Anonymous wrote:What would I write if I only wanted to write something like Smith Family on the card? Do I have to write Jane Doe and Smith Family? Is Smith family rude?

The Doe/Smith Family

I kept my name 20 years ago, and have never corrected anyone--unless it involved someone writing a check or something legal. After I corrected my own parents a couple of times (!) they stopped doing it. My in-laws have always been great about it.

I would not be bothered if someone sent me a card with "DH last family" written on it.

What would I write if I only wanted to write something like Smith Family on the card? Do I have to write Jane Doe and Smith Family? Is Smith family rude?

No, I don't correct unless they ask or it's important to get it right for some reason. My mil makes out a Christmas check to me every year made out to Me DHlastname. DH pointed out the first year that it was the wrong name, she gave major attitude but changed it, and in subsequent years used the wrong name again.

It's really rude behavior that reflects poorly on her. If it's an honest mistake by someone else it doesn't really bother me, but I do wonder why so many people make that common mistake in this day and age, in this fairly progressive area.

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. At the time, I felt very strongly about it. I've been married almost 20 years now and honestly, OP, this is not the hill to die on.

I don't correct anyone. Fyi, when you have kids, their adorable little friends will call you Mrs. DHLastName and assuming your kid has your DH's last name, their parents will be calling you Larla DHLastName because of your kid's last name.

It's all fine. My kids are now tweens and by this age, the parents and kids have figured it out!

+1,000 to this post.

Married 23 years, kept my name, but am happy to answer to "Mrs. HusbandName" if called it by anyone, unless that anyone is a person who is handling a business transaction with me. Husband's family, fortunately, has always used my name and not called me "Mrs. HusbandName."

I know that it's family members who are not using your name right, OP, but you mention that these family members are "cousins and grandparents." Certainly with grandparents, I would cut them slack as a generation that is so reflexively used to women changing surnames at marriage that they might never really remember consistently that you use another name. Just not worth worrying over or letting it affect how you think about these relatives. I'd let your husband, not you, correct them once and gently, and then just leave it.

OP, if you and DH don't have kids yet, you might find you just end up just smiling about this rather than correcting because you'd spend your child's entire school life correcting your child's friends and their parents and some teachers as well. I don't mind being called by my husband's last name especially as it's our daughter's name as well--after so long, I find it rather sweet somehow when I'm called that and I don't correct people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't correct people usually. I liked my husband enough to marry him; I'm not ashamed to be called by his name.

Would you husband have the same response if called by your last name? It's not about shame, it's about it not being your name!

But, I wouldn't correct people other than in person. You are allowed to be silently annoyed.

My husband doesn't care. He gets that occasionally ... usually telemarketers and kids activities where I registered (they have his LN but that doesn't always take).

At 6 months married, I would gently correct them once. After that I wouldn't and I typically don't correct anyone unless there is something that will lead to confusion down the road.

The only time I put my foot down was when an older man I work with (but am not close to) asked me what my new name was after I got married. I explained my name didn't change, he said something about not thinking that is ok and stating he'd like to call me by my "married name", and I asked him if he was confused about who he was talking to as it sounded like he thought I gave a shit what his opinion was.

Not my best moment but I work in a very good ol' boy environment where you really have to throw some elbows to get any respect.

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't correct people usually. I liked my husband enough to marry him; I'm not ashamed to be called by his name.

Would you husband have the same response if called by your last name? It's not about shame, it's about it not being your name!

But, I wouldn't correct people other than in person. You are allowed to be silently annoyed.

I don't ever get called by my husband's last name. Occasionally we get referred to as "the smiths" (his name) but that doesn't bother me.

What bothers me is that his family can't get our kids last name right. They have a two part last name (mine and his) and they always use only his. Every one else can get it right but not my in-laws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH and my wife did not take my name.

My grandmother always got it wrong, and that was OK because she was just old-fashioned.

My parents and other close relative get it right - but I have an aunt that for years has sent stuff to Larla and Larlo HisLastName - and it drives me crazy. They are either stupid or intentionally rude.

But still, not worth saying anything to them.

Well technically Larla and Larlo Hislastname isn't wrong because you didn't list what her last name is?

Idk I had names on my Christmas card list that didn't even fit on my envelopes. Including a wife who had a hyphenated last name and her husband had a different.

Technically, it is wrong because the convention for addressing a married couple is to use that form, so people will assume they share a last name.

This will be my second marriage. I kept my last name the first time, too. Fiancé and I just received Christmas cards addressed to us using only his last name. A few years ago, I would have been miffed. Now I figure they just can't remember my last name despite the reminders. Maybe that's the Wellbutrin talking.

Anonymous wrote:Do you bother correcting family members when they call you by your husband's last name? We are 6 months post-wedding and various cousins and grandparents from DH's family have sent mail only to me (i.e. birthday cards) addressed to "Larla (DH last name)". It drives me insane because I felt very strongly about keeping my name.

FWIW, I have kept my name on Facebook and if people ask I of course tell them. But I haven't made any sort of announcement (because that would be weird), so I guess everyone just assumes I forgot to change it on Facebook.

Send out Christmas or New Years cards and have address labels made showing both your names and mention it in the text. Plus, I agree withthe PPs, if you are only 6 months into it, I would tell people that you haven't changed your name. Have DH inform his relatives and you inform yours. When I got married 20 odd years ago, most asked me if I was changing or keeping my born name it was not assumed. No, 20 years later, a few still just use DH's last name and I let it go. DH does get a few things mailed to him with his first name and my last name- but those are corporation or non-profit mailing lists, not friends and family.

It only bothers me when I know they are doing it on purpose. Especially my brother, considering we share the same last name.

It doesn't bother me. Sometimes, rarely, someone who primarily knows me will call DH Mr. My last name. To me that's funny because that's my dad. DH doesn't like that.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH and my wife did not take my name.

My grandmother always got it wrong, and that was OK because she was just old-fashioned.

My parents and other close relative get it right - but I have an aunt that for years has sent stuff to Larla and Larlo HisLastName - and it drives me crazy. They are either stupid or intentionally rude.

But still, not worth saying anything to them.

Well technically Larla and Larlo Hislastname isn't wrong because you didn't list what her last name is?

Idk I had names on my Christmas card list that didn't even fit on my envelopes. Including a wife who had a hyphenated last name and her husband had a different.