Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:23     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So what exactly is your problem, OP?
Would you rather she didn't congratulate you or seem indifferent?
You honestly come off as pretentious.
Like you want so badly to be above social norms and this engagement is upsetting your rebellion against society.



I guess I just felt like *I* should feel that excited. But, this thread has been very good and cathartic for me. I get exactly why things have gone the way they have, and it has nothing to do with rebellion. My (chosen) narrative would have gone very much by "societal norms", but I knew the choices I was making that they didn't were the right ones. So, I apparently rebelled out of default.. And maybe in a weird way, that was a blessing.

And I don't mean to sound pretentious... I was just really confused as this wasn't something I expected and it was a really ambivalent feeling I had. I'd set my sails by the life I had known to come to expect. Who doesn't feel a little thrown off by a plot twist?


1. Maybe you aren't as in love with your now fiance as you believe you are. I know plenty of people with your background who were still happy and excited when they got engaged. Maybe you and he have been together all this time because it seemed like a practical step, and this engagement is highlighting that.

2. Maybe you are depressed or have some other anxiety disorder. I have a friend like this and with a similar situation to you and she didn't allow her to be excited for her engagement or wedding because those feelings caused her too much stress.

3. As much as you don't want to admit it you did fancy yourself a rebel and this puts a wrench in things. This is my sister . She and my now brother in law try so hard to be rebels they enjoy nothing. Nothing, but they insist that's not it.


Or maybe... I honestly had accepted we would never get married and I was SURPRISED, had a MIX OF FEELINGS I couldn't Immediately pinpoint and process, and just felt unsettled because it was a new direction (in the midst of all other holiday chaos)?

It's sad that people on DCUM have never been human beings a single day of their lives. Or empathize when other people are.

FWIW, I've been feeling more of th excitement I expected off the go. I just needed time to process something, that, as I said, that changed the complete narrative of what I knew to be true. It's normal to waver in the face of unusual things.


Or maybe you're just a troll.


Who needs to "process" this much? Or should I say process as long as the reply agrees with your viewpoint.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:20     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So what exactly is your problem, OP?
Would you rather she didn't congratulate you or seem indifferent?
You honestly come off as pretentious.
Like you want so badly to be above social norms and this engagement is upsetting your rebellion against society.



I guess I just felt like *I* should feel that excited. But, this thread has been very good and cathartic for me. I get exactly why things have gone the way they have, and it has nothing to do with rebellion. My (chosen) narrative would have gone very much by "societal norms", but I knew the choices I was making that they didn't were the right ones. So, I apparently rebelled out of default.. And maybe in a weird way, that was a blessing.

And I don't mean to sound pretentious... I was just really confused as this wasn't something I expected and it was a really ambivalent feeling I had. I'd set my sails by the life I had known to come to expect. Who doesn't feel a little thrown off by a plot twist?




Based on this and your other replies you just want to be a snowflake. Not so different from the bridezillas you claim to hate.

Either that or you are actually scared that something in your perfectly crafted relationship might change, so being pretentious and snowflakey is really just your way of coping with fear.


Oh please, it is totally normal to wonder why you are not excited about your wedding as you are supposed to be.


She's not wondering about that. She wants validation that nothing will change and that she has been married all along. Look at her replies, they have zero to do with pondering her feelings. Zero.

My opinion? She's not excited because she's scared something will change for them or she doesn't love her fiance like she thinks she does.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:20     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:Dear God OP !

We get it you 12 year relationship is just as good as a marriage it's the same thing.

Nothing will change for you.

Huzzah!

Oops take that back, Don't want to upset you.


Point taken. Thank you. This is why I come here.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:20     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So what exactly is your problem, OP?
Would you rather she didn't congratulate you or seem indifferent?
You honestly come off as pretentious.
Like you want so badly to be above social norms and this engagement is upsetting your rebellion against society.



I guess I just felt like *I* should feel that excited. But, this thread has been very good and cathartic for me. I get exactly why things have gone the way they have, and it has nothing to do with rebellion. My (chosen) narrative would have gone very much by "societal norms", but I knew the choices I was making that they didn't were the right ones. So, I apparently rebelled out of default.. And maybe in a weird way, that was a blessing.

And I don't mean to sound pretentious... I was just really confused as this wasn't something I expected and it was a really ambivalent feeling I had. I'd set my sails by the life I had known to come to expect. Who doesn't feel a little thrown off by a plot twist?


1. Maybe you aren't as in love with your now fiance as you believe you are. I know plenty of people with your background who were still happy and excited when they got engaged. Maybe you and he have been together all this time because it seemed like a practical step, and this engagement is highlighting that.

2. Maybe you are depressed or have some other anxiety disorder. I have a friend like this and with a similar situation to you and she didn't allow her to be excited for her engagement or wedding because those feelings caused her too much stress.

3. As much as you don't want to admit it you did fancy yourself a rebel and this puts a wrench in things. This is my sister . She and my now brother in law try so hard to be rebels they enjoy nothing. Nothing, but they insist that's not it.


Or maybe... I honestly had accepted we would never get married and I was SURPRISED, had a MIX OF FEELINGS I couldn't Immediately pinpoint and process, and just felt unsettled because it was a new direction (in the midst of all other holiday chaos)?

It's sad that people on DCUM have never been human beings a single day of their lives. Or empathize when other people are.

FWIW, I've been feeling more of th excitement I expected off the go. I just needed time to process something, that, as I said, that changed the complete narrative of what I knew to be true. It's normal to waver in the face of unusual things.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:18     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Dear God OP !

We get it you 12 year relationship is just as good as a marriage it's the same thing.

Nothing will change for you.

Huzzah!

Oops take that back, Don't want to upset you.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:17     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So what exactly is your problem, OP?
Would you rather she didn't congratulate you or seem indifferent?
You honestly come off as pretentious.
Like you want so badly to be above social norms and this engagement is upsetting your rebellion against society.



I guess I just felt like *I* should feel that excited. But, this thread has been very good and cathartic for me. I get exactly why things have gone the way they have, and it has nothing to do with rebellion. My (chosen) narrative would have gone very much by "societal norms", but I knew the choices I was making that they didn't were the right ones. So, I apparently rebelled out of default.. And maybe in a weird way, that was a blessing.

And I don't mean to sound pretentious... I was just really confused as this wasn't something I expected and it was a really ambivalent feeling I had. I'd set my sails by the life I had known to come to expect. Who doesn't feel a little thrown off by a plot twist?




Based on this and your other replies you just want to be a snowflake. Not so different from the bridezillas you claim to hate.

Either that or you are actually scared that something in your perfectly crafted relationship might change, so being pretentious and snowflakey is really just your way of coping with fear.


Oh please, it is totally normal to wonder why you are not excited about your wedding as you are supposed to be.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:14     Subject: Re:If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:This is a natural feeling. You've been acting like you're married for years. You've also put off children because of it which may end up being a problem for you. There are many reasons people marry and why most don't wait this long if they have any plans to marry. It's not going to be fun and exciting for you. You've already experienced all of your firsts with your boyfriend and there isn't much left to do besides sign a marriage certificate.


Thank you, PP, for this. This is kind of it. I'm happy for the next "step", but it's not exciting, or even feel like it's necessary. I will be proud to be Mrs., but in a lot of ways, I already am. Down to scrubbing underwear. I guess now, I will have legal protection if underwear duty goes amiss.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:14     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So what exactly is your problem, OP?
Would you rather she didn't congratulate you or seem indifferent?
You honestly come off as pretentious.
Like you want so badly to be above social norms and this engagement is upsetting your rebellion against society.



I guess I just felt like *I* should feel that excited. But, this thread has been very good and cathartic for me. I get exactly why things have gone the way they have, and it has nothing to do with rebellion. My (chosen) narrative would have gone very much by "societal norms", but I knew the choices I was making that they didn't were the right ones. So, I apparently rebelled out of default.. And maybe in a weird way, that was a blessing.

And I don't mean to sound pretentious... I was just really confused as this wasn't something I expected and it was a really ambivalent feeling I had. I'd set my sails by the life I had known to come to expect. Who doesn't feel a little thrown off by a plot twist?




Based on this and your other replies you just want to be a snowflake. Not so different from the bridezillas you claim to hate.

Either that or you are actually scared that something in your perfectly crafted relationship might change, so being pretentious and snowflakey is really just your way of coping with fear.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:11     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So what exactly is your problem, OP?
Would you rather she didn't congratulate you or seem indifferent?
You honestly come off as pretentious.
Like you want so badly to be above social norms and this engagement is upsetting your rebellion against society.



I guess I just felt like *I* should feel that excited. But, this thread has been very good and cathartic for me. I get exactly why things have gone the way they have, and it has nothing to do with rebellion. My (chosen) narrative would have gone very much by "societal norms", but I knew the choices I was making that they didn't were the right ones. So, I apparently rebelled out of default.. And maybe in a weird way, that was a blessing.

And I don't mean to sound pretentious... I was just really confused as this wasn't something I expected and it was a really ambivalent feeling I had. I'd set my sails by the life I had known to come to expect. Who doesn't feel a little thrown off by a plot twist?


1. Maybe you aren't as in love with your now fiance as you believe you are. I know plenty of people with your background who were still happy and excited when they got engaged. Maybe you and he have been together all this time because it seemed like a practical step, and this engagement is highlighting that.

2. Maybe you are depressed or have some other anxiety disorder. I have a friend like this and with a similar situation to you and she didn't allow her to be excited for her engagement or wedding because those feelings caused her too much stress.

3. As much as you don't want to admit it you did fancy yourself a rebel and this puts a wrench in things. This is my sister . She and my now brother in law try so hard to be rebels they enjoy nothing. Nothing, but they insist that's not it.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:11     Subject: Re:If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:^8+: you are kind of over it


OP here, This made me LOL. I'm thinking 8+ - WTF- why now?
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:10     Subject: Re:If you got engaged after living together for a long time
This is a natural feeling. You've been acting like you're married for years. You've also put off children because of it which may end up being a problem for you. There are many reasons people marry and why most don't wait this long if they have any plans to marry. It's not going to be fun and exciting for you. You've already experienced all of your firsts with your boyfriend and there isn't much left to do besides sign a marriage certificate.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:08     Subject: Re:If you got engaged after living together for a long time
^8+: you are kind of over it
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 17:07     Subject: Re:If you got engaged after living together for a long time
I feel you, OP. I got married after being together for 9 years and found the process a tedious chore. Looking around at the weddings I've attended, I think there is an optimal time to get married:

<2 years together: other people think you are rushing it and aren't that excited for you

3-5 years together: everyone is excited

6-7 years together: everyone is happy for you, but there is less shrieking excitement

8+:
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 16:59     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:So what exactly is your problem, OP?
Would you rather she didn't congratulate you or seem indifferent?
You honestly come off as pretentious.
Like you want so badly to be above social norms and this engagement is upsetting your rebellion against society.



I guess I just felt like *I* should feel that excited. But, this thread has been very good and cathartic for me. I get exactly why things have gone the way they have, and it has nothing to do with rebellion. My (chosen) narrative would have gone very much by "societal norms", but I knew the choices I was making that they didn't were the right ones. So, I apparently rebelled out of default.. And maybe in a weird way, that was a blessing.

And I don't mean to sound pretentious... I was just really confused as this wasn't something I expected and it was a really ambivalent feeling I had. I'd set my sails by the life I had known to come to expect. Who doesn't feel a little thrown off by a plot twist?
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 16:53     Subject: If you got engaged after living together for a long time
Anonymous wrote:So what exactly is your problem, OP?
Would you rather she didn't congratulate you or seem indifferent?
You honestly come off as pretentious.
Like you want so badly to be above social norms and this engagement is upsetting your rebellion against society.



+ 1

If you want to have a baby, then get off birth control ASAP. You are 40 for f's sake. No clue why you waited this long since you've been together for over a decade. Most women long for a baby and don't put it off. The fact that you have speaks volumes.

I hope everything works out for you.