Anonymous
05/01/2016 10:20
Subject: Sister can't get over my miscarriage
Anonymous wrote:I think you need to arm yourself with a few firm lines to make it really clear you don't want to discuss it anymore. Your sister sounds a bit selfish, and also like she is NOT picking up on normal social cues. When she brings it up say "Mary, thank you for your support about our miscarriage in October. But can I ask you a favor? Please stop bringing it up. DH and I have mourned, and still are, in our own ways. And I've found that when you bring it up out of the blue, it makes me uncomfortable. If I want to discuss it, I will mention it. Otherwise, can we please work on putting it behind us? Thanks". Then firmly any time she brings it up "Mary, remember? I don't want to discuss it.". And then "Mary, please stop" followed by hanging up the phone, leaving the room, etc. to make your point.
Be firm, be kind. She sounds well meaning, but a bit clueless.
This is good advice.
Anonymous
04/29/2016 13:37
Subject: Sister can't get over my miscarriage
She thinks being mothers is what ties you together. May be that she wants to feel close and connected and keeps bringing up the only topic she can think of. Perhaps find something else to bond over.
Anonymous
04/29/2016 13:32
Subject: Sister can't get over my miscarriage
PP here, and I absolutely agree with that. I do think the sister's behavior is not appropriate.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).
I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).
Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.
There is a difference. If someone comes into the world and you bond with them that is different than being an AUNT to a baby that was never alive outside of the womb.
Unbelievable! So if I live out if state and my sister had a baby that I don't get to see right away; and if the baby dies a few days after being born, before I get to see her, you think I wouldn't care enough about her to mourn her, only because I didn't carry her in my womb?
NP -- of course you can mourn her. But you also need to be aware that your sister's needs would trump yours here, and if she can't or doesn't want to handle the burden of your grief, that's absolutely fine. You'd have to go somewhere else for support on this, just as OPs sister should.
OP's needs definitely trump the sister's, and I didn't see a post to say otherwise.
My reaction was to the 1st PPs post that I found to be very insensitive and lacking empathy, in the context of the stillbirth she referred to. Not having the opportunity to bond with a breathing baby doesn't mean you can't have a connection.
Anonymous
04/29/2016 13:27
Subject: Sister can't get over my miscarriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).
I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).
Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.
There is a difference. If someone comes into the world and you bond with them that is different than being an AUNT to a baby that was never alive outside of the womb.
I don't think anybody is in the position to tell the aunt who to bond with and how. Apparently, this affected her deeply. I don't disagree that she overstepped the boundaries. I, however, disagree that a being that passed prematurely has never been in our world. She was. For her parents and, obviously, her aunt. Frankly, I can only excuse PP's callousness in case she is not a mother herself. Women who experienced a pregnancy normally relate to that kind of thing and genuinely sympathize with all involved.
Anonymous
04/29/2016 11:16
Subject: Sister can't get over my miscarriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I find it weird. I am FB with sisters and one of them had a still birth. Her sister post all the time about it (grant, the mother does as well - the baby had a FB page and we saw pics of him and the whole family holding him).
I don't get how one that isn't carrying the baby can be so obsessed with a person who isn't living in our world (totally get that mothers have an attachment since they are carrying the baby).
Uh... every dead person is not living in our world anymore. People should stop grieving their loved ones? Have you ever lost someone? If you live long enough, you will. Or maybe you just don't have anybody to lose.
There is a difference. If someone comes into the world and you bond with them that is different than being an AUNT to a baby that was never alive outside of the womb.
Unbelievable! So if I live out if state and my sister had a baby that I don't get to see right away; and if the baby dies a few days after being born, before I get to see her, you think I wouldn't care enough about her to mourn her, only because I didn't carry her in my womb?
NP -- of course you can mourn her. But you also need to be aware that your sister's needs would trump yours here, and if she can't or doesn't want to handle the burden of your grief, that's absolutely fine. You'd have to go somewhere else for support on this, just as OPs sister should.