Lost my dad when I was 33 (he was 72); lost mom when I was 45 (82)

Anonymous wrote:My dad died when I was 11. My mom when I was 21.

I'm known for my worst case scenario thinking and need to have a plan a, plan b and plan c for pretty much everything in life.

I'm a realist, have a way too thick wall that I keep up and I keep most friends close but not too close.

I married relatively young (24) and had kids right away.

This is very similar as to my spouse's life. He is a planner but also a worrier, but still lives each day to its fullest. His parents both passed from cancer. He is very health conscious and stays active. He felt very strongly about having kids in our early-mid 30s and is a very loving, involved parent. (His sister did the same.)

I was 24 when my father died at age 64. He had lived in a nursing home since I was 11, though, as he suffered from a debilitating and chronic illness.

My mother is 72 and still living independently.

I'm 47. When I was younger I worried a great deal about getting the sort of chronic, life-shortening, quality-of-life-destroying illness that my father had. As I've gotten older, I've seen a few peers die (accidents, unknown heart problems, cancer) and also had many friends' parents die or get sick. It all drives home the idea that, while you have to plan for a future, you need to live in the present. Your life isn't something that you are preparing for; this is it, now.

I got married and had kids late -- married at 39, kids at 41 and 44 --- and it saddens me to think that I probably won't be around long into their adult lives, assuming I make it that far.

Anonymous wrote:I'm 37. Both parents are still alive. One set of grandparents is still alive. My other grandmother died when I was 28 at age 96. My grandfather died before I was born. I have a 3 year old who gets to spend time with his grandparents and great grandparents but will never have time with his dad. He died when my son was two months old. It has affected me pretty badly. My anxiety is through the roof on a good day. I fear dying and leaving my child an orphan. I fear losing my only child. I'm saddened when he asks about his father...it's heartbreaking. I feel blessed to have him tho and I'm blessed to still have my parents and grandparents.

((((Hugs))))

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am 52 and have both parents. My grandmother lived until 104 so I expect longevity, at least on my mother's side.

DH lost both parents in his 20s/30s. It's hard for me to imagine.


Don't... my mothers mother lived well into her late 90s. In fact, her mother was doing the NY Times crossword puzzle everyday up until 2 days before she died. I thought it meant the same for my mother. She was diagnosed with incurable stage iv cancer a few months ago and her doctor said it will be less than a year. She's 73.

This was my first thought on reading this too. I'm the OP, whose mom died at 58. Her own mother lived well into her 90s as well and was healthy as an ox until the very end.

Longevity PP here. My mom is now 84 but I appreciate the sobering thoughts. I will value my time with my parents.

I'm 37. Both parents are still alive. One set of grandparents is still alive. My other grandmother died when I was 28 at age 96. My grandfather died before I was born. I have a 3 year old who gets to spend time with his grandparents and great grandparents but will never have time with his dad. He died when my son was two months old. It has affected me pretty badly. My anxiety is through the roof on a good day. I fear dying and leaving my child an orphan. I fear losing my only child. I'm saddened when he asks about his father...it's heartbreaking. I feel blessed to have him tho and I'm blessed to still have my parents and grandparents.

I was 39 when my mom died at 81.
My dad is still alive (he's 80) and his mother lived to 98. Funny, his dad died of a heart attack at 62 (the same age as my dad when he had a heart attack.)

I lost my mom when I was 23, she was 53. She died after a 4-year battle with cancer (diagnosed when I was in college). She never met my husband or son. It was hard losing my only parent (haven't seen my father since I was 4). The realization that I lost the one person in the world who loved me unconditionally was really tough. I feel like there is a lot about her that I will never know. At the same time, I feel so fortunate to have had her in my life as long as I did, even during our rough patch when I was in high school.

Knowing I'd never have a safety net, I worked really hard in school and was careful with my money. I have more financial freedom now, and it makes me sad that I can't share it with her. She had colon cancer, which in hindsight I suspect was brought on by her poor diet and eating issues, so I also make it a point to eat healthy and exercise. However, with each passing year, I am more and more aware that I am approaching the age she was when she was diagnosed and later died.

Having my own child ended up filling part of the void that has existed ever since my mom died. I didn't expect that to ever happen.

Fourteen years after her death, and I still bawl like a baby whenever I hear the songs we chose for her funeral. Going to church always reminds me of her and it's not easy for me, which is why I don't go often.

I am also much more aware of my mortality than most other people I know who haven't lost a parent. I write letters to my son every so often, so that he will know things about our family and his life if there ever comes a point when he is curious and I am not around to answer questions. I try to be grateful for my life and my family, even if things aren't perfect.

I'm the OP and had a similar experience (mom died shortly after I graduated college after a 4 year battle with recurrent cancer, though she was first diagnosed a decade before that). I can only imagine how hard it would have been to go through something like that without another parent or other family in the picture. I also from time to time write letters to my children for the same reason. If they ever lose me, I want them to know both how much I loved them, and the little details of our family history that would be lost if I wasn't around. I also find myself sharing family stories with them often - both about my mom who they will never know, and stories from their own past, as I really treasure the memories I have of my own early childhood and find myself often wishing my mom was around to fill in more.

I lost my mom when I was 23, she was 53. She died after a 4-year battle with cancer (diagnosed when I was in college). She never met my husband or son. It was hard losing my only parent (haven't seen my father since I was 4). The realization that I lost the one person in the world who loved me unconditionally was really tough. I feel like there is a lot about her that I will never know. At the same time, I feel so fortunate to have had her in my life as long as I did, even during our rough patch when I was in high school.

Knowing I'd never have a safety net, I worked really hard in school and was careful with my money. I have more financial freedom now, and it makes me sad that I can't share it with her. She had colon cancer, which in hindsight I suspect was brought on by her poor diet and eating issues, so I also make it a point to eat healthy and exercise. However, with each passing year, I am more and more aware that I am approaching the age she was when she was diagnosed and later died.

Having my own child ended up filling part of the void that has existed ever since my mom died. I didn't expect that to ever happen.

Fourteen years after her death, and I still bawl like a baby whenever I hear the songs we chose for her funeral. Going to church always reminds me of her and it's not easy for me, which is why I don't go often.

I am also much more aware of my mortality than most other people I know who haven't lost a parent. I write letters to my son every so often, so that he will know things about our family and his life if there ever comes a point when he is curious and I am not around to answer questions. I try to be grateful for my life and my family, even if things aren't perfect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am 52 and have both parents. My grandmother lived until 104 so I expect longevity, at least on my mother's side.

DH lost both parents in his 20s/30s. It's hard for me to imagine.


Don't... my mothers mother lived well into her late 90s. In fact, her mother was doing the NY Times crossword puzzle everyday up until 2 days before she died. I thought it meant the same for my mother. She was diagnosed with incurable stage iv cancer a few months ago and her doctor said it will be less than a year. She's 73.

This was my first thought on reading this too. I'm the OP, whose mom died at 58. Her own mother lived well into her 90s as well and was healthy as an ox until the very end.

It is a crap shoot not matter what. My mother's parents died at 39 and 49 and she died at 84. My fathe's parents died at 99 and 87 and he is about to die at 84. Besides having good genes, you have to have good luck.

Anonymous wrote:
My parents died when I was still an adolescent in her 40s. They lived to see me married (and divorced) and a mother, but died before I truly grew up. In some ways this simply wouldn't have been possible with them still around. It grieves me, and to say it's been tough would be an understatement. So much of my "adulthood" (those years) was wrapped around their care. I remained a dutiful daughter right up until the moment I became the matriarch. It was a huge adjustment. Being an older mom, I always had a sense about getting my children independent way before I was. I was already committed to the idea of them truly living their own lives in college and beyond. But, now, with the losses and how much my life was turned upside down by them, I am completely dedicated to this idea of independence. I want my children to have me around when taking risks and launching out on their own. I will happily watch from the sidelines. I will not tie them to me the way my parents did.

Whoa. How's that for a smack on honesty in the middle of the day?! We never had any extended family. Being as alone as I am now (with two young babies) has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm sorry for your losses, PP.

But you can just encourage your kids to move away, which is what I think most of us do who have overinvolved parents who like to create dependent relationships. I really came into my own when I moved away for grad school and stayed away, unlike my siblings.

Glad to hear you are coping and feeling strong. Wish you luck with your babies!

Anonymous wrote:
I am 52 and have both parents. My grandmother lived until 104 so I expect longevity, at least on my mother's side.

DH lost both parents in his 20s/30s. It's hard for me to imagine.


Don't... my mothers mother lived well into her late 90s. In fact, her mother was doing the NY Times crossword puzzle everyday up until 2 days before she died. I thought it meant the same for my mother. She was diagnosed with incurable stage iv cancer a few months ago and her doctor said it will be less than a year. She's 73.

This was my first thought on reading this too. I'm the OP, whose mom died at 58. Her own mother lived well into her 90s as well and was healthy as an ox until the very end.