Anonymous wrote:OP here - DH doesn't seem depressed to me but we haven't talked about it. It seems like he's really gotten used to an easy life and doing less and less as time goes by. For those who are saying I expect a maid - I don't. In fact we have a cleaning service, so all I really need him to do is the grocery shopping weekly, throw in SOME laundry and I can take care of the rest, and cook dinner a few nights a week and figure out a plan for take out the rest of the week. I really don't think this is a lot of work in exchange for a very comfortable life.

He does have a college degree - in hotel mgmt. We're high school sweethearts who were together for many many yrs before marriage and kids. To get ahead in hotel mgmt to where you're the GM of a large hotel, you basically have to spend a few yrs learning all the roles in the hotel. He started off doing that after college and was fine at it but had no real interest in busting his @ss for it. So when we got to a point where I didn't want to step back in my career, he wanted to do it in order to create a family life for us. I'm grateful for all he has done - he knows that - but when one person now has 30 hrs of downtime a week and the other has none and is still doing the grocery shopping, it causes resentment.

Anonymous wrote:DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?

Anonymous wrote:DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?

Anonymous wrote:OP here - DH doesn't seem depressed to me but we haven't talked about it. It seems like he's really gotten used to an easy life and doing less and less as time goes by. For those who are saying I expect a maid - I don't. In fact we have a cleaning service, so all I really need him to do is the grocery shopping weekly, throw in SOME laundry and I can take care of the rest, and cook dinner a few nights a week and figure out a plan for take out the rest of the week. I really don't think this is a lot of work in exchange for a very comfortable life.

He does have a college degree - in hotel mgmt. We're high school sweethearts who were together for many many yrs before marriage and kids. To get ahead in hotel mgmt to where you're the GM of a large hotel, you basically have to spend a few yrs learning all the roles in the hotel. He started off doing that after college and was fine at it but had no real interest in busting his @ss for it. So when we got to a point where I didn't want to step back in my career, he wanted to do it in order to create a family life for us. I'm grateful for all he has done - he knows that - but when one person now has 30 hrs of downtime a week and the other has none and is still doing the grocery shopping, it causes resentment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP but yes, I think people would say that to a man who works 12+ hours a day and doesn't see his family much at all. I absolutely would.

OP, if he didn't even leave a bit of dinner for you I am certain there is strong resentment on his part. You are telling your side of the story but he has one, too. My guess is you haven't appreciated all the intensely difficult work of those early years of parenting. And your youngest is 4? Those days weren't long ago. I'm sure he is totally exhausted and feels unappreciated.

I agree he should do more now that the kids are in school but maybe he gets a few months of your graciousness while he tries to replenish. Then, maybe you can calmly discuss a new role with him.

"A few months to replenish"? He's been staying home for EIGHT YEARS. He should have been doing this stuff the whole time, but now he should get time to replenish, during which time OP will continue to do these things?

I work 50 hours a week. My husband works 60 hours a week. I do the grocery shopping. He does the laundry. If one of us is having a particularly long day or week, the other one picks up the slack. Neither one of us would ever pull the dinner crap that the OP's husband pulled. If DH and the kids ate all the dinner before I got home for whatever reason, he would make something for me (even if it was just a grilled cheese sandwich) as soon as I got home.

I am the pp who said that you should just hire a housekeeper. I have been in your position and the OP's position, and working 50-60 hours a week is not the same as working 80+ and really going full throttle in your career. It is a different family dynamic. And no, it hasn't been eight years since they had little kids. And in fact, I would argue that a four year old and a seven year old still require a lot of hands on attention.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP but yes, I think people would say that to a man who works 12+ hours a day and doesn't see his family much at all. I absolutely would.

OP, if he didn't even leave a bit of dinner for you I am certain there is strong resentment on his part. You are telling your side of the story but he has one, too. My guess is you haven't appreciated all the intensely difficult work of those early years of parenting. And your youngest is 4? Those days weren't long ago. I'm sure he is totally exhausted and feels unappreciated.

I agree he should do more now that the kids are in school but maybe he gets a few months of your graciousness while he tries to replenish. Then, maybe you can calmly discuss a new role with him.

"A few months to replenish"? He's been staying home for EIGHT YEARS. He should have been doing this stuff the whole time, but now he should get time to replenish, during which time OP will continue to do these things?

I work 50 hours a week. My husband works 60 hours a week. I do the grocery shopping. He does the laundry. If one of us is having a particularly long day or week, the other one picks up the slack. Neither one of us would ever pull the dinner crap that the OP's husband pulled. If DH and the kids ate all the dinner before I got home for whatever reason, he would make something for me (even if it was just a grilled cheese sandwich) as soon as I got home.

Anonymous wrote:NP but yes, I think people would say that to a man who works 12+ hours a day and doesn't see his family much at all. I absolutely would.

OP, if he didn't even leave a bit of dinner for you I am certain there is strong resentment on his part. You are telling your side of the story but he has one, too. My guess is you haven't appreciated all the intensely difficult work of those early years of parenting. And your youngest is 4? Those days weren't long ago. I'm sure he is totally exhausted and feels unappreciated.

I agree he should do more now that the kids are in school but maybe he gets a few months of your graciousness while he tries to replenish. Then, maybe you can calmly discuss a new role with him.

Anonymous wrote:Listen. You married your husband and agreed for him to stay home so you can work and advance your career. He gave up his to support you in yours. He isn't your maid! He is your husband. Just because you earn the money you shouldn't undervalue the contribution he has made to allow you to have your career and get all the time during the day that you spend at the office away from the kids. You get adult time all day long. You are getting home at 9 at night. Why are you avoiding your children? Why aren't you getting home and helping him with the household work? He needs a break from the kids but it sounds like you even missed their bed time. He is holding all the family responsibilities while you are off doing what you want to for yourself all day long.

Anonymous wrote:DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?

Anonymous wrote:DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?