Anonymous
12/17/2015 15:07
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Being a waiter can be an honorable thing to do. The question in my mind is whether he works hard and pays his bills and is responsible. Lying about his math degree - that is a red flag though. Makes me wonder about how trustworthy he is overall.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 15:02
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Some women dont marry humans; They marry socioeconomic statuses. When that status changes downward, she wants out because it's not about the human to begin with. She feels like she's been cheated out the SES that he represented to her when they were younger.
That's fine. If he misrepresented himself, he probably understood your preference and he lied because he was insecure. Then his SES went down from there. I don't blame you for being disappointed and wanting out. Just be aware that there will be no pot of gold at the end of your philosophical rainbow.
ALL women marry socioeconomic statuses. Any man planning to get married needs to make peace with that fact. Or not get married. Otherwise, he is asking for a world of pain.
+1.
ALL women I know when they first met their husbands first talked about his job or degree or where he went to school:
"He works for NASA, you know"
"He's a frat boy from Duke"
He works for the NSA"
These were all some of the first sentences my friends used to describe their now husbands upon first meeting them. If a guy does not have an impressive/lucrative job, they wouldn't look twice at him.
Wow, glad I have different friends.
+1. PP, the problem isn't the "ALL women" part of the the sentence you wrote, but the "I know" part. You need better friends.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 15:01
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
My grandpa was a lawyer. He worked as a deli manager in Brooklyn instead. Nobody was ashamed of him.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 14:59
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?
OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?
That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.
I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.
What is his masters in so I don't go back to school and make the same dumb assessed mistake?
Sadly, computer science. The problem is the man, not the degree. I love him, but he is ruining our family.
No the problem is rampant ageism and anti-family policies in tech, computer science, and programming. Your DH are out of luck unless they provide some personal connections or are experts in intellectual capital the company depends on. Being over 30 and with a family hit highly trained in tech is WORTHLESS. Maybe look into consulting though they will travel and you will never see them again; maybe degree in accounting?
Our economy is winner take all at an early age, if you stumble it is far far harder to make it up now because ageism is pretty rampant.
Since when is over 30 too old to work anywhere?? how would he get into consulting?
30 is middle age for tech; if you aren't already employed and have current value to a company, they will not take a chance and hire you.
http://www.fastcompany.com/3051030/the-future-of-work/is-27-the-tech-worlds-new-middle-age
http://fortune.com/2014/06/19/tech-job-ads-discrimination/
http://anewdomain.net/2014/12/11/dont-hire-anyone-30-ageism-silicon-valley/
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/us/bay-area-technology-professionals-cant-get-hired-as-industry-moves-on.html
http://www.foxbusiness.com/technology/2015/05/04/silicon-valleys-worst-kept-secret-ageism/
https://newrepublic.com/article/117088/silicons-valleys-brutal-ageism
As for consulting, that was just something where some programming might be an option, and since they don't invest much in their employees than can try taking someone on with a mid-career change.
Accounting probably better, but honestly it's tough out there.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 14:56
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?
OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?
That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.
I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.
What is his masters in so I don't go back to school and make the same dumb assessed mistake?
Sadly, computer science. The problem is the man, not the degree. I love him, but he is ruining our family.
No the problem is rampant ageism and anti-family policies in tech, computer science, and programming. Your DH are out of luck unless they provide some personal connections or are experts in intellectual capital the company depends on. Being over 30 and with a family hit highly trained in tech is WORTHLESS. Maybe look into consulting though they will travel and you will never see them again; maybe degree in accounting?
Our economy is winner take all at an early age, if you stumble it is far far harder to make it up now because ageism is pretty rampant.
Since when is over 30 too old to work anywhere?? how would he get into consulting?
You're "old" much sooner in programming/tech.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 14:55
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Some women dont marry humans; They marry socioeconomic statuses. When that status changes downward, she wants out because it's not about the human to begin with. She feels like she's been cheated out the SES that he represented to her when they were younger.
That's fine. If he misrepresented himself, he probably understood your preference and he lied because he was insecure. Then his SES went down from there. I don't blame you for being disappointed and wanting out. Just be aware that there will be no pot of gold at the end of your philosophical rainbow.
ALL women marry socioeconomic statuses. Any man planning to get married needs to make peace with that fact. Or not get married. Otherwise, he is asking for a world of pain.
+1.
ALL women I know when they first met their husbands first talked about his job or degree or where he went to school:
"He works for NASA, you know"
"He's a frat boy from Duke"
He works for the NSA"
These were all some of the first sentences my friends used to describe their now husbands upon first meeting them. If a guy does not have an impressive/lucrative job, they wouldn't look twice at him.
Wow, glad I have different friends.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 14:39
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Have him apply to work at a Help Desk/Service desk. Then he can work his way up.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 13:28
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?
OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?
That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.
I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.
What is his masters in so I don't go back to school and make the same dumb assessed mistake?
Sadly, computer science. The problem is the man, not the degree. I love him, but he is ruining our family.
No the problem is rampant ageism and anti-family policies in tech, computer science, and programming. Your DH are out of luck unless they provide some personal connections or are experts in intellectual capital the company depends on. Being over 30 and with a family hit highly trained in tech is WORTHLESS. Maybe look into consulting though they will travel and you will never see them again; maybe degree in accounting?
Our economy is winner take all at an early age, if you stumble it is far far harder to make it up now because ageism is pretty rampant.
So he mixed a JD with computer science? Also, is accounting really in demand?
Anonymous
12/17/2015 13:20
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Listen! I can understand the part that you "hurt your feelings" that he lied to you, but if he is working and paying the bills, you need to chill and be thankful. Do you work or stay home?
Anonymous
12/17/2015 13:18
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?
OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?
That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.
I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.
What is his masters in so I don't go back to school and make the same dumb assessed mistake?
Sadly, computer science. The problem is the man, not the degree. I love him, but he is ruining our family.
No the problem is rampant ageism and anti-family policies in tech, computer science, and programming. Your DH are out of luck unless they provide some personal connections or are experts in intellectual capital the company depends on. Being over 30 and with a family hit highly trained in tech is WORTHLESS. Maybe look into consulting though they will travel and you will never see them again; maybe degree in accounting?
Our economy is winner take all at an early age, if you stumble it is far far harder to make it up now because ageism is pretty rampant.
PP here. My DH is an overweight minority who is pushing 40 with 3 kids - I know not one bit of that should matter, but I am very concerned that he wouldn't get hired EVEN IF he tried. He hasn't even tried at this point, though. Do you really think there is no path forward and employment is hopeless?
Anonymous
12/17/2015 13:07
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?
OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?
That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.
I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.
What is his masters in so I don't go back to school and make the same dumb assessed mistake?
Sadly, computer science. The problem is the man, not the degree. I love him, but he is ruining our family.
No the problem is rampant ageism and anti-family policies in tech, computer science, and programming. Your DH are out of luck unless they provide some personal connections or are experts in intellectual capital the company depends on. Being over 30 and with a family hit highly trained in tech is WORTHLESS. Maybe look into consulting though they will travel and you will never see them again; maybe degree in accounting?
Our economy is winner take all at an early age, if you stumble it is far far harder to make it up now because ageism is pretty rampant.
Since when is over 30 too old to work anywhere?? how would he get into consulting?
Anonymous
12/17/2015 13:00
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?
OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?
That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.
I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.
What is his masters in so I don't go back to school and make the same dumb assessed mistake?
Sadly, computer science. The problem is the man, not the degree. I love him, but he is ruining our family.
No the problem is rampant ageism and anti-family policies in tech, computer science, and programming. Your DH are out of luck unless they provide some personal connections or are experts in intellectual capital the company depends on. Being over 30 and with a family hit highly trained in tech is WORTHLESS. Maybe look into consulting though they will travel and you will never see them again; maybe degree in accounting?
Our economy is winner take all at an early age, if you stumble it is far far harder to make it up now because ageism is pretty rampant.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 12:53
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
I think people just give up looking for work because they clash with their superiors a lot or hate the fakeness or nepotism in job interviewing. I lost track of how many employers had called me in for a job interview only to tell me at the end of the second interviews they had a recommended hire or someone whose already with the business. There really is no respect for job applicants time and effort with employers and all this can get down job seekers.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 11:16
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?
OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?
That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.
I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.
What is his masters in so I don't go back to school and make the same dumb assessed mistake?
Sadly, computer science. The problem is the man, not the degree. I love him, but he is ruining our family.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 10:42
Subject: How long do I need put up with laziness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Some women dont marry humans; They marry socioeconomic statuses. When that status changes downward, she wants out because it's not about the human to begin with. She feels like she's been cheated out the SES that he represented to her when they were younger.
That's fine. If he misrepresented himself, he probably understood your preference and he lied because he was insecure. Then his SES went down from there. I don't blame you for being disappointed and wanting out. Just be aware that there will be no pot of gold at the end of your philosophical rainbow.
ALL women marry socioeconomic statuses. Any man planning to get married needs to make peace with that fact. Or not get married. Otherwise, he is asking for a world of pain.
+1.
ALL women I know when they first met their husbands first talked about his job or degree or where he went to school:
"He works for NASA, you know"
"He's a frat boy from Duke"
He works for the NSA"
These were all some of the first sentences my friends used to describe their now husbands upon first meeting them. If a guy does not have an impressive/lucrative job, they wouldn't look twice at him.
You need to get out more. There are 3 billion women in the world. Not all of them marry for socioeconomic status. If you want to say "most" or "virtually all", fine. But, honestly, I did not marry for that reason, so there is at least one woman who did not.