Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Many states legally disagree with you and will hold you responsible, allowing health care providers, hospitals and nursing homes to sue you directly to pay your parents' bills.

Not true. When you enroll your parent in a nursing home, you sign a form stating you will be financially responsible or not. We had this happen where the nursing home did some really shady financial stuff and tried to go after us. We went for legal guardianship (you do do this when your parent is not of sound mind -very easy to do) and became social security rep. payee and now they have to allow us to make all decision but we are not financially responsible. Usually you have to agree for them to hold you accountable. If your parent is on medicaid, they cannot ask for more than the parent's social security check. Its more of an issue private pay and OP mom cannot private pay.

It really depends on which state you are in. If OP is in PA, watch out!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Many states legally disagree with you and will hold you responsible, allowing health care providers, hospitals and nursing homes to sue you directly to pay your parents' bills.

Not true. When you enroll your parent in a nursing home, you sign a form stating you will be financially responsible or not. We had this happen where the nursing home did some really shady financial stuff and tried to go after us. We went for legal guardianship (you do do this when your parent is not of sound mind -very easy to do) and became social security rep. payee and now they have to allow us to make all decision but we are not financially responsible. Usually you have to agree for them to hold you accountable. If your parent is on medicaid, they cannot ask for more than the parent's social security check. Its more of an issue private pay and OP mom cannot private pay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom, it's not going to work to think you're going to live with us. And we can't afford to support you. But let's make a game plan and figure out what kind of benefits you're entitled to and what the care options are.

Are you an only child?

No, I have a brother. (Op here). He's the golden child and I'm the other one. Anyone who has researched narcissism is familiar with that term? He lives in a one bedroom apartment so she couldn't move there.

Oh, so familiar. I like to call myself the 'escaped' goat. I invite you to use the term too. I'd just echo the other PPs who understand, boundaries up. Be absolutely clear to yourself that she is not going to get what she wants. You don't need to tell her anything, and in my experience, the less she knows about what you think, the better for you. Keeping the N guessing puts the leverage and power with you where it belongs, the sane responsible person.

Sometimes we can be more giving and loving to other people even if they were not able to give us the same thing in exchange. You could ignore her; you can help her navigate bureaucracy, or you could accept that she failed as a mother but she is still your mother and you are a stronger and bigger person who is able to help her out. Most people would do one of the first two, but you do have the option of doing the third. Who else is going to take care of her? Leave a bureaucrat to do it?

Why does your response to her have to be perfectly reciprocal? I take care of my child the right way, even if I think 40 years from now she might abandon me as an old woman. I do it because it's my duty as a mother. It's called moral responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have had a mother like this (or you are professionally trained) I don't think you can possibly know what this feels like. It is not the same feeling as those who had parents that acted like adults and then you need to help them as they age. It is hard to explain unless you experience it.

After having my mother dependent on us in every way for quite some time and having my children experience the sadness and anxiety associated with her criticism of me combined with her constant reproach that no oneis doing anything for her, I have decided she cannot leave in our space and I have also decided to cut off finances for some time so she can manage the limited resources she has. I am also lucky to have a supportive dh who has stepped in to protect me from a lot of it and siblings who (while they find her equally toxic) are able to bear some of the physical burden.

OP - care for yourself as much as you can as one of the hallmarks of a daughter in this situation is struggle with being OK with doing the most basic self care.

GL

Pp, what situation is this? Would like to learn more.

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Many states legally disagree with you and will hold you responsible, allowing health care providers, hospitals and nursing homes to sue you directly to pay your parents' bills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think you owe her the assistance of navigating bureaucracy. I would start now.

+1

What if you know nothing about navigating bureaucracy?

You learn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think you owe her the assistance of navigating bureaucracy. I would start now.

+1

What if you know nothing about navigating bureaucracy?

It's not that hard. Honestly.
I posted before about working in this area. Medicaid SSI are made to be user friendly due to the population they overwhelmingly serve. Think about the millions of people who have little to no education who benefit from these services.
OP can definitely do it.

OP,

My MIL had no savings/income. Its actually easier in that situation. If she is out of the area, and you want to move here here there are low income senior housing and you can help her apply for food stamps, medicaid, energy assistance and more. Just be careful with the assisted living low income. We got my MIL in one but the expectation was we pay for a lot of extras - it was not affordable. I spoke with the HOC worker who could not tell me not to do it but said stuff indirectly that made us pull out (the bigger issue is my MIL also needed far more care).

Just be warned depending on her income, she may not qualify for regular medicaid. My MIL had it in her state, but when we moved her here, she was denied as the income limits were different (about $1000 social security income).

For nursing homes, long term medicaid will pay but the catch is finding a nursing home that will accept her medicaid pending. You have to find a nursing home to accept her, then get approved - you can do the paperwork in advanced but they will not approve anything. Its complicated but doable. The other catch is if she is out of state, you have to bring her here, make her a resident (i.e. live one day/night in your state) before applying for benefits. We basically moved my MIL here, took her the next day to the DMV for an ID (she lived with us for 6 months to get it done), then to social services for food stamps and medical (medical was denied but she got food stamps).

There's places for broke old people. Medicaid pays for it and the facility takes their SSA check. So don't worry about it. She's an adult it's not your problem. It's selfish on her end to even imply.

Unless you have had a mother like this (or you are professionally trained) I don't think you can possibly know what this feels like. It is not the same feeling as those who had parents that acted like adults and then you need to help them as they age. It is hard to explain unless you experience it.

After having my mother dependent on us in every way for quite some time and having my children experience the sadness and anxiety associated with her criticism of me combined with her constant reproach that no oneis doing anything for her, I have decided she cannot leave in our space and I have also decided to cut off finances for some time so she can manage the limited resources she has. I am also lucky to have a supportive dh who has stepped in to protect me from a lot of it and siblings who (while they find her equally toxic) are able to bear some of the physical burden.

OP - care for yourself as much as you can as one of the hallmarks of a daughter in this situation is struggle with being OK with doing the most basic self care.

GL

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would like to add that I am a functional adult but not because of my mother. She has always basically been a needy child who shared her adult problems with her children at a very young age and chose her boyfriends over her kids. It's hard to articulate what a subpar parent she has been. I don't think I owe her much. She birthed me but I feel like I navigated childhood and early adulthood alone.

Many of us have been in your shoes. But, that doesn't make it right to abandon your mother. As PPs have said, help her navigate the bureaucracy. And, if you can find it within yourself, give her at least some time to help with quality of life - a shopping trip a few times a year, a ride to get her hair done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think you owe her the assistance of navigating bureaucracy. I would start now.

+1

What if you know nothing about navigating bureaucracy?

I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Anonymous wrote:I do think you owe her the assistance of navigating bureaucracy. I would start now.

+1