Anonymous
Post 01/22/2016 11:46     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Just because someone "sperm donored" you shouldn't mean you are stuck with them forever. Just move on OP and don't feel so obligated. It sounds like these people suck.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 22:14     Subject: Re:Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
OP,
I can relate. My ILs suck. I do not go out of my way to see them (more than 9 hours of driving).

This year by chance a good friend invited us to spend New Year's with them and happen to live within 40 minutes if ILs. We stopped by for dinner and left after 3 hours. Otherwise would not travel just to see them.
It is always about mil's convenience, not to mention they are crazy and never turn on the heat. My oldest child was an icicle when I went to her room the last time we visited 2 years ago. If they won't turn the heat up for their 2 yr old granddaughter than no more visits.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 21:59     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Not OP but this is difficult. You can't exactly hunt one down off the street and the second you ask someone for a recommendation it's all "you don't need a babysitter/maid you have us!" And of course that does not materialize.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 20:07     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Maids are cheap in 3rd world countries. OP. Hire one to take of your kids when you are there.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 22:00     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Anonymous wrote:We had similar issues with my ILs. Now we decide where we are going - usually somewhere convenient to them. We rent our own place and let them get their own. I plan activities, etc. They are welcome to join us when they feel like it, but we don't feel like we missed out on a real vacation.


Yep this this the answer. It sucks relatives aren't helpful but you can't change them, you can only change you. Visit less or revamp visits in a way that works for you.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 20:18     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My family is all talk about all the great things they are going to do with by kids (ages 2 and 4) when we use our limited vacation time and limited travel funds to come visit, but every time it ends up the same: they don't actually do any of the things they say, show minimal interest in my kids, and I end up entertaining my kids day and night in a scenario that's more exhausting than being at home because the kids are in a different environment with a different routine. Honestly, I am tempted to stop visiting. But I don't want to cut my kids off from their relatives. What do you do?


It is your job and responsibility to take care of your children. It is not The job/responsibility of any family member. Any other family member who expects me to take care of their kids is dreaming.


your opinion isn't shared by many, many cultures out there. only in the western world do we expect parents to
fall on their own swords.




Op isn't asking for babysitting and her relatives aren't in the us.
Well, this is the expectation in the USA ergo, have no expectation that your relatives owe you even one minute of free child care
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 18:39     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
We had similar issues with my ILs. Now we decide where we are going - usually somewhere convenient to them. We rent our own place and let them get their own. I plan activities, etc. They are welcome to join us when they feel like it, but we don't feel like we missed out on a real vacation.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 18:06     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Right there with ya, OP. We keep our visits short, and don't take vacation with them.

It's not their responsibility to help, but it's exhausting for us to do it without help while operating on their time in an unfamiliar environment.

Alternate years or shorted visits. It's the only way until the kids get older and more self sufficient.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 17:54     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My family is all talk about all the great things they are going to do with by kids (ages 2 and 4) when we use our limited vacation time and limited travel funds to come visit, but every time it ends up the same: they don't actually do any of the things they say, show minimal interest in my kids, and I end up entertaining my kids day and night in a scenario that's more exhausting than being at home because the kids are in a different environment with a different routine. Honestly, I am tempted to stop visiting. But I don't want to cut my kids off from their relatives. What do you do?


It is your job and responsibility to take care of your children. It is not The job/responsibility of any family member. Any other family member who expects me to take care of their kids is dreaming.


your opinion isn't shared by many, many cultures out there. only in the western world do we expect parents to
fall on their own swords.




Well, this is the expectation in the USA ergo, have no expectation that your relatives owe you even one minute of free child care
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 17:04     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My family is all talk about all the great things they are going to do with by kids (ages 2 and 4) when we use our limited vacation time and limited travel funds to come visit, but every time it ends up the same: they don't actually do any of the things they say, show minimal interest in my kids, and I end up entertaining my kids day and night in a scenario that's more exhausting than being at home because the kids are in a different environment with a different routine. Honestly, I am tempted to stop visiting. But I don't want to cut my kids off from their relatives. What do you do?


It is your job and responsibility to take care of your children. It is not The job/responsibility of any family member. Any other family member who expects me to take care of their kids is dreaming.


your opinion isn't shared by many, many cultures out there. only in the western world do we expect parents to
fall on their own swords.


Anonymous
Post 01/19/2016 11:25     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Anonymous wrote:Ask for specific help, with guidelines:

"Mary, would you please watch Bully while I shower? You could play with the toy train set, or the coloring book in the diaper bag."

Be specific. Ask for limited times. Don't generally expect anyone to watch your kids at any given time. You don't get a vacation from being a parent.


But it doesn't sound like OP wants the relatives to babysit. The relatives promise all sorts of fun activities for the kids, but then don't follow through. All the OP wants is for the relatives to do what they promised.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 18:41     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
I wonder if I wrote this post in my sleep. This is exactly what happens when stuck at my Inlaws house. Big, specific promises but grandma and grandpa are "too sick" or "too busy at work" or mysteriously just leave the house on their own on the appointed day. I have decided that we will no longer visit until the kids are much, much older. By that point I am sure they will also be uninterested in any relationship with their grandparents, but I'm fine with that. My husband and I had talked about moving to the area where my Inlaws live to have the kids nearby and take care of my Inlaws when they're older. That's off the table forever. I hope my Inlaws are nicer to their daughter since I'm not going to help them.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 17:10     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
17:59 - in the interest of not copying your rather long winded post. Crucify me at dawn - her *family* is like my ILs. So petty and so persnickety - instead of actually having priority interest of answering OPs question in a helpful manner.

OP, PP here. I do like this PP's last sentences about planning ahead.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 17:08     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My family is all talk about all the great things they are going to do with by kids (ages 2 and 4) when we use our limited vacation time and limited travel funds to come visit, but every time it ends up the same: they don't actually do any of the things they say, show minimal interest in my kids, and I end up entertaining my kids day and night in a scenario that's more exhausting than being at home because the kids are in a different environment with a different routine. Honestly, I am tempted to stop visiting. But I don't want to cut my kids off from their relatives. What do you do?


It is your job and responsibility to take care of your children. It is not The job/responsibility of any family member. Any other family member who expects me to take care of their kids is dreaming.


You sound fun. I doubt anyone would want to visit you.


+1

Anonymous
Post 01/17/2016 17:59     Subject: Visiting family when relatives don't help with the kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is it their responsibility to entertain ur kids?
Don't you and DH do that at home anyway?
What am I missing?


NP here. OP already explained this. You need to reread the post.

OP, I get it. Your IL's are like my IL's - they only want bragging rights to say that they went on this great vacation - when in fact, it was awful, and you could have spent your limited vacation time doing other things that the kids would actually enjoy.

When my ILs do this, I do my own thing. I mean literally, let DH and the DC go with the ILs; and then I don't feel the responsibility to manage the awful week, when DC clearly do not want to be there.


Re: bold above -- I don't see where OP said that these are the in-laws. Only said "my family." Interesting for PP to assume it's in-laws and not OP's own parents/relatives.

OP, we also have family abroad and have taken our kid every year since she was born, so for nearly 15 years now. First, don't stay WITH them if you can avoid it -- if you're there long enough, and most overseas trips are long enough, then get a holiday flat or something that allows you to have your own space to return to each evening or to spend a day there having a break from family. It keeps kids on much better schedules than staying with the relatives in their own space and having to tell small kids repeatedly not to touch this or that, or worrying about steep stairs, or kids not going to bed at a decent hour because all the adults are visiting until late and it's noisy....and so forth. It is well, well worth the money to find a good weekly rental with a kitchen. They aren't always that expensive and if you build up a return relationship you may get discounts on later visits.

It's possible that your children, especially the ages they are right now, are more, well, interesting in theory than in actuality to the relatives, especially if the relatives have not been around younger kids for a very long time. The relatives may say before you come, "There's a lovely museum/aquarium/adventure park etc. and we want to take Kids there when you come!" But then the reality hits and the relatives are quickly tired out by the kids and never quite get around to it, or the kids are off their schedule so it never feels like the right time of day, or right day in the visit, to go do X or Y as mentioned. Please don't take comments about doing things as any assurance it'll happen. It is kindly meant, but sounds good to the relatives when they are happily anticipating seeing your kids, yet doesn't always materialize when you have to get the kids a meal because they're hungry right now, or it's going to take longer than anyone realized to get to the fun spot....

Yes, it's frustrating, but maybe focus instead on things like your kids spending time just coloring or doing some kid craft with the older relatives and that's the interaction for the day -- not necessarily an outing. I think maybe you go through what I go through on occasion--the feeling that "This is my vacation too and I want to do something that makes it a holiday, besides visit family/direct the kids, and it feels like my limited vacation time is ticking away on things I do at home anyway." Does that sound familiar? I get that completely. As your kids get older, you will find visits are easier, and the kids become more interesting/manageable for those who are not used to younger kids, and you will find you can do things that are more like being on holiday. I would not necessarily stop all visits until the kids are older, because in our experience, visiting each year meant our child has developed a strong sense of loving the town where our relatives live, and being at ease in the other country. But if you stop, please resume visits in a couple of years so your kids can get to know their relatives and this other place.

And OP, you can tell the relatives long before your trip, "That idea sounds great! I'll book it for Day X of the vacation. Keep that day open." If a relative talks about doing something when you come over, research it online, figure out a day of the vacation that works for that activity, even book tickets for an event etc. in advance. They suggest, you make it happen even before you get there. Be sure though that the relatives understand -- this is a set deal and they're coming. Yes, more work for you, but in advance, at least. We've done that; relative suggested trip to a particular place, we booked it from over here, we all went.