Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 20:41     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

1. I do not want the ring. I never even mentioned wanting the ring so I have no idea where that came from. I am nearly 40 and have no interest in swiping a 21 year olds engagement ring.

2. I said it is not over because though the family is laid back, my grandmother is liked a treasured jewel to them. My uncle and my mother's other siblings will not let this aunt off without an explanation. That will have zero to do with me, whether or not I tell my mom myself.

This post is solely about whether I should approach my mother on my own or just let her siblings do it. I think I was hoping that if I did it, it would be less of a big deal than if the siblings brought it up (and then my mom will come back and ask me). Again, it is not only about the ring, it is the way my aunt reacted. I do not think anyone will try to take the ring back - that would be crazy.


OP, I don't think you should mention it to your mom. Let her siblings do it. It's a situation between them and your aunt. I understand why you'd want to warn your mom about what is happening, but it'll just come across like you're gossiping and pot-stirring.

Sorry your family is going through this.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 20:39     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
I would tell your mom so she is not caught off guard by her sibling. I would attempt to provide as unbiased a summary of events as possible. If you are close to your mom, I do not see a rationale for not telling her.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 19:34     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
OP here.

1. I do not want the ring. I never even mentioned wanting the ring so I have no idea where that came from. I am nearly 40 and have no interest in swiping a 21 year olds engagement ring.

2. I said it is not over because though the family is laid back, my grandmother is liked a treasured jewel to them. My uncle and my mother's other siblings will not let this aunt off without an explanation. That will have zero to do with me, whether or not I tell my mom myself.

This post is solely about whether I should approach my mother on my own or just let her siblings do it. I think I was hoping that if I did it, it would be less of a big deal than if the siblings brought it up (and then my mom will come back and ask me). Again, it is not only about the ring, it is the way my aunt reacted. I do not think anyone will try to take the ring back - that would be crazy.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 19:22     Subject: Re:Ugh, family and jewelry....
Anonymous wrote:OP, you said it's not over. What do you hope to accomplish? Get your aunt to reimburse a portion of the ring's value to her siblings? Expect a fight.

Take the stones away from the cousin? Mean, expect a fight, and it still won't happen.

I understand if you want your mother to find out from you so she's not caught off guard when she sees the cousin or even at a wedding. But seriously -- ask yourself what you can reasonably accomplish other than a bit pointless fight.

I'm not a bridezilla type by any stretch but I also encourage you to consider whether you want to inject drama into your cousin's life as she plans her wedding and prepares to start her married life. That is stressful enough without family drama-- especially over something as stupid as her mother's poor judgment about a material object.


I think you need to read the whole post.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 19:14     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
This is why I'm glad both sets of my grandparents were way too frugal to waste money on diamonds.

Instead of buying my grandmother diamonds, my grandfather bought stock. That stock paid for my grandmother to live for 15 years in plush circumstances (including extensive end of life care after developing Alzheimers) after he died. It meant she had the best care during a horrific time in her life. A diamond wouldn't have done squat.

Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 19:07     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
Anonymous wrote:I guess I'd try to think of this from your cousin's perspective... if it was her grandmother's ring adn she mentioned this it seems like it means something to her that it was her grandmother's ring/stone. So, poisoning that object with a family feud seems not nice


I agree. What's to be gained here?
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 19:01     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
I guess I'd try to think of this from your cousin's perspective... if it was her grandmother's ring adn she mentioned this it seems like it means something to her that it was her grandmother's ring/stone. So, poisoning that object with a family feud seems not nice
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 18:59     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's so weird to think of a granddaughter wearing a ring. In my family rings go to men to propose with, not to girls so their boyfriends can propose with them.


We don't have that kind of heirloom in our family. But the only 2 people I know it has gone down to women because, I think, the logic is that if something happens to the marriage, the "real family" will always be the one with the ring. If a son gets it for his fiance and they break up, its no longer with the family most likely?


This is what I thought too (boy gets it to propose with), but to solve the problem, it should be given to a girl but not as a ring to be proposed with and certainly not pulled apart. She should get it intact, as an heirloom, right-hand ring. Fiance should still buy a proper ring.


I took a family ring as my engagement ring. Why would I make my husband buy some stupid expensive piece of jewelry when I have a very special ring already?


IT also seems like the sentimental value would be to the person wearing the ring - i have more conection with my grandmother than my husband's grandmother for instance
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 18:29     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, you guys were going to bury a huge diamond? That is really the most interesting part of the story.


It was our grandfather's choice at the time. I was only a kid when it happened but I assume, based on what I know now, that he was a mess with grief and not think rationally. He has also since passed.

I also cannot imagine anyone will take that ring back - that would be crazy. I just want to know if I should go ahead and tell my mom so she can talk to sister/mediate the conversation about how the ring came into the aunt's possession.


Let your Uncle tell her about it. Is it going to pizz your mother off? If so, why would you bring it up? It's a done deal and your Aunt isn't willing to talk about it.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 18:25     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
What do you think will happen if you tell her? Meaning, how will things change if you beat her siblings to the punch?
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 18:22     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's so weird to think of a granddaughter wearing a ring. In my family rings go to men to propose with, not to girls so their boyfriends can propose with them.


We don't have that kind of heirloom in our family. But the only 2 people I know it has gone down to women because, I think, the logic is that if something happens to the marriage, the "real family" will always be the one with the ring. If a son gets it for his fiance and they break up, its no longer with the family most likely?


This is what I thought too (boy gets it to propose with), but to solve the problem, it should be given to a girl but not as a ring to be proposed with and certainly not pulled apart. She should get it intact, as an heirloom, right-hand ring. Fiance should still buy a proper ring.


This is how my mother wore the diamond ring her mother left her, and how I wear it now that my mother has died. I am very sentimental so I would never have pulled it apart, and it's also the most beautiful ring I ever saw.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 18:19     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's so weird to think of a granddaughter wearing a ring. In my family rings go to men to propose with, not to girls so their boyfriends can propose with them.


We don't have that kind of heirloom in our family. But the only 2 people I know it has gone down to women because, I think, the logic is that if something happens to the marriage, the "real family" will always be the one with the ring. If a son gets it for his fiance and they break up, its no longer with the family most likely?


This is what I thought too (boy gets it to propose with), but to solve the problem, it should be given to a girl but not as a ring to be proposed with and certainly not pulled apart. She should get it intact, as an heirloom, right-hand ring. Fiance should still buy a proper ring.


You can suggest that but the owner can do whatever they want with it.

Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 18:05     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
Just call a family meeting amongst your mom and her kids to discuss it.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 17:54     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ignore the entire thing. The ring was not yours. It was not your mother's. People need to stop expecting dead people will have left things for them as if they're owed these things.


You're an idiot.


Seriously?


Should I repeat myself?


NP here. You can repeat it all you want but that won't make it true; it'll just show you are obnoxious.

Two possibilities:

(1) grandmother left it to aunt, who doesn't want to have a long conversation about favoritism and who deserves what. That's her right. Or

(2) aunt took it without asking, which is not her daughter's fault. This round is already down range and the engaged person doesn't need grief and family stress to mar her engagement over a *thing* that the family was willing to bury.

Let. It. Go. There's no good that can come of pursuing it.


Variation of #2). The funeral home gave it to Aunt after the funeral - so she kept it.


Look on the bright side- you guys are lucky someone at the funeral home didn't just take it.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2015 17:53     Subject: Ugh, family and jewelry....
Op, hopefully you will marry someone who can buy their own diamonds.