Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have decided to try separation.

Because you confronted him about his weight? Whose idea was it?

Lolololol. The real OP here. I didn't write that! Three pages later, and yes, I'm still totally committed to my husband.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have decided to try separation.

Because you confronted him about his weight? Whose idea was it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have decided to try separation.

Whoa. Wait, just now?????

What made that just happen?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have decided to try separation.

Whoa. Wait, just now?????

Just wanted to say that I am in a similar position. Absolutely adore my husband, like you, and am also not sure what, if anything, I can do to get him to take this more seriously.

I know he knows. I know he doesn't like it. He also feels like there isn't much he can do - he is a little bit fatalistic about this.

He recently quit smoking, after years of me nagging him about it. He read something that helped him do it, and then he just went and did it. I'm cautiously optimistic that something similar will happen with food and exercise.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure this has been posted a thousand times before, but I need to vent. DH is fat and gross. He was a bit overweight when we met, but it didn't bother me because we were very active and we enjoyed physically demanding hobbies (running, biking, etc.) We loved doing those things together and he even lost some weight and was pretty fit for many years.

Fast forward 15 years: he has become extremely lazy (physically), and any down time is spent laying down looking at the phone or reading. He has gotten REALLY fat. We never had great sexual chemistry, but now it is utterly gone. He is so fat and out of shape that he is even worse in bed - it's almost like it is too much effort to move around very much. He is practically listless when we try to have sex. And it makes his penis way smaller. And he smells, because I swear he cannot wipe his butt very well because he is too fat and out of shape.

PHEW.

He is otherwise a really wonderful husband and father. Good job, great with the kids, kind, supportive, generous, funny. I am fully committed to our marriage. We have also weathered many difficult trials together - major kid issues, death, illness, etc etc. We have been through a lot and he is rock solid and amazing.

But this weight thing, my goodness! I would like to feel a little sexual attraction to this man and not be completely grossed out by him physically.

I don't think there is much I can do. We have a mutually respectful relationship and I don't believe in nagging or trying to make other people do things they don't want to do. He knows he's overweight. He knows I don't like it. There's really not anything else to be done I don't think.

Ok.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure this has been posted a thousand times before, but I need to vent. DH is fat and gross. He was a bit overweight when we met, but it didn't bother me because we were very active and we enjoyed physically demanding hobbies (running, biking, etc.) We loved doing those things together and he even lost some weight and was pretty fit for many years.

Fast forward 15 years: he has become extremely lazy (physically), and any down time is spent laying down looking at the phone or reading. He has gotten REALLY fat. We never had great sexual chemistry, but now it is utterly gone. He is so fat and out of shape that he is even worse in bed - it's almost like it is too much effort to move around very much. He is practically listless when we try to have sex. And it makes his penis way smaller. And he smells, because I swear he cannot wipe his butt very well because he is too fat and out of shape.

PHEW.

He is otherwise a really wonderful husband and father. Good job, great with the kids, kind, supportive, generous, funny. I am fully committed to our marriage. We have also weathered many difficult trials together - major kid issues, death, illness, etc etc. We have been through a lot and he is rock solid and amazing.

But this weight thing, my goodness! I would like to feel a little sexual attraction to this man and not be completely grossed out by him physically.

I don't think there is much I can do. We have a mutually respectful relationship and I don't believe in nagging or trying to make other people do things they don't want to do. He knows he's overweight. He knows I don't like it. There's really not anything else to be done I don't think.

I can't read past the second paragraph and your butt wiping comment. it made my stomach turn. And I'm wondering what kind of person humiliates their husband on an anonymous board like that? You must have zero respect for him. And calling him fat so many times? Ouch. He may be fat but he's your husband for god sakes.

It's anon so perfectly ok for her to do that, not mention it's a BIG problem for many. What he's doing is completely unfair to himself and his spouse. It's a big health concern as well so he has a duty to his family and marriage imo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can he join a group weight loss program? Personal trainer? Then someone else can be the nag. He may need some one, other than you and his doctor, to get him going and to keep going.

GREAT idea! Why didn't I think of that? If I enrolled him he'd probably go. Oh and unfortunately his doctor doesn't say anything to him about his weight! Can you believe it?? It drives me batty.

Any good suggestions for weight loss programs?

How big is your DH, and did the physical reveal any side effects from the weight gain (higher blood sugar or increased blood pressure)? I ask because (1) a minor health scare that shows how the weight is impacting his body might be more effective than anything else and (2) my own obese husband now refuses to get a regular physical based on fear that the doctor will discuss his weight.

I will tell you what woke me up to take control of my weight. I was 50 and went to the same GP for years for a physical and blood test. My lipids and blood sugar were way too high, but my doctor didn't like confrontation and told me they were on the high side and I should lose weight - end of appointment. I was about 50 pounds over the normal BMI range. I was tired and found it hard to be active and was becoming a couch potato. I figured it was normal aging. One year I went to a clinic for my annual since I couldn't get an appointment with my GP. The doctor looked at my numbers and said I was on the doorstep to type 2 diabetes and told me if I didn't get my diet straightened out I would have a stroke or heart attack before my time. I have two young children, so this scared me.

I never knew what lipid or blood sugar numbers meant before, so I read forums on the internet and found many people referencing Gary Taubes and his book "Why We Get Fat, and What To Do About It. It was life-changing. I'm guessing your husband has metobolic syndrome and that he eats way to many carbs. I began a low carb diet and did nothing but walking at least 30 minutes a day. I have lost 40 pounds and feel great. My blood sugar and lipids are excellent due to diet and modest excercise (I don't take any meds). Read up on this stuff. Low carb is hard, but not impossible. Getting your heart rate up by just brisk walking is all the excercise you need. There are any number of great forums on the internet with people willing to provide support. You can make ice cream and eat all kinds of delicious foods. I have increased my energy level greatly and look much better. Good luck to your husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure this has been posted a thousand times before, but I need to vent. DH is fat and gross. He was a bit overweight when we met, but it didn't bother me because we were very active and we enjoyed physically demanding hobbies (running, biking, etc.) We loved doing those things together and he even lost some weight and was pretty fit for many years.

Fast forward 15 years: he has become extremely lazy (physically), and any down time is spent laying down looking at the phone or reading. He has gotten REALLY fat. We never had great sexual chemistry, but now it is utterly gone. He is so fat and out of shape that he is even worse in bed - it's almost like it is too much effort to move around very much. He is practically listless when we try to have sex. And it makes his penis way smaller. And he smells, because I swear he cannot wipe his butt very well because he is too fat and out of shape.

PHEW.

He is otherwise a really wonderful husband and father. Good job, great with the kids, kind, supportive, generous, funny. I am fully committed to our marriage. We have also weathered many difficult trials together - major kid issues, death, illness, etc etc. We have been through a lot and he is rock solid and amazing.

But this weight thing, my goodness! I would like to feel a little sexual attraction to this man and not be completely grossed out by him physically.

I don't think there is much I can do. We have a mutually respectful relationship and I don't believe in nagging or trying to make other people do things they don't want to do. He knows he's overweight. He knows I don't like it. There's really not anything else to be done I don't think.

I can't read past the second paragraph and your butt wiping comment. it made my stomach turn. And I'm wondering what kind of person humiliates their husband on an anonymous board like that? You must have zero respect for him. And calling him fat so many times? Ouch. He may be fat but he's your husband for god sakes.

OP here. This is interesting. - maybe I HAVE been slowly losing respect for him over this. Its very to maintain respect for someone who lays around a lot and eats themselves into oblivion. Frustrating at the very least. On a another level, I do think he has many good qualities and I work very hard to focus on those on a day to day basis. As an aside, he *never* has and never will read DCUM. I myself am hardly ever on here. And I don't think there is anything identifiable in my post.

OP, I'm in the same boat. My DH is an emotional eater. Our meals are healthy, and we keep to reasonable portions. My kids and I try our best to stay active and invite DH to join us. He makes some small efforts (works out with two friends once weekly and always says he intends to go again on his own over the weekend). I move heaven and earth to protect that workout time for him (i.e. never schedule anything for that night). He often binge eats in the early morning before I'm up, or late at night after I've gone to bed. When he runs errands, he hits the drive-thru. If he ever feels the slightest bit of deprivation, it tends to make him binge eat. No amount of exercise can possibly make up for the calories he consumes. We keep no snacks/treats in the house - he will find any carb in the house (whole wheat bread, whole wheat tortillas) and consume it. Making him in charge of making the kids' lunches has helped because now he will make sure there's something available for them - before that he didn't really think of them and I would be left without lunch supplies.

I get resentful when I sense that he blames me for our limited sex life. The efforts I've made to improve things in that department have been rough because his stamina is shot, and his blood pressure is crazy (making maintaining an erection difficult) - it has made sex extremely unsatisfying for both of us. I try my best to point out that it's only going to get worse unless he makes changes. He feels bad about it, but is somehow able to compartmentalize the issues so that he expects something different to happen each time we try - but I end up very frustrated and have no where to go with my irritation over the whole situation. I read so much on here about low desire spouses, and would have to classify myself as one at this point - I'm really okay without ever having sex again as it's just fraught with difficulty and it's not worth the effort.

He doesn't physically repulse me, he has good personal hygiene. We have a good life together, our kids are thriving, and our household is fairly peaceful. We do spend time together doing things we enjoy. There's nothing bad enough here for me to consider destroying the rest of the good in our lives. The thing I've learned over my years dealing with this issue in particular is that he has to want change, and he has to do it himself. I can only make sure that I'm not creating any roadblocks, and support the heck of out whatever positive choices he makes. In reality, he needs lots of therapy to get at the emotional issues going on - so I've given up on proposing weight loss plans & personal trainers. He will make some progress with those, but end up right back where he is because those emotional issues aren't addressed. So here we are. I manage my own anxiety by making sure we can live on one salary (mine) and we have lots of savings & good health insurance (he's not insurable for life insurance due to his health issues). I know that no matter what he does, the kids and I will be fine.

Good luck.

Gross obesity is related to fulfilling psychological needs through food. Very rarely is it physical in origin.

Here's the thing: as a husband and father he has a responsibility to maintain his health as best he can in order to be a long-term functioning member of the household. No, he doesn't need to be a hard body but he DOES need to take that part of his husband/dad responsibility more seriously. I would present it to him in this way - nicely.

And, as a husband, he has a responsibility to take care of himself physically, weight, grooming, tidy for you, so life and sex together are pleasant. And yes, wives need to do both of these things (here and written above) as well. Don't tell me your kids are the single most important thing in your life women and you'd do anything for them when you're pushing 250 pounds at 5 foot 3. Clearly, you won't maintain your health for them.

I'm amazed at the number of couples/parents who take no pride or care of themselves physically.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure this has been posted a thousand times before, but I need to vent. DH is fat and gross. He was a bit overweight when we met, but it didn't bother me because we were very active and we enjoyed physically demanding hobbies (running, biking, etc.) We loved doing those things together and he even lost some weight and was pretty fit for many years.

Fast forward 15 years: he has become extremely lazy (physically), and any down time is spent laying down looking at the phone or reading. He has gotten REALLY fat. We never had great sexual chemistry, but now it is utterly gone. He is so fat and out of shape that he is even worse in bed - it's almost like it is too much effort to move around very much. He is practically listless when we try to have sex. And it makes his penis way smaller. And he smells, because I swear he cannot wipe his butt very well because he is too fat and out of shape.

PHEW.

He is otherwise a really wonderful husband and father. Good job, great with the kids, kind, supportive, generous, funny. I am fully committed to our marriage. We have also weathered many difficult trials together - major kid issues, death, illness, etc etc. We have been through a lot and he is rock solid and amazing.

But this weight thing, my goodness! I would like to feel a little sexual attraction to this man and not be completely grossed out by him physically.

I don't think there is much I can do. We have a mutually respectful relationship and I don't believe in nagging or trying to make other people do things they don't want to do. He knows he's overweight. He knows I don't like it. There's really not anything else to be done I don't think.

I can't read past the second paragraph and your butt wiping comment. it made my stomach turn. And I'm wondering what kind of person humiliates their husband on an anonymous board like that? You must have zero respect for him. And calling him fat so many times? Ouch. He may be fat but he's your husband for god sakes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? When we had a kid, DH shed serious pounds, because he wants to live longer for the sake of our child. (I wish I could say that for myself, but alas. No luck yet. But I did have a very emotionally difficult year, and its aftermath will take time to dwindle. Unfortunately, for me depressions is weight gain, because I am an emotional eater.)

Nope, this definitely isn't a kids issue. Kids are older, all older than 7.

Would he do something like going biking with the kids after dinner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you give him time to hit the gym?

Or is it one more chore after another from you?

I am so sick of this obnoxious troll.

Touched a nerve, did I?