Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 15:31     Subject: Re:Brother is more successful than husband
Back to your vocation, OP. Not that I'm saying they should be picking on you, but I thought comparing siblings was where it was at for parents. Not, just people in the same 'industry'. Your husband is probably nothing like your brother, apples to oranges, so what would be the goal in comparing?

I guess they are just assholes. And maybe the gene only landed on your bro. Count yourself lucky and steer clear until your brother crashes and burns, don't worry...it'll happen.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 15:29     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about you stick up for your husband and tell your family in no uncertain terms that the comparisons must stop or they won't be seeing you and your family? If they are as blatant as you suggest, this is not difficult.


I've tried. They just laughed and told me not to take things so personally.


Follow through
Yes, let it go. This says more about them than it says about you. They are petty people who are so insecure they have to compete with family members. They have to live with the constant nagging feeling that they're not good enough unless they can lord it over someone else. Be grateful you're not like that.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 15:25     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about you stick up for your husband and tell your family in no uncertain terms that the comparisons must stop or they won't be seeing you and your family? If they are as blatant as you suggest, this is not difficult.


I've tried. They just laughed and told me not to take things so personally.


What could be more personal than these comments?

For the foreseeable future, you and DH are booked with obligations and not able to spend time with your family.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 15:23     Subject: Re:Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:And what also bothers me is that right this second, DH is more successful (just isn't being groomed and everyone sees the writing on the wall) and no one brags about him except me - and then they argue about it or sneer. I just don't get these people.


You and DH should stop sharing info with the ILs. Don't give them any ammo. And stop being a doormat. Sheesh!
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 15:17     Subject: Re:Brother is more successful than husband
All I here is excuses from you, OP. You need to put on your big girl pants, understand your family dynamics and start being a better partner to your DH. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Stop being a wimp.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 14:44     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about you stick up for your husband and tell your family in no uncertain terms that the comparisons must stop or they won't be seeing you and your family? If they are as blatant as you suggest, this is not difficult.


I've tried. They just laughed and told me not to take things so personally.


Follow through


Exactly. They sound like horrible people.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 14:35     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.


We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.


Op, this suggests years of dysfunction. Look up golden child/scapegoat and see if it applies to your family. There's a lot wrong here, and I feel like you're only beginning to clue into it.


Maybe? I was the perfect older child, but nothing was ever good enough. I don't feel like a scapegoat for anything, though. My brother is lucky his path didn't end him in jail, but they've sure crowed about his successes his entire life. So I guess he's the golden child? That's so strange, because he was always skipping school and partying underage, having casual sex, whatever. Things I never even considered doing. Can the person who breaks all the rules still be the golden child?
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2016 07:13     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about you stick up for your husband and tell your family in no uncertain terms that the comparisons must stop or they won't be seeing you and your family? If they are as blatant as you suggest, this is not difficult.


I've tried. They just laughed and told me not to take things so personally.


They're assholes. Your BROTHER needs to shut them down. Stop seeing them until this happens. The passive aggressive route would be for you to go on and on about how great your best friend's parents are, and how it's such a shame YOUR parents aren't better parents.


Oooh, I like that
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2016 07:11     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about you stick up for your husband and tell your family in no uncertain terms that the comparisons must stop or they won't be seeing you and your family? If they are as blatant as you suggest, this is not difficult.


I've tried. They just laughed and told me not to take things so personally.


Fuck 'em, then. I'd be really offended, OP. This sucks. I don't know what to tell you except this sucks
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2016 23:33     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.


We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.


Why do you waste your time on them? Why visit them or talk on the phone, etc. when you know they are going to torment you? Your mother treats you like a child and you let her.


Because I don't have anyone else.


You have your husband and your child.


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2016 21:37     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.


We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.


Why do you waste your time on them? Why visit them or talk on the phone, etc. when you know they are going to torment you? Your mother treats you like a child and you let her.


Because I don't have anyone else.


You have your husband and your child.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2016 19:49     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.


We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.


Op, this suggests years of dysfunction. Look up golden child/scapegoat and see if it applies to your family. There's a lot wrong here, and I feel like you're only beginning to clue into it.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2016 18:56     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't sulk. Calmly say "Thanks for the hospitality" and leave. They are rude people. Would Miss Manners approve? Clearly no. Do not stick around for this. Of course they'll complain about you. So what? It is not okay for you to expose your husband to this. Imagine they were saying this about one of your kids. Would your momma bear instinct put up with this? Don't let them do it to anyone in your family. Leave.


I know. But we were staying with them over Christmas - not DH, he was home working - so we couldn't just leave. And yes, I used to have more of a mama bear reaction to things like this, and everyone said I was a bitch, so I backed down.


No, you COULD leave. And THEY are being the bitches, not you. Stop putting up with this! You're teaching your children to put up with people treating THEM like shit. You set the example for them.


Theoretically we could have. But we didn't have a car (flew in, drove their spare around). I'm not making excuses, just pointing out that the line isn't always as easy people think.


Hey, I get that it's not easy. I once stayed in a hotel near my parents house rather than stay with them because I hate all their arguing THAT much. I'm not well off and it was difficult to afford. But I did it. Honestly, you truly need to create boundaries to protect yourselves. Of COURSE it's a shame to have to protect yourself from family, but it is what it is. Setting up the boundaries was the hard part for me - the parents balked at them. But then they learned this is what mine are.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2016 18:52     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.


We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.


Why do you waste your time on them? Why visit them or talk on the phone, etc. when you know they are going to torment you? Your mother treats you like a child and you let her.


Because I don't have anyone else.


OK. Your dysfunctional family has probably beaten you down over the years. However, you are a mom now and so you need to reclaim your self esteem; you seem very self aware. You need to create a supportive circle of friends as family instead.

As for your brow beating family members, just let your inner Biotch out and stand up to that craziness. Maybe then they will start showing more respect for you and your DH.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2016 18:39     Subject: Brother is more successful than husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.


We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.


Why do you waste your time on them? Why visit them or talk on the phone, etc. when you know they are going to torment you? Your mother treats you like a child and you let her.


Because I don't have anyone else.