Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 19:38     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:He cheated in 2007

1. Mostly. A lot of it is I learned to let go. He was going to do what he was going to do, and I had no control over that. But he worked really hard at changing and I think he genuinely did change (and we changed as well).
2. no. Glad we stuck it out, though there have been trying times since.
3. yes
4. That letting go thing was key. It was sort of like finding my own inner strength. There were days when it was a struggle to be married. There were days I would ask myself if it was worth it. The answer was usually yes (and sometimes it one came down to I didn't want to deal with shared custody, wanted me kids 100% of the time - that glue was enough to give me a lot of motivation). In the early days, I developed a mantra - remember, you can't count on him. It was my way of saying, stand on my own. Do whatever needed to be done on my own, and I would learn I could do it on my own. I'm not explaining this well, but it was a way to develop my own strength so that if it came to divorce, I would know I would be OK. I wanted to "take back my power" so to speak, to know that with or without him, I could handle it.

I would say "recovery" took a long time. But we've been in a really good place (without deep fights or problems) for probably 4 years or so.


19:23 here. I agree with bolded part above COMPLETELY. What you describe is exactly how I felt? The reality in any relationship is that there are no certainties. I think I knew that before my DH cheated, but afterwards I felt it strongly. As you say, it's about realizing that you are strong enough to be on your own. It's not about being too weak to leave, it's about being strong enough to stay.

But again, this can only be true if the cheater has shown through all other actions that he/she is a fundamentally decent person capable of having a healthy relationship.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 19:23     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.


For me:

1) yes
2) no
3) yes
4) I dunno. It's been 21 years since I found out DH was having an affair. The first year is very hard.

I think that it is all dependent on you, him, and your relationship. For us, I'm a forgivable sort who tends to think everyone is flawed in many ways and who thinks that having an affair is not the worst thing you can do in a relationship. (That doesn't mean I don't think it's awful, and it definitely doesn't mean I would have put up with ongoing cheating.) I'm not a romantic, I never believed in one true love or anything like that. My DH was very remorseful, wanted to stay married, and was willing to do whatever I needed to make it work. We had been happily married but had been going through a very tough time when he cheated, so I guess that made it more forgivable in a way.

Anyway, no regrets. He's been a great husband, partner, father. We have a good life together. I'm glad I stayed.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 19:10     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, why does your DH want to stay with you?

I'm good in bed? J/K. He loves me.


News Flash - He doesn't love you, he loves the person he thought you were but now it's clear that that person was a fake construct you created. At one year out, he is still trying to assess whether he even really knows who you are. Once he feels like he knows the real you, he will decide if he loves that person.

The old marriage you had - it's over. That includes the love he had for you. It may happen that he falls in love with you again or he may not, but even if he does, it will never be the same as the love he had for you before.

What's saddest about that isn't the loss it represents for him (which is huge), but the loss it is for you that you never revealed your real self to him and thus cut your real self off from love.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 18:40     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:2.Yes, it took awhile to trust again.
2.Glad I didn't get divorced. Didn't want the other woman to get my DH and his money. I wanted my kid to go to a private school and Harvard
3.Marriage is better now
4. I should have been nicer and been willing to have more sex so that DH didn't look elsewhere. We are still BFFs after the affair. Many years ago.


OMG ... I sincerely hope this is just a troll. What a chump.


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 18:34     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:OP, why does your DH want to stay with you?

I'm good in bed? J/K. He loves me.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 17:18     Subject: Re:People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anyway, I'm quoting this above because her mantra "remember, you can't count on him" and her attitude, knowing that she can do it on my own, developing her own strength, standing on her own without her husband. , is exactly one that I've also taken. I'm trying to take back my power. I wonder if this isn't the wrong attitude to take as the cheater, I should probably be asking what I need from him, what I need to give him, rather than fostering greater independence.


Of course you need to ask what you need from him... you can't expect him to know what you want without you telling him. You have to communicate your needs to him (which are different than wants).

I think the goal is Interdependence, not independence, not codependency. You need to create/foster your relationship so that you work to help each other be better people. (Google Interdependence vs codependency)

He does need to work to be a better husband, everybody does, nobody ever actually reaches the top of that mountain.

But you cut open the marriage, there is a gaping wound now.... triage requires that wound to be stitched first and foremost (not totally healed but at least stitched and on it's way to being healed), then you can fix the warts.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 16:03     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
OP, why does your DH want to stay with you?
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 15:51     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:Op, two questions. We're you caught or did you confess? What were your feelings for the OW? I read about cheating a lot and it always seems like the wayward husband wants to stay married, which confuses me because if his marriage was so valuable to him why would he have endangered it in the first place?


OP here. Caught after it was over. Full confession. Feeling for OM, very positive. Why did I endanger it in the first place? I'd stopped caring about my husband.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 15:49     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:He cheated in 2007

1. Mostly. A lot of it is I learned to let go. He was going to do what he was going to do, and I had no control over that. But he worked really hard at changing and I think he genuinely did change (and we changed as well).
2. no. Glad we stuck it out, though there have been trying times since.
3. yes
4. That letting go thing was key. It was sort of like finding my own inner strength. There were days when it was a struggle to be married. There were days I would ask myself if it was worth it. The answer was usually yes (and sometimes it one came down to I didn't want to deal with shared custody, wanted me kids 100% of the time - that glue was enough to give me a lot of motivation). In the early days, I developed a mantra - remember, you can't count on him. It was my way of saying, stand on my own. Do whatever needed to be done on my own, and I would learn I could do it on my own. I'm not explaining this well, but it was a way to develop my own strength so that if it came to divorce, I would know I would be OK. I wanted to "take back my power" so to speak, to know that with or without him, I could handle it.

I would say "recovery" took a long time. But we've been in a really good place (without deep fights or problems) for probably 4 years or so.


OP here.

I find it so interesting that I'm getting better, fuller responses once you found out I was the cheater.

Yes, I'm being transparent. Yes, we are in therapy. Yes, I am in individual therapy. And yes, there were marital issues before. And no, I am not blaming my spouse for my cheating. But yes, WE are working hard (somebody objected to me saying that). He doesn't get a free pass in the marriage because I cheated. I might have to own my affair, but we own the marriage together.

Anyway, I'm quoting this above because her mantra "remember, you can't count on him" and her attitude, knowing that she can do it on my own, developing her own strength, standing on her own without her husband. , is exactly one that I've also taken. I'm trying to take back my power. I wonder if this isn't the wrong attitude to take as the cheater, I should probably be asking what I need from him, what I need to give him, rather than fostering greater independence.

But, really, I don't want to be in the place, nor do I want my husband to be in the place, a few years from now, thinking that we should have divorced sooner rather than later. And I worry that no matter how hard I work that might happen.

Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 15:38     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Op, two questions. We're you caught or did you confess? What were your feelings for the OW? I read about cheating a lot and it always seems like the wayward husband wants to stay married, which confuses me because if his marriage was so valuable to him why would he have endangered it in the first place?
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 15:01     Subject: Re:People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This thread is pretty depressing. My husband had an affair that ended back in the summer and I am trying to work on things and stay together because we have little kids and I feel like he and the kids are my family. We have been together 20 years. I don't know if we are going to make it because he just seems completely unable to realize that he is at fault for at least 50% of our problems before the affair, and he just seems to want to dwell on my perceived shortcomings. It's insane, and I think he really feels justified in having the affair though he cries and says he is remorseful and ashamed. I don't want a divorce or to split custody, etc., but I don't think I can live forever in this world of his where all that needs to happen is for me to be more nurturing (long story, but I can be emotionally distant at times - coping mechanism I learned growing up in a completely batshit family). Luckily, I make enough money to be okay, though not flush, if we part ways.

I want to believe there can be a happy ending. I hope there are some posters who can provide hope.


I found it curious that his 50% are there for sure, while your shortcomings are perceived. (By him, I presume.)


I'm the quoted PP. I take full responsibility for my part in our marital problems. As I mentioned, I can be emotionally distant. I also had severe PPD and basically broke down, and believed the world would be better off without me. I thus went through a period where I was not available emotionally and I am sure he must have felt very lonely. I pulled myself out of that and am working hard with a therapist to be the best person I can be, including mother and wife. I have spent countless hours crying about how I missed opportunities to demonstrate love and I have sincerely apologized to my husband. But he won't acknowledge his contributions- which include complete lack of support when I was going through PPD, and very irresponsible behavior on many financial fronts. We both contributed to our marital issues, so we BOTH need to do the work. But I don't think he really believes that.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 14:08     Subject: Re:People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:This thread is pretty depressing. My husband had an affair that ended back in the summer and I am trying to work on things and stay together because we have little kids and I feel like he and the kids are my family. We have been together 20 years. I don't know if we are going to make it because he just seems completely unable to realize that he is at fault for at least 50% of our problems before the affair, and he just seems to want to dwell on my perceived shortcomings. It's insane, and I think he really feels justified in having the affair though he cries and says he is remorseful and ashamed. I don't want a divorce or to split custody, etc., but I don't think I can live forever in this world of his where all that needs to happen is for me to be more nurturing (long story, but I can be emotionally distant at times - coping mechanism I learned growing up in a completely batshit family). Luckily, I make enough money to be okay, though not flush, if we part ways.

I want to believe there can be a happy ending. I hope there are some posters who can provide hope.


I found it curious that his 50% are there for sure, while your shortcomings are perceived. (By him, I presume.)
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 13:29     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:He cheated in 2007

1. Mostly. A lot of it is I learned to let go. He was going to do what he was going to do, and I had no control over that. But he worked really hard at changing and I think he genuinely did change (and we changed as well).
2. no. Glad we stuck it out, though there have been trying times since.
3. yes
4. That letting go thing was key. It was sort of like finding my own inner strength. There were days when it was a struggle to be married. There were days I would ask myself if it was worth it. The answer was usually yes (and sometimes it one came down to I didn't want to deal with shared custody, wanted me kids 100% of the time - that glue was enough to give me a lot of motivation). In the early days, I developed a mantra - remember, you can't count on him. It was my way of saying, stand on my own. Do whatever needed to be done on my own, and I would learn I could do it on my own. I'm not explaining this well, but it was a way to develop my own strength so that if it came to divorce, I would know I would be OK. I wanted to "take back my power" so to speak, to know that with or without him, I could handle it.

I would say "recovery" took a long time. But we've been in a really good place (without deep fights or problems) for probably 4 years or so.


I answered before reading the thread, and now I see you are the cheater. Well. I think you got a lot of good advice on page 2 of the thread. No one should stay if the cheater is not fully open and willing to accept responsibility. The hard part is the spouse who has been cheated on also has to accept some responsibility- not for the cheating, but for creating a new marriage out of the old. If the cheated upon spouse won't move past the hurt, the marriage cannot survive (or I guess it can but it sure can't thrive).

You cannot put a timeline on it. There is no threshold you pass where everything is ok again. But there is a point where you can say, we've been through all this and I know how much I messed up, but if we're to survive and thrive, we need to move forward. We did marriage counseling, and on our own read a lot of books. My husband sincerely worked on himself and his issues. I genuinely believe he did - but if I did not, if there was the slightest hint he did not, or he was not 100% honest, we could not have remained married.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 13:20     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
He cheated in 2007

1. Mostly. A lot of it is I learned to let go. He was going to do what he was going to do, and I had no control over that. But he worked really hard at changing and I think he genuinely did change (and we changed as well).
2. no. Glad we stuck it out, though there have been trying times since.
3. yes
4. That letting go thing was key. It was sort of like finding my own inner strength. There were days when it was a struggle to be married. There were days I would ask myself if it was worth it. The answer was usually yes (and sometimes it one came down to I didn't want to deal with shared custody, wanted me kids 100% of the time - that glue was enough to give me a lot of motivation). In the early days, I developed a mantra - remember, you can't count on him. It was my way of saying, stand on my own. Do whatever needed to be done on my own, and I would learn I could do it on my own. I'm not explaining this well, but it was a way to develop my own strength so that if it came to divorce, I would know I would be OK. I wanted to "take back my power" so to speak, to know that with or without him, I could handle it.

I would say "recovery" took a long time. But we've been in a really good place (without deep fights or problems) for probably 4 years or so.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 13:11     Subject: People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.


OP here. Just so you all know. I'm the cheater. I'm also finding this thread depressing, partly because we are working very hard, and partly because I know I'm still not trustworthy.


In all honesty, tough shit. You violated the marriage so now your spouse needs the time to deal with this ultimate act of betrayal.