Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:31     Subject: I hate my own sister
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I understand that you don't like her behavior but you are projecting too much. This isn't happening to you.


Do you understand what "projecting" means?

She projected herself into the position of the wife, and is as angry with her sister as if this was happening to her. It's not healthy, she needs to let the sister learn from this.


It is doubtful that Op ever thought that a single woman cheating with a married man with small children was ever o.k. She isn't so much as projecting as saying "Wow. Even if the wife and kids seemed abstract to sis you would think that she wouldn't do something like this because she has seen me with my husband and kids."

If Op's sister was going around kicking puppies, Op would be horrified *especially* since she and sis grew up around dogs - you would think she would care about them more.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:24     Subject: Re:I hate my own sister
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I get what you mean, PP, about the wife / child being an abstract, but I'm the same age as the wife and my child is the same age as their child, so I would hope that she could empathize a little more.

Also, I get that she was dumped in a shitty way, but they've been dating for one month. I have ketchup in my fridge older than that.


You made this about you. You need to work on your own insecurity and marriage issues rather than focusing your energy on your sister. She is an adult and manage her sex life without you.


Op doesn't care about her sister's sex life. Op hasn't mentioned a thing about her sister's sex life. Op is very concerned that her single and available little sister is playing house with a MARRIED man and father of a young child in the hopes that he will leave his wife and child for her after only knowing him for one month. ONE month.



Or rather, OP is freaked out about the same happening to her
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:19     Subject: I hate my own sister
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I understand that you don't like her behavior but you are projecting too much. This isn't happening to you.


Do you understand what "projecting" means?

She projected herself into the position of the wife, and is as angry with her sister as if this was happening to her. It's not healthy, she needs to let the sister learn from this.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:18     Subject: I hate my own sister
Anonymous wrote:I understand that you don't like her behavior but you are projecting too much. This isn't happening to you.


Do you understand what "projecting" means?
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:17     Subject: I hate my own sister
When someone you love is doing something stupid, you should not just look at your feet and pretend that all is well. When you love someone, when you care about their well being you do your best to talk some sense into them.

Their new married boyfriend may not know what a wonderful person sis is but YOU do.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:14     Subject: I hate my own sister
I understand that you don't like her behavior but you are projecting too much. This isn't happening to you.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:13     Subject: I hate my own sister
Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister sounds young, immature, naive, foolish, gullible, etc... Many of us were that once and grew up. Some of us are always that foolish.

There's not much you can do to change your sister.

You can, however, totally alienate her, invest waaay too much of your own energy into this mess, lose your perspective and jeapordize your own calm, etc...

I think you are way too involved, too harsh in your judgments, and very unforgiving. It sounds like you have long standing resentment or judgment of your sister.

I think you should figuratively walk away. It's her life - let her live it. You don't have to condone her actions, but you also don't have to condemn her. You might want a relationship with her in 10 or 20 years, or your kids might want a relationship someday.

I also think you might benefit from talking this through w/ an impartial third party - like a counselor. Someone who can help you separate some of the emotion and personal reactions from a plan for actually managing to watch this go on in your family.

Good luck.


+1. OP, simmer down.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:08     Subject: I hate my own sister
Op's sister is accountable for her own actions. We don't know how much older this guy is. Maybe she's 23 and he's 25. Would it be o.k. for Op's sister to be involved in actively breaking up the marriage of this young married father? No.

Same holds true if this guy is 35 or 45.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:01     Subject: I hate my own sister

Oops!

A college professor once told ME...
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:00     Subject: Re:I hate my own sister
Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I get what you mean, PP, about the wife / child being an abstract, but I'm the same age as the wife and my child is the same age as their child, so I would hope that she could empathize a little more.

Also, I get that she was dumped in a shitty way, but they've been dating for one month. I have ketchup in my fridge older than that.



A college professor once told her that young women are flattered when older men show interest and think it's because they are so mature. She warned that it's usually that the man is immature. Maybe by framing it to her perspective rather than yours, she'll see him for the loser he is. Of course he's putting forth his best for her, but it's not who he is. He's a jerk who will abandon a commitment. She'll see his warts down the road. THIS is what you want to spare her. If he were really the man he professes to be, he would already have been done with his wife and would have cleared the way for a new relationship. It's NOT his circumstance, it's his character. You're on her side in this, OP. Hopefully she'll see that.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 11:54     Subject: I hate my own sister
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She's really young. You said your piece and now have to let her make this mistake.


Did OP ever say how old her sister is, or just that she's much younger than OP?


OP again. Suffice it to say she is old enough to drink legally (21) and too young to rent a car on her own (25). I don't want to give an exact age because I feel like I've probably already revealed too much.


It's not her age. This is a character flaw.


Thank you!

I was about to post the same thing. Age isn't making her behave like this.

This may be harsh but I would refuse to be a part of it meaning no conversations about him , he's not welcome at your home or events you host.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 11:53     Subject: I hate my own sister
Ha. O.k. so Op's sister decides to invest her energy into breaking up the marriage of a young couple with a small child...Op is horrified that her sister would ever stoop so low. And *OP* is the one who should be in counseling?

No. Op is right. Her sister's behavior is very disappointing.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 11:48     Subject: I hate my own sister
OP, your sister sounds young, immature, naive, foolish, gullible, etc... Many of us were that once and grew up. Some of us are always that foolish.

There's not much you can do to change your sister.

You can, however, totally alienate her, invest waaay too much of your own energy into this mess, lose your perspective and jeapordize your own calm, etc...

I think you are way too involved, too harsh in your judgments, and very unforgiving. It sounds like you have long standing resentment or judgment of your sister.

I think you should figuratively walk away. It's her life - let her live it. You don't have to condone her actions, but you also don't have to condemn her. You might want a relationship with her in 10 or 20 years, or your kids might want a relationship someday.

I also think you might benefit from talking this through w/ an impartial third party - like a counselor. Someone who can help you separate some of the emotion and personal reactions from a plan for actually managing to watch this go on in your family.

Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 11:44     Subject: Re:I hate my own sister
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You forgot to tell her the most important things. One, the relationship has started out on a lie and he will lie to her with ease in the future. Two, the lack of thought and empathy he displays for his child and family, will soon enough rear its head in her relationship with him. Three, even if his marriage was dead, he comes with a lot of baggage and has had no time to process or reflect.

I would stop the moralizing and try to give her some valuable advice.


Well, yes. It is his complete lack of character combined with her lack of empathy for the young wife and small children of this man and her inability to see this guy for what he really is and how he USED her.

It's just such a mistake on so many levels. If the guy was up front about it all and was legally separated that would be more understandable. But this guy LIED big time.


OP again.

I agree completely, PP. So, she is saying, so if we're in love and he does leave his wife, then I can date him, right? She just doesn't get it. What started out with in lies and deceit, will never be good and he'll eventually do the same to her. Not to mention that she will then have played a role in breaking up this family. I don't blame her for not knowing. It's only been a month. I can understand being young and naive and not seeing the signs for one month. But now that she knows, in my opinion, it is inexcusable to even so much as talk to him.

I posted on this board because I am truly having a hard time sitting in the same room as her without wanting to talk some sense into her. We don't live together, but we live in the same neighborhood and we see each other all the time.


You are making this just a bit too much about you. She is very young and the fact that she is discussing this with you tells me she is trying to process it. She has a connection with the guy, emotions are involved, and it's actually perfectly normal to think maybe it can work. You need to be firm with her, but also loving. The most important thing right now is to get her disentangled from this mess.


After one month of dating? Really?
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 11:43     Subject: Re:I hate my own sister
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I get what you mean, PP, about the wife / child being an abstract, but I'm the same age as the wife and my child is the same age as their child, so I would hope that she could empathize a little more.

Also, I get that she was dumped in a shitty way, but they've been dating for one month. I have ketchup in my fridge older than that.


You made this about you. You need to work on your own insecurity and marriage issues rather than focusing your energy on your sister. She is an adult and manage her sex life without you.


OP again. I posted this earlier in the thread:

My best friend's husband cheated on her and I personally witnessed the heartache and devastation that it brought to - not just her - but their whole family.

I'm very fortunate to be married to a very good man whom I trust and who trusts me. We're not perfect but we do trust each other.