Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 16:48     Subject: Re:MIL just screamed at me
Anonymous wrote:OP again. We hosted Christmas at our house last night. DD is two and was excited about all of her gifts in the morning and both of our families being at our house celebrating. She loves people and had trouble napping yesterday and falling asleep last night. The in-laws wanted us to go there today to celebrate with just them. I didn't just get up and leave because I think it would make things worse. DH is going to tell her not to take that tone with me again. Oh I wasn't gossiping with my neighbor. My MIL yelled at someone in front of my neighbor and she later told me it really upset and scared her. End of discussion.
Sounds like the better plan would have been to have in laws spend the night o they didn't have the long drive ahead of them and you didn't have an hour drive as well. You could have had breakfast together and then sent them on their way or off to do something with hubby in time for the baby's nap. Start planning now for next year's holiday. You also need to tell MIL that your feelings were hurt when she raised her voice - not leave it up to your husband.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 16:44     Subject: Re:MIL just screamed at me
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We saw them last night. MIL called at 7:45 this morning and woke all of us up and we drove an hour to get there. I said we needed to leave at least 1/2 hour before dessert and they were dragging their feet. There was no special dessert, they were leftovers. I don't like being yelled at and I'm frustrated that DH never says anything. I will try to drop it.
So then say in a calm level voice: Please don't raise your voice to me. If you don't spend much time with the relative it is no wonder that MIL and hubby wanted to cherish that time together.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 16:37     Subject: Re:MIL just screamed at me
I've been in the same position where I wanted to leave so my kid would nap in the car home and not be screaming the whole way, or be stuck there another 4 hours for the nap. Maybe a better tactic would have been to help serve the dessert to speed the process along?
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 16:22     Subject: MIL just screamed at me
Screamed at you? Wow do you know what it's liked to be screamed at?
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 16:19     Subject: Re:MIL just screamed at me
Anonymous wrote:OP again. We hosted Christmas at our house last night. DD is two and was excited about all of her gifts in the morning and both of our families being at our house celebrating. She loves people and had trouble napping yesterday and falling asleep last night. The in-laws wanted us to go there today to celebrate with just them. I didn't just get up and leave because I think it would make things worse. DH is going to tell her not to take that tone with me again. Oh I wasn't gossiping with my neighbor. My MIL yelled at someone in front of my neighbor and she later told me it really upset and scared her. End of discussion.


Next time the phone rings at 7:45 and it's MIL asking you to come over after an exhausting day, you simply reply, "Caroline, we had a great time yesterday, but as I'm sure you can imagine, we're all pretty off-routine and exhausted. We're going to be relaxing at home today. I look forward to seeing you on the fifth (whatever the next visit is)." If you don't have a future date on the books, close with, "Why don't Bill and I give you a call tomorrow to work out some plans in the near future?"

This is not rocket science. You allowed your exhausted family to be pulled into yet more plans. She was wrong to yell. You and your husband were wrong to cave into her wishes for today, when you knew your family was tired and wired and needed to rest.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 16:18     Subject: MIL just screamed at me
It is strange to get a call at 7:45AM and be informed by MIL that she expects you at her house. So you get ready (maybe takes an hour), leave your house around 8:45 drive an hour to get there. Get there around 9:45....and then have to turn around and leave a couple of hours later (nap time!).

Why on earth did you do this? It makes little sense to me.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 16:04     Subject: Re:MIL just screamed at me
OP again. We hosted Christmas at our house last night. DD is two and was excited about all of her gifts in the morning and both of our families being at our house celebrating. She loves people and had trouble napping yesterday and falling asleep last night. The in-laws wanted us to go there today to celebrate with just them. I didn't just get up and leave because I think it would make things worse. DH is going to tell her not to take that tone with me again. Oh I wasn't gossiping with my neighbor. My MIL yelled at someone in front of my neighbor and she later told me it really upset and scared her. End of discussion.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 15:47     Subject: MIL just screamed at me
Anonymous wrote:The question that sticks in my mind is what was OPs toddler doing yesterday that exhausted her so much that she had bags under her eyes and was falling over?

Was the whole day or a large part of it spent celebrating with OPs parents? Was toddler running around and having so much fun yesterday with OPs family that she burned up all her energy? Did she miss her nap? Extend bedtime?

Did OP & her husband agree that "It's Christmas Day...let's bend the routine so she/we can enjoy our time with wife's family, so the grandparents can spoil her, etc?"

If so, and then OP insists they bug out early from husband's family because the routine is so important or because toddler MUST nap at home and it is so much more important than a few minutes more at HIS family, then I could see husband not stepping in. I can see MIL being annoyed if you let her know that was why toddler was too tired.

If the roles were reversed, and it was your family getting the day after celebration and husband was insisting upon leaving early because toddler was too exhausted after a fun, exciting day with his family, I
bet both you and your mom would be upset too.



Um, they were at MIL's yesterday. Read the thread!
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 15:42     Subject: Re:MIL just screamed at me
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We saw them last night. MIL called at 7:45 this morning and woke all of us up and we drove an hour to get there. I said we needed to leave at least 1/2 hour before dessert and they were dragging their feet. There was no special dessert, they were leftovers. I don't like being yelled at and I'm frustrated that DH never says anything. I will try to drop it.


Why in the world did you say yes to going over and not give her an earful for waking you up?
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 15:39     Subject: MIL just screamed at me
The question that sticks in my mind is what was OPs toddler doing yesterday that exhausted her so much that she had bags under her eyes and was falling over?

Was the whole day or a large part of it spent celebrating with OPs parents? Was toddler running around and having so much fun yesterday with OPs family that she burned up all her energy? Did she miss her nap? Extend bedtime?

Did OP & her husband agree that "It's Christmas Day...let's bend the routine so she/we can enjoy our time with wife's family, so the grandparents can spoil her, etc?"

If so, and then OP insists they bug out early from husband's family because the routine is so important or because toddler MUST nap at home and it is so much more important than a few minutes more at HIS family, then I could see husband not stepping in. I can see MIL being annoyed if you let her know that was why toddler was too tired.

If the roles were reversed, and it was your family getting the day after celebration and husband was insisting upon leaving early because toddler was too exhausted after a fun, exciting day with his family, I
bet both you and your mom would be upset too.

Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 15:33     Subject: MIL just screamed at me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You put the toddler to nap on grandma's bed and sit and have the dessert.

No way did I let my toddler hold me hostage on holidays. And it's only lunchtime -- did you see these people yesterday or on Christmas eve? If not, you bugging out around noon is rude. It's your child's family.


+1


Not every toddler will just conk out on any available bed.

I would be very clear that you are leaving at x time due to naps well in advance.

The bigger issue is that she screamed at you and DH said nothing. I would have packed up the kids and walked out right then--and DH had darned well better come too.


There is objective screaming and then there's a tone of voice that people don't like and label screaming even if third parties barely register it as a raise in voice level. Maybe OP's DH heard it and didn't think it sounded like screaming so he didn't intervene.

Turns out both my mother and my future MIL are yellers. They yell when they are happy. They yell when they are mad. I don't think a shrill tone would cause either of us to take notice. Our mothers are too lady like to curse or throw pie at us if we tried to duck out early, but they do use nasty tones, sarcastic speech patterns, and cutting words sometimes. I think we both regard each other as adults able to hold our own if the other's mom tried to verbally intimidate us.


You are right. MIL talks like this fairly often and everyone but her immediate family is horrified by it. My elderly next door neighbor told me she is scared of her. She primarily does it to her husband. I think it is not ok and her husband or children need to tell her that. I am mostly frustrated that DH didn't say anything. He says he doesn't hear it anymore which I think is a BS excuse. He also says there is no point because she will never change. Everyone seems afraid of her which I don't get.


He is telling you the truth. Sad, but the truth. My happy go lucky child says she never even hears when her grandmother yells or says nasty things. It's all background noise to her now.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 15:29     Subject: MIL just screamed at me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you gossiping about your mother in law with her neighbors?

It takes two to tangle and it sounds like you have a part in all of this.


The phrase is "tango," not "tangle."


Yes, and duh.

That was purposeful. They aren't tangoing. They are tangling.

Sounds like a power struggle mess, not a carefully choreographed battle
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 15:25     Subject: MIL just screamed at me
Anonymous wrote:Why are you gossiping about your mother in law with her neighbors?

It takes two to tangle and it sounds like you have a part in all of this.


The phrase is "tango," not "tangle."
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 15:17     Subject: MIL just screamed at me
Anonymous wrote:My MIL doesn't get to call me at 7:45 and tell me where to be. DON'T GO.

She shouldn't have raised her voice to you.

But dessert--and toddlers--don't hold grown adults hostage. Next time it's time to leave, you say, "Nancy, as you know we need to leave now for Annabelle's nap." Then you PUT ON YOUR COATS, PICK UP THE CHILD, AND LEAVE.

That's the end of that story.


+1! Married 20+ years here: my first instinct was to say "Tell her to shut up and get a divorce." However, PP is right. Just put on your coats and take the kid out the door.

If DH wants to stay there with mom, fine. It's his mom and his job.

Sorry you had to go through this, but DH should know better. He shouldn't sit by passive aggressively and watch it happen. You don't have to put up with it. MIL's his mom, but DD's his child and takes priority. He needs to know this now.

I sincerely hope you have a Happier New Year!
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2015 15:15     Subject: MIL just screamed at me
Why are you gossiping about your mother in law with her neighbors?

It takes two to tangle and it sounds like you have a part in all of this.