Wow that is an obnoxious question.

I would think you would help them unless they raised YOU with emotional/mental/verbal/ and/or physical abuse.

That's what I thought this post was going to be about!

My MIL completely cut out and shut out her own parents as well as her in laws, even though her parents are wonderful (her dad recently passed away, and she hasn't even seen her widowed mom since then). She's heartless and selfish when it comes to her in laws and parents. She does help us every once in awhile with our children, but that doesn't mean we owe her some sort of living arrangement in our home or anything of the sort as she ages. I can't help but look at how treated her own.

The irony here is that they are reaping what they showed: they raised an asshole

Anonymous wrote:My mother was and is an incredibly selfish and cruel person. All of you going on about gratitude must have parents who love you. For some of us that is not the reality. I will do what I need to do to live with myself and be an example to my children but no financial support and she will NEVER live in my home.

My MIL, I adore and I will definitely take care of her. In fact I would do so even if something happened to DH or if we every split up.

OK, but this thread has nothing to do with what you are talking about. The question is not tit for tat because of how parents treated you, but rather how they treat GRANDKIDS.

Anonymous wrote:Should one's responsibility to one's aging parents bear any relationship to the amount of help they did or did not provide with the grandchildren?

No. If you like to keep score then you need to remember that they raised you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking at it from a different perspective, my mom has done a lot to help with and take care of my kids, and I fully plan to take care of her when she is elderly. If she were not able to help me out I would still take care of her, but I feel I have a greater responsibility than my siblings because she has given my family so much help.

My FIL lives on the other side of the country and therefore hasn't helped as much, but as DH is his only child, I also understand that we have a responsibility to him when he is elderly.

MIL, OTOH, was abusive to DH but spoiled the crap out of and is close with his younger sister, so younger sister is on the hook for her. If sister doesn't have the means, we would help that way, but it is on her to put the time in.

I am glad you feel this way but it isn't the norm. That hasn't worked out for us for various reasons in both my family and DH's family.

This is what my mom has modeled for me. My grandmother (her MIL) was very good to us when I was growing up, and though she did a ton for her own daughter, my aunt is just not very nice to her mother, so my mom has always assured my grandmother that she would take care of her (and is doing so now). Her own mother wasn't that good to her, but she still helps her as well.

FWIW, I know many say it is a cultural thing, but we are WASPs from the Northeast. And, I fully recognize how lucky I am to have my mom, and tell her so daily. She wasn't perfect by any means, but no one is. I hope my own children will remember that our family takes care of our elderly, but if they don't, I certainly won't regret being there for my mom.

My mother was and is an incredibly selfish and cruel person. All of you going on about gratitude must have parents who love you. For some of us that is not the reality. I will do what I need to do to live with myself and be an example to my children but no financial support and she will NEVER live in my home.

My MIL, I adore and I will definitely take care of her. In fact I would do so even if something happened to DH or if we every split up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

But having lost both my parents (one as a child, the other as an adult, one to a long terminal illness, one suddenly) it's given me a lot of forgiveness for my parents, and letting go the idea of wanting/wishing them to be perfect. Especially being an adult and learning how hard things really can be sometimes.

If you want to be like your parents? Treat them as they did you.

If you want to be better than your parents were, then do & be better.

+1 and AMEN!

+2

Love isn't a quid pro quo. I know and trust that my parents love me unconditionally, and that they did the best they could raising me. I know and trust that they love my children, and that they are doing the best they can as grandparents. But helping them as they age--it's not because they've "earned" it by helping me out. My mom sacrificed a lot to care for her elderly mother, because she loved her mom. I will do the same if necessary, because I love my parents. I hope that, if I ever need help from my kids, they will help me, not because I've "earned" it, but because they love me and they know I love them, just as I care for them because I love them.

Anonymous wrote:Looking at it from a different perspective, my mom has done a lot to help with and take care of my kids, and I fully plan to take care of her when she is elderly. If she were not able to help me out I would still take care of her, but I feel I have a greater responsibility than my siblings because she has given my family so much help.

My FIL lives on the other side of the country and therefore hasn't helped as much, but as DH is his only child, I also understand that we have a responsibility to him when he is elderly.

MIL, OTOH, was abusive to DH but spoiled the crap out of and is close with his younger sister, so younger sister is on the hook for her. If sister doesn't have the means, we would help that way, but it is on her to put the time in.

I am glad you feel this way but it isn't the norm. That hasn't worked out for us for various reasons in both my family and DH's family.

Anonymous wrote:No.

But having lost both my parents (one as a child, the other as an adult, one to a long terminal illness, one suddenly) it's given me a lot of forgiveness for my parents, and letting go the idea of wanting/wishing them to be perfect. Especially being an adult and learning how hard things really can be sometimes.

If you want to be like your parents? Treat them as they did you.

If you want to be better than your parents were, then do & be better.

+1 and AMEN!

Anonymous wrote:Should one's responsibility to one's aging parents bear any relationship to the amount of help they did or did not provide with the grandchildren?

No. Parents are responsible for children not grandparents. You are paying back the fact that they raised you and gave you life.

No, but I think it should have to do with how those parents treated their own children.