Oops that was supposed to be an angry face. Emoji fail.

Pp: ugh, your father ?

My father thinks a good beating will straighten out my DC with ADHD, anxiety, LD, and ODD. So he is never left alone with any of my kids.

My MIL on the other hand really seems to "get" him. Unfortunately her health isn't great and, due to child spacing, she'd been parenting for almost 40 years solid when grandbabies started coming along. We're on the opposite coast so we don't see them often, but when we do they usually arrange a sleep over for the kids at their farm while DH and I go out and stay at a hotel for the night. I would dearly love for us to be a bit closer so the kids could get to know their grandparents better, but at least this way we don't have badly matched expectations vs capability.

I do understand that the grandparent-grandchild relationship is the important thing, and sometimes you have to rise above issues with your parents to preserve that. But it's just difficult to understand why grandparents would want to be treated as a guest in a bed and breakfast and not as a helpful, dedicated, involved grandparent. It's just hurtful.

Also, curious, PP: do you have a child with special needs?

Sometimes people expect too much from the grandparents. They have done their job of raising you and probably just want to enjoy their life now.

When they come to visit, let them be the guest, probably little time with grandkids. You run your household as usual with little expectation of help from them. They raised you, been there done that.

If you need help, ask specific help, don't assume they would offer. They are not mind readers.

With your parents, you can relax a bit with household, lets them make they own foods if they want, etc.

With IL, let your DH handle them if possible, like buying groceries for foods that IL like for breakfast and etc. let DH handle the outings or give them keys to the cars. You shouldn't drive them around if it's out of your normal activities.

If the grandparent wants to play or take care of the kids while you do errands, that great. If they just hanging around the house with their tablets, let them be. For them, it suppose to be a vacations for them( which they probably rarely get while you growing up).