Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are young, single, and childless. I think this topic touches a nerve for many DCUM posters (like me) who made similar trade-offs, settled for an undesirable situation, chose the wrong spouse, etc. My advice to you (and my younger self) is to really decide what YOU want to do with your life and if your DH is the right person to proceed and procreate with. This really has nothing to do with him...it's all on you and you have the power to make your own decisions, especially now before you have kids.

My thought about you is that you didn't have an exciting college life and always wanted to be "in the mix". This is why you were attracted to your DH's college stories. He was your ticket to a fun life. He grew up, decided he's been there, done that, and wants to chill out in the suburbs. Now, you feel deceived because he had his fun and you never got to. I could be wrong but only you know the truth.

Op here.

I think you're a 100% correct. I had NO fun in college. For the first two years I was a socially awkward nerd who spent all her time in the library and for the last two years my dad got sick so I spent a lot of weekends going home to see my family.

I figured once I graduated, found a job and became independent, I'd make friends and have a fun social life. And yes, I was attracted to DH because I thought he had a fun social life that I too could inherit. I did not count on him to "retire" from socializing so early.

If I were in your shoes, I'd do things relevant to my interests. Take a class. Learn karate or how to paint or something. Make friends with mutual interests. Ask your DH for one special date night a week, to go out and only focus on each other. You don't have to share or do all the same things together, but you should have a night or two a week where you totally shut the world out and be together. Then the next night, go to your class.
My SO and I have different schedules and commutes, and we have two date nights a week. Lots of sex, cuddling, talking , reconnecting. The rest of the week we are apart a lot, and are stuck in the burbs with no kids. It's what you make of it, not so much exactly where you live.

OP, your DH is not the only person you could be socializing with! Better yet, once he sees you out and about with a group of friends, he might decide to join. If not, his loss.

It's time for you to find new friends. You're young and don't have kids--stay out late, go to the city on weekends, find friends in Fairfax. The sky's the limit. It is not too late to learn how to make friends. I too was a shy and awkward college student, and had to figure out how to make friends in my 20s. Seek out people who are similarly looking for more socializing, and make plans. Drive everywhere. And down the line, once you start thinking about buying (as people tend to), have more of an idea about where you want to live and push for that location.

But PLEASE don't blame your DH for your lack of social life. If you want to go down that path, you'll likely end up divorcing, and being a new divorcee isn't the ideal way to start making friends. You'll be much better friend material now.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are young, single, and childless. I think this topic touches a nerve for many DCUM posters (like me) who made similar trade-offs, settled for an undesirable situation, chose the wrong spouse, etc. My advice to you (and my younger self) is to really decide what YOU want to do with your life and if your DH is the right person to proceed and procreate with. This really has nothing to do with him...it's all on you and you have the power to make your own decisions, especially now before you have kids.

My thought about you is that you didn't have an exciting college life and always wanted to be "in the mix". This is why you were attracted to your DH's college stories. He was your ticket to a fun life. He grew up, decided he's been there, done that, and wants to chill out in the suburbs. Now, you feel deceived because he had his fun and you never got to. I could be wrong but only you know the truth.

Op here.

I think you're a 100% correct. I had NO fun in college. For the first two years I was a socially awkward nerd who spent all her time in the library and for the last two years my dad got sick so I spent a lot of weekends going home to see my family.

I figured once I graduated, found a job and became independent, I'd make friends and have a fun social life. And yes, I was attracted to DH because I thought he had a fun social life that I too could inherit. I did not count on him to "retire" from socializing so early.

I tend to agree that the same thing would happen even if you moved back into the city. I don't think this is a commute issue, it is a marriage issue.

OP, you are young, single, and childless. I think this topic touches a nerve for many DCUM posters (like me) who made similar trade-offs, settled for an undesirable situation, chose the wrong spouse, etc. My advice to you (and my younger self) is to really decide what YOU want to do with your life and if your DH is the right person to proceed and procreate with. This really has nothing to do with him...it's all on you and you have the power to make your own decisions, especially now before you have kids.

My thought about you is that you didn't have an exciting college life and always wanted to be "in the mix". This is why you were attracted to your DH's college stories. He was your ticket to a fun life. He grew up, decided he's been there, done that, and wants to chill out in the suburbs. Now, you feel deceived because he had his fun and you never got to. I could be wrong but only you know the truth.

You're both being unreasonable, but honestly it's more on you if you knew and agreed up front and won't drive or take metro. Why can't you drive home early and he can metro? Otherwise you need to see a therapist to deal with your issues and go from there. If you agreed to Fairfax he has he right to say no. And you have the right to leave.

Anonymous wrote:This would be a deal breaker for me. It makes me so sad for you to be all the way out there with no friends. I have lived in DC since college and loved my 20s in the city. I married DH and we lived in DuPont circle and our first was 1.5 and then we moved to arlington. It was so great to be able to walk to tons of bars and restaurants, we could get together with friends at the last minute, no worries about drinking and driving home or an expensive can. If one of us didn't feel like going out, the other could pop by a bar for an hour without abandoning the other all night. We live in a house about a mile from the metro now and I really miss living in the city, but the trade off was worth it now that we are late thirties, have two kids, two cars, a big yard etc. I also stay at home and can meet up with friends and play groups easily in the suburbs.

I would insist on marriage counseling and if he still doesn't agree to move, I would divorce. You are so young, you don't want to spend the rest of your life miserable because you're are never able to have any fun. It sounds like you aren't a good match for each other, it would be better to get out now while you are still young than to have kids and be resentful your whole life/

I think you are missing the point here. You seem to think that the marriage counseling should be focused on moving to the city. Moving to the city will not guarantee happiness for OP or improve their marriage. She has already mentioned (I assume you read the previous replies) that her DH had a lively college life before her and now he's content staying at home playing video games. Also, OP can move to the city but it won't guarantee that she will make friends.

But it was nice hearing about you and your veiled pity for OP.

This would be a deal breaker for me. It makes me so sad for you to be all the way out there with no friends. I have lived in DC since college and loved my 20s in the city. I married DH and we lived in DuPont circle and our first was 1.5 and then we moved to arlington. It was so great to be able to walk to tons of bars and restaurants, we could get together with friends at the last minute, no worries about drinking and driving home or an expensive can. If one of us didn't feel like going out, the other could pop by a bar for an hour without abandoning the other all night. We live in a house about a mile from the metro now and I really miss living in the city, but the trade off was worth it now that we are late thirties, have two kids, two cars, a big yard etc. I also stay at home and can meet up with friends and play groups easily in the suburbs.

I would insist on marriage counseling and if he still doesn't agree to move, I would divorce. You are so young, you don't want to spend the rest of your life miserable because you're are never able to have any fun. It sounds like you aren't a good match for each other, it would be better to get out now while you are still young than to have kids and be resentful your whole life/

OP, just start having kids and it will all sort itself out. You can then revisit this discussion in 18 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP - You and DH might need a third party to help you learn to communicate better and share priorities because your daily living style sounds awful......You should try and get help for the claustrophobia which may just be a physical sign of the inner stress from your daily work/commute life. I would at least have him be willing to look at equivalent apartments or condos in Arlington. Also, have you thought of looking on the Maryland side to see if there are more commutable areas to your jobs from that side since you indicate Arlington would still be a haul. And there seems to be more space in some areas of Maryland. Deal with your daily lifestyle woes now before children.....

It feels so great to hear someone else say how awful our situation is. I feel so isolated from my DC peers and am taken out of the city every day after work after a grueling 1.5 hours in traffic. I have no friends! I am cooped up in our apartment all the time. No one comes to visit us because we're so far away from everyone. I do NOT want this life before we have children. I feel like I'm going to get a nervous breakdown!

OP, sadly the awfulness of your situation isn't the distance from the city. You can make friends and go places in the suburbs but you seem to want to avoid the real issue. You and your DH aren't compatible and you don't seem to know how to make friends and/or entertain yourself. Stop looking for people to validate your thoughts on DCUM and look in the mirror.

Op here.

You are right. I do not have a lot of friends in the area. The only way I meet people is at work and because of my long commute, I do not come into the city over the weekend and I do not see my coworkers except at work and happy hours. A lot of my old coworkers who I used to go out with moved so now I don't have anyone to even go to happy hours with. I keep thinking if DH was more social, we'd still have things to do and people to meet. And his lack of interest in TRYING to make friends doesn't help.

OP, what are YOU going to do about this? You keeping harping back to your DH's social inadequacies. That isn't going to change. As you stated in a earlier post, he had his fun in college. He's been there, done that and it seems like you now want to experience the "fun" life. Well, you got married and signed the lease on the apartment in Fairfax. So, figure out how to have fun in the burbs or get out to the city more often. I live in far out Fairfax (and work in DC) with kids and still find time to meet my friends in the city at least once a month.

I feel for you, OP. DW and I live in the city and we live in a much smaller place with 2 kids then we would have in the suburbs. I can think of no greater misery than suburban living and that isn't to say that we are "better" than suburbanites, but that it just isn't for us. I don't know what to tell you other than this may be just as big of an incompatibility as whether or not to have kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP - You and DH might need a third party to help you learn to communicate better and share priorities because your daily living style sounds awful......You should try and get help for the claustrophobia which may just be a physical sign of the inner stress from your daily work/commute life. I would at least have him be willing to look at equivalent apartments or condos in Arlington. Also, have you thought of looking on the Maryland side to see if there are more commutable areas to your jobs from that side since you indicate Arlington would still be a haul. And there seems to be more space in some areas of Maryland. Deal with your daily lifestyle woes now before children.....

It feels so great to hear someone else say how awful our situation is. I feel so isolated from my DC peers and am taken out of the city every day after work after a grueling 1.5 hours in traffic. I have no friends! I am cooped up in our apartment all the time. No one comes to visit us because we're so far away from everyone. I do NOT want this life before we have children. I feel like I'm going to get a nervous breakdown!

OP, sadly the awfulness of your situation isn't the distance from the city. You can make friends and go places in the suburbs but you seem to want to avoid the real issue. You and your DH aren't compatible and you don't seem to know how to make friends and/or entertain yourself. Stop looking for people to validate your thoughts on DCUM and look in the mirror.

Op here.

You are right. I do not have a lot of friends in the area. The only way I meet people is at work and because of my long commute, I do not come into the city over the weekend and I do not see my coworkers except at work and happy hours. A lot of my old coworkers who I used to go out with moved so now I don't have anyone to even go to happy hours with. I keep thinking if DH was more social, we'd still have things to do and people to meet. And his lack of interest in TRYING to make friends doesn't help.

OP, be careful what you wish for. Even if you lived in the city, you would still be going to the bars alone. You already said that your DH is a hermit so that's not going to change by living in the city. You'll just have a smaller, more expensive place. Work on your marriage before you have kids...this issue is just a symptom of a bad marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you planning to have children?

Yes in the next few years and I feel like I have lived my entire twenties in the suburbs and have never had the taste of "young city life." My dh is a hermit and is perfectly content staying in and playing video games but I am not! I WANT to go out after work and just walk to a bar or a restaurant.

I just feel like crying.

OP, what is it about YOU that you would settle for a hermit that's perfectly content staying at home playing video games? This whole post tells me more about you than him. It sounds like you settled or figured this was the best you could get.

When I met him he was a fresh college grad who would regale me with tales about his days from his fraternity and we had mutual friends we would hang out with.

I knew he was introverted, I just had NO idea he was so reclusive and so not interested in having adventures or more experiences. This has just come to light recently where it is only I who initiates anything that requires leaving the apartment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP - You and DH might need a third party to help you learn to communicate better and share priorities because your daily living style sounds awful......You should try and get help for the claustrophobia which may just be a physical sign of the inner stress from your daily work/commute life. I would at least have him be willing to look at equivalent apartments or condos in Arlington. Also, have you thought of looking on the Maryland side to see if there are more commutable areas to your jobs from that side since you indicate Arlington would still be a haul. And there seems to be more space in some areas of Maryland. Deal with your daily lifestyle woes now before children.....

It feels so great to hear someone else say how awful our situation is. I feel so isolated from my DC peers and am taken out of the city every day after work after a grueling 1.5 hours in traffic. I have no friends! I am cooped up in our apartment all the time. No one comes to visit us because we're so far away from everyone. I do NOT want this life before we have children. I feel like I'm going to get a nervous breakdown!

OP, sadly the awfulness of your situation isn't the distance from the city. You can make friends and go places in the suburbs but you seem to want to avoid the real issue. You and your DH aren't compatible and you don't seem to know how to make friends and/or entertain yourself. Stop looking for people to validate your thoughts on DCUM and look in the mirror.