Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Non Jew here who did not grow up in an are where bar mitzvahs were common (I have never attended one and I am in my 40s).

Why is the party so elaborate? Laser shows, photobooths, major favors and the like?

I get the DJ and food, but what is the motivation for the other stuff? Was it like that when you were kids or is it a newer trend?

I'm 39, grew up in the Tri-state area, and aside from the Photo Booth, this is how it's always been. Huge events at country clubs or catering halls. This is where my sister's bat mitzvah ceremony was: https://www.cresthollow.com/events/bar-bat-mitzvahs/

In addition, she had a magician, a viennese table, a live band, photographer, videographer, party favors (personalized trophy for each kid at the dias), an after party at our house, a sleepover, and a brunch the following day. That doesn't include the private tutoring with the cantor, paying the rabbi/temple for the actual ceremony Saturday morning, the oneg after the ceremony at the temple, the special dresses (both for the Friday night service AND the Saturday event) for sister, mom, me, suits for dad and brother, etc. And this sort of thing is exactly what my older cousins were doing too. So it seems perfectly normal to me.

It seems astonishing to me. Where I grew up, this is what everybody had: oneg Friday night at the synagogue, a catered lunch Saturday at the synagogue after the service. No special dresses or clothes, no trophies, no sleepovers, and I don't know what a Viennese table is (and don't feel like Googling).

I find all of the comments about gift grabs really interesting. All of the bar mitzvah's I've been to in recent years have been much more focused on donations for a (charitable) mitzvah project than personal enrichment. Not a gift grab by any stretch of the imagination.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Non Jew here who did not grow up in an are where bar mitzvahs were common (I have never attended one and I am in my 40s).

Why is the party so elaborate? Laser shows, photobooths, major favors and the like?

I get the DJ and food, but what is the motivation for the other stuff? Was it like that when you were kids or is it a newer trend?

I'm 39, grew up in the Tri-state area, and aside from the Photo Booth, this is how it's always been. Huge events at country clubs or catering halls. This is where my sister's bat mitzvah ceremony was: https://www.cresthollow.com/events/bar-bat-mitzvahs/

In addition, she had a magician, a viennese table, a live band, photographer, videographer, party favors (personalized trophy for each kid at the dias), an after party at our house, a sleepover, and a brunch the following day. That doesn't include the private tutoring with the cantor, paying the rabbi/temple for the actual ceremony Saturday morning, the oneg after the ceremony at the temple, the special dresses (both for the Friday night service AND the Saturday event) for sister, mom, me, suits for dad and brother, etc. And this sort of thing is exactly what my older cousins were doing too. So it seems perfectly normal to me.

I will add: the extravagance comes from the size: if we were only having 20 people, we could have it at our house. But once we invite both sides of the families, we are at too many people for our house. We wanted to have friends, etc. So we were up to 100 people. There is no way we could have it at our house.

We could rent the fire hall, and have a caterer come in, or we could have it in the banquet hall of a nice restaurant. The cost of the venue was $80/adult $40/kid (kids eat less and don't drink booze). That included the room and the dance floor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Non Jew here who did not grow up in an are where bar mitzvahs were common (I have never attended one and I am in my 40s).

Why is the party so elaborate? Laser shows, photobooths, major favors and the like?

I get the DJ and food, but what is the motivation for the other stuff? Was it like that when you were kids or is it a newer trend?

I'm 39, grew up in the Tri-state area, and aside from the Photo Booth, this is how it's always been. Huge events at country clubs or catering halls. This is where my sister's bat mitzvah ceremony was: https://www.cresthollow.com/events/bar-bat-mitzvahs/

In addition, she had a magician, a viennese table, a live band, photographer, videographer, party favors (personalized trophy for each kid at the dias), an after party at our house, a sleepover, and a brunch the following day. That doesn't include the private tutoring with the cantor, paying the rabbi/temple for the actual ceremony Saturday morning, the oneg after the ceremony at the temple, the special dresses (both for the Friday night service AND the Saturday event) for sister, mom, me, suits for dad and brother, etc. And this sort of thing is exactly what my older cousins were doing too. So it seems perfectly normal to me.

Did you not have one? Why not?

Anonymous wrote:Non Jew here who did not grow up in an are where bar mitzvahs were common (I have never attended one and I am in my 40s).

Why is the party so elaborate? Laser shows, photobooths, major favors and the like?

I get the DJ and food, but what is the motivation for the other stuff? Was it like that when you were kids or is it a newer trend?

I'm 39, grew up in the Tri-state area, and aside from the Photo Booth, this is how it's always been. Huge events at country clubs or catering halls. This is where my sister's bat mitzvah ceremony was: https://www.cresthollow.com/events/bar-bat-mitzvahs/

In addition, she had a magician, a viennese table, a live band, photographer, videographer, party favors (personalized trophy for each kid at the dias), an after party at our house, a sleepover, and a brunch the following day. That doesn't include the private tutoring with the cantor, paying the rabbi/temple for the actual ceremony Saturday morning, the oneg after the ceremony at the temple, the special dresses (both for the Friday night service AND the Saturday event) for sister, mom, me, suits for dad and brother, etc. And this sort of thing is exactly what my older cousins were doing too. So it seems perfectly normal to me.

Anonymous wrote:Non Jew here who did not grow up in an are where bar mitzvahs were common (I have never attended one and I am in my 40s).

Why is the party so elaborate? Laser shows, photobooths, major favors and the like?

I get the DJ and food, but what is the motivation for the other stuff? Was it like that when you were kids or is it a newer trend?

It doesn't have to be. But in this area, there are plenty of people with money to spend, and so they spend it.

Anonymous wrote:I had lots of Jewish friends growing up (I'm not Jewish) and was never invited to a single Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

Sounds like a modern day gift grab to me.

Huh? Inviting classmates to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is not a new thing. I'm 37 & am not Jewish but I went to several classmates' Bar/Bat Mitzvahs back in the early 90s.

Anonymous wrote:Non Jew here who did not grow up in an are where bar mitzvahs were common (I have never attended one and I am in my 40s).

Why is the party so elaborate? Laser shows, photobooths, major favors and the like?

I get the DJ and food, but what is the motivation for the other stuff? Was it like that when you were kids or is it a newer trend?

Basically the "extras" don't really add much to the cost, and make things more memorable. Fundamentally, planning the party is difficult because it is for both adults and 12/13/14 yo's.

I personally don't get the attraction of a Photo Booth, but the kids loved it.

Non Jew here who did not grow up in an are where bar mitzvahs were common (I have never attended one and I am in my 40s).

Why is the party so elaborate? Laser shows, photobooths, major favors and the like?

I get the DJ and food, but what is the motivation for the other stuff? Was it like that when you were kids or is it a newer trend?

Surprised no one has mentioned that your child will also probably have a blast at these events. Obviously if the scheduling doesn't work and it's not a vlast friend, politely decline, but a catered party with a band, dj, favors etc...is pretty fun for most young teens

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a huge, HUGE social aspect to these things. They don't invite the whole grade because it is meaningful. There is a competition amongst families and it is a big deal on Monday to see who has the shirt, who got left out. Why would you invite random people to such a sacred event?

I agree.

When you get to the point that you are inviting a ton of kids who have no real relationship with the guest of honor, it becomes less about the special religious milestone and more about throwing a big party (and getting gifts).

I completely disagree. We are inviting DD's whole class because there are 20 children in it, and if we invited only the 12 or so whom she is friendly with, then we would be acting exclusionary and leaving people out. Of course, people are welcome not to accept our invitation. Believe me, the LAST thing any of us is thinking about are the gifts. We are very focused on DD learning her Torah portion, on getting our words to her right, on making sure that we honor people appropriately in the candle lighting ceremony, etc. It really doesn't matter whether people give gifts or not....having the people we love around us as DD takes this huge step is what it's about, and inviting the extra people - her classmates whom she isn't that friendly with but who are also part of a small class, the athletes on her team she isn't close to but are still part of her age group and therefore spend a lot of time with her at practie - is just a side effect. If those people don't want to come, no harm. I'm inviting them to be nice and inclusive. That's it.

This. My DD"s Bat Mitzvah was a year ago. She worked really hard preparing for it, and was really worried she would mess up; She did great!

We did not invite all her classes mates; there were about 150 of them...and about 600 kids in her grade. I kind of wish we had invited more kids, because the kids provide the energy for the party. For the most part, the adults sit around and talk, but the kids are out, moving around, on the dance floor, etc. Adding more kids is not free; the economics show that (with the exception of the really close relatives), the cost of the party is greater than the value of the gifts. Adding 10 more kids would have cost about 500 dollars; and probably would have resulted in $380 more in gifts....so calling it a gift grab is stupid.

The party was for my daughter, to celebrate the accomplishment and honor of being called up for an Aliyah -- to read the prayers before the Torah reading, which is reserved for Adults. She ran the service (with her partner) and did an excellent job. She celebrated it with her friends and family.

The gift grab posters are hilarious. Do you have any idea how much bar and bat mitzvahs cost per head? A hell of a lot more than any classmate gift would be. The kids even GET gifts for coming to the reception. Between the tee shirts, photo booths, dj swag, candy buffet and whatever else, the classmates' gifts aren't offsetting anything. And that's just the kids stuff on top of venue, catering, religious school, haftorah tutoring, band or dj, photographer, you get the idea. Gift grab. Yeah right.

For the people who are saying "gift grab" - be aware that the expense of having these kids at the party - which is usually a catered event with a pp charge - is generally larger than any gift a kid is going to give, and some kids don't even give gifts, just cards. I speak from experience, having just done my DD's bat mitzvah. To be clear, we couldn't have cared less about the gifts - my daughter mostly was excited to celebrate with her friends. The gifts she got were pretty much checks, and mostly from the adults, which we promptly put in a bank account for her - she can use the $ for something special when she is older.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a huge, HUGE social aspect to these things. They don't invite the whole grade because it is meaningful. There is a competition amongst families and it is a big deal on Monday to see who has the shirt, who got left out. Why would you invite random people to such a sacred event?

I agree.

When you get to the point that you are inviting a ton of kids who have no real relationship with the guest of honor, it becomes less about the special religious milestone and more about throwing a big party (and getting gifts).

+100

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a huge, HUGE social aspect to these things. They don't invite the whole grade because it is meaningful. There is a competition amongst families and it is a big deal on Monday to see who has the shirt, who got left out. Why would you invite random people to such a sacred event?

I agree.

When you get to the point that you are inviting a ton of kids who have no real relationship with the guest of honor, it becomes less about the special religious milestone and more about throwing a big party (and getting gifts).

I completely disagree. We are inviting DD's whole class because there are 20 children in it, and if we invited only the 12 or so whom she is friendly with, then we would be acting exclusionary and leaving people out. Of course, people are welcome not to accept our invitation. Believe me, the LAST thing any of us is thinking about are the gifts. We are very focused on DD learning her Torah portion, on getting our words to her right, on making sure that we honor people appropriately in the candle lighting ceremony, etc. It really doesn't matter whether people give gifts or not....having the people we love around us as DD takes this huge step is what it's about, and inviting the extra people - her classmates whom she isn't that friendly with but who are also part of a small class, the athletes on her team she isn't close to but are still part of her age group and therefore spend a lot of time with her at practie - is just a side effect. If those people don't want to come, no harm. I'm inviting them to be nice and inclusive. That's it.

My kid is in public school.so inviting the whole class is a much larger number than a small private school.class pf.just 20 kids. That difference is probably coloring several posters reactions.

Inviting the "whole class" in a public middle school is a huge gift grab or attempt.to focus on throwing the biggest party.