I would help if I could and I would hope I raised my children in such a way that there is not resentment. You also may revisit what you would do to help your younger DD when the time for grad school comes if it does for her. Circumstances change and that is life. You are not reneging on your commitment to pay for UG for either, you are considering whether to help your older child out in a specific way and her earlier choices made this a financially feasible option for you.

My parents paid for UG for me and my two siblings at good state schools. I paid for my own law school. My mother paid off all of my younger sister's grad school debt because she was (is) a writer who did (does) not make much money.

My mother offered to pay off my loans to even things up but I had paid off my debt. She did help us out when we had two children in daycare at once, which was a godsend and meant the world to me.

My mother has helped our other sister out in many ways over the years when needed, she did not go to grad school.

It is clear within our family that my mother has helped the youngest out the most financially and I can say with no reservations that we (my older sister and I) do not care or think it unfair. My mother cares very much about fairness so there is no underlying issue of favoritism.

Anonymous wrote:NP here. ^physician assistant.

OP, my concern is that your younger child might have selected private college based on the assumption that it would not affect financial arrangements for grad school. You seem to be changing the rules of the game in mid stream. You should be ready to explain that to your younger child.

This!!

This is so dependent upon your children as people.

I'm the younger sibling, paid for grad school on my own, but went to a slightly more expensive public school than my older sibling. My parents paid for both of our undergrad educations.

My older sibling, as it turned out, went to PA school after all was said and done with my undergrad and grad. My parents were in a position to her help out (a little, but not all), so they did.

I don't feel as though it was unfair or I was cheated out of anything. My sibling is now in a field she really loves and my parents didn't have to sacrifice any retirement funds to help.

It's not my money, therefore not my business. My parents paid for 4 years of college, which was huge in helping me become a financially independent person.

I wouldn't assume there'd be resentment on the part of the younger child. Of course, you know your kids best.

I would, but only if I could afford to give them both help with grad school, whether it's paying in full or just partial assistance. I wouldn't offer help to only one and then not the other. They've been treated fairly up to this point. Each went to the school of their choice, each had their tuition paid in full by you, each has no debt after graduation from college.

Yes I would help out. And if the younger protests and they want to go into a promising grad school track like PA school, I'd help pay that too. You don't have to cover it all, but I'd give what feel comfortable giving.


Paying for schooling is the BEST GIFT you can give your children.

If you could afford it, it would be great to help the oldest with her ambition, but if you're steadfest in what you have said about not paying for grad school then you should expect to stick to your guns with that comment. The decision is really what feels right to you.

Would you feel guilty if you saw your DD drown in student loans or working 2 PT jobs to support herself through PA school?

If you can live with the answers to those questions and the feelings associated with them then you should have a pretty clear picture what is best for your family scenario.

There's always the chance that your private college UG DC would want to go to grad school so keep in mind that there may be future expectations for "fairness" too if you pay for 1 and not the other.

Anonymous wrote:You paid for your first daughter to go to the UG school of HER choice.

You are paying for second daughter to the UG school of HER choice.

Sounds pretty equal to me.

It seems to me there are two questions--

1) do you have to be "equal",

2) how do you calculate "equal"?


I'm not convinced the answer to 1 is "yes" so I am less concerned about 2.

Anonymous wrote:You paid for your first daughter to go to the UG school of HER choice.

You are paying for second daughter to the UG school of HER choice.

Sounds pretty equal to me.

Exactly. And, frankly, if your younger kid finds out that you paid for graduate school for her sibling, she might well be resentful, since you changed the terms of the agreement. Maybe she would have gone to a state school, too, if she knew that meant graduate school would be covered. In any case, I agree that making it about how much money you spent will teach your kids to keep score and set a bad precedent. You gave them the same thing--a fully funded college education. Save the money in case something happens such that one of them really needs the money (medical problems, etc.), rather than spending it now just to even out how many checks you've written.

You paid for your first daughter to go to the UG school of HER choice.

You are paying for second daughter to the UG school of HER choice.

Sounds pretty equal to me.

Anonymous wrote:
Funny, we paid for our oldest to go to Notre Dame while the other went to a private school one year that was too easy so transferred back to a top state school. Without saying so we did help her out in graduate school years with purchase of a basic car which did even things out more or less. She chose BU for a well regarded professional grad school program and owed $55,000 which she paid off down to $7,000 in eight years+ years including marrying, getting a first home and having two kids all from her paycheck and wanted to continue when DH wisely said just to get rid of the debt. Meanwhile our oldest daughter was mostly funded at a top other state school in her field and owed maybe $20,000 and while three years ahead in school finally paid of her little balance while earning a lot more. We actually did pay just about the same for both girls weddings since in our home town, same location and similar vendors. The key is often not what is offered as much as whether the college student/young adult learns how to handle money.

I agree with the PP. I think I would have either set things up so there is x amount of money that can be used for undergraduate and grad school and allow them to make a decision about how it spent between the two, so there is incentive to get scholarships, go cheaper for undergrad etc. if they think it worth debt free/low debt for grad school OR make an offer like they could live at home for a year afterwards to save money to help pay off the grad school debt. There are also other smaller things like paying car insurance or helping out with the rent that still makes your child responsible for the debt of going for this grad degree and having the responsibility to get a job to pay it off but it doesn't make things quite as tough as if they had to pay for everything themselves.

Do it as a loan and you can always forgive the loan later if you want to.

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child went to an instate university (this is the school she wanted to go, wasn't "settling" based on price). She will graduate this spring and plans to attend PA school. My second oldest child began UG at a private college this fall. The difference is about $18k/year. We have always told our kids they are on their own for any grad school, however I am wondering what posters think I should do regarding this situation. Would you offer the oldest child $18k/year to put towards her PA schooling?

I would first suggest she look into Grad Assistantships / Teaching Assistantships, etc.. She may be able to land something that would pay her tuition in addition to a small stipend.

I had 3 much older siblings who all went to grad school. My parents paid. My siblings have no idea how much angst there was in the house re the finances because of it, and how it affected ME day-to-day. I didn't care so much about the (eventual) inequity in spending for me, as I resented knowing that the spending was a hardship.

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child went to an instate university (this is the school she wanted to go, wasn't "settling" based on price). She will graduate this spring and plans to attend PA school. My second oldest child began UG at a private college this fall. The difference is about $18k/year. We have always told our kids they are on their own for any grad school, however I am wondering what posters think I should do regarding this situation. Would you offer the oldest child $18k/year to put towards her PA schooling?

I feel like this is something you should have told your youngest when she was a junior so she could potentially have mad the decision to go instate herself

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kids were good students, with a good head on their shoulders and a good plan for their future I'd help however I could. Why wouldnt you?

I can see arguments either way but at the end of the day I agree with this.

In my family 1 kid went to a cheap grad school, one kid went to an expensive grad school and one skipped grad school. I think my parents helped the two who went to grad school, and has helped the other kid send their kids to private school. I dont think anyone is keeping score-- rather my parents value education and would prefer their kids not go into debt for it if they can avoid it without sacrifice.

But your parents helped each of their children with something education-related. OP appears to be talking about offering grad school money to only one child, and not the other.

I should clarify perhaps that those payments were not at the same time-- I dobt think my parents had a certain amount they were planning to spend on each of us-- things worked out that way but they also could have worked out differently, and given the cost of 20 years tuition at private school vs cheap grad school it would be silly to suggest that we were treated "equally" if anyone really was keeping score.