Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP.

I feel like DH could have been present more if he wanted to. He works from home and has more leave than he could ever use. His boss encouraged him to take time off. He declined. He splits custody 50/50 with his kids' mom. She offered to keep them on his scheduled weekends if needed. He declined. His grad school classes are online so it's not like he had to be somewhere at a specific time. It just seems like he could have been there more if it was important to him. Rationally I know that he didn't need to be there, there was nothing he could do, etc. My experience with family in the hospital is that you stay with them as much as you can but I get that everyone doesn't operate this way.

We don't have local family and my closest friends aren't here either so I was really dependent him. I felt incredibly guilty asking him to stay longer because I recognized that life was still going on even if I was stuck in the hospital. It was just a tough situation all around. I'm not angry at him now and I wasn't then.

Eventually I asked my mom to fly here and she did. When she arrived he checked out completely, which I guess also contributes to how I feel about the whole experience now.

Anonymous wrote:Oh the drama, OP!
He should have abandoned his kids, his work, his online study, ... you felt abandoned... really?

Anonymous wrote:He's a great husband otherwise, right?
I would talk your feelings over with him. Find out what he was thinking from his perspective.
Men are problem solvers. It may well be that he thought he was taking care of everyone by visiting you for an hour and keeping up the routine at home all by himself.
I can totally see my DH doing this and he's a great guy.
Don't let this ruin your marriage. Talk to him calmly, tell him how it made you feel, hear his perspective.
Keep in mind: they are practical problem solvers.

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you communicate to your DH that you needed him there? Did he know how you felt?

And why on earth haven't you talked to him about this? What are you afraid of?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Your dh was working, in grad school, had to care for 2 kids all by himself while you were sick. Pls put it in perspective. 1 hr a day was probably already hard to fit in. I know because I was on bedrest at the hospital for 3 months and my dh had to shoulder so much when I was gone. See things from his perspective.

Ditto. Did you actually expect him to drop his class and ignore his kids? If so, you have unrealistic expectations. Were you on death's doorstep? If not, I wouldn't expect anymore than he already did.

OP, I have to agree with the PPs. You sound selfish. Yes, I realized that when some women get pregnant, it's all about them. Babymoon, gifts, shopping, etc.

I too was on bedrest and I appreciated DH coming to visit everyday even if it was for a short time. The situation was reversed couple of years later when DH was hospitalized for an illness. It was exhausting everyday, to leave work, drive in traffic to the hospital, find parking, visiting then going home, preparing dinner, taking care of DC. Repeat the next day. I think OP needs to grow up.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I appreciate what you're feeling, but I also think it's one of those situations where you have to consider your own bias to the situation, talk about it with your husband to clear the air, and move on.

Hospital hours are long hours, especially since I'm assuming you weren't acutely ill and healing, but being monitored for safety. Add in feeling worried and scared, I reckon that every hour felt like 3. It's a long time to feel lonely and you wonder how you can wait out the days.

That being said, life on the outside clips along at its usual crazy pace, and when you add in the extra work, etc. That come along with having a spouse in the hospital, the reality is time gets crunched even more. You feel like each hour is harried and only a half hour long and you wonder how you'll get it all done.

A lot of the experience is a matter of perspective.

I'm not trying to defend your husband, but you may also need to consider his side of things. Most hospitals have set visiti hours, so he was already limited to when he could come. Depending on how far the hospital is from your house, and other factors, youstill need to factor in how long it took him to get here, park, get home, etc. Those one hour visits may have taken two hours of time or more. Of course, you're there feeling like it's just an hour.. He's trying to fit in an extra two or more, into what, by your own post, sounds like a really time crunched schedule as it is.

I understand that there is nothing worse than being left alone, scared and with our own thoughts of fear, worry, and doubt. Unfortunately, every person eventually has to come to terms with the committee in their head. It sounds as though y have other fears or biases against the family he already has and where you and your new baby fit into that. You need *for yourself* to come to terms with that. Blended families are hard, and often the first step is learning not to compete.

I suspect both you and your husband did your best, under the circumstances, but unfortunately, sometimes it's impossible to meet everyone's needs all the time. That is part of the bittersweet part about life - truly, at the end of your day, the only person experiencing what you are is you.

Please have an honest, open discussion with your husband and let him know how you felt, but be open to his side too. I think he discussion needs to be had to move on, but you need to that in is case, there really are two completely different perspectives. Hear each other out, and move on. Get help for your own process on it, if need be, but I don't really see a great divide here, unless you make the choice to make it one.

In the end, I am happy everything worked out for you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP.

I feel like DH could have been present more if he wanted to. He works from home and has more leave than he could ever use. His boss encouraged him to take time off. He declined. He splits custody 50/50 with his kids' mom. She offered to keep them on his scheduled weekends if needed. He declined. His grad school classes are online so it's not like he had to be somewhere at a specific time. It just seems like he could have been there more if it was important to him. Rationally I know that he didn't need to be there, there was nothing he could do, etc. My experience with family in the hospital is that you stay with them as much as you can but I get that everyone doesn't operate this way.

We don't have local family and my closest friends aren't here either so I was really dependent him. I felt incredibly guilty asking him to stay longer because I recognized that life was still going on even if I was stuck in the hospital. It was just a tough situation all around. I'm not angry at him now and I wasn't then.

Eventually I asked my mom to fly here and she did. When she arrived he checked out completely, which I guess also contributes to how I feel about the whole experience now.