Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a bad thing for your child to attach to daycare providers or other adults! They are not going to replace you, OP.

True, but children do form a primary attachment and when you go back to work that's either a daycare worker or a nanny. It's okay, but it's true.

Yeah, exactly. So like when your DH leaves you for another woman and you are forced to work 70 hours a week to support yourself, at a low wage job because you dropped out of the workforce, your child will totally form a primary bond with Daddy's new wife. It's okay, but it's true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you so much for your responses.

Currently looking into working PT, which could help us a little. I'm not loving my current job, it's actually very stressful and I usually would come home stressed out. I know that's not going to be healthy.

I don't want to look back and regret missing things. I also want to keep the special bond we have now but it seems scary with us being apart 40 hours a week.

Daycare moms - did you notice your kids were sick often? Maybe I'm paranoid, but I noticed many of the kids had watery eyes and runny noses when we toured the facility.

*sigh* This is one of the hardest decisions.

Assuming you find that you do love staying home with your baby (at least most of the time) I think you're going to be happier doing that if you can afford it. (Keep in mind that with both parents WOH full time and sharing childcare when not at work, you will likely want/need to outsource some of the house work -- yard/house maintenance, cleaning, cooking -- so you can preserve some personal and couple time.) The "right" answer to the SAH/WOH question depends on you. Follow your bliss, to the extent that your pocketbook allows. . .

OP, I was in similar shoes to you about a year ago. The thought of leaving my baby was so awful, and I cried for days. We couldn't afford for me to stay home, but I was looking into every possible avenue. I made an agreement with my husband that I would give it a month back at work with DD at our highly-recommended daycare to see how things were going, and we could reevaluate after that. I am eternally glad I did that. It turns out that, my DD absolutely loved daycare (huge smiles at drop off, etc) and once I got used to it, I really enjoy working. I am still fully bonded with my DD, and looking back I now realize that I personally would have gotten depressed staying at home (of course staying at home is the right choice for many people, that's just me!).

The other main thing I realized, and what struck me about your post, was that I actually hated my job, which made things so much harder. I dedicated my time to finding a better job with a better commute, and I am so much happier now. I now have every other Friday off and have some quality time with DD every day after work.

Whatever you decide, I suggest giving it some time to get used to the transition and think about a new job. If things still feel awful after a month or two, look into reevaluating.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you so much for your responses.

Currently looking into working PT, which could help us a little. I'm not loving my current job, it's actually very stressful and I usually would come home stressed out. I know that's not going to be healthy.

I don't want to look back and regret missing things. I also want to keep the special bond we have now but it seems scary with us being apart 40 hours a week.

Daycare moms - did you notice your kids were sick often? Maybe I'm paranoid, but I noticed many of the kids had watery eyes and runny noses when we toured the facility.

*sigh* This is one of the hardest decisions.

Assuming you find that you do love staying home with your baby (at least most of the time) I think you're going to be happier doing that if you can afford it. (Keep in mind that with both parents WOH full time and sharing childcare when not at work, you will likely want/need to outsource some of the house work -- yard/house maintenance, cleaning, cooking -- so you can preserve some personal and couple time.) The "right" answer to the SAH/WOH question depends on you. Follow your bliss, to the extent that your pocketbook allows. . .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can a 1:3 ratio be a good thing for a baby?

Or even 1:2? Of course if you have twins, you do what you have to do. But at least they're used to each other from the get go.

Silence. Of course.

Agreed. I have many friends who use daycare and they are absolutely wonderful parents. Daycare is the best option for their family. That is different though than making the argument (as I think some on here are starting to) that daycare is the best thing for a newborn. No way. The best thing for a newborn is to be with their mother. Is anyone here willing to say that feel daycare or a nanny was the best thing for their baby...I highly doubt it. Sure, its maybe better for mom/dad/family on the whole and that is totally fine (and very important) but lets not tell OP that daycare is a better option for her infant than mom.

I am not saying daycare is not loving or that children don't have a great bond with daycare workers. I am sure they do but for a baby 0-12 months their needs are best met by a loving, committed, constant parent (a mom OR dad). I absolutely think things change once you hit the toddler years and that daycare starts to bring more to the table for the child, but 0-12...lets be honest and just admit daycare at that age is for the benefit of someone other than the baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a bad thing for your child to attach to daycare providers or other adults! They are not going to replace you, OP.

True, but children do form a primary attachment and when you go back to work that's either a daycare worker or a nanny. It's okay, but it's true.

If your child is with a caretaker other than you for 8 hours a day or more and does NOT bond with the caretaker something is very wrong! You are *always* mommy - that doesn't change. You are always the first and most important relationship. But while you are at work your child needs love, he/she needs a second mom. If that is missing you are going to have a very insecure toddler.
Not fun.

Signed,
A mom and a daycare owner

+1. I'm a day care owner and I have a bond w/ all my kids. They love me too. Guess what? They ADORE their parents! You will always be #1 to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a bad thing for your child to attach to daycare providers or other adults! They are not going to replace you, OP.

True, but children do form a primary attachment and when you go back to work that's either a daycare worker or a nanny. It's okay, but it's true.

If your child is with a caretaker other than you for 8 hours a day or more and does NOT bond with the caretaker something is very wrong! You are *always* mommy - that doesn't change. You are always the first and most important relationship. But while you are at work your child needs love, he/she needs a second mom. If that is missing you are going to have a very insecure toddler.
Not fun.

Signed,
A mom and a daycare owner

Agree that it doesn't have to be a parent providing the stability, competence and love that little children require. But not many daycares can pull that off.

Kudos to you if you're one of the very few good ones. I hope you're well compensated for your work.

There is so much unfounded information in this post.

Off the top of my head, I have friends who have/had infants and seven or eight different daycares in DC who were very happy and really love their daycare and providers starting at the infant room and beyond. I know some who kept their kids despite crazy logistical challenges (new job in a different location, moving out to the suburbs) just to keep at their center because they loved it so much. Any of them who have school aged children started at their center and stayed the entire time because they were very happy with the care. So this myth that there aren't alot of good daycares is simply that, a myth. Are there "adequate" ones or ones that aren't great, sure? But can many day cares pull of competent, loving care? Yes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a bad thing for your child to attach to daycare providers or other adults! They are not going to replace you, OP.

True, but children do form a primary attachment and when you go back to work that's either a daycare worker or a nanny. It's okay, but it's true.

If your child is with a caretaker other than you for 8 hours a day or more and does NOT bond with the caretaker something is very wrong! You are *always* mommy - that doesn't change. You are always the first and most important relationship. But while you are at work your child needs love, he/she needs a second mom. If that is missing you are going to have a very insecure toddler.
Not fun.

Signed,
A mom and a daycare owner

Agree that it doesn't have to be a parent providing the stability, competence and love that little children require. But not many daycares can pull that off.

Kudos to you if you're one of the very few good ones. I hope you're well compensated for your work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a bad thing for your child to attach to daycare providers or other adults! They are not going to replace you, OP.

True, but children do form a primary attachment and when you go back to work that's either a daycare worker or a nanny. It's okay, but it's true.

If your child is with a caretaker other than you for 8 hours a day or more and does NOT bond with the caretaker something is very wrong! You are *always* mommy - that doesn't change. You are always the first and most important relationship. But while you are at work your child needs love, he/she needs a second mom. If that is missing you are going to have a very insecure toddler.
Not fun.

Signed,
A mom and a daycare owner

Anonymous wrote:How can a 1:3 ratio be a good thing for a baby?

Or even 1:2? Of course if you have twins, you do what you have to do. But at least they're used to each other from the get go.

Silence. Of course.

How can a 1:3 ratio be a good thing for a baby?

Or even 1:2? Of course if you have twins, you do what you have to do. But at least they're used to each other from the get go.

Try it out for 6 weeks at least. This is what I did. With my first, I decided daycare was the right choice and she thrived there. With my second, gave it 8 weeks and quit to stay at home. He was a preemie and frankly, I believe I had a bit of depression with him and I never got comfortable leaving him in daycare (even with his sister down the hall). Now Im home with both kids and thinking about going back now that they are both over 2.

Point is, try to remember nothing is permanent and you have choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a bad thing for your child to attach to daycare providers or other adults! They are not going to replace you, OP.

During the first years of life, babies and toddlers require care that is:

1. Stable
2. Competent
3. Loving

For most children, the parent is the best person who can provide all three components.

Like many stressed out nurses, daycare workers don't have the time to love your child, even if she wanted to. Other babies are crying to be fed, changed, and picked-up. Just observe in any one of these places for yourself. Invest a few hours of watching with your mouth closed and your eyes and ears open. See for yourself.

I agree. I know many daycares provide quality care for infants but I don't think anything comes remotely close to a single caregiver dedicated to a baby he/she loves. I chose to SAH but if I could not, I would have tried to hire a nanny. I understand costs is always a factor and I have no judgement on the choices any moms make. I know everyone is trying their best but daycare is not the same as mom. Especially for older children there may be some benefits daycare has over a parent (lots of interaction with other kids, learning to be flexible, structure) but none of these benefit babies. Babies need what the PP said...stable, loving, competent caregivers. Even the most well meaning daycare provider can't give this when she has 2 other newborns to also care for and this is assuming the best from a daycare worker...we all know many are not always well meaning.

OP take these two points with a huge grain of salt. There are a multitude of parents on this listserve with children actually IN daycare who wholeheartedly disagree. Please TALK to people and don't just rely on this or any listserve. We LOVED our infant teachers--they had so much love for our daughter.

Saying that daycare teachers can't/won't/don't love your baby is patently false and unfair.

OP, you are basically unintentionally stirring up the mommy wars, so just know that much of what you might hear is based on emotion and conjecture based on the personal choices people have made for them and their lives. Again, please talk to real people!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a bad thing for your child to attach to daycare providers or other adults! They are not going to replace you, OP.

During the first years of life, babies and toddlers require care that is:

1. Stable
2. Competent
3. Loving

For most children, the parent is the best person who can provide all three components.

Like many stressed out nurses, daycare workers don't have the time to love your child, even if she wanted to. Other babies are crying to be fed, changed, and picked-up. Just observe in any one of these places for yourself. Invest a few hours of watching with your mouth closed and your eyes and ears open. See for yourself.

I agree. I know many daycares provide quality care for infants but I don't think anything comes remotely close to a single caregiver dedicated to a baby he/she loves. I chose to SAH but if I could not, I would have tried to hire a nanny. I understand costs is always a factor and I have no judgement on the choices any moms make. I know everyone is trying their best but daycare is not the same as mom. Especially for older children there may be some benefits daycare has over a parent (lots of interaction with other kids, learning to be flexible, structure) but none of these benefit babies. Babies need what the PP said...stable, loving, competent caregivers. Even the most well meaning daycare provider can't give this when she has 2 other newborns to also care for and this is assuming the best from a daycare worker...we all know many are not always well meaning.

Let me blow your mind - I much preferred daycare to a nanny. Our center had a beautiful space with 4 caregivers and 6 infants. Considering how much newborns sleep, there was always someone tending to their needs. I've heard a number of nanny horror stories - getting called back to home country and leaving unexpectedly, logistical and payment issues - etc - and wouldn't go that route.

And your post reeks of judgment but you clearly don't know what you're talking about so I'll stop there. Unless you're the person arguing that kids in daycare don't have a primary attachment to their parents - my 2 and 4 year olds would disagree wholeheartedly!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a bad thing for your child to attach to daycare providers or other adults! They are not going to replace you, OP.

True, but children do form a primary attachment and when you go back to work that's either a daycare worker or a nanny. It's okay, but it's true.

No, it's not. Really, unless you are never with your kid, their primary attachment is going to be with you. Babies know who their mothers are, and that attachment is amazingly strong. Think about it this way--there are kids who are terribly abused by their parents, and they still love their parents more than anything in the world. If love can withstand that, it's not going to be dented by 8 hours a day in daycare. I love my kid, and I never once felt like I was replaced in her affection by anyone. Kids are capable of attaching to more than one adult, but no one is going to replace Mommy.

Agreed: all the literature on attachment supports this point about how babies can be attached to multiple people and it is all healthy. Also agree, that you will realize that though your kids "love" their teachers and your bond is different with them.

OP, I was in your shoes and almost didn't go back. I decided to try it for three months and see what happened. What happened is that I really liked being back at work and I was surprised how much I and my child liked the daycare. These feelings continued over time. I also have a friend who never really was okay going back (like for more than a year), and she also had undiagnosed post-pardum. Just throwing that out there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a bad thing for your child to attach to daycare providers or other adults! They are not going to replace you, OP.

During the first years of life, babies and toddlers require care that is:

1. Stable
2. Competent
3. Loving

For most children, the parent is the best person who can provide all three components.

Like many stressed out nurses, daycare workers don't have the time to love your child, even if she wanted to. Other babies are crying to be fed, changed, and picked-up. Just observe in any one of these places for yourself. Invest a few hours of watching with your mouth closed and your eyes and ears open. See for yourself.

I agree. I know many daycares provide quality care for infants but I don't think anything comes remotely close to a single caregiver dedicated to a baby he/she loves. I chose to SAH but if I could not, I would have tried to hire a nanny. I understand costs is always a factor and I have no judgement on the choices any moms make. I know everyone is trying their best but daycare is not the same as mom. Especially for older children there may be some benefits daycare has over a parent (lots of interaction with other kids, learning to be flexible, structure) but none of these benefit babies. Babies need what the PP said...stable, loving, competent caregivers. Even the most well meaning daycare provider can't give this when she has 2 other newborns to also care for and this is assuming the best from a daycare worker...we all know many are not always well meaning.