Anonymous
03/15/2016 19:55
Subject: Second Wedding Etiquette
Anonymous wrote:This is shaping up to be the start of your second divorce. You can't spend your entire relationship not doing X because some busy body might say something.
You can't penalize your husband or yourself for that matter for being married before.
Yes you were married before and it ended. That's the facts.
It's also fact that you have found someone else you would like to share the rest of your life with and if you want the second half of that statement to come true your DH's feelings need to matter more to you than your nosy aunt or gossipy cousins.
So what if most men don't have ideas for their wedding, your fiance does. This is his first and hopefully only wedding, this is the mark of the start of your lives together. Don't treat it like some dirty side show act that should only be viewed behind a curtain and talked about in hushed tones.
Congrats and good luck!
OP here, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This honestly is probably the best advice I've gotten from anyone! Again, thank you.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 19:18
Subject: Second Wedding Etiquette
This is shaping up to be the start of your second divorce. You can't spend your entire relationship not doing X because some busy body might say something.
You can't penalize your husband or yourself for that matter for being married before.
Yes you were married before and it ended. That's the facts.
It's also fact that you have found someone else you would like to share the rest of your life with and if you want the second half of that statement to come true your DH's feelings need to matter more to you than your nosy aunt or gossipy cousins.
So what if most men don't have ideas for their wedding, your fiance does. This is his first and hopefully only wedding, this is the mark of the start of your lives together. Don't treat it like some dirty side show act that should only be viewed behind a curtain and talked about in hushed tones.
Congrats and good luck!
You can't penalize your husband or yourself for that matter for being married before.
Yes you were married before and it ended. That's the facts.
It's also fact that you have found someone else you would like to share the rest of your life with and if you want the second half of that statement to come true your DH's feelings need to matter more to you than your nosy aunt or gossipy cousins.
So what if most men don't have ideas for their wedding, your fiance does. This is his first and hopefully only wedding, this is the mark of the start of your lives together. Don't treat it like some dirty side show act that should only be viewed behind a curtain and talked about in hushed tones.
Congrats and good luck!
Anonymous
03/15/2016 19:09
Subject: Second Wedding Etiquette
I would say avoid a giant Country Club wedding because they are so expensive and pretty boring honestly.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 18:23
Subject: Second Wedding Etiquette
My second wedding was the second for the groom, as well, and it was not a traditional church wedding, but it was lovely. I would suggest having the ceremony and party at a beautiful country estate nearby (there are lots in this area). You can make it more sophisticated than your usual big church wedding. Another alternative (which is easier to plan), is to have a small ceremony with family and close friends, and then a few weeks later have a big party at the country club for the bigger group of friends. That way people don't feel as though they have to buy gifts, and the couple is more relaxed. The club will do the food, etc and you don't have to deal with the wedding cake, etc.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 17:52
Subject: Second Wedding Etiquette
I wanted a small second wedding. Twenty or so people, my parent's back yard.
DH wanted his first and only wedding to be a "real" wedding. So... that's what we did. I had an ivory dress. It was actually better than my first wedding.
I have no idea if people talked behind my back or not. Some likely did. Oh well. DH was a little insulted to think that he shouldn't get the wedding he wanted because I had already been married to someone else. FWIW, his mom was behind him all. the. way.
DH wanted his first and only wedding to be a "real" wedding. So... that's what we did. I had an ivory dress. It was actually better than my first wedding.
I have no idea if people talked behind my back or not. Some likely did. Oh well. DH was a little insulted to think that he shouldn't get the wedding he wanted because I had already been married to someone else. FWIW, his mom was behind him all. the. way.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 16:52
Subject: Second Wedding Etiquette
I like the idea of a small ceremony and then a big reception. I'll see if I can get him to go along with that idea.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 16:28
Subject: Re:Second Wedding Etiquette
Anonymous wrote:Have you been to a bride's elaborate second wedding? I have. The second time bride's parents looked like they were incredibly uncomfortable and the toasts from the bride's side were awkward. I also heard a lot of weird comments like comparing the bride's two weddings, etc. So it might be uncomfortable for the bride and I don't think she should be forced into it. Like it or not everyone will assume she wanted the big wedding because most grooms don't care.
I agree that elaborate second weddings are weird. If you had a big wedding the first time around, people are going to be judging you, laughing at you, and making snarky comments under their breath all throughout your second wedding. They are also going to be remembering that they bought you a gift the first time. Is that nice? Nope. But it will happen.
I get that your fiance wants a big wedding, but I think you guys have to find something that you're comfortable with, to. What is it exactly that he wants? Maybe he'd be happy with a big party but fine with losing some of the more formal elements. Or a small ceremony and a big reception. There should be a way to have the kind of wedding that makes you both reasonably happy.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 16:15
Subject: Second Wedding Etiquette
I think it's fine to have a big wedding in terms of people, but I would keep the wedding itself more low-key and less formal. Wear whatever color dress you want (says the woman who wore a blue dress at her (so far) first wedding), but skip the poufy, lacy, frothy concoctions. Skip the tuxes and have the guys wear something a little less formal. Keep attendants to a minimum. Have a simple ceremony.
And then throw a fun party for 300 people.
And then throw a fun party for 300 people.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 15:41
Subject: Second Wedding Etiquette
OP, maybe show your husband-to-be this thread! Good luck, and I hope you have a great wedding, no matter how you choose to celebrate.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 15:39
Subject: Re:Second Wedding Etiquette
Anonymous wrote:Have you been to a bride's elaborate second wedding? I have. The second time bride's parents looked like they were incredibly uncomfortable and the toasts from the bride's side were awkward. I also heard a lot of weird comments like comparing the bride's two weddings, etc. So it might be uncomfortable for the bride and I don't think she should be forced into it. Like it or not everyone will assume she wanted the big wedding because most grooms don't care.
OP here, I have! One of my couisns had an elaborate second wedding and there were awkward stares and whispers and half of our family didn't show up because it was deemed tacky. I don't want this to be me.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 15:32
Subject: Re:Second Wedding Etiquette
Anonymous wrote:Have you been to a bride's elaborate second wedding? I have. The second time bride's parents looked like they were incredibly uncomfortable and the toasts from the bride's side were awkward. I also heard a lot of weird comments like comparing the bride's two weddings, etc. So it might be uncomfortable for the bride and I don't think she should be forced into it. Like it or not everyone will assume she wanted the big wedding because most grooms don't care.
+1. I've also been to a bride's second wedding and there were parts-especially the toasts-that were really uncomfortable. If I were you, OP, I'd let him invite as many people as he wants, but I'd keep it as casual as possible. Khakis, navy dress coats, sundresses, very small or no wedding party. Don't wear a poofy princess dress. Absolutely no shower. Also liked the idea of "girls night out", and letting your groom have a huge bachelor party-it might help him blow some wedding steam off. The idea of a big wedding is going to come across as your idea regardless of whether it actually is or not.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 15:29
Subject: Re:Second Wedding Etiquette
Anonymous wrote:OP you sound very rational and reasonable. I can understand why you would be very uncomfortable with a big wedding and I am surprised that your fiancé is pushing it. I would tell him that you are uncomfortable since your family and friends already did the big wedding with you. I would put my foot down and say no shower, no bachelorette party, no wedding party, no fancy wedding dress., and no registry. Could you encourage him to do a courthouse or immediate family ceremony then just have a big party at the country club? How old is he?
He's 35.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 15:29
Subject: Re:Second Wedding Etiquette
Anonymous wrote:Have you been to a bride's elaborate second wedding? I have. The second time bride's parents looked like they were incredibly uncomfortable and the toasts from the bride's side were awkward. I also heard a lot of weird comments like comparing the bride's two weddings, etc. So it might be uncomfortable for the bride and I don't think she should be forced into it. Like it or not everyone will assume she wanted the big wedding because most grooms don't care.
This is what I'm saying about the dress--it has to be different enough that you don't automatically compare the two dresses (or overall weddings) if you were a guest at the first wedding. So if you had a huge white cake at the first wedding, maybe do cupcakes or a dessert bar or a colorful cake. Big white first gown? Then do a form-fitting blush pink gown. Etc. It can still be "wedding-y," but it should be different so that guests aren't playing "Which Was Better: Kathy's First Wedding or Kathy's Second Wedding?"
Anonymous
03/15/2016 15:26
Subject: Re:Second Wedding Etiquette
Have you been to a bride's elaborate second wedding? I have. The second time bride's parents looked like they were incredibly uncomfortable and the toasts from the bride's side were awkward. I also heard a lot of weird comments like comparing the bride's two weddings, etc. So it might be uncomfortable for the bride and I don't think she should be forced into it. Like it or not everyone will assume she wanted the big wedding because most grooms don't care.
Anonymous
03/15/2016 15:25
Subject: Second Wedding Etiquette
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I'd definitely avoid the traditional white dress. Something elegant, yes, but in a pale gold or blush pink or anything not white or ivory.
Why? Wedding dresses are white -- why not a white wedding dress?
To be frank, because many guests who were at the first wedding (family, close friends) may be comparing the first white dress to the second white dress. And then they might compare other aspects of the weddings/grooms, etc.