Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom is bi-polar, your brother (and you) are more at risk.

I think you need therapy to put their behavior into perspective. If your mom or brother say mean things about you, it doesn't mean that you are a laughing stock to the rest of your family. More than likely, they see through the mean comments.

I pointed out my mother and brother but the rest of my siblings and their spouses insult me, too. My own 15 year old niece does it often. If I tell her not to speak to me like that, I'm immediately attacked about how she can say what she wants.

My mom is not being treated and refuses to. I'm not bi-polar nor are any of my siblings.

OP, I'm not the PP who suggested therapy but after your reply here I want to second that idea. Pursuing therapy is not intended to diagnose you as bipolar or anything else. It's intended to help you figure out why you have chosen to continue seeing and interacting with people who treat you so poorly, and why your family's dynamics over your lifetime have ended up so screwed. Therapy can help you develop skills either to protect yourself from your family's sick dynamic, or walk away from it without guilt. You haven't walked away yet, so please consider that you need some tools to help you do so. I really hope you do get help and/or just stop seeing people who treat you this way.

By the way, I would wager that many if not all of your family members, if confronted, would try one of two defenses:

Either they claim they are just joking ("It's just a joke," "It's just banter," "We're only teasing and you just can't take it," "Why can't you learn to take a joke and give as good as you get") OR they claim they are being honest, frank, "real" people who don't brook dishonesty and who equate even basic politeness with being less than perfectly frank.

I had a friend who was so into her vaunted "honesty" that she alienated everyone with unfiltered comments that came off as insults but she was so invested in whatever she said "being for your own good" etc. And I have relatives, fortunately ones who are not close enough to see much, who communicate with their own spouses and teen kids entirely in "banter" that comes off as mean, insulting teasing. OP, does your family have either the "I'm perfectly honest and won't change because you need to hear this!" syndrome or the "It's just a joke, lighten up!" syndrome? In either case, it seems impossible for people who communicate in those ways, filterless and self-righteous, to change, so you might need to make the change here and stop seeing them.

Talk with a professional about what there is in your background that has made you continue to tolerate this treatment as long as you have -- so that you learn not to repeat the pattern with other relationships.

There could be a million different reasons why they have made you the scapegoat in this narcissistic based family dysfunction but the reasons don't matter. Your understanding why won't fix anything. In the future another sibling may fall out of favor and take the scapegoat role but don't be suckered. Don't chase these people for love. They are broken and will probably never know how to really love another person.

Your family is so dysfunctional that there is no way you can grow up with this and have a reasonable self esteem. If this has gone on for very long, it will affect your relationships. You probably tolerate a lot of abuse that most people would not and probably. Are you a door mat or a people pleaser? You have been trained to take abuse without complaint. If you stand up to them, they gas light you. Are you familiar with that term? You need to read about narcissistic families.

A good therapist can help particularly when you begin a serious relationship. It is very hard to drop the patterns and training. You are the lucky one in the sick family dynamic. The scapegoats often escape and seek help because of the abuse. The others in the family get enough intermittent reward to prevent them from dealing with the dysfunction.They are abused as well even if it seems they are not.

Good luck op. They don't know you and will never see what shines in you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm don't know if I'm acting too sensitive but here it goes. I'm am 27, single, and have a large family. I'm always the laughing stock of my family at every holiday event. My mom is bi-polar and was a horrible mother to all of us. She is a gold digger that has never done anything for herself. She puts me down at every chance she gets - telling me I'm going to die along, I'm not smart enough for med school, I have no talent, and how she hates my annoying voice. Yesterday I was talking to my cousin about a personal issue and my mom gets mad the attention isn't on her. She starts telling me to shut up because I'm too annoying and nobody cares what I have to say. She always acts like my opinions are wrong or invalid. She pretty much has made me feel worthless my whole life but worships my younger sister.

My brother is a narcissist. He pokes fun at everyone. We do banter back and forth like a normal family but he will always insult my looks, my intelligence, and just puts me down. My whole family acts like I'm a bother to them. All of them put me down but expect the world from me. Part of me wants to cut them all out of my life because I can't take it anymore. Standing up for myself doesn't work. I don't cry or give any reaction but it still goes on.

Yesterday we were opening presents and my mom was mad I didn't get her a " better" gift. My brother told me to quit school because being a house wife is all I will be good at. They never apologize. My ex-boyfriend was pissed about the way I was treated. I fear bringing any guy to holiday gate rings or parties because of it. I am being screened for breast cancer and my mom tells everyone I'm faking it and I'm a liar.

I don't know if I need to toughen up but this is getting to me. I can't take it anymore. I am about to cut them all out of my life.

You are 27. Please act like it. No one forces you to go home. Your family sounds HORRIBLE. like truly rotten people. I bet when you actually stand up for youself by not going home they may change their tune a bit. I never understand why so many women on DCUM torture themselves with this god awful holidays. OP just make other plans. Stop feeling guilty. Your mom was a failure, what do you owe her?

Consider planning a trip to Australia (maybe with a friend) to see your dad next Christmas.

Did you start med school 3-4 years ago? If so, this started because they are jealous with liwcself esteem. They are trying to cut you down to make their lives seem bigger. Cut them out for a few years and you'll never regret ut!

I think you might need to consider that you enjoy the abuse and that's it comfortable and feels like home. You could do any number of real things to change the dynamic, yet you don't. You don't people to tell you your family's behavior is wrong or what are good responses. You are smart enough to know all on your own.

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is a narcissist. They are scapegoating you and it's abuse. You need to spend some time away from them to heal and figure out how you want to have relationships with them. Get therapy seriously. It will help.

+1 I'm very sorry, OP. I have a terrible mother, too. I am in my early 30's and I've only just accepted that I will never have a real relationship with her. I keep her at arm's length. The fact that I can finally avoid getting deeply upset after she does another terrible thing is a huge victory to me. Hugs to you, OP. Distance and therapy will help you much.

Cut toxic people out of your life. You don't need people who tear you down in your life.

Families like this are really tough to deal with. It's not your fault they are like this, OP. You can do much to help yourself though. Talking to a therapist can help a lot. They can help you set boundaries with your family and learn ways of coping better with their dysfunction.

I'm so sorry OP. Don't let them ruin your dreams or direction. Try to avoid contact with them...they are toxic soul killers. Try to get counseling for sure. It's them not you. Surround yourself with people who love you.

Anonymous wrote:How they act says more about them than it says about you.

This. I'm truly sorry they treat you this way.
Is there ny way you can spend the holidays with your dad or friends next year? You need to limit contact with them it's not healthy.

I also wish you the best in your breast cancer treatment.

Hugs. You deserve to be treated with kindness. You do.

How they act says more about them than it says about you.

This is abuse and it's not your fault. Maybe instead of thinking of it as cutting them our of your life, think about taking a break. Do something different for the holidays, keep distance for a couple years and assess.

Anonymous wrote:Op, you have the control of what length of time you visit and where you will visit and what you will cause you to excuse yourself and know it's time to head home. Always have an escape plan.

Consider visiting in public places.