Anonymous wrote:My husband is the exact same as yours (no help, won't bus his plate, etc.), only I work full time and he works part time. I've so had it. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, or about helping, he erupts and calls me names, etc. If it wasn't for the kids, I would be so out of here now, but am just biding my time to make sure I can financially afford the divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things were a lot easier once I went back to work. Like you, I was a SAHM by default. I didn't really enjoy it. I loved being home with DS but I HATE having to feel like I'm in charge of the household. Plus, I was depressed at not being able to work, hated feeling dependent on DH (even though he never made me feel that way) and knew I would be happier if I worked.

Then there was DH. Everything rode on his shoulders. If he lost his job, we could wind up in trouble. If he was stressed out at his job, too bad he had to suck it up because he was the breadwinner. I sometimes don't think people realize how stressful it is knowing your family's financial safety and security is completely on your shoulders.

Anyways, DH never said anything about the house not being clean and he certainly tried to do his fair share but the reality is that when you stay at home, the bulk of it is on your shoulders. Now would DH leave his dishes for me to pick up? No. But would he be irritated then there were crumbs all over the floor that brought ants in because I hadn't swept in days? Yes, and I completely get it.

When DS was 2.5 I went back to work part-time. It made splitting the duties SO much easier.

I don't know the answer OP. Perhaps your DH is just being a jerk. But perhaps you aren't really seeing his side of things too.

+1 One of the reasons that I work is because of how stressed my husband was as the thought of being the sole breadwinner. Having both of us work creates a cushion and makes both of us less stressed about money and being able to provide for our kids. I suspect that OP's husband is feeling that way, like he is stressed at work and the stress is compounded by the pressure that he feels and about how risky taking another job feels.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just my perspective as the working husband with a SAHM wife. Kids are 8 and 5 and wife hasn't worked since youngest was born.

It works really well for us, but partly because my wife does almost all domestic tasks. Sure, I help with dishes and bath and bedtime when I get home, trash, stuff on weekends. But all other domestic responsibilities are hers, from meals, to groceries, to doctors appointments, Christmas gifts and cards. She is really good and organized. By the end of the day, after the kids are in bed, we both relax together.

The reason this works, we are both working hard. If I had the perception that I was busting my chops at work for 9 hours and still had to do a chunk of domestic duties, I would be resentful. Caveat - when the children are really young like OPs its harder to get stuff done (both ours are in school now).

Agree with previous posters, you need to talk. And I am not implying that you aren't pulling your weight, but if you are SAH you need to accept the domestic is your role. If not, you need to get a job outside the home. On a related note, the generic advice is also: how's your sex life?

Doesn't seem like OP is stating that she is not taking on domestic chores, but that he won't do jack shit.. like even bus his own plate, and that he is resentful and takes his stress out on her. C'mon, no matter if you have a sahp partner, you can still bus your own plate. Even my 5 yr old buses his own plate and makes his own bed.

Anonymous wrote:Things were a lot easier once I went back to work. Like you, I was a SAHM by default. I didn't really enjoy it. I loved being home with DS but I HATE having to feel like I'm in charge of the household. Plus, I was depressed at not being able to work, hated feeling dependent on DH (even though he never made me feel that way) and knew I would be happier if I worked.

Then there was DH. Everything rode on his shoulders. If he lost his job, we could wind up in trouble. If he was stressed out at his job, too bad he had to suck it up because he was the breadwinner. I sometimes don't think people realize how stressful it is knowing your family's financial safety and security is completely on your shoulders.

Anyways, DH never said anything about the house not being clean and he certainly tried to do his fair share but the reality is that when you stay at home, the bulk of it is on your shoulders. Now would DH leave his dishes for me to pick up? No. But would he be irritated then there were crumbs all over the floor that brought ants in because I hadn't swept in days? Yes, and I completely get it.

When DS was 2.5 I went back to work part-time. It made splitting the duties SO much easier.

I don't know the answer OP. Perhaps your DH is just being a jerk. But perhaps you aren't really seeing his side of things too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm SAH by default because we moved right after DS (1yr) was born, and I haven't found a job. We have a very low cost of living now, and few expenses. I also stockpiled a lot of cash before leavin my job, so we have decent savings for future expenses (bigger house etc) down the line when I start working again. So this isn't about money/financial pressure. DH has a stressful job, and a lot of responsibility gets piled onto him. But he's had this job for many years- it's not like he had to step up because he got married and had a baby. He would still have this job if he were single. Anyway, he's starting to resent me-he makes offhand comments about how he hates going to work and he's jealous of me. Lately, he's doing zero housework. He doesn't even bus his own plate after dinner. If I don't pick it up, it will sit there for eternity. The one delineated chore he's supposed to do is trash, but he hasn't done it in weeks. I don't want a fight, but this is becoming really irritating, and I feel like a chore mule. I feel like because of his resentment, if I say something, he's going to be a jerk about it and we'll get in a fight. Any advice or btdt?

Sounds like he is burned out. It's hard for us to have another person's perspective. He comes home from a stressful day and just wants to chill and not do any housework. You have a stressful day doing housework and taking care of DS and don't want more things to do when he comes home and that should be your time off.

DH and I had this argument when I stayed at home because I was annoyed he would come home and want to relax a little when I wanted him to be immediately on duty and give me a break. I said something along the lines of he gets to escape to work every day whereas I'm doing the same thing ALL day. His response was to ask me if I thought going to work meant he got to relax all day. And he was right. We both were not seeing each other's perspectives. So we worked out a system. DH gets home and has 20 min in his office to decompress. Then he comes downstairs, phone goes away,and he's engaged. It has worked out really well. DS is now 3 and I am working again, albeit the overnight shift. We have developed a new system that works for us. I don't think you necessarily have to fight over this. I do think you need to sit down with him in talk. YOu need to really listen to him without getting mad, and he needs to listen to you.