Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 21:25     Subject: Re:Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
No, I didn't say that. I'm not speaking about your abuse. You just have a unique perspective that comes from a place of dysfunction of no fault of your own, but it is what shaped you. Abuse is not a relationship. I'm speaking about you get what you demand out of relationships. If you don't have the confidence to demand a partner that pleasures you, then that's what you get.

Not everyone who doesn't want to "make love" is abused. Some of us find it silly and that's OK.


So did you miss the last part of my post where I said I was in no way insinuating that everyone who feels the way you do about sex has secret trauma they need to deal with? I was speaking specifically to survivors of abuse, which you aren't.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 18:11     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to dissent a little, only becau of my personal experience. DH and I went through a patch where I felt this way, and it had to do with my own underlying issues stemming from sexual abuse as a child. The emotional connection from sex was too much from me, so I treated it like a porn star. It really hurt our relationship until I got counselling.

The interesting this is.. I never realized it was an issue until it became an issue. I always thought I enjoyed sex as much as the next gal, but it went a lot deeper than that. I could use sex for approval/ getting off... I just couldn't accept it as a means of emotional intimacy, and that was the problem.



+1

I experienced sexual abuse/trauma in my teens/early 20's, and spent most of that time having sex that was just about feeling good and getting off. I didn't feel safe or in control during sex because I was so used to just shutting down and doing whatever my partner wanted. And then I met my now-husband, who was the first person I'd dated who made me fully safe when I was with him. About 8 months into our relationship, I started dissociating during sex, had a total breakdown, and had to seek counselling and stop having sex with him. He was a total angel, supported me the entire way through, and now I'm way more comfortable with emotionally connecting with him via sex. We run the full gamut from slow and emotinal to quick 'n dirty, but the difference now is that I know no matter what kind of sex we're having, it's in the context of a relationship where my well-being and satisfaction is just as important as his.

I'm not trying to insinuate AT ALL that people who only enjoy hot, un-emotional sex have secret trauma they need to explore - but I do think that women learn to only value themselves for the pleasure they can provide their partner, and forget that they are just as important in the equation.


Huh? I realize you come from a place of trauma so this shapes Your experiences. However, I've never wanted to make love and wouldn't put up for a second with a sexual partner who wasn't pleasuring me. Maybe I've been lucky, but all the men I've been with have worked hard at getting g me off. I think people attract the kind of partners that they think they are worthy of. My confidence level might be a bit too high and if you are not going to put the time and effort into pleasuring me, I'm out.

Mutual pleasure and "making love" are two different things. Making love to me is some sort of silly teenaged Harlequin novel. Cheesy and bland.


Whoah, excuse me? So you're telling me that 18 year old me thought she deserved a coercive and abusive partner? This is nothing to do with self esteem. ANYBODY can be abused or sexually assaulted. I wasn't assaulted because I thought it was what I deserved. I don't think you really understand what I'm saying.


No, I didn't say that. I'm not speaking about your abuse. You just have a unique perspective that comes from a place of dysfunction of no fault of your own, but it is what shaped you. Abuse is not a relationship. I'm speaking about you get what you demand out of relationships. If you don't have the confidence to demand a partner that pleasures you, then that's what you get.

Not everyone who doesn't want to "make love" is abused. Some of us find it silly and that's OK.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 18:09     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised at these responses. We do both - with "getting it on" being the default, but sometimes we're both in the right head space to "make love" . They're different, and both have their advantages. I'd be sad if we never did one or the other.


Agreed. But also agreed with the others who don't like the term. I definitely wouldn't call it that.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 17:49     Subject: Re:Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
My husband likes foreplay and I don't. He sometimes wants to talk about it after and I never do. I just think we have different sex styles.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 17:18     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to dissent a little, only becau of my personal experience. DH and I went through a patch where I felt this way, and it had to do with my own underlying issues stemming from sexual abuse as a child. The emotional connection from sex was too much from me, so I treated it like a porn star. It really hurt our relationship until I got counselling.

The interesting this is.. I never realized it was an issue until it became an issue. I always thought I enjoyed sex as much as the next gal, but it went a lot deeper than that. I could use sex for approval/ getting off... I just couldn't accept it as a means of emotional intimacy, and that was the problem.



+1

I experienced sexual abuse/trauma in my teens/early 20's, and spent most of that time having sex that was just about feeling good and getting off. I didn't feel safe or in control during sex because I was so used to just shutting down and doing whatever my partner wanted. And then I met my now-husband, who was the first person I'd dated who made me fully safe when I was with him. About 8 months into our relationship, I started dissociating during sex, had a total breakdown, and had to seek counselling and stop having sex with him. He was a total angel, supported me the entire way through, and now I'm way more comfortable with emotionally connecting with him via sex. We run the full gamut from slow and emotinal to quick 'n dirty, but the difference now is that I know no matter what kind of sex we're having, it's in the context of a relationship where my well-being and satisfaction is just as important as his.

I'm not trying to insinuate AT ALL that people who only enjoy hot, un-emotional sex have secret trauma they need to explore - but I do think that women learn to only value themselves for the pleasure they can provide their partner, and forget that they are just as important in the equation.


Huh? I realize you come from a place of trauma so this shapes Your experiences. However, I've never wanted to make love and wouldn't put up for a second with a sexual partner who wasn't pleasuring me. Maybe I've been lucky, but all the men I've been with have worked hard at getting g me off. I think people attract the kind of partners that they think they are worthy of. My confidence level might be a bit too high and if you are not going to put the time and effort into pleasuring me, I'm out.

Mutual pleasure and "making love" are two different things. Making love to me is some sort of silly teenaged Harlequin novel. Cheesy and bland.


Whoah, excuse me? So you're telling me that 18 year old me thought she deserved a coercive and abusive partner? This is nothing to do with self esteem. ANYBODY can be abused or sexually assaulted. I wasn't assaulted because I thought it was what I deserved. I don't think you really understand what I'm saying.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 17:12     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
I think there are several different ideas of what constitutes making love.
I also think the wording is cheesy, but we call it something different, when the connection is so sweet, loving and emotional that we're stunned afterwards. We call it cosmic sex. It doesn't happen often- maybe every 2-3 months- but it's a bit beyond our normal sex- which is really great, all by itself! No movie type crap, but a definite slowing down, even more savoring and touching, nose rubs and maybe an I love you during it, and just a deep emotional connection running through the experience. I've never experienced this with any other partner, leading me to believe that it's a highly personal thing that is hard to explain. Certainly not cheesy, but nor an everyday experience. The typical idea of the wine and candles and all that is not what I've experienced with this- it's in the moment, and often spurred by an event or conversation that took us to a deeper place.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 17:10     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to dissent a little, only becau of my personal experience. DH and I went through a patch where I felt this way, and it had to do with my own underlying issues stemming from sexual abuse as a child. The emotional connection from sex was too much from me, so I treated it like a porn star. It really hurt our relationship until I got counselling.

The interesting this is.. I never realized it was an issue until it became an issue. I always thought I enjoyed sex as much as the next gal, but it went a lot deeper than that. I could use sex for approval/ getting off... I just couldn't accept it as a means of emotional intimacy, and that was the problem.



+1

I experienced sexual abuse/trauma in my teens/early 20's, and spent most of that time having sex that was just about feeling good and getting off. I didn't feel safe or in control during sex because I was so used to just shutting down and doing whatever my partner wanted. And then I met my now-husband, who was the first person I'd dated who made me fully safe when I was with him. About 8 months into our relationship, I started dissociating during sex, had a total breakdown, and had to seek counselling and stop having sex with him. He was a total angel, supported me the entire way through, and now I'm way more comfortable with emotionally connecting with him via sex. We run the full gamut from slow and emotinal to quick 'n dirty, but the difference now is that I know no matter what kind of sex we're having, it's in the context of a relationship where my well-being and satisfaction is just as important as his.

I'm not trying to insinuate AT ALL that people who only enjoy hot, un-emotional sex have secret trauma they need to explore - but I do think that women learn to only value themselves for the pleasure they can provide their partner, and forget that they are just as important in the equation.


Huh? I realize you come from a place of trauma so this shapes Your experiences. However, I've never wanted to make love and wouldn't put up for a second with a sexual partner who wasn't pleasuring me. Maybe I've been lucky, but all the men I've been with have worked hard at getting g me off. I think people attract the kind of partners that they think they are worthy of. My confidence level might be a bit too high and if you are not going to put the time and effort into pleasuring me, I'm out.

Mutual pleasure and "making love" are two different things. Making love to me is some sort of silly teenaged Harlequin novel. Cheesy and bland.


Have you really never had sex that felt like it meant something? I think that's all people are talking about. It doesn't need to be some cheesy thing where you stare into each others eyes whispering I love yous. It just feels different, it feels like you're telling each other you love each other. I don't know. Honestly I kind of feel sorry for people that have never felt that. It doesn't happen often between me and DH, we have plenty of down and. dirty, but it's very special. I would hope that you get that feeling through other activities with your SO at least.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 16:41     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to dissent a little, only becau of my personal experience. DH and I went through a patch where I felt this way, and it had to do with my own underlying issues stemming from sexual abuse as a child. The emotional connection from sex was too much from me, so I treated it like a porn star. It really hurt our relationship until I got counselling.

The interesting this is.. I never realized it was an issue until it became an issue. I always thought I enjoyed sex as much as the next gal, but it went a lot deeper than that. I could use sex for approval/ getting off... I just couldn't accept it as a means of emotional intimacy, and that was the problem.



+1

I experienced sexual abuse/trauma in my teens/early 20's, and spent most of that time having sex that was just about feeling good and getting off. I didn't feel safe or in control during sex because I was so used to just shutting down and doing whatever my partner wanted. And then I met my now-husband, who was the first person I'd dated who made me fully safe when I was with him. About 8 months into our relationship, I started dissociating during sex, had a total breakdown, and had to seek counselling and stop having sex with him. He was a total angel, supported me the entire way through, and now I'm way more comfortable with emotionally connecting with him via sex. We run the full gamut from slow and emotinal to quick 'n dirty, but the difference now is that I know no matter what kind of sex we're having, it's in the context of a relationship where my well-being and satisfaction is just as important as his.

I'm not trying to insinuate AT ALL that people who only enjoy hot, un-emotional sex have secret trauma they need to explore - but I do think that women learn to only value themselves for the pleasure they can provide their partner, and forget that they are just as important in the equation.


Huh? I realize you come from a place of trauma so this shapes Your experiences. However, I've never wanted to make love and wouldn't put up for a second with a sexual partner who wasn't pleasuring me. Maybe I've been lucky, but all the men I've been with have worked hard at getting g me off. I think people attract the kind of partners that they think they are worthy of. My confidence level might be a bit too high and if you are not going to put the time and effort into pleasuring me, I'm out.

Mutual pleasure and "making love" are two different things. Making love to me is some sort of silly teenaged Harlequin novel. Cheesy and bland.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 16:37     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:My experience is that a balance worked best with most of the women I have been with. There is a time for rip off the clothes, no words, and total animal. But also for things like taking a shower together, staring into each other's eyes, and taking our time. Both have their place. Sometimes you want to enjoy every inch of a woman before the main event.


Stare deeply in my eyes? I'd be laughing to hard to "make love". I'd feel like I was in an old Meg Ryan movie!
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 16:37     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to dissent a little, only becau of my personal experience. DH and I went through a patch where I felt this way, and it had to do with my own underlying issues stemming from sexual abuse as a child. The emotional connection from sex was too much from me, so I treated it like a porn star. It really hurt our relationship until I got counselling.

The interesting this is.. I never realized it was an issue until it became an issue. I always thought I enjoyed sex as much as the next gal, but it went a lot deeper than that. I could use sex for approval/ getting off... I just couldn't accept it as a means of emotional intimacy, and that was the problem.



+1

I experienced sexual abuse/trauma in my teens/early 20's, and spent most of that time having sex that was just about feeling good and getting off. I didn't feel safe or in control during sex because I was so used to just shutting down and doing whatever my partner wanted. And then I met my now-husband, who was the first person I'd dated who made me fully safe when I was with him. About 8 months into our relationship, I started dissociating during sex, had a total breakdown, and had to seek counselling and stop having sex with him. He was a total angel, supported me the entire way through, and now I'm way more comfortable with emotionally connecting with him via sex. We run the full gamut from slow and emotinal to quick 'n dirty, but the difference now is that I know no matter what kind of sex we're having, it's in the context of a relationship where my well-being and satisfaction is just as important as his.

I'm not trying to insinuate AT ALL that people who only enjoy hot, un-emotional sex have secret trauma they need to explore - but I do think that women learn to only value themselves for the pleasure they can provide their partner, and forget that they are just as important in the equation.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 16:36     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to dissent a little, only becau of my personal experience. DH and I went through a patch where I felt this way, and it had to do with my own underlying issues stemming from sexual abuse as a child. The emotional connection from sex was too much from me, so I treated it like a porn star. It really hurt our relationship until I got counselling.

The interesting this is.. I never realized it was an issue until it became an issue. I always thought I enjoyed sex as much as the next gal, but it went a lot deeper than that. I could use sex for approval/ getting off... I just couldn't accept it as a means of emotional intimacy, and that was the problem.



I have never experienced emotional or physical or sexual abuse. I have never once with any partner wanted to make love. If a man wanted to make love, I'd be completely turned off.

Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 16:29     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you do just want to be fucked and don't want to make love, make sure you tell your S/O. Some guys want to make love because that's what they want. But other guys are doing it more because they're steeped in a culture that says women want an emotional experience and aren't as much into the purely physical thrill as guys are.


This.


Guys are slowly learning that what is depicted about romance and sex in movies and songs is not the reality at all. It's not what women want. The problem is that many guys only learn this after being rejected several times for being the nice guy and doing through all of these romantic gestures. Women say they want all of that romance, but in reality do not. Women will never admit it, but it's the truth.


I've lost count of how many sweeping generalizations you make in this statement.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 16:08     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
My experience is that a balance worked best with most of the women I have been with. There is a time for rip off the clothes, no words, and total animal. But also for things like taking a shower together, staring into each other's eyes, and taking our time. Both have their place. Sometimes you want to enjoy every inch of a woman before the main event.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 14:54     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised at these responses. We do both - with "getting it on" being the default, but sometimes we're both in the right head space to "make love" . They're different, and both have their advantages. I'd be sad if we never did one or the other.


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 14:52     Subject: Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"
I'm surprised at these responses. We do both - with "getting it on" being the default, but sometimes we're both in the right head space to "make love" . They're different, and both have their advantages. I'd be sad if we never did one or the other.