You should let your cousins know that you will come if you are available when they decide. If you are not available, don't come.

You and DH should not commit your time until something is agreed upon.

This sounds like it may be a cultural difference, which is fine, it happens. People learn how to interact with each other and renegotiate expectations.

Anonymous wrote:I agree I need some compromise.
In one of my post, I said the reason why I want to see my family. I just repeat it here for some of you didn't read all my post.
I see in-law parents way more than I see my family. My MIL comes to my house every Friday night. We see FIL almost every month ( they are divorced). If I count, it would 64 times we see ILs a year comparing to 6 times seeing my own family.
We never host any party with my family because my house is too small for 9 adults and 3 kids. Pretty much my house is just big enough for everyone to sit let alone a big table to have dinner on.
I think I have done enough for DH's family that it is fair for me to complain about his complains.

OP

Is your family coming in from out of state? I still don't see any reason why you can't control the planning. Why does it have to be how ever many relatives all at once finding the perfect date and time to all be changed when it doesn't work. Why can't you have scheduled plans with your parents or your siblings to come over for dinner at your house? What about the summer months when people can eat outside, can you guys throw a bbq when people can get there different times and that's okay and you have people outside with hopefully more space.

As far as DH's family, it's hard to say if you can compare the situations. DH's complaint is that your family isn't respectful of your time and yet you are expected to accept that and jump to their command. You have only pointed out the DH's family schedules things and presumably wants to see you guys enough that they do so on a fixed schedule like once a week or once a month and doesn't require it to be all the relatives for them to see you. While I can see how the argument can be made that you put in a lot of effort to host his family that he can deal with the frustrations of yours it isn't a fair comparison of behavior. If DH's parents were flaky with plans or you invited your relatives (smaller groupings) on a regular schedule and DH complained about them always being around then I would say you every right to say wtf.

Bottom line, would DH prefer to have your family over your house more in smaller pairings with you guys hosting or prefer to wait for the relatives to make big group plans that change like the wind? If he prefers the big gatherings and not being the host/planning small gathering what is the number of flaky plans he can deal with without complaining? You are right that your relatives aren't going to change and DH isn't going to change but you have to come up with a solution that allows you to see your relatives a decent amount yet lets your DH feel like he has control of his own schedule. I have a relative that when we came in town and try to find a good time to see them, not only was vague but last minute said they could only see us first thing in the morning and the visit lasted for 30 minutes (with the new baby/our nephew/children's cousin). Oh and let me add the other side of the family had spent hours with the baby. I think the first time I went along with it. The next time I let DH go with the kids and slept in. I did not like the feeling of being dictated to. It's the feeling of being told to do something versus asked. DH is willing to do so for his sibling but he realizes it isn't fair to ask me to do so every time. The thing is now I am actually relaxed and not bothered when I do deal with this relative I think because of all the times I haven't had to deal with it.

I agree I need some compromise.
In one of my post, I said the reason why I want to see my family. I just repeat it here for some of you didn't read all my post.
I see in-law parents way more than I see my family. My MIL comes to my house every Friday night. We see FIL almost every month ( they are divorced). If I count, it would 64 times we see ILs a year comparing to 6 times seeing my own family.
We never host any party with my family because my house is too small for 9 adults and 3 kids. Pretty much my house is just big enough for everyone to sit let alone a big table to have dinner on.
I think I have done enough for DH's family that it is fair for me to complain about his complains.

OP

Anonymous wrote:So I had a conversation with DH about this complain. I basically said "I understand it is frustrated for you when my cousins don't stick with their plan. I already told them that you don't like the last minute changing plan. There is nothing else I can do about it. If they change the plan and affect our plan then it is fair that we will not go but if it doesn't and you don't want to go then I will go without you. I did my part. Now I don't want to hear your complain about this anymore. It makes me feel terrible." He replied "I don't care of them anymore. I will make our plan without consider them because I can predict almost every time they want to get together (Christmas, New Year, kids birthday, long weekend) and I have putting a side the time waiting for them to tell us the plan. I hate to do this to family"
Now that I feel bad because I feel like he will purposely plan something on those days so he won't have us go see my family. My husband is pretty good of making me feel bad but he refuses hat because he didn't say it, I am just making assumption. Having a conversation about some issue with my husband never ends with good feeling. I'm so sick of this but if I stop communicating, it is going to be ended in divorcing.

OP

Okay, to some extent you are getting closer to a compromise. For things not on major holidays and events you have an agreed upon plan. Now what to do on major holidays and events? While it isn't fair for DH to block it off early, it also isn't fair to keep it open for the hopes of last minute plans from your relatives. I think the only fair thing is to alternate holidays. If this year you are going to have Christmas with your family and all the last minute plans, then next year let your DH make Christmas plans. Doesn't he have parents or siblings he would like to see? Does he like to do a quiet Christmas at home. Would he be willing to host at your house? Since Christmas and New Years is so close, if you have Christmas with your parents, cousins, and sibling, let New Years be with just you and your spouse and kids. I am guessing but it seems like the double whammy for your DH is that you want to do everything with your family and never be left out which leaves less time for him to do things with his friends and family or just make plans with just you guys AND your are literally hanging by the cell phone waiting to hear the plans, the change in plans, the change to the change in plans etc. You have to meet your DH halfway and be content if you miss things with your family and to make plans with just your DH and kids and he has to be flexible that the X times of year he has to deal with the flakiness (meditate, pray on it, psych himself up that the plans are just a starting point ...whatever) and not complain.

Not to get things down to an exact science but say you want to see your family once a month - roughly. Then maybe half of those times can be events and the other half should be low key like going out for a cup of tea, or stopping by ..things that don't require a lot of planning. Of the six events you do each year, maybe half include the husband and kids and half just the kids. Your DH is on the hook for 3 times a year. Your kids see your family atleast every two months and you see everyone once a month both formally and informally

Well, I'm not op, and I did write some of them. Just saying....

If you read the last 6 posts they all are written in the same way. I'm just saying....

Anonymous wrote:The last 6 posts are from you Op?

You think OP has multiple personalities, and they like to talk to each other on DCUM?