Anonymous
03/25/2016 11:06
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Your problem is that when your MIL announces at the last minute that she is coming, you cancel plans with friends and frantically clean and cook. Instead you should say, "Great, glad you are coming, I have X Y and Z plans but we will love to have you here and I'll be available for dinner. Let's order pizza." Etc.
You can also tell her no if you don't want her to come. You don't have to have a reason. You don't have to feel guilty.
The bigger, more generous thing to do would be to let her come. You and your parents would be nicer people if you genuinely welcomed her. Maybe she likes your parents and would like to spend time with them. But being generous only works if it is actually sincere. If you feel put-out and do it grudgingly, it's best if you just don't. Tell MIL this is not a good time for you all but you would love to see her the next weekend, or whenever suits you. It's your house.
You can also tell her no if you don't want her to come. You don't have to have a reason. You don't have to feel guilty.
The bigger, more generous thing to do would be to let her come. You and your parents would be nicer people if you genuinely welcomed her. Maybe she likes your parents and would like to spend time with them. But being generous only works if it is actually sincere. If you feel put-out and do it grudgingly, it's best if you just don't. Tell MIL this is not a good time for you all but you would love to see her the next weekend, or whenever suits you. It's your house.
Anonymous
03/25/2016 10:17
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
MIL has asked to come up for the two days prior to the day of my parents' arrival, with overlap on the day they would arrive. My parents don't really care for her company, and would be nonplussed if they had to share time with her.
Your parents sound like assholes, OP.
They kind of are. But they're my assholes!
OP sounds like an asshole too.
I honestly feel bad for her MIL and her husband, but he was the one to marry the asshole and her asshole family, so I guess you make your bed.
NP. +1.
I imagine 30 years from now OP will be complaining about her asshole DIL who never lets her see her son, and will be scratching her head wondering where he learned that dynamic from because family is family.
Hey, now, PP. This woman typically decides within a day or two before the weekend that she will be coming up and I have only said no maybe one other time in the past 5 years (due to similar circumstances). I typically say yes and immediately cancel plans with friends, clean frantically, and spend the whole weekend cooking and hosting. Its fine, in fact I wish that she came more because I want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents. Its just this one weekend, which I feel guilty enough about that I am posting on DCUM asking for advice about it. I'm sure I'm an asshole in a lot of other ways (like my asshole parents), but I really think I'm doing okay in this department!
So what makes this weekend different? The fact that she'll overlap with your parents for a matter of hours? You're all adults here; tell your parents to deal with it for the small window they have to see her. It comes off as petty and small to deny this request. No one is saying you have to be the most involved hostess, and she seems pretty self sufficient anyway.
Anonymous
03/25/2016 08:27
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:What holiday? Will both sides be there on Easter?
MIL actually doesn't sound like too much work. Especially if she's going out shopping on her own (which she might be doing to give you a break. I go shopping when I visit my inlaws to give his parents more time to spend with DH alone)
I agree. I'd tell her to come and get it over with. You have to clean the house anyway.
Anonymous
03/25/2016 08:11
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
I wouldn't mind the visit. It's two days. My MIL visits for four weeks at a time coming from overseas so two days sounds like nothing to me. By the time she would be irritating she'd be gone. And she's come while I've been pregnant each time, etc... It's great yours can do things on her own. My MIL doesn't drive or leave the house on her own.
Anonymous
03/25/2016 07:57
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
MIL has asked to come up for the two days prior to the day of my parents' arrival, with overlap on the day they would arrive. My parents don't really care for her company, and would be nonplussed if they had to share time with her.
Your parents sound like assholes, OP.
They kind of are. But they're my assholes!
OP sounds like an asshole too.
I honestly feel bad for her MIL and her husband, but he was the one to marry the asshole and her asshole family, so I guess you make your bed.
NP. +1.
I imagine 30 years from now OP will be complaining about her asshole DIL who never lets her see her son, and will be scratching her head wondering where he learned that dynamic from because family is family.
Hey, now, PP. This woman typically decides within a day or two before the weekend that she will be coming up and I have only said no maybe one other time in the past 5 years (due to similar circumstances). I typically say yes and immediately cancel plans with friends, clean frantically, and spend the whole weekend cooking and hosting. Its fine, in fact I wish that she came more because I want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents. Its just this one weekend, which I feel guilty enough about that I am posting on DCUM asking for advice about it. I'm sure I'm an asshole in a lot of other ways (like my asshole parents), but I really think I'm doing okay in this department!
Anonymous
03/25/2016 00:43
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
MIL has asked to come up for the two days prior to the day of my parents' arrival, with overlap on the day they would arrive. My parents don't really care for her company, and would be nonplussed if they had to share time with her.
Your parents sound like assholes, OP.
They kind of are. But they're my assholes!
OP sounds like an asshole too.
I honestly feel bad for her MIL and her husband, but he was the one to marry the asshole and her asshole family, so I guess you make your bed.
NP. +1.
I imagine 30 years from now OP will be complaining about her asshole DIL who never lets her see her son, and will be scratching her head wondering where he learned that dynamic from because family is family.
Anonymous
03/24/2016 23:57
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
MIL has asked to come up for the two days prior to the day of my parents' arrival, with overlap on the day they would arrive. My parents don't really care for her company, and would be nonplussed if they had to share time with her.
Your parents sound like assholes, OP.
They kind of are. But they're my assholes!
OP sounds like an asshole too.
I honestly feel bad for her MIL and her husband, but he was the one to marry the asshole and her asshole family, so I guess you make your bed.
I imagine 30 years from now OP will be complaining about her asshole DIL who never lets her see her son, and will be scratching her head wondering where he learned that dynamic from because family is family.
Anonymous
03/24/2016 23:55
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
What's your husband's opinion on this?
Personally I don't get the whole grandparents can't share time thing that is a common theme on DCUM of late, but maybe that's because I grew up in a different kind of family and we didn't do the whole his and hers things.
Honestly it doesn't sound like your MIL is terrible. IT seems like she's trying her best to be helpful to you and stay out of your way and not interfere with your life and how you do things, and probably figures it might be easier for you to get the visiting out of the way at once.
Do this visit now and save your no for after the baby's is born.
Personally I don't get the whole grandparents can't share time thing that is a common theme on DCUM of late, but maybe that's because I grew up in a different kind of family and we didn't do the whole his and hers things.
Honestly it doesn't sound like your MIL is terrible. IT seems like she's trying her best to be helpful to you and stay out of your way and not interfere with your life and how you do things, and probably figures it might be easier for you to get the visiting out of the way at once.
Do this visit now and save your no for after the baby's is born.
Anonymous
03/24/2016 23:12
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
MIL has asked to come up for the two days prior to the day of my parents' arrival, with overlap on the day they would arrive. My parents don't really care for her company, and would be nonplussed if they had to share time with her.
Your parents sound like assholes, OP.
They kind of are. But they're my assholes!
That's a good one OP!
Anonymous
03/24/2016 22:08
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
MIL has asked to come up for the two days prior to the day of my parents' arrival, with overlap on the day they would arrive. My parents don't really care for her company, and would be nonplussed if they had to share time with her.
Your parents sound like assholes, OP.
They kind of are. But they're my assholes!
Anonymous
03/24/2016 21:54
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
OP stick with no, don't feel guilty about it. I can't imagine MIL for 2 days and on top of that overlapping the day my mother is visiting.
Anonymous
03/24/2016 20:43
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:
MIL has asked to come up for the two days prior to the day of my parents' arrival, with overlap on the day they would arrive. My parents don't really care for her company, and would be nonplussed if they had to share time with her.
Your parents sound like assholes, OP.
Anonymous
03/24/2016 19:13
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:This is easy: no. A week or two later or earlier, sure. There is no reason to double up/extend hosting like this. She is being unreasonable. As long as you've offered a comparable replacement date, you have nothing to feel bad about.
+1000
Anonymous
03/24/2016 18:52
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
I would say no. That would make me crazy. My MIL is ok in small doses, and on her own. But when she's around other people she starts trying to show off her amazing grandmotherliness and becomes nutballs. I can't deal with it. My parents can't stand her, and MIL turns it up to 11 around them. So I'd avoid that situation at all costs.
Anonymous
03/24/2016 18:36
Subject: Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?
Yes, with DH cooperation. Since you said MIL is not high maintenance, it should be easy to host her with your DH cooperation, regardless of the facts that she's closer.
You can relaxed a lot when your parents at home since you can put your guard down and ask them to help you around the house if needed.
Don't be biased with your MIL when she's not a terrible houseguest.
You can relaxed a lot when your parents at home since you can put your guard down and ask them to help you around the house if needed.
Don't be biased with your MIL when she's not a terrible houseguest.