Anonymous
02/23/2016 19:09
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have ZERO tolerance for that.
This might sound racist, but it seems to be a white thing. My AA family rarely pulls that one.
But my inlaws are white and it drives me NUTS. I completely ignore the ones who do it...forever.
If you don't have the balls to confront a thing head on, then get out of my life.
Well, my mom is Asian so it is not just a white thing.
Ditto this-- my Asian MIL is the same.
Anonymous
02/23/2016 08:27
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
OP my mother does this. She has done it since I was a child. She never punished me for anything (no time out, no spanking, no taking away items) she would just stop talking to me. It's a complete mind fuck and I hate it. Picture being a 13 year old and your mom stops talking to you for for weeks on end. As an adult I've realized that it's all about control and I also see that she does this to other people in her life...Nothing to do but be sure that I don't repeat the same crap.
Anonymous
02/23/2016 08:19
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way for us to step outside ourselves and see things as objectively as a random stranger does . . .
OP, your mother hasn't spoken to you in 6 months because you said you don't like Bethany Frankel. During that time she has come into your home and treated you like a piece of furniture, giving you as much attention as the curtains. You allowed this. Apparently, this sort of behavior was also inflicted upon you as a child. Your own father has never stood up for you. Your children are observing this behavior and your acceptance of it.
This is so screwed up its almost unbelievable. Your mother is abusive and your father lets her abuse you and expects you to apologize for it. You say your sons are close to their grandfather, but this is what they see him doing, even they can't articulate it. Aiding and abetting an abuser. Would you put up with this from someone who wasn't your parent?
End this cycle right now. I'd write them a letter or email laying everything out, offering one more chance, telling them that if this crap ever happens again you will cut them out of your lives. And stick to it. You are person who is worthy of being treated with basic kindness and respect. Your parents (both of them) have let you spend a lifetime thinking otherwise, but they're wrong. They are wrong. You matter.
And definitely go back to therapy.
So well said. It was a harsh lesson when my husband learned that his father aided and abetted. We fought more about this than anything else. It completely tarnishes my memories of FIL, who died not knowing how much damage he caused.
Anonymous
02/23/2016 08:08
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way for us to step outside ourselves and see things as objectively as a random stranger does . . .
OP, your mother hasn't spoken to you in 6 months because you said you don't like Bethany Frankel. During that time she has come into your home and treated you like a piece of furniture, giving you as much attention as the curtains. You allowed this. Apparently, this sort of behavior was also inflicted upon you as a child. Your own father has never stood up for you. Your children are observing this behavior and your acceptance of it.
This is so screwed up its almost unbelievable. Your mother is abusive and your father lets her abuse you and expects you to apologize for it. You say your sons are close to their grandfather, but this is what they see him doing, even they can't articulate it. Aiding and abetting an abuser. Would you put up with this from someone who wasn't your parent?
End this cycle right now. I'd write them a letter or email laying everything out, offering one more chance, telling them that if this crap ever happens again you will cut them out of your lives. And stick to it. You are person who is worthy of being treated with basic kindness and respect. Your parents (both of them) have let you spend a lifetime thinking otherwise, but they're wrong. They are wrong. You matter.
And definitely go back to therapy.
+100000
Anonymous
02/23/2016 08:05
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is, ironically enough, considered a form of verbal abusive. There is a great book that opened my eyes on the seriousness of it...in pretty sure it's called The Verbally Abusive Relationship.
It's awful and toxic and not your fault.
It's also unlikely that she will change. The best thing you can do is draw very strong boundaries with her and your dad, her enabler in abuse. Yes, he's been abused too, but just as in the case of physically abused spouses, abuse doesn't absolve you from your obligation, as an adult, to protect your children.
You are all adults now, so your responsibility is to yourself and your children, not her. I'm sure you were a fine daughter and you spent your childhood desperately seeking the key to th mystery of what would keep your mom happy. (I did the same with a rageful mom, who yelled and threw things rather than the silent treatment. I think the hostility in either form of abuse is just as toxic to a kid.
My ou are free from that now if you let yourself be. You know now that the secret to keeping your mom happy is that you can't. She's a deeply unhappy, flawed person who seeks to blame others and hurts them. You are free from trying to make her happy. Know it. Keep your distance. Protect yourself and your kids and find happiness elsewhere...in yourself.
Good luck.
It's awful and toxic and not your fault.
It's also unlikely that she will change. The best thing you can do is draw very strong boundaries with her and your dad, her enabler in abuse. Yes, he's been abused too, but just as in the case of physically abused spouses, abuse doesn't absolve you from your obligation, as an adult, to protect your children.
You are all adults now, so your responsibility is to yourself and your children, not her. I'm sure you were a fine daughter and you spent your childhood desperately seeking the key to th mystery of what would keep your mom happy. (I did the same with a rageful mom, who yelled and threw things rather than the silent treatment. I think the hostility in either form of abuse is just as toxic to a kid.
My ou are free from that now if you let yourself be. You know now that the secret to keeping your mom happy is that you can't. She's a deeply unhappy, flawed person who seeks to blame others and hurts them. You are free from trying to make her happy. Know it. Keep your distance. Protect yourself and your kids and find happiness elsewhere...in yourself.
Good luck.
Anonymous
02/23/2016 06:39
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
My mil does this. My husband and bil thought it was normal, since they grew up with this. I thought otherwise, as did SIL. We took the silence, but didn't let our men fuel the behavior anymore.
My mil ended up a very lonely woman before backing off this behavior.
My mil ended up a very lonely woman before backing off this behavior.
Anonymous
02/23/2016 00:29
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausted and exhausting. Maybe your life and your mother's life are too intertwined. You are too old to be concerned that your mother won't talk to you. Live your life and let her live hers. Just don't put so much thought into what she is doing or expecting. If she ever comes around then set limits. Tell her she can only call on Sunday or something similar. Why are you in a condo with your parents? Why are you watching tv? Make contact rare and
meaningful and you both will have a better time.
We were on vacation at the beach and have vacationed with them for many years (sometimes the ILs and my grandfather have joined us, too), hence the condo. I wasn't watching TV, my mother was in the condo's common area. I happened to come in from being out and saw what she was watching.
OP I have had similar ups and downs and I would never cram into a condo for 2 weeks with my mom (or my ILs for that matter). With my mom, it's only a matter of time before she hurts my feelings and stomps my hard-earned self-confidence. So I have to be careful and limit contact. When she says something harsh, I get off the phone immediately. I don't hang up on her, but I calmly end the conversation by saying I must go for whatever reason. It's retrained her a little bit, and given me a little bit of power.
Anonymous
02/23/2016 00:23
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have ZERO tolerance for that.
This might sound racist, but it seems to be a white thing. My AA family rarely pulls that one.
But my inlaws are white and it drives me NUTS. I completely ignore the ones who do it...forever.
If you don't have the balls to confront a thing head on, then get out of my life.
Well, my mom is Asian so it is not just a white thing.
It's my Asian women in-laws who are MASTERS of this shunning/silent treatment drama.
Anonymous
02/22/2016 21:59
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
OP, what would you do if your mother did this to one of your kids (and it seems likely that she will at some.point)? I assume you'd stand up for your child. Do the same for yourself.
Anonymous
02/22/2016 21:50
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way for us to step outside ourselves and see things as objectively as a random stranger does . . .
OP, your mother hasn't spoken to you in 6 months because you said you don't like Bethany Frankel. During that time she has come into your home and treated you like a piece of furniture, giving you as much attention as the curtains. You allowed this. Apparently, this sort of behavior was also inflicted upon you as a child. Your own father has never stood up for you. Your children are observing this behavior and your acceptance of it.
This is so screwed up its almost unbelievable. Your mother is abusive and your father lets her abuse you and expects you to apologize for it. You say your sons are close to their grandfather, but this is what they see him doing, even they can't articulate it. Aiding and abetting an abuser. Would you put up with this from someone who wasn't your parent?
End this cycle right now. I'd write them a letter or email laying everything out, offering one more chance, telling them that if this crap ever happens again you will cut them out of your lives. And stick to it. You are person who is worthy of being treated with basic kindness and respect. Your parents (both of them) have let you spend a lifetime thinking otherwise, but they're wrong. They are wrong. You matter.
And definitely go back to therapy.
OP, print this out and make enough copies to tape to every mirror in your house.
You deserve better!
And recognizing your parents dysfunction does not make you disloyal or demonizes them, it is just calling a spade a spade.
Anonymous
02/22/2016 21:33
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
I wish there was a way for us to step outside ourselves and see things as objectively as a random stranger does . . .
OP, your mother hasn't spoken to you in 6 months because you said you don't like Bethany Frankel. During that time she has come into your home and treated you like a piece of furniture, giving you as much attention as the curtains. You allowed this. Apparently, this sort of behavior was also inflicted upon you as a child. Your own father has never stood up for you. Your children are observing this behavior and your acceptance of it.
This is so screwed up its almost unbelievable. Your mother is abusive and your father lets her abuse you and expects you to apologize for it. You say your sons are close to their grandfather, but this is what they see him doing, even they can't articulate it. Aiding and abetting an abuser. Would you put up with this from someone who wasn't your parent?
End this cycle right now. I'd write them a letter or email laying everything out, offering one more chance, telling them that if this crap ever happens again you will cut them out of your lives. And stick to it. You are person who is worthy of being treated with basic kindness and respect. Your parents (both of them) have let you spend a lifetime thinking otherwise, but they're wrong. They are wrong. You matter.
And definitely go back to therapy.
OP, your mother hasn't spoken to you in 6 months because you said you don't like Bethany Frankel. During that time she has come into your home and treated you like a piece of furniture, giving you as much attention as the curtains. You allowed this. Apparently, this sort of behavior was also inflicted upon you as a child. Your own father has never stood up for you. Your children are observing this behavior and your acceptance of it.
This is so screwed up its almost unbelievable. Your mother is abusive and your father lets her abuse you and expects you to apologize for it. You say your sons are close to their grandfather, but this is what they see him doing, even they can't articulate it. Aiding and abetting an abuser. Would you put up with this from someone who wasn't your parent?
End this cycle right now. I'd write them a letter or email laying everything out, offering one more chance, telling them that if this crap ever happens again you will cut them out of your lives. And stick to it. You are person who is worthy of being treated with basic kindness and respect. Your parents (both of them) have let you spend a lifetime thinking otherwise, but they're wrong. They are wrong. You matter.
And definitely go back to therapy.
Anonymous
02/22/2016 20:55
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Anonymous wrote:This is emotional abuse. Therapy, stat.
My mother has done to me my entire life as well. I'm finally in therapy and wish I had started years ago.
Sorry you are dealing with this. It is incredibly painful.
Anonymous
02/22/2016 20:35
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Your mom is not doing a "good thing" by coming to your 12 yr olds birthday party and not speaking to you IN YOUR OWN HOME!! It's very obvious that she is calling all the shots. You must set some boundaries. If you need a therapist to help you-- get one. Don't allow your children to see this behavior. They should never get the idea that her behavior is okay.
Anonymous
02/22/2016 17:28
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have ZERO tolerance for that.
This might sound racist, but it seems to be a white thing. My AA family rarely pulls that one.
But my inlaws are white and it drives me NUTS. I completely ignore the ones who do it...forever.
If you don't have the balls to confront a thing head on, then get out of my life.
Well, my mom is Asian so it is not just a white thing.
OP here-not to mention that I never said what race I am...
Anonymous
02/22/2016 17:26
Subject: Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment
Anonymous wrote:I have ZERO tolerance for that.
This might sound racist, but it seems to be a white thing. My AA family rarely pulls that one.
But my inlaws are white and it drives me NUTS. I completely ignore the ones who do it...forever.
If you don't have the balls to confront a thing head on, then get out of my life.
Well, my mom is Asian so it is not just a white thing.