Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send DH (and any other kids) to game-you and son go late to party. I agree with you-you honored DH family but then they canceled and now you ought to honor the commitment owed to team. I would ask coach if it would truly be an issue and if not then sure - go to party.

This!

I admit that I don't know much about middle school sports. But is there really a chance in hell that any coach tells a parent that it would be "an issue" for a player to miss a game to attend a grandparent's 75th birthday celebration?

None of this is about the coach's response; he's great and my kid missing one game won't make a problem for my son. We have had coaches who have been jerks about family events (middle son's travel baseball coach gave him a ton of crap and talked about him to the rest of the team because he went to my oldest son's high school graduation and family celebration afterward) and that doesn't have anything to do with what decision we'd make about a family event. I also have no illusions that my son's going to the NBA, that sports trump all, or that we're worried about his playing time or any of that crap. For me, it's about saying we'd be somewhere and now saying we're not. Once someone cancels plans, how long should a person hold their calendar open for the cancelling party to change their minds?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

But this really isn't about her. The party is for the FIL.

No, really the party's about MIL; this is why MIL cancelled the party when HER cousin couldn't come. FIL goes with the path of least resistance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send DH (and any other kids) to game-you and son go late to party. I agree with you-you honored DH family but then they canceled and now you ought to honor the commitment owed to team. I would ask coach if it would truly be an issue and if not then sure - go to party.

I think the cancellation issue is making things unnecessarily confused. How about thinking of it this way: Pretend MIL called DH today for the absolute first time and said, "I know it is last minute, but I am pulling together a celebration for Grandpa's 75th. BIL has agreed to come in from out of town and some other family is also coming. Can you and your family make it?"

Would you hesitate? Or would you simply call the coach and say he is going to have to miss this game for a family event?

The cancellation is absolutely relevant. You cannot just say ' pretend this part did not happen' -- da hell ?!
Because of the back and forth OP has had to back out of her kid's committment 2 times at this point.
I would go to the game with the son and meet up with everyone else at the party -- later!!

One time. She notified the coach one time that her son would miss the game.
I guess people just place different value on extended family and family events. Go with your values I guess, OP. Just be careful that it is really about honoring commitments and not feeling spiteful toward MIL.

I hate those kind of insults -- the unnecessary moral superiority is not a good look pp.
I'm not the OP by the way...just the poster to whom you are responding

1) I place a lot of value on family. I hate to break the news but lots of people value family and do not do things exactly as you would.

2) she told the coach -- not coming
she told the coach -- coming
Now she would tell the coach not coming again
That is 3 times -- do the math

3) There is nothing wrong with them coming late to the event, if MIL was able to waffle about when to have it, then it should not be a big deal.

4) I happen to have very understanding inlaws, folks who actually understand and work with one another and would not blink at the compromise of us coming a bit later

Thank you. If I didn't value family at all, then we wouldn't have ever been planning to go to the party because we knew there'd be games long before we knew when the party was.

Anonymous wrote:

My view is that MIL cancelled pretty easily and it was not at all important to her to make alternate plans for any of us to get together, which makes us believe it really isn't all that important to her or FIL. We took our cue from her and made alternate plans that now involve other people.

OP, this is the part I don't get. Why was it all up to MIL to make alternate plans for everyone. Why didn't you (or DH) pick up the phone, call BIL and say, "Since you and all the others will already becoming to town, let's do XYZ" and still have a family gathering?

It's like because MIL didn't make every last little plan, you all are out in the cold not able to fend for yourself and go out to a frickin dinner with your Dh's siblings and family. And instead of choosing to spend time with your family, you chose for your kid to go to the game DESPITE the fact that everyone was coming into town.

It's a big fail on your part - YOU chose to not see family and instead have your kid go to the game - Regardless of whether a birthday party was planned or not.

Um, neither the game or the party have happened yet and no decision's been made, so your post doesn't really make sense. Anyway, MIL gets very nasty if we try to make plans with one another and DH doesn't really care to see his brother, so he's definitely not making any alternate plans without MIL being involved. Our attempt at making plans was, as I already posted, to ask if we could all still do something together even if it wasn't the originally planned party. MIL declined.

Anonymous wrote:He goes to the U.S..e. ThenThe party.

Party not US.

He goes to the U.S..e. ThenThe party.

I think you are right Op, your son should play for the first half of the game and then go to the party. This is what happens when plans get changed around- plans get changed around!

Anonymous wrote:

My view is that MIL cancelled pretty easily and it was not at all important to her to make alternate plans for any of us to get together, which makes us believe it really isn't all that important to her or FIL. We took our cue from her and made alternate plans that now involve other people.

OP, this is the part I don't get. Why was it all up to MIL to make alternate plans for everyone. Why didn't you (or DH) pick up the phone, call BIL and say, "Since you and all the others will already becoming to town, let's do XYZ" and still have a family gathering?

It's like because MIL didn't make every last little plan, you all are out in the cold not able to fend for yourself and go out to a frickin dinner with your Dh's siblings and family. And instead of choosing to spend time with your family, you chose for your kid to go to the game DESPITE the fact that everyone was coming into town.

It's a big fail on your part - YOU chose to not see family and instead have your kid go to the game - Regardless of whether a birthday party was planned or not.

OMG -- you sound unhinged

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send DH (and any other kids) to game-you and son go late to party. I agree with you-you honored DH family but then they canceled and now you ought to honor the commitment owed to team. I would ask coach if it would truly be an issue and if not then sure - go to party.

I think the cancellation issue is making things unnecessarily confused. How about thinking of it this way: Pretend MIL called DH today for the absolute first time and said, "I know it is last minute, but I am pulling together a celebration for Grandpa's 75th. BIL has agreed to come in from out of town and some other family is also coming. Can you and your family make it?"

Would you hesitate? Or would you simply call the coach and say he is going to have to miss this game for a family event?

The cancellation is absolutely relevant. You cannot just say ' pretend this part did not happen' -- da hell ?!
Because of the back and forth OP has had to back out of her kid's committment 2 times at this point.
I would go to the game with the son and meet up with everyone else at the party -- later!!

One time. She notified the coach one time that her son would miss the game.
I guess people just place different value on extended family and family events. Go with your values I guess, OP. Just be careful that it is really about honoring commitments and not feeling spiteful toward MIL.

I hate those kind of insults -- the unnecessary moral superiority is not a good look pp.
I'm not the OP by the way...just the poster to whom you are responding

1) I place a lot of value on family. I hate to break the news but lots of people value family and do not do things exactly as you would.

2) she told the coach -- not coming
she told the coach -- coming
Now she would tell the coach not coming again
That is 3 times -- do the math

3) There is nothing wrong with them coming late to the event, if MIL was able to waffle about when to have it, then it should not be a big deal.

4) I happen to have very understanding inlaws, folks who actually understand and work with one another and would not blink at the compromise of us coming a bit later

My view is that MIL cancelled pretty easily and it was not at all important to her to make alternate plans for any of us to get together, which makes us believe it really isn't all that important to her or FIL. We took our cue from her and made alternate plans that now involve other people.

OP, this is the part I don't get. Why was it all up to MIL to make alternate plans for everyone. Why didn't you (or DH) pick up the phone, call BIL and say, "Since you and all the others will already becoming to town, let's do XYZ" and still have a family gathering?

It's like because MIL didn't make every last little plan, you all are out in the cold not able to fend for yourself and go out to a frickin dinner with your Dh's siblings and family. And instead of choosing to spend time with your family, you chose for your kid to go to the game DESPITE the fact that everyone was coming into town.

It's a big fail on your part - YOU chose to not see family and instead have your kid go to the game - Regardless of whether a birthday party was planned or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

+1

You and son come late to the party. Seems obvious.

+1 The rest of the family goes on time and you and your son show up shortly after.

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

But this really isn't about her. The party is for the FIL.

Anonymous wrote:Yup...you're an askhole.

+1

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

+1

You and son come late to the party. Seems obvious.