Anonymous wrote:You can go away for a four day weekend, I think. Tell DH where you are going and that you are taking the baby. Tell him when you will be home. If he wants to go ballistic and call the police, you can show them the text message or email that you sent him letting him know where you will be.

I'm not a lawyer -- but I don't think that would qualify as kidnapping.

Agree. Don't get an apartment. Just moving is so much work with a 4 month old. You are going to be extra tired and cranky which doesn't help you improve the relationship or think clearly. I have an infant and we fight more when we're both extra tired and say things we might not have had we been better rested. I'm not saying that is your case, but just caring for two kids, even just the baby is so tough doing it 100% alone.

Anonymous wrote:So are you saying you need a weekend break but are not treating that as the separation? As in you plan to go to a hotel JUST for a break and go back and THEN at some later point initiate the split? If so , that would work if DH kept the older one. Just a weekend with no indication this is leading to a separation.

If you're planning on using the weekend as an excuse to get out and begin the separation, you leave your son behind at your own peril. Good luck fighting your husband for custody once you leave him. I won't get into how fucked up it is your 9 year old listens to all your conversations and knows the state of your marriage and what's about to happen and that you think it's cute he finds it amusing. Please get him counseling once you leave for good.

Thanks Yes, I am thinking of just a weekend break for now. The actual issue was about the cat litter and DH cooking his food, so yes DS who does lot of chores, was part of the situation unfold in the kitchen table. I do agree that probably none of us realize what is involved in a split.

So are you saying you need a weekend break but are not treating that as the separation? As in you plan to go to a hotel JUST for a break and go back and THEN at some later point initiate the split? If so , that would work if DH kept the older one. Just a weekend with no indication this is leading to a separation.

If you're planning on using the weekend as an excuse to get out and begin the separation, you leave your son behind at your own peril. Good luck fighting your husband for custody once you leave him. I won't get into how fucked up it is your 9 year old listens to all your conversations and knows the state of your marriage and what's about to happen and that you think it's cute he finds it amusing. Please get him counseling once you leave for good.

Op here, trying to address all comments.

We are both US citizens, so no immigration concerns.
No financial concerns, both of us are well employed and have decent assets, which we will split evenly. If we move out, we will pay the nanny and all other child related expenses equally.

I am only thinking of weekend break with infant, not the long term move. DH and DS should be fine with it, I will get their agreement first, they will just call or pop in as needed.

The older kid knows everything, he listens to all our conversations. In fact I am going with him to look at an apartment today for the potential long term move. If we move out, he knows he will be with me on weekdays, his Dad will visit on weekdays to read with him, and he will go to his Dad's house on the weekend to hang out. Right now he thinks it is amusing.

If we take legal route, it will be for incompatibility reasons. The possibility for potential abuse exists, it is a long shot and I know his triggers, and I won't be using that as the main reason.

I called the Women's center, but they can only give appointments in first week of Jan.

Leaving one kid destroys the argument of health and safety of the children. You can't say "I was scared because he hit me in the past" if you then go and leave one kid behind in that environment.

Absolutely take both kids.

Get your immigration status up to date, find work, become less dependent. Nothing you write indicates a trial separation but a real separation/divorce and you are not prepared for the following steps.

Anonymous wrote:You can't just take the baby. First of all, don't think a good divorce attorney wouldn't pounce on you leaving one kid with the abuser (if you try to bring that up) while removing yourself and one child. Second, your kid is 9. If he puts 2 and 2 together, that you left with the baby to prepare for a split, think how it makes him feel that you left him behind. You cannot take one child.

Leaving your older child behind, sets the stage for your DH to try and prevent you from taking him later. I'd take both kids for a long weekend, and during that weekend, visit an attorney or the women's center. If you really need alone time, I'd go some place like Great Wolf Lodge where your older child will be occupied most of the time.

Why are you thinking of leaving the older child?

Anonymous wrote:You can't just take the baby. First of all, don't think a good divorce attorney wouldn't pounce on you leaving one kid with the abuser (if you try to bring that up) while removing yourself and one child. Second, your kid is 9. If he puts 2 and 2 together, that you left with the baby to prepare for a split, think how it makes him feel that you left him behind. You cannot take one child.

I second this.

Take both kids.

What's your immigration status? You mentioned something about being an immigrant.

Any chance your husband can call immigration if he gets upset with you?