The idea that someone who knew that her own sister was bedridden would text a gift wish list...is beyond ridiculous.

This woman is either a complete and total selfish a**hole or she does not have a good understanding of what is happening with her sister. If she is a self absorbed jerk - ignore her text, delete it. It she is NOT AWARE of the whole situation maybe it's time to clue her in as to the very serious nature of what is going on with your wife.

You could send them your "wish list":
- help with kids
- meals
- visit

"All we really need this year is your support to get through this crisis."

Maybe start a CaringBridge page to rally support around her recovery?

My family is like that. You are lucky to have your sister. I would text the SIL and say, I'd love to send gifts this year but things have been a bit difficult so we'll have to wait till things get better.

And btw, 1822PP here, don't you dare send gifts for the SIL's kids' wish list. Email back and say that you are too overwhelmed caring for your very ill wife and small children. Shame on them for sending such a note at this time.

Omg OP. After reading your updates, I want to slap them. Not acceptable. At all.

Can you rally local friends/her school? Who is your wife's most organized friend? Pur her in charge of getting help from your friends. She can organize meals, childcare help and anything else you need. Do you belong to a church or synagogue? Give them a call and let them know what is going on.

People are weird. Unless you are giving them the impression that you and your wife DO NOT want them around and there is nothing that you want them to do for them (you've offered, they've said "no, thanks"....I agree that it's strange that they disappear in times of trouble like that.

OP, I haven't read every response but I sort of understand what you're going through. Two years ago I had a much less serious medical incident that left me incapacitated for several months. I work FT and have 2 kids, and the reaction across the board was basically OK, that's interesting, what's new?

I don't resent my family at all - they live far away, one was caring for a parent with dementia, and my condition was so weird (idiopathic, no known cause) that I think it was hard for them to appreciate how disruptive and scary this was. I was more floored by friends and neighbors who saw me totally disabled or heard about my condition and never lifted a finger to offer a ride (I couldn't drive) or just come by and visit.

I have wondered what would happen if I had a more serious illness or one of longer duration: who would help my family? And yes, I have helped my friends in tough times - made meals, watched kids, etc. In my case I suspect that not asking explicitly for help was part of the problem. But it seemed so self-evident that I became really hurt that they didn't simply offer, as I'd done in the past for them.

Your experience is far, far worse and far more upsetting, and I would have trouble getting over it. But sadly, I suspect it's not totally unusual.

I'm so sorry, OP. And thank you for taking such good care of your family--it must be tough.

I'd keep her family informed and keep the lines of communication open, but have no expectations of help.

Time to reach out to her REAL family--her friends, coworkers, neighbors, your family. Anyone with whom she is close--church, whatever. Reach out, explain the situation, and ask for SPECIFIC help. I'm sure they will come through!

Best of luck. I hope the New Year is better for all of you.

Op, Re: Christmas & gifts, don't send anything and let the silence speak for itself. It's not a tirade, you aren't cutting-off relationships. But allow it to look like what it is - your family is in crisis-mode (now or recovering from). Pls don't fulfill your normal obligations. Re: them asking if they could help ~ In hindsight it would have been ideal if you could have listed concrete things they could do.

Are you in the DC area, OP?

OP, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Resentment is difficult to deal with because you can't resent your wife, she is sick. So the emotions can all go to other people. I would continue to ask for help in very specific ways. It is the holidays - I would appreciate if you all could each take a week or a few days to help us with our day to day routine. This would help me tremendously and help your sister/daughter. We do not have the resources or ability to have a Christmas without your help. Bobby, could you or your wife come Dec 18-24? Alex could you and your wife spend Christmas with us? Mom/Dad could you spend New Years?

I probably would have texted back something like "In what universe do you think I have the capacity to buy your children gifts when I am stretched beyond my limits caring for my critically ill wife these past several weeks and two small children, while trying to hold down a job to provide for us? Please don't ask more of me while my family is in crisis."

I would specifically ask if any of them can come and help you out for a few days (or even a week). I would NOT send any gifts, let them know you are completely overwhelmed and scared.

If they say they can't or don't respond you are still in the same boat you're in now. At least you gave them some specific requests.

Anonymous wrote:Outright you need to tell your wife's parents, "DW nearly died. Your grandchildren are struggling and we need help now. Everything is not okay."

Some families need to be told what to do.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. These inlaws are awful! Did they visit and help during maternity leaves?

Don't bother. It will be like getting water from a stone. It sounds as though they would be useless in a crisis situation.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You may want to set up a care page to help facilitate meals or child care. Wishing your wife a speedy recovery.

OP, your wife's family sucks. Period. Screw them. I'm terribly sorry for your wife's condition and for the total lack of support from her family.

The excuses are pathetic and the gift list is obnoxious. Respond however you see fit. Or don't. Whatever will make you feel better.

The idea of reaching out to your wife's school is really good. I'm a SAHM and I would absolutely see what I could do to help you. I know it feels incredibly awkward to say "this is what we need right now" but have a priority list in mind. "You know, what would really help most right now is ... "

Are you local?