Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 22:15     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

now that whole world is gone, like it never happened. We are never going to open Christmas presents again, take a vacation, plan our kid's wedding together...

Friends and family tell me I will get over it, move on, but you cannot carve away knowing someone 17 years of your life as if it never happened. What do you do?


I share your melancholy, it's deep. I could not live with my ex any longer because though we had a good time when we weren't at odds, the fights were unbearable and six years of counseling solved absolutely nothing. Now, 14 months after he moved out, I am pining for the life we had with the kids, and feel utterly bereft. He was my best friend and confidant when times were good, and I will never find that again. I rely on antidepressants to get past this, but it doesn't seem to go away. If only we could talk to each other about what's going on in our jobs, who he's dating, etc.. I'm not jealous at all and would not go back to the bitterness, but I just miss him.


Can you get back together & try again?!
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 17:08     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well sure. It's hard to fail at something so major in life.


Most therapists will try to tell you that a divorce is not a failure.


Of course it is. You broke vows. How is it not a failure?
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 14:46     Subject: Re:Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
I'm divorced and sad about it, mostly for my son, who doesn't have an intact family. But we talk about it with him and he's happy not to be around fighting parents anymore (though he certainly has his sad moments too.)

But, to switch gears a bit, it seems like part of the reason OP may be sad is that she has a very reactive perspective. There's a lot in her post about what DH wanted and her remembrances / reaction to him. This is natural to an extent, but may be hindering her ability to get past him. Yes, bug differences can get worse, and it can be difficult to predict that. But something I learned in my divorce is that everyone needs to be their own agent of happiness. OP: what did you want out of the marriage? What needs weren't being met? We're they really needs, or just wants? We're the differencs actually important or symptoms of an inability to work through differences? Until you can really answer these questions, you'll have a lot of regret. And even when you can, you'll have some. I offer this perspective out of compassion and the hope it helps you in your journey.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 14:32     Subject: Re:Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
I married young and quickly and was divorced in my late 20s (no kids). It took a long time for that lingering sadness over the divorce to fade away. I don't have any tips for you with regard to how to make it feel better...it just takes time. In my experience, it takes a lot more time than you'd expect.

My heart aches for you, OP. But I can assure you that eventually, it really does get better. You do eventually find a new "normal" and life starts to look good again.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 13:27     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:God no, still glad about it. My ex was a dick and still is a dick, and every time he blows up or blames me for something crazy, I am so glad that I don't have to live in the same house with him, don't have to make shared financial decisions with him, don't have to sleep with him, and don't have to be married to him.


So why are you giving him access to you to blow up?
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 13:21     Subject: Re:Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not married, but getting married in a year. How do you not know that you two are so different before marriage?


It's not that you don't know. You know. You just can't realize how those differences can create rifts as you get older and have been together longer. Kids also throw a huge wrench into things because everyone approaches that differently and it can really cause conflict in a marriage. You would do best to read and take to heart what you read here and not pretend you've got it all figured out when you aren't married yet. You will be amazed how different your relationship will be even 5 years into marriage once so many other factors come into play.


This.


This is such a profound observation.


+1000

First, I don't regret my divorce at all, I'm still glad. I was young and foolish and had no appreciation for the way certain things would chafe..indeed, I very very stupidly thought these were things that could change (yes, I was a naive young idiot)...well, they did change...slightly for the worse. The insecurities that led to controlling jealous behavior and deeply crippled sexuality only got worse and worse...in a kind of feedback loop.

I too call BS on the 50% statistic...that may be true only if you consider that in every divorce, one spouse doesn't want the divorce and therefore regrets it. I think the 20% reconciliation is completely made up. That PP hasn't come back to offer a citation for where they got that statistic, only to make gloom-and-doom predictions about life as a divorced person and the afterlife.

My 2nd marriage is fantastic by comparison - mostly because I'm older, more mature, have some experience and went in with completely realistic expectations of my partner. It is better in every single way.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 11:56     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
God no, still glad about it. My ex was a dick and still is a dick, and every time he blows up or blames me for something crazy, I am so glad that I don't have to live in the same house with him, don't have to make shared financial decisions with him, don't have to sleep with him, and don't have to be married to him.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 11:09     Subject: Re:Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:50% of divorce people regret divorcing.
20% of those reconcile.

So, you feelings are normal. Breaking a bond with another person is not easy and it should not be.

Your spouse has seemed to move on though, it would be good for you to move forward also.

Imagine finding a loving partner that helps you plan your children's weddings. Imagine vacations with your children and your grandchildren.

It can be a great life, just not the one you envisioned so replace your vision with a new one.


Where did you get that crazy statistic? Free at last, Free at last! Many are thrilled to be done with their ex!



This is true until the other problems start. The crazies you meet while dating, the toll on finances because you lost half of the retirement, home, child support. We've known a few men who got divorced and got the new gf or date pregnant. Or one we know who died at 43 because of HPV throat cancer. There's something said for monogamy and your health. Some people are very wise after a divorce and do well, others not so good.

Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 11:02     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:I can understand someone married to an abuser, addict, dead bedroom, or total ass who is glad to get divorced and move on, but I fit none of these. We started growing apart and realized that we see the world differently, communicate differently, have different parenting skills, and want different things out of life. He is more career oriented, likes traveling a lot more, and would probably be perfectly happy living in an apartment and never having to deal with a house.

We met late 20s at a friend's event and I felt when we started talking that we already knew each other, if that makes any sense. He can make someone feel special in a genuine way. I cannot say that we had every last interest in common but had fun and were supportive.

Almost 15 years into marriage, it started unraveling with little issues seeming to take a life of their own. Yes, we tried counseling but didn't feel that it provided useful input. After one argument almost two years ago he said that if we couldn't agree on anything we might as well split up and then hired a divorce lawyer. This is a situation I never expected myself to be in and through the process we have tried to be civil. But it has been like a nightmare. When we had to appear in court it was like I didn't even know him. He avoided even looking my way.

My sense right now is more grief than anything else. Maybe I still love him? Might seem strange for a grown woman, but I fondly remember our first kiss, movie, when we met each other's parents and now that whole world is gone, like it never happened. We are never going to open Christmas presents again, take a vacation, plan our kid's wedding together...

Friends and family tell me I will get over it, move on, but you cannot carve away knowing someone 17 years of your life as if it never happened. What do you do?



I firmly believe in moving on and have never obsessed on any ex. If there are kids involved get a court order that in no uncertain terms defines the visitation. Pick a neutral place for child exchanges with little conversation. Your ex can get info. from the school, doctor etc. If there are any schedule changes, child is sick then a simple text will suffice. Some of my friends have done this with their ex. It made their next relationship much better with out a interfering ex spouse. Make the break and stick with it. Fix yourself up, if you need to lose weight, new clothes, etc. now is the time..to feel more confidant.

Make new memories with someone else, get out meet people...find new hobbies. Your ex will probably find out it's not fun having to pay a lot of child support, insurance for the kids, medical bills and court costs for child modifications, etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 10:47     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

now that whole world is gone, like it never happened. We are never going to open Christmas presents again, take a vacation, plan our kid's wedding together...

Friends and family tell me I will get over it, move on, but you cannot carve away knowing someone 17 years of your life as if it never happened. What do you do?


I share your melancholy, it's deep. I could not live with my ex any longer because though we had a good time when we weren't at odds, the fights were unbearable and six years of counseling solved absolutely nothing. Now, 14 months after he moved out, I am pining for the life we had with the kids, and feel utterly bereft. He was my best friend and confidant when times were good, and I will never find that again. I rely on antidepressants to get past this, but it doesn't seem to go away. If only we could talk to each other about what's going on in our jobs, who he's dating, etc.. I'm not jealous at all and would not go back to the bitterness, but I just miss him.


The truth is the grass is always greener. One of the reasons I'm not getting divorced. There's no guarantee I will be any happier and most likely, will not be. As long as I enjoy spending time with my husband most of the time and he's my friend I won't be getting divorced. Of course baring any abuse.


So true, few 2nd marriages are good. Kids from ex'es who won't leave the couple alone, other people's kids that you may not be crazy about who will live or visit your home. Possibly not getting along with your child. Your child may not like his new gf or wife...so many realities.

If you can get along or be friends it's worth it to stay married. Not always a possibility if someone truly wants out like the OP's husband.

Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 10:38     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:Man here,

I found pics and sexting. My ex-wife was planning to physically cheat with a friend from high school. I feel sad on occasion when I think about losing my best friend. I remember events from our marriage very vividly. All around me, I see incomplete manifestations of the dreams we had for our life together.

It saddens me at times, but I know that I made the right decision in getting divorced.


Did she ever provide an explanation of why she did this?
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 07:59     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean. I divorced from the love of my life. I think about him every day. That being said, I'm so much happier note that were not married. Some relationships are not meant to be encapsulated in marriage forever.


There was a part in Eat, Pray, Love where Elizabeth Gilbert was crying about her divorce and the relationship afterward that also ended. She was at the ashram and the Texas guy was talking with her about it. She said she was sad. "So be sad." "But I loved them." "So love them. Then let them go. Some people are only meant to be in your life for awhile to teach you a lesson, not to be your soulmate forever." It was otherwise not an awesome book but I have always loved that part.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 07:01     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well sure. It's hard to fail at something so major in life.


Most therapists will try to tell you that a divorce is not a failure.


I don't see it as a failure. You can't force feelings and it isn't something you can work hard at to make something out of nothing. If the emotional connection isn't there....it isn't there. Failure is just sticking around unhappy but patting yourself on the back for sticking with it for years.



I agree you can't force feelings. But equally, exiting the marriage because you are not willing to do the work to bring that back is cowardice.
After all, if all it takes to get two people to fall in love is to answer 20 questions while looking into each other's eyes.
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?referer=&_r=0
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2016 03:05     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well sure. It's hard to fail at something so major in life.


Most therapists will try to tell you that a divorce is not a failure.


I don't see it as a failure. You can't force feelings and it isn't something you can work hard at to make something out of nothing. If the emotional connection isn't there....it isn't there. Failure is just sticking around unhappy but patting yourself on the back for sticking with it for years.


If you think that is a failure.. Wait till you're dying and all your dumb political opinions are irrelevant and all the sudden God may just be important. Boy , is that a bad feeling.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2016 23:44     Subject: Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well sure. It's hard to fail at something so major in life.


Most therapists will try to tell you that a divorce is not a failure.


I don't see it as a failure. You can't force feelings and it isn't something you can work hard at to make something out of nothing. If the emotional connection isn't there....it isn't there. Failure is just sticking around unhappy but patting yourself on the back for sticking with it for years.