New poster, but I just read pp.'s note, and you really helped me also. It's some of the best advice I've read in a while. Oh, and I'm a guy.

This happened to me two decades ago. He was abusive, I stayed for the kids, and when we split up he seemed to have moved on quickly. I was so upset that he could behave well for her and didn't for me. Well, that's what I thought. It's decades later and I now know that he developed a substance abuse problem and now has some pretty serious health problems because of that. I also found out he was jailed during their marriage for assault-- so even though I don't know of any abuse against her, I don't think he changed. And he was perpetually unemployed during those decades. On the other hand, not only did my kids grow up without thinking abuse is normal, but they grew up to be fantastic people. The kids went on to graduate really good colleges and are doing good, positive things with their lives. And I have a great career I never would have predicted. Honestly, we had some tough financial times and I never did find a new man, but I'm having a wonderful life.

My advice is to write down every awful thing he ever did and read every time you think how great he is. Because somewhere in your mind, you are idealizing him. He hasn't changed. He is just charming her like he charmed you years ago.

Oh, and don't worry about your kids relationship with her. She is probably nice. I always figured that if my ex picked me, he knew how to pick women well. The kids will never love her more than you but you want them to get along. In the meantime, follow the suggestions on this thread: get him off social media, work out, get some new hobbies and meet some new people. You will really be okay.

OP again: tonight is the night he is introducing my kids to his girlfriend. It really sucks.

Anonymous wrote:Op, you did not waste your life. You stayed and you tried because you were married and you had kids and you wanted them to grow up with two parents. There is nothing you could have done that would have changed his behavior. She doesn't have some magic stubbornness that you didn't have. Really, you don't know what's going on in their relationship and you won't know whether he'll become abusive until years have gone by and they're married. Abusers don't start relationships that way, you know this.

Don't blame yourself for the problems he caused. Don't think there was something you could have done to make him stop abusing you and your kids. It wasn't your fault. It was him making a choice about how to behave and ultimately he is the only one with the power to control his behavior. Not you.

OP here. Thank you so much everyone, and this last post was something I hadn't faced and it feels right. I could not have changed him. I was actually considering hypnosis to stop thinking about the combination of resentment and envy, and the way I tell myself how little I have to offer.

Op, you did not waste your life. You stayed and you tried because you were married and you had kids and you wanted them to grow up with two parents. There is nothing you could have done that would have changed his behavior. She doesn't have some magic stubbornness that you didn't have. Really, you don't know what's going on in their relationship and you won't know whether he'll become abusive until years have gone by and they're married. Abusers don't start relationships that way, you know this.

Don't blame yourself for the problems he caused. Don't think there was something you could have done to make him stop abusing you and your kids. It wasn't your fault. It was him making a choice about how to behave and ultimately he is the only one with the power to control his behavior. Not you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this perhaps an abusive marriage and you aren't focusing on that in therapy? Oddly, they can be the most difficult to dissociate from, particularly if there was a lot of gas-lighting and general mind-fuckery.

OP here and yes he was verbally and emotionally abusive. But I put up with it when I should have stood up for myself and my kids, and the fact that his new GF doesn't put up with it just brings the point home. I can't even say "she'll find out what a jerk he is" because she won't allow it. That's what makes me feel like I wasted my life.

Or he's behaving now because they're still in the honeymoon stage. His true colors will come out. He can't keep up the act forever.

THIS
Know this and move on.

I'm sorry you are going through this but you won't heal until you get your ex out of your head. You're stuck because you are letting him stay on in your head. Your best revenge is to move on and forget about him. Let him go and respect yourself and look forward to a happier and more fulfilling life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this perhaps an abusive marriage and you aren't focusing on that in therapy? Oddly, they can be the most difficult to dissociate from, particularly if there was a lot of gas-lighting and general mind-fuckery.

OP here and yes he was verbally and emotionally abusive. But I put up with it when I should have stood up for myself and my kids, and the fact that his new GF doesn't put up with it just brings the point home. I can't even say "she'll find out what a jerk he is" because she won't allow it. That's what makes me feel like I wasted my life.

Or he's behaving now because they're still in the honeymoon stage. His true colors will come out. He can't keep up the act forever.

The point is that your relationship with him is over. Stop concerning yourself with the person he is with and how their relationship is going. It doesn't matter. You need to focus on yourself and your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. You can never heal as long as you're in his orbit. Unplug from him entirely. Start haniging out with friends and meet some new ones. Hire a personal trainer and get a revenge body, become healthy and self confident.

+1million

Agree a 100%. I would also add. Go out and date! Get laid. It doesn't have to a serious relationship. Trust me, when you pick up interests of your own and learn that you are worth it, healing comes fast.

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. You can never heal as long as you're in his orbit. Unplug from him entirely. Start haniging out with friends and meet some new ones. Hire a personal trainer and get a revenge body, become healthy and self confident.

+2. All good advice, especially the part about removing yourself entirely from his orbit. Under no circumstances should you check his social media or let your friends even mention his name to you. You need a news blackout so you can start to heal.