Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.

You can do gender selection.

OP here. The clinic I have chosen for DE does not do gender selection.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.

You can do gender selection.

OP here. After a lot of thought, I've come up with a pro/con list that I'd like to have some feedback on. Here's the list, pros and cons for us of donor egg vs. adoption.

Donor egg pros

1) I would know the medical history/background of the child since the father would be my husband and I would get some medical info/background on the egg donor, so that is comforting.
2) Husband would be the biological father and he has great genes
3) The ability to choose the donor makes me feel like I have some control over the process
4) Short wait time--can start ASAP
5) High success rates of pregnancy relative to IUI or IVF
6) Egg would be from young donor so more likely to be healthy eggs and husband's sperm is excellent so probably would be a healthy baby
7) Could possibly find a donor from our ethnic background

Donor egg cons

1) Requires taking fertility drugs for me, which makes me very uneasy
2) Requires going through pregnancy (my first and only pregnancy wasn't great in the sense that I had significant morning sickness the entire time and wasn't able to gain much weight during the pregnancy due to constant nausea). Other than that no complications, but I did not enjoy pregnancy at all and felt horrible every single day of the pregnancy. Now that I have a toddler it would be hard to go through that again and take care of my toddler (I'm a SAHM).
3) Very expensive, and if I don't get pregnant that money is just gone.
4) Since I have one biological child already, I worry that the DE child will feel that I'm not his/her real mother or would feel that our daughter isn't his/her real sister. I worry about the DE feeling "different." Also would worry about this more if DE child is same gender as own egg child.
5) I feel like the donor egg concept is a challenging thing for a child to understand--seems very complicated to explain versus adoption, which seems much easier to understand.

Adoption pros
1) Easier to explain to the child than DE, and I feel like adoption is more common/more out in the open so the adopted child could meet other kids (classmates, etc.) who were also adopted. For instance, I have a few mom friends who have adopted children, but I think donor egg is less commonly shared.
2) Wouldn't have any risk to my health from fertility drugs (I have an extensive family history of reproductive cancers, including ovarian, which makes me worried about taking fertility drugs).
3) Wouldn't have to go through pregnancy (a plus in my mind)
4) Could specify a preference for gender


Adoption cons

1) Takes a long time, could be years, before we are matched
2) Very expensive, with no guarantee of a successful adoption
3) The adoption process seems really complicated.
3) May have to deal with the birth mother's use of drugs/alcohol during pregnancy
4) Wouldn't have much or possibly any family history
5) More likely to get matched with a child who has special needs, which would be difficult for us to deal with both financially and due to lack of support network
6) I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the concept of an open adoption.
7) I worry that the child would feel "different" in our family because of the fact that we have a biological daughter already, and the fact that our daughter looks exactly like me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did both at the same time. The adoption agency offered us one SN child after another and a lot of pressure to go with it.
At the time I was 15 weeks with a DE baby (had not told them) Finally said no thanks. DE baby is in 2nd grade now-- smart and healthy. It was by far the best choice for us.

Did you have to pay any fees up front to the adoption agency while pursuing DE at the same time? When you did DE did you do fresh or frozen? Were there any issues with your pregnancy (one of my concerns about DE is that there is a higher risk of pregnancy complications than with own egg--my OB told me about this).

I did fresh DE. I had no pregnancy complications.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did both at the same time. The adoption agency offered us one SN child after another and a lot of pressure to go with it.
At the time I was 15 weeks with a DE baby (had not told them) Finally said no thanks. DE baby is in 2nd grade now-- smart and healthy. It was by far the best choice for us.

Did you have to pay any fees up front to the adoption agency while pursuing DE at the same time? When you did DE did you do fresh or frozen? Were there any issues with your pregnancy (one of my concerns about DE is that there is a higher risk of pregnancy complications than with own egg--my OB told me about this).

We did pay a small fee to the adoption agency. It seemed like a lot at the time -- it was just a deposit -- but pennies compared to the costs of a SN child.
Actually we have DE twins, both girls. I thought that the "looks like you" part of the psych screening was over played. After all, I was an adult and at that point really wanted healthy. We did fresh, and today no RE would have transferred so many. I think DE lowers the risk b/c the eggs are so much younger. We did not have any complications and this was after several m/c. (Looking back I think genetics played a role). My twins are really different, both in looks and temperament, although they both have my DH mellow nature. They look like DH -- no one would think that they are DE by looking. Genetics is so strong. People look at one of my twins and say, looks just like you! but really she looks just like our Northern European ancestors. It was a success story for us. GL.

Anonymous wrote:I did both at the same time. The adoption agency offered us one SN child after another and a lot of pressure to go with it.
At the time I was 15 weeks with a DE baby (had not told them) Finally said no thanks. DE baby is in 2nd grade now-- smart and healthy. It was by far the best choice for us.

Did you have to pay any fees up front to the adoption agency while pursuing DE at the same time? When you did DE did you do fresh or frozen? Were there any issues with your pregnancy (one of my concerns about DE is that there is a higher risk of pregnancy complications than with own egg--my OB told me about this).

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.

OP After you go through the grief of the adoption process, little issues like this one will seem very small. BTDT.

I did both at the same time. The adoption agency offered us one SN child after another and a lot of pressure to go with it.
At the time I was 15 weeks with a DE baby (had not told them) Finally said no thanks. DE baby is in 2nd grade now-- smart and healthy. It was by far the best choice for us.

Anonymous wrote:^^ I just want to add that there may be an advantage in not having your child look like you -- perhaps it makes it easier to accept what must be an elemental lesson of parenting -- your child is not you. Our son looks so much like my husband, and now, as a young man, even sounds like him! But, they're very different people. In some ways, I do think that because we went through the adoption experience with our daughter, we've had to understand and accept that our kids aren't mini-mes.

hah. I'm pretty sure my mom never understood or accepted that I was not a mini-her. Every time I wasn't like her, it was a betrayal. It was also a little disconcerting to meet my birth family 30+ years later and see people who looked and acted like me. (I am very much an introvert, and would disappear with a book whenever I felt overwhelmed-- my little sister would do the exact same thing. My mom is completely not an introvert. Birth parents very introverted.)

As an adult, there are many ways I am very glad to not be genetically related to my parents. It's as much of a thing as you make out of it, I think. My mom spent a lot of time in my teens and 20s insisting the reason I didn't love her (I do, and did) was because she wasn't my "real" mom. Don't do that. Sometimes love doesn't look exactly like the way you yourself display it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is very difficult and expensive. You can get lucky, or not. It took us 6 years, lots of money and grief. Finally as we gave up it happened. I'd never go through the process again nor would I recommend it at this point. Our child is a joy and meant to be our child so I am glad we did it, no regrets but not a chance even though I would love a second, I'd do it again. The industry is very shady and corrupt.

I got sooooooo(!!!!!!) lucky......was matched in less than 6 months with a healthy newborn......the odds were stacked against me, too, because I am single and was 45 at the time. Once the paperwork and hard decisions were made, it rally was seamless (except for the money, of course.) But I cannot put a price on my daughter---priceless. Boy, did I get lucky!!!!! Good luck, OP.

Thanks for the brag.

How is this a brag? She is sharing her happy story. Refreshing to hear after so many negative adoption stories.

Personally, if I had to make this choice I'd do DE. I know at least one person whose adoption fell through when the child was discovered to have FAS. Imagine the heartbreak.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is very difficult and expensive. You can get lucky, or not. It took us 6 years, lots of money and grief. Finally as we gave up it happened. I'd never go through the process again nor would I recommend it at this point. Our child is a joy and meant to be our child so I am glad we did it, no regrets but not a chance even though I would love a second, I'd do it again. The industry is very shady and corrupt.

I got sooooooo(!!!!!!) lucky......was matched in less than 6 months with a healthy newborn......the odds were stacked against me, too, because I am single and was 45 at the time. Once the paperwork and hard decisions were made, it rally was seamless (except for the money, of course.) But I cannot put a price on my daughter---priceless. Boy, did I get lucky!!!!! Good luck, OP.

Thanks for the brag.

NP here. I actually do think this is a valid concern, OP. I have a friend who adopted one son from Russia and then went on to have three children via DE. The son has some (non-physical) sn's and I personally feel like she and her husband have always treated son #1 differently. ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.

OP, I feel similarly. I am faced with secondary infertility and I also feel weird about the prospect of having one child with my egg and one without. I had not thought about whether that difference lessens if the second kid if a different sex than the first. I think I am a person who tends to feel guilty and am overly-sensitive, and I would feel bad about possible inequalities (would my genes be better or worse than a donors?) What is my kid suffers with obesity and the donor kid doesn't? What if the donor kid gets childhood diabetes and mine doesn't? I think I would always unreasonably blame myself for having given my two kids different baselines, which I know is out of my control.

That could be the case also with one biological and one adopted child - one of them can turn out to be smarter, more beautiful, more gifted than the other. And even in biological siblings health is not always equal. Who could be "blamed" in this case?

Yes, I know it could happen even with two biological children, or any two children, really. But as a parent, I would feel feel differently about it. Mind you, I realize this is totally unreasonable and it may be something I get over eventually, but its a concern I have now, already having a child, that I might not have if I was looking at donor egg for my first (and second).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.

OP, I feel similarly. I am faced with secondary infertility and I also feel weird about the prospect of having one child with my egg and one without. I had not thought about whether that difference lessens if the second kid if a different sex than the first. I think I am a person who tends to feel guilty and am overly-sensitive, and I would feel bad about possible inequalities (would my genes be better or worse than a donors?) What is my kid suffers with obesity and the donor kid doesn't? What if the donor kid gets childhood diabetes and mine doesn't? I think I would always unreasonably blame myself for having given my two kids different baselines, which I know is out of my control.

That could be the case also with one biological and one adopted child - one of them can turn out to be smarter, more beautiful, more gifted than the other. And even in biological siblings health is not always equal. Who could be "blamed" in this case?