Anonymous wrote:Asks literally six months in advance if we're celebrating a particular holiday with them. DH expects me to decide our holiday plans at that time because she will continue to ask him every week until he answers.

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't agree with the standard advice that each spouse should handle his & her family's craziness. Ideally, yes, we should. But if we were raised by these people with this form of crazy, then we're in it - we can't see it clearly for it is, and we have deeply entrenched habits. It's not as simple as deciding "hey, I'm going to put my spouse and children first!" If only it were that easy.

Further, the people with these unhealthy dynamics are often relying on the life-long relationship and love from their child to get away with this stuff. When I say no to the ILs, they respect it and accept it much more quickly than when DH says no. He can say "no" a dozen times and his mother will keep pestering him. Could he cut her off to force the boundary issue? Sure, but is that really the ideal solution here? We don't think so. I step in and say "thanks so much for your thoughtfulness, but that doesn't work for our family" and that's the end of it. She drops it, because she knows that I don't do this endless badgering thing - and I call it what it is, and that's harassment. Her son would never dare describe her behavior as harassment, even when he does feel harassed.

With my parents, we have a problem with direct communication - DH walks in, is super direct, and just point blank asks my siblings what they want, and he takes them at their word, rather than trying to read between the lines. So my family knows there's no subtle 2nd & 3rd meanings with my husband - say what you mean when you have the chance.

Anyway, we've found that we each can bring a new, somewhat healthier dynamic to the IL relationship so we don't opt out and just say "oh, that's your family, your problem."

Anonymous wrote:If politely but firmly communicating with his family when he fails to do so is a deal breaker, break the deal.

Anonymous wrote:Why does your husband think it's ok to consistently put his parents ahead of you? Ask him this point-blank.

What kinds of things are we talking about?

Anonymous wrote:When I read the posts in this forum, it often comes up that if there are in-law issues, a spouse should "handle" his or her parents. What about when a spouse doesn't and won't handle his or her parents? My DH is terrible at handling his parents, to the point where they just do whatever and the kids and I are expected to just deal with whatever they do. We've been to counseling about this issue and DH says he gets it, but nothing changes. DH reverts back to the "they mean well" or "it's not that big a deal" or whatever the excuse of the day is for the in-laws. Basically, the idea is not to ever talk about anything or rock any boat. It's very frustrating.

Anonymous wrote:If politely but firmly communicating with his family when he fails to do so is a deal breaker, break the deal.

If your DH nags you about holiday plans, just pick a date by which the decision will be made and tell him not to keep asking you. If he won't push back in his mother, the solution is not that he should keep nagging you. Offer to tell her that you won't really know until [x date].


The counselor suggested a "hard" date to make holiday decisions by, which we agreed on (a month before said holiday). Then, DH started asking me well before that date. When I reminded him about the date we agreed on, he said that he didn't understand why we just couldn't make a decision then. It MIGHT be ok to decide about the holiday well in advance, but then we're expected to commit to a time, what we're bringing, etc. It's just never enough. Anyway, I'm generally just trying to keep up with what's going on in the next week or month, much less what's happening in four, five, or six months. I've hosted plenty of holidays and get that it's helpful and courteous to let people know if you're coming so the requisite plans can be made, but it's just hard for me to commit to plans with anyone that far in advance. People don't even need that much lead time when you RSVP to a wedding! I think is a good example of why I'm feeling so frustrated-many of the the logical solutions haven't worked so far.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't agree with the standard advice that each spouse should handle his & her family's craziness. Ideally, yes, we should. But if we were raised by these people with this form of crazy, then we're in it - we can't see it clearly for it is, and we have deeply entrenched habits. It's not as simple as deciding "hey, I'm going to put my spouse and children first!" If only it were that easy.

Further, the people with these unhealthy dynamics are often relying on the life-long relationship and love from their child to get away with this stuff. When I say no to the ILs, they respect it and accept it much more quickly than when DH says no. He can say "no" a dozen times and his mother will keep pestering him. Could he cut her off to force the boundary issue? Sure, but is that really the ideal solution here? We don't think so. I step in and say "thanks so much for your thoughtfulness, but that doesn't work for our family" and that's the end of it. She drops it, because she knows that I don't do this endless badgering thing - and I call it what it is, and that's harassment. Her son would never dare describe her behavior as harassment, even when he does feel harassed.

With my parents, we have a problem with direct communication - DH walks in, is super direct, and just point blank asks my siblings what they want, and he takes them at their word, rather than trying to read between the lines. So my family knows there's no subtle 2nd & 3rd meanings with my husband - say what you mean when you have the chance.

Anyway, we've found that we each can bring a new, somewhat healthier dynamic to the IL relationship so we don't opt out and just say "oh, that's your family, your problem."

+1 I think you need to establish your OWN relationship with your in-laws. Cut your DH out and convey them your decisions yourself. I never deal with my in-laws through DH, I deal directly and we have a pretty mature relationship. The examples given are not too bad and if you work on building your own relationship, they can be fairly easy to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what I understand is why you are unable or unwilling to lay it out for your MIL the same way you explained it to us. Apparently, MIL does not get the hint. So tell her in plain English. She'll probably blow a gasket, at which point you can tell DH to go and handle his mother. It will be an unpleasant confrontation, but there is no other way you can stop being annoyed and resenting your in-laws and DH. I don't think your examples are horrible, and I do think MIL means well. However, if you are not willing to tolerate this, you should put a stop to this. Call her out. Respectfully and politely. Kids will get it.

I'm plenty willing and able, but have refrained because DH has told me that it's somewhat of a deal breaker if I do speak up. Again, that's where the frustration comes in. DH basically expects me to deal with whatever they do or say.

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't agree with the standard advice that each spouse should handle his & her family's craziness. Ideally, yes, we should. But if we were raised by these people with this form of crazy, then we're in it - we can't see it clearly for it is, and we have deeply entrenched habits. It's not as simple as deciding "hey, I'm going to put my spouse and children first!" If only it were that easy.

Further, the people with these unhealthy dynamics are often relying on the life-long relationship and love from their child to get away with this stuff. When I say no to the ILs, they respect it and accept it much more quickly than when DH says no. He can say "no" a dozen times and his mother will keep pestering him. Could he cut her off to force the boundary issue? Sure, but is that really the ideal solution here? We don't think so. I step in and say "thanks so much for your thoughtfulness, but that doesn't work for our family" and that's the end of it. She drops it, because she knows that I don't do this endless badgering thing - and I call it what it is, and that's harassment. Her son would never dare describe her behavior as harassment, even when he does feel harassed.

With my parents, we have a problem with direct communication - DH walks in, is super direct, and just point blank asks my siblings what they want, and he takes them at their word, rather than trying to read between the lines. So my family knows there's no subtle 2nd & 3rd meanings with my husband - say what you mean when you have the chance.

Anyway, we've found that we each can bring a new, somewhat healthier dynamic to the IL relationship so we don't opt out and just say "oh, that's your family, your problem."