Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 10:01     Subject: Stay at home mom
You should tell your husband this fear - that you may like to stay home and not work, but are very concerned that the family is not a partnership and would worsen. He would have to agree to parent in the mornings, evenings and weekends and discuss household matters weekly - regardless of it you are working FT, PT or not working. Get him to agree to that and try it for a few months before you make any job decisions.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:59     Subject: Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What happens if you just don't do anything (eg don't coordinate with his parents do visit and if the email or text about it forward it to him)?


If I don't do it, it won't get done. He drops the ball on most non-office related things, or I must baby step him through it.

If it has to do with his parents, brother or friends, he will make a full stop and fish around helping them. It's bizarre the show I've seen put on for other people. Or for himself when he wants to buy something specific (his new car, his new computer screen, etc.) for himself. Night and day.


My husband can be somewhat the same. I just focus on what matters to me and let him embarrass himself.

His parents, knowing his shortcomings, tried to organize things through me for a while, but eventually I just kept telling them to talk to him. Sometimes he drops the ball, sometimes he doesn't now. It's not my job to manage his life/family, so I don't.

And I would NEVER SAHM because being his personal assistant, nanny, accountant, and housekeeper would be my own personal hell.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:57     Subject: Stay at home mom
OP, What is the dynamic his parents had when he was growing up? Is there anything cultural going on here?

Whether you SAHM or keep working, I've seen women in your situation with Absentee Spouses, just spend the shit out of the bank account and not look back. Might that be therapeutic?

And if you SAHM, you could take the kiddos on lots of trips to visit friends and family. Leave DH home to do his Very Important Office work. Just leave him in the dust.

Unfortunately, what I'm getting at is one of those shell of a marriages with an uninvolved "partner."
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:08     Subject: Re:Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think your kids will be better off, and contrary to the above, I think your marriage has a chance to improve if you were a SAHM, providing your family can afford it.


i've never ever ever heard this to be true, and this sounds like terrible advice. if op feels underappreciated now, of course she will feel worse when this is all she is doing 24/7. she will become more resentful, dh will check out more since op is managing the household.


And I can almost guarantee that he will start to consider himself the sole head of household. Look, if he doesn't consider her an equal partner now, he certainly won't when she isn't earning any salary.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:53     Subject: Re:Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:I think your kids will be better off, and contrary to the above, I think your marriage has a chance to improve if you were a SAHM, providing your family can afford it.


i've never ever ever heard this to be true, and this sounds like terrible advice. if op feels underappreciated now, of course she will feel worse when this is all she is doing 24/7. she will become more resentful, dh will check out more since op is managing the household.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:46     Subject: Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:I'm from Sweden and the concept of SAHM is so foreign to me.


This is surprising. Given the myths about your Nirvana state perpetuated by American media, I'm shocked people work in Sweden at all. Why?
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 21:26     Subject: Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:oof, no, do not quit your job. What nerve of your DH to suggest that you take on EVEN MORE unpaid labor! Instead, invest even more in your job, and spend the extra money outsourcing everything you can to make your life easier.


This!!
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 21:23     Subject: Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:What happens if you just don't do anything (eg don't coordinate with his parents do visit and if the email or text about it forward it to him)?


If I don't do it, it won't get done. He drops the ball on most non-office related things, or I must baby step him through it.

If it has to do with his parents, brother or friends, he will make a full stop and fish around helping them. It's bizarre the show I've seen put on for other people. Or for himself when he wants to buy something specific (his new car, his new computer screen, etc.) for himself. Night and day.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 21:03     Subject: Stay at home mom
I'm from Sweden and the concept of SAHM is so foreign to me.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 20:23     Subject: Stay at home mom
OP here, thanks for all the food for thought.
I too oscillate between wondering if he behaves this way because he is clueless what goes into running a family of 4 household or he just wants to avoid doing anything/ lack of role models.

Love to hear some men chime in on this.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 19:13     Subject: Re:Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:SAH only works when both partners value it and are fully on board so there is no resentment or derision.

This does not sound like your situation, to say the least. In fact, "checked out" sounds like he is on the verge of leaving and you need serious counseling to keep him/change him back into a living husband and father.


Not OP but it could also mean he's just taking for granted that all of the home and kid related stuff is taken care of. I have certainly felt this way in my marriage.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 17:43     Subject: Re:Stay at home mom
SAH only works when both partners value it and are fully on board so there is no resentment or derision.

This does not sound like your situation, to say the least. In fact, "checked out" sounds like he is on the verge of leaving and you need serious counseling to keep him/change him back into a living husband and father.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 17:39     Subject: Re:Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, My husband is the same way, only I SAH. He was this way before kids, too, not that he didn't want to be involved in division of labor, only that he thinks if there is something neither of us wants to do, we should outsource it if we can afford to. He works long hours and is happy to outsource everything else. He is happy for me to be at home or work, but I take care of all the management of the household and child care whether I work or not. It's what I want to do, though, so my husband and I are a good match in that regard.

In your case, if I made $200K, I would keep working and spend the extra money on outsourcing everything else so that you can maximize time with kids. Hire a housekeeper that comes for a few hours daily to clean the dishes, prep dinner, make kids' lunches, do laundry, clean house, run errands... so you can just come home and focus on the kids.

You can't "maximize" time with the kids when you're gone most of the time.

Ever read, "The Myth of Quality Time"?


Huh? You can't increase the amount of time with your kids if you work outside the home?
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 14:21     Subject: Stay at home mom
Your children are very young and this stage is busy. Life does get easier as the kids get more independent. Meanwhile, outsource what you want done (probably kids, clean house etc). Everything else, let go. Why is it your job to figure out when the in laws are visiting and planning a vacation? Handle what is important to YOU and let the rest go.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2016 14:16     Subject: Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get a wife of your own.

Wife: Stays at home and thinks, plans and executes everything in your family's life while you work at the office or play out of the office.


This. Hire a more expensive nanny/household manager or second person for that role. My feeling is that if DH doesn't want to do his share, then he can pay someone else to do it (so can you, obviously).

You do as much as you want/can handle, and outsource the rest. This won't change you being angry that DH isn't a better husband and father, but it will hopefully change your feelings of resentment. You can enjoy your children and the rest of your life.

This is what a high income can buy you. Use it to keep your family together.


+1 I've been throwing around the idea of hiring someone to come in and do some cooking/prepping/light cleaning and I don't make anywhere near what you do, OP. I would definitely look at outsourcing more of those types of tasks if I was you.