Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is he a better partnet for her than you? If he is, she is not coming back. If he is similar to you then she will be back in two years.

He is truly objectively a loser. I'm a highly compensated professional. He is really low income. She was used to the high life. She says now she looks forward to the simple life. I just think that will get old real quick. I admit maybe I'm misreading it. Kids love and adore me. He comes from a serious trash family.

I agree that she will get tired of the "simple life". Time will tell. She might be back. But continue with your life not counting on it. If you are in VA, you can file for a divorce after a year of separation. Don't beg her to come back, just let her be and stay calm and nice for the sake of your kids. Whatever the outcome if you are a nice good responsible person you will be okay.

Go do some reading on chumplady.com ... There are plenty of guy chumps there who can give you some real support and advice. So sorry you are going through this. It truly sucks. No matter what problems there might have been in your marriage, nothing excuses her decision to betray you. If she comes back, it will be for your money. Do not allow yourself to be so badly treated twice. She has revealed her character to you ... Pay attention. Go hug your kids and best wishes to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - slap yourself and wake up! you need to man up for the sake of your kids. sometimes shitty things happen to good people for whatever reasons. but it is what it is. you can only deal with what's in front of you - your dang kids!

I agree. And don't compare yourself to this schmuck. You're killing yourself with that.

Well. I never thought it would happen to me so props to all those who have been left behind in a divorce. It's not easy at all. I really appreciate all responses. I need to mourn this and move on. As someone said earlier, hanging on is so incredibly painful. So heart wrenching. I wish I were just a cold hearted dick and didn't care. But I am angry at what might have been. The shared future. Dreams. Jeez.

I remember being in your shoes. It is hard to believe that the person you truly thought you knew so well, could end up being so different. It was hard to even comprehend how different my spouse was than I had thought. It really makes you question your own judgement and so much more.

Yes, you are mourning the loss of the dreams of what could have been. Often times, if you look at things objectively, you'll realize that you miss that dream more than you miss your actual spouse. Sometimes we live a world where we think the best of people and just accept any shortcomings as they are. Maybe there really is a much better person for you out there. Maybe that person will be a great step-parent to your kids. Perhaps you will find that being on your own is not as big a burden as it seems right now.

Let your wife's relationship run it's course. You are probably right. She will miss the money. But "hear" what your wife is telling you. She is clearly unhappy with her life with you. She has left a comfortable and financially secure environment AND her kids to be with this new guy. Is it possible that you were working so hard to provide for your family that she was feeling quite lonely or unappreciated? Those would not be good reasons to have an affair, but her actions are telling you something important. Don't be too obtuse to get the message and move on.

So in DCUMland if the man is not a powerful breadwinner, he is no good but if he spends a lot of time at the office he is making his wife feel unappreciated? OP, I do agree with the last sentence in this post. Learn from this. Eventually get some new hobbies, takes courses in things you always wanted to do. When the next woman comes along in your life, and there will be another one, maybe you picked up a lesson in better communicating and doing everything you can to have a relationship with someone work.

Certainly learn from this but one of the lessons is that you can be a new improved version of yourself. But your partner can still be a POS and leave rather than grow up and communicate with her partner unfortunately.

Thank you all so much. The wisdom on DCUM when sincere people reasons is remarkable. Kind of a mess now. Thanks again and any other words of wisdom appreciates.

Anything can be overcome if the two of you want it. Fact. But you cannot, I repeat cannot, want it enough for both of you.

Therapy is necessary. In your scenario, where she is actively with another man, I doubt she will go with you to work on things. Go alone. Mourn what you have lost. Process everything.

The best thing you can do now is focus on yourself and the kids. Find a hobby. Take up running. You can't control her actions, but you can control your response.

If she comes back, you'll be ready to deal with that then.

I was in your shoes a few months ago, only my husband was having an emotional affair when he sprung the "I'm not in love with you" on me. He left for a few days after I caught him, presumably to find out if she would leave her husband to be with him. Came back, wants to reconcile.

At the start I was desperate to keep my family together. Now I think I'm done with him, and it is hard because he is doing everything in his power to get me back. But I think I'm done.

OP, please check out www.survivinginfidelity.com for support.

She is rewriting marital history to make you and the marriage seem bad. You are not, and the marriage probably wasn't either. She doesn't want to be an asshole, so she cannot admit that this is all on her, and a reflection of a flaw in her character. Happens all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - slap yourself and wake up! you need to man up for the sake of your kids. sometimes shitty things happen to good people for whatever reasons. but it is what it is. you can only deal with what's in front of you - your dang kids!

I agree. And don't compare yourself to this schmuck. You're killing yourself with that.

Well. I never thought it would happen to me so props to all those who have been left behind in a divorce. It's not easy at all. I really appreciate all responses. I need to mourn this and move on. As someone said earlier, hanging on is so incredibly painful. So heart wrenching. I wish I were just a cold hearted dick and didn't care. But I am angry at what might have been. The shared future. Dreams. Jeez.

I remember being in your shoes. It is hard to believe that the person you truly thought you knew so well, could end up being so different. It was hard to even comprehend how different my spouse was than I had thought. It really makes you question your own judgement and so much more.

Yes, you are mourning the loss of the dreams of what could have been. Often times, if you look at things objectively, you'll realize that you miss that dream more than you miss your actual spouse. Sometimes we live a world where we think the best of people and just accept any shortcomings as they are. Maybe there really is a much better person for you out there. Maybe that person will be a great step-parent to your kids. Perhaps you will find that being on your own is not as big a burden as it seems right now.

Let your wife's relationship run it's course. You are probably right. She will miss the money. But "hear" what your wife is telling you. She is clearly unhappy with her life with you. She has left a comfortable and financially secure environment AND her kids to be with this new guy. Is it possible that you were working so hard to provide for your family that she was feeling quite lonely or unappreciated? Those would not be good reasons to have an affair, but her actions are telling you something important. Don't be too obtuse to get the message and move on.

So in DCUMland if the man is not a powerful breadwinner, he is no good but if he spends a lot of time at the office he is making his wife feel unappreciated? OP, I do agree with the last sentence in this post. Learn from this. Eventually get some new hobbies, takes courses in things you always wanted to do. When the next woman comes along in your life, and there will be another one, maybe you picked up a lesson in better communicating and doing everything you can to have a relationship with someone work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - slap yourself and wake up! you need to man up for the sake of your kids. sometimes shitty things happen to good people for whatever reasons. but it is what it is. you can only deal with what's in front of you - your dang kids!

I agree. And don't compare yourself to this schmuck. You're killing yourself with that.

Well. I never thought it would happen to me so props to all those who have been left behind in a divorce. It's not easy at all. I really appreciate all responses. I need to mourn this and move on. As someone said earlier, hanging on is so incredibly painful. So heart wrenching. I wish I were just a cold hearted dick and didn't care. But I am angry at what might have been. The shared future. Dreams. Jeez.

I remember being in your shoes. It is hard to believe that the person you truly thought you knew so well, could end up being so different. It was hard to even comprehend how different my spouse was than I had thought. It really makes you question your own judgement and so much more.

Yes, you are mourning the loss of the dreams of what could have been. Often times, if you look at things objectively, you'll realize that you miss that dream more than you miss your actual spouse. Sometimes we live a world where we think the best of people and just accept any shortcomings as they are. Maybe there really is a much better person for you out there. Maybe that person will be a great step-parent to your kids. Perhaps you will find that being on your own is not as big a burden as it seems right now.

Let your wife's relationship run it's course. You are probably right. She will miss the money. But "hear" what your wife is telling you. She is clearly unhappy with her life with you. She has left a comfortable and financially secure environment AND her kids to be with this new guy. Is it possible that you were working so hard to provide for your family that she was feeling quite lonely or unappreciated? Those would not be good reasons to have an affair, but her actions are telling you something important. Don't be too obtuse to get the message and move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - slap yourself and wake up! you need to man up for the sake of your kids. sometimes shitty things happen to good people for whatever reasons. but it is what it is. you can only deal with what's in front of you - your dang kids!

I agree. And don't compare yourself to this schmuck. You're killing yourself with that.

Well. I never thought it would happen to me so props to all those who have been left behind in a divorce. It's not easy at all. I really appreciate all responses. I need to mourn this and move on. As someone said earlier, hanging on is so incredibly painful. So heart wrenching. I wish I were just a cold hearted dick and didn't care. But I am angry at what might have been. The shared future. Dreams. Jeez.

OP, Everybody is a tough guy until the shit hits the fan. Your wife is clearly having mental health crisis. Your caring and compassion is normal. Morning the loss of what might have been is healhty. You need to let this play out and be as supportive as you can to your wife so she does not go off the deep end and try to get custody and bring your children into that mess. Your children need a healthy mom, married or not.

In the meantime, limbo sucks! Plan to move on... if things change cross that bridge when you come to it.

Partly cloudy with a 50% chance of reconciliation. Only time will tell.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - slap yourself and wake up! you need to man up for the sake of your kids. sometimes shitty things happen to good people for whatever reasons. but it is what it is. you can only deal with what's in front of you - your dang kids!

I agree. And don't compare yourself to this schmuck. You're killing yourself with that.

Well. I never thought it would happen to me so props to all those who have been left behind in a divorce. It's not easy at all. I really appreciate all responses. I need to mourn this and move on. As someone said earlier, hanging on is so incredibly painful. So heart wrenching. I wish I were just a cold hearted dick and didn't care. But I am angry at what might have been. The shared future. Dreams. Jeez.

Anonymous wrote:Op - slap yourself and wake up! you need to man up for the sake of your kids. sometimes shitty things happen to good people for whatever reasons. but it is what it is. you can only deal with what's in front of you - your dang kids!

I agree. And don't compare yourself to this schmuck. You're killing yourself with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ever trust her again? Can you keep your dignity? If you cannot answer to both, end the marriage.

She didn't just leave you - she left your children. That reflects a very selfish, narcissistic character and I don't know that I could ever trust her again. Any other signs that she was having a breakdown of some kind? Manic behavior, etc.?

If the AP isn't married, and she doesn't have custody of the kids, there isn't necessarily an expiration date.

She just acts angry with me and short tempered with kids when we have all been together. Seems crazy since I've known her so long.

Op - slap yourself and wake up! you need to man up for the sake of your kids. sometimes shitty things happen to good people for whatever reasons. but it is what it is. you can only deal with what's in front of you - your dang kids!

Anonymous wrote:OP, is he a better partnet for her than you? If he is, she is not coming back. If he is similar to you then she will be back in two years.

He is truly objectively a loser. I'm a highly compensated professional. He is really low income. She was used to the high life. She says now she looks forward to the simple life. I just think that will get old real quick. I admit maybe I'm misreading it. Kids love and adore me. He comes from a serious trash family.