Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, we don't have a separation agreement yet. Because I trusted him and his lawyer when they said they wanted to do this amicably and avoid court. Their endless stalling, their proposals with outrageous demands that no sane person could agree to, put the lie to this. A little late, but I now see them for the liars they are.

And to think I held off sending my proposal in December, because I didn't want to wreck his Christmas.

I have supported our son 100% for the last 6 months and maybe 75% for the 6 months before that, all out of my personal bank accounts. Also I'm paying about 2x what he's paying to our daughter's college.

So yes, I absolutely see this as him stealing from me. In the the sense that he knew I'd cave and feed and clothe our son, so he just sat back and waited for me to do 100% of it.

This is the part you're not seeming to get. The court will aggregate all of the accounts (except to the extent you have separate property which I suspect will be very little given the length of the marriage) and divide them in some manner. So the money you paid out for your son is no longer part of those joint accounts so you will each get a smaller share. The same with the money each of you paid out for your daughter's college. Maybe you should consider a lawyer that costs a little more because the one you have doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.

The issue that each of you has to worry about at this point is whether the other is spending down/hiding the joint funds.

OP here. We don't have ANY joint bank accounts. The only joint item is the mortgage. I do have brokerage and money market accounts, but these are in my name only. I thought I made this clear above, but I've been using my own, personal not joint, money to fund my kid's food et cetera. That's the problem.

And don't bother telling me that I'm still an idiot because I should have skimped on the food, college application fees, and so on because I won't be listening....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, we don't have a separation agreement yet. Because I trusted him and his lawyer when they said they wanted to do this amicably and avoid court. Their endless stalling, their proposals with outrageous demands that no sane person could agree to, put the lie to this. A little late, but I now see them for the liars they are.

And to think I held off sending my proposal in December, because I didn't want to wreck his Christmas.

I have supported our son 100% for the last 6 months and maybe 75% for the 6 months before that, all out of my personal bank accounts. Also I'm paying about 2x what he's paying to our daughter's college.

So yes, I absolutely see this as him stealing from me. In the the sense that he knew I'd cave and feed and clothe our son, so he just sat back and waited for me to do 100% of it.

This is the part you're not seeming to get. The court will aggregate all of the accounts (except to the extent you have separate property which I suspect will be very little given the length of the marriage) and divide them in some manner. So the money you paid out for your son is no longer part of those joint accounts so you will each get a smaller share. The same with the money each of you paid out for your daughter's college. Maybe you should consider a lawyer that costs a little more because the one you have doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.

The issue that each of you has to worry about at this point is whether the other is spending down/hiding the joint funds.

OP here. We don't have ANY joint bank accounts. The only joint item is the mortgage. I do have brokerage and money market accounts, but these are in my name only. I thought I made this clear above, but I've been using my own, personal not joint, money to fund my kid's food et cetera. That's the problem.

And don't bother telling me that I'm still an idiot because I should have skimped on the food, college application fees, and so on because I won't be listening....

PP here. You need to talk to your lawyer about marital vs. separate property. It's not simply a matter of whose name is on the account.

Trust me, we've already been there. My personal assets are largely via inheritance and while X and his lawyer tried to get their paws on them, under MD law they won't succeed, so they've given up (except passively, of course, via not helping with child support so he can use his cash instead to wine and dine his OKCupid hotties. But I digress.)

Thanks, everyone, for the advice. I will be happy to be done.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, we don't have a separation agreement yet. Because I trusted him and his lawyer when they said they wanted to do this amicably and avoid court. Their endless stalling, their proposals with outrageous demands that no sane person could agree to, put the lie to this. A little late, but I now see them for the liars they are.

And to think I held off sending my proposal in December, because I didn't want to wreck his Christmas.

I have supported our son 100% for the last 6 months and maybe 75% for the 6 months before that, all out of my personal bank accounts. Also I'm paying about 2x what he's paying to our daughter's college.

So yes, I absolutely see this as him stealing from me. In the the sense that he knew I'd cave and feed and clothe our son, so he just sat back and waited for me to do 100% of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, we don't have a separation agreement yet. Because I trusted him and his lawyer when they said they wanted to do this amicably and avoid court. Their endless stalling, their proposals with outrageous demands that no sane person could agree to, put the lie to this. A little late, but I now see them for the liars they are.

And to think I held off sending my proposal in December, because I didn't want to wreck his Christmas.

I have supported our son 100% for the last 6 months and maybe 75% for the 6 months before that, all out of my personal bank accounts. Also I'm paying about 2x what he's paying to our daughter's college.

So yes, I absolutely see this as him stealing from me. In the the sense that he knew I'd cave and feed and clothe our son, so he just sat back and waited for me to do 100% of it.

This is the part you're not seeming to get. The court will aggregate all of the accounts (except to the extent you have separate property which I suspect will be very little given the length of the marriage) and divide them in some manner. So the money you paid out for your son is no longer part of those joint accounts so you will each get a smaller share. The same with the money each of you paid out for your daughter's college. Maybe you should consider a lawyer that costs a little more because the one you have doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.

The issue that each of you has to worry about at this point is whether the other is spending down/hiding the joint funds.

OP here. We don't have ANY joint bank accounts. The only joint item is the mortgage. I do have brokerage and money market accounts, but these are in my name only. I thought I made this clear above, but I've been using my own, personal not joint, money to fund my kid's food et cetera. That's the problem.

And don't bother telling me that I'm still an idiot because I should have skimped on the food, college application fees, and so on because I won't be listening....

PP here. You need to talk to your lawyer about marital vs. separate property. It's not simply a matter of whose name is on the account.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, we don't have a separation agreement yet. Because I trusted him and his lawyer when they said they wanted to do this amicably and avoid court. Their endless stalling, their proposals with outrageous demands that no sane person could agree to, put the lie to this. A little late, but I now see them for the liars they are.

And to think I held off sending my proposal in December, because I didn't want to wreck his Christmas.

I have supported our son 100% for the last 6 months and maybe 75% for the 6 months before that, all out of my personal bank accounts. Also I'm paying about 2x what he's paying to our daughter's college.

So yes, I absolutely see this as him stealing from me. In the the sense that he knew I'd cave and feed and clothe our son, so he just sat back and waited for me to do 100% of it.

This is the part you're not seeming to get. The court will aggregate all of the accounts (except to the extent you have separate property which I suspect will be very little given the length of the marriage) and divide them in some manner. So the money you paid out for your son is no longer part of those joint accounts so you will each get a smaller share. The same with the money each of you paid out for your daughter's college. Maybe you should consider a lawyer that costs a little more because the one you have doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.

The issue that each of you has to worry about at this point is whether the other is spending down/hiding the joint funds.

OP here. We don't have ANY joint bank accounts. The only joint item is the mortgage. I do have brokerage and money market accounts, but these are in my name only. I thought I made this clear above, but I've been using my own, personal not joint, money to fund my kid's food et cetera. That's the problem.

And don't bother telling me that I'm still an idiot because I should have skimped on the food, college application fees, and so on because I won't be listening....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, we don't have a separation agreement yet. Because I trusted him and his lawyer when they said they wanted to do this amicably and avoid court. Their endless stalling, their proposals with outrageous demands that no sane person could agree to, put the lie to this. A little late, but I now see them for the liars they are.

And to think I held off sending my proposal in December, because I didn't want to wreck his Christmas.

I have supported our son 100% for the last 6 months and maybe 75% for the 6 months before that, all out of my personal bank accounts. Also I'm paying about 2x what he's paying to our daughter's college.

So yes, I absolutely see this as him stealing from me. In the the sense that he knew I'd cave and feed and clothe our son, so he just sat back and waited for me to do 100% of it.

This is the part you're not seeming to get. The court will aggregate all of the accounts (except to the extent you have separate property which I suspect will be very little given the length of the marriage) and divide them in some manner. So the money you paid out for your son is no longer part of those joint accounts so you will each get a smaller share. The same with the money each of you paid out for your daughter's college. Maybe you should consider a lawyer that costs a little more because the one you have doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.

The issue that each of you has to worry about at this point is whether the other is spending down/hiding the joint funds.

OP here. We don't have ANY joint bank accounts. The only joint item is the mortgage. I do have brokerage and money market accounts, but these are in my name only. I thought I made this clear above, but I've been using my own, personal not joint, money to fund my kid's food et cetera. That's the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, we don't have a separation agreement yet. Because I trusted him and his lawyer when they said they wanted to do this amicably and avoid court. Their endless stalling, their proposals with outrageous demands that no sane person could agree to, put the lie to this. A little late, but I now see them for the liars they are.

And to think I held off sending my proposal in December, because I didn't want to wreck his Christmas.

I have supported our son 100% for the last 6 months and maybe 75% for the 6 months before that, all out of my personal bank accounts. Also I'm paying about 2x what he's paying to our daughter's college.

So yes, I absolutely see this as him stealing from me. In the the sense that he knew I'd cave and feed and clothe our son, so he just sat back and waited for me to do 100% of it.

This is the part you're not seeming to get. The court will aggregate all of the accounts (except to the extent you have separate property which I suspect will be very little given the length of the marriage) and divide them in some manner. So the money you paid out for your son is no longer part of those joint accounts so you will each get a smaller share. The same with the money each of you paid out for your daughter's college. Maybe you should consider a lawyer that costs a little more because the one you have doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.

The issue that each of you has to worry about at this point is whether the other is spending down/hiding the joint funds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the perspective, everybody. My divorced friends didn't have kids or it wasn't this messy.

You're right: the pension is the big issue here, and I need to split the present value or nothing. The child support and mortgage rankle because he's effectively stolen tens of thousands of dollars from me, and I've only shown you the tip of the iceberg about what he's doing both in the negotiations and outside. But I'd definitely take splitting the current value of pensions if I can be rid of him forever.

To the PP who asked about college, we already have one kid in (an expensive) college and DS is headed there next year. Yes, XH's counter proposal did have a college plan. That's that my mother contribute $50k a year to the kids' colleges. You read that correctly, my mother. In a formal proposal via his lawyer who I can only guess has no ethics or pride. Needless to say I rejected that one and I'm trying to get a commitment in writing that he'll contribute his own money..

OP, he didn't steal that money from you. Child support is for your kids, not for you. In less you live in a state that allows for child support after age 18 or college, you are not going to get any help from the court regarding college costs. You also are only going to get child support retroactive from the date of filing. A judge most likely is not going to give it to you (but could) for the six months if there was no pending hearing. Stop threatening and file for child support.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, we don't have a separation agreement yet. Because I trusted him and his lawyer when they said they wanted to do this amicably and avoid court. Their endless stalling, their proposals with outrageous demands that no sane person could agree to, put the lie to this. A little late, but I now see them for the liars they are.

And to think I held off sending my proposal in December, because I didn't want to wreck his Christmas.

I have supported our son 100% for the last 6 months and maybe 75% for the 6 months before that, all out of my personal bank accounts. Also I'm paying about 2x what he's paying to our daughter's college.

So yes, I absolutely see this as him stealing from me. In the the sense that he knew I'd cave and feed and clothe our son, so he just sat back and waited for me to do 100% of it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, we don't have a separation agreement yet. Because I trusted him and his lawyer when they said they wanted to do this amicably and avoid court. Their endless stalling, their proposals with outrageous demands that no sane person could agree to, put the lie to this. A little late, but I now see them for the liars they are.

And to think I held off sending my proposal in December, because I didn't want to wreck his Christmas.

I have supported our son 100% for the last 6 months and maybe 75% for the 6 months before that, all out of my personal bank accounts. Also I'm paying about 2x what he's paying to our daughter's college.

So yes, I absolutely see this as him stealing from me. In the the sense that he knew I'd cave and feed and clothe our son, so he just sat back and waited for me to do 100% of it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be fair, his lawyer probably thinks these outrageous proposals (my mom contributes $50k per year to the kids' colleges instead of him, I finance his early retirement) are a clever and totally non-transparent way to stall so that the months roll by and he has to pay less and less child support. Although I'd sorta like to see them explaining these asks to a judge....

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the perspective, everybody. My divorced friends didn't have kids or it wasn't this messy.

You're right: the pension is the big issue here, and I need to split the present value or nothing. The child support and mortgage rankle because he's effectively stolen tens of thousands of dollars from me, and I've only shown you the tip of the iceberg about what he's doing both in the negotiations and outside. But I'd definitely take splitting the current value of pensions if I can be rid of him forever.

To the PP who asked about college, we already have one kid in (an expensive) college and DS is headed there next year. Yes, XH's counter proposal did have a college plan. That's that my mother contribute $50k a year to the kids' colleges. You read that correctly, my mother. In a formal proposal via his lawyer who I can only guess has no ethics or pride. Needless to say I rejected that one and I'm trying to get a commitment in writing that he'll contribute his own money..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your pension qualifies under a ERISA plan then the court will likely order a QDRO. It's a order to take his portion of the pension in one lump sum. Since he also has a pension I doubt you would have to pay him much. I don't know what his lawyer told him, but I think he's dreaming. His plan won't happen, and yes he is still accountable for his portion of the marital home and child support. fyi Child support doesn't end at 18, it ends after high school. If you guys lived in DC he could be forced to pay a portion of your child's college expenses. Not so in MD.

Have you called you lawyer about this? This guy sounds like a real creep who apparently doesn't think much of his own child. Does your daughter know daddy dearest hasn't paid anything in 6 mo?

Yeap! this is a suggestion to use the child as a pawn. Put them in the middle... alienate the father. This is so incredibly wrong to suggest to the OP. All the mothers out here to shout welfare of the child and then go on to inflict emotional cruelty on them should be ashamed.