Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me be more specific. My father said I deserved what he did to me.

Is that imperfect enough?

OP, I'm the one who talked about imperfect apologies.

Clearly, this goes beyond an imperfect apology and crosses the bounds into blaming the victim.

It's up to you to decide whether to cut all ties with your father or not, but certainly no one would blame you if you did. I'm so sorry.

As for whether to tell people you don't love your parents, I think anyone would/could understand that you don't, but maybe you want to find a more matter-of-fact way to phrase this. Something like:

"I don't involve my parents in my life at all at this point in my life and I really don't have much of an emotional tie to them."

Actually no, not "anyone" would/could understand that she doesn't love them, and there are plenty of people who would blame her if she did cut off contact. Just look at this thread.

Also it is not "psychobabble" to say that someone did not take ownership of their actions. Taking ownership of your actions and apologizing means saying "Yes, I did this. I recognize that it hurt you and I feel badly about that. I am sorry for what I did." If someone does not take ownership of their actions, they can not truly apologize. That's not asking for blood or wanting someone to go under a knife. That is a basic apology.

OP, being vague is usually the best route to take if parental relationships come up in conversation. For example: "Things are a little complicated." Polite people will not usually probe further after you say this. I've used it often.

You don't need to tell people (if you don't want to) that you don't involve your parents in your life or that you feel no love for them. It will only open you up to more comments along the lines of what has already been said in this thread. People make these kinds of comments and pressure you to reconcile because it makes people immensely uncomfortable to think about the severance of a parent/child relationship. They are trying to make themselves feel better, even among strangers on the internet. Again, if this same post was regarding a romantic partner, no one would be pressuring you to accept an apology. They would be telling you to run for the hills and not look back.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me be more specific. My father said I deserved what he did to me.

Is that imperfect enough?

OP, I'm the one who talked about imperfect apologies.

Clearly, this goes beyond an imperfect apology and crosses the bounds into blaming the victim.

It's up to you to decide whether to cut all ties with your father or not, but certainly no one would blame you if you did. I'm so sorry.

As for whether to tell people you don't love your parents, I think anyone would/could understand that you don't, but maybe you want to find a more matter-of-fact way to phrase this. Something like:

"I don't involve my parents in my life at all at this point in my life and I really don't have much of an emotional tie to them."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is socially unacceptable to broadcast that you hate your parents OP. Save it for your therapist. Most people can't understand this because their thinking is not black-and-whtie. You parents were not bad 100%. You are still alive today to write this message. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't fed and given you what you needed to thrive. Your parents had their problems, but maybe you can try respecting them for the things they did right by you. You might find a tiny bit of love in your heart for them. Not so black-and-white.

Oh, just STFU.

No I won't. It's the truth. You can go on and hate until you are as sick as the people you hate. Your parents won't care or lose sleep over it. You can always choose what to focus on. Be miserable or be happy. Be loving or be hateful. Your choice. I feel sorry for you.

Now you are the one being black and white. Who said anything about hate? Who said anything about being miserable? The absence of love does not equal hate.

Okay replace hate with resentment. Still got problems.

There you go being black and white again! The absence of love does not mean you resent someone. Why do you care so much if someone doesn't love their parents? Perhaps your parents abused you and you have so little self worth that you think you should be grateful for the crumbs they threw you and the fact you made it out alive?

I don't love my parents, OP. I wasn't brought up in an abusive situation like what you describe. You know the whole attachment parenting theory? Well, I am definitely text book insecure attachment. I always thought of my mom about as close as a school teacher. Someone who would make sure I didn't die, lol, but not much more than that. She wasn't close at all. Didn't respond to some basic needs. She refused to take care of me when I was sick because it freaked her out. No hugs, no I love yous, no nothing. Some emotional abuse, but nothing like what you have probably been through.

And my dad was never in the picture at all emotionally. I am very emotionally detached from them. I don't hate them at all. My father is dead, and I now take care of my elderly mother. I do it out of a sense of compassion for anyone who would be ill, and out of a sense of duty. But certainly not out of love.

Do I tell people this? Not really, I've told one friend, but that was within the context of ongoing discussions about parenting, etc.

What I "do" do is try not to repeat this pattern with my kid. I work very hard on helping him develop and maintain secure attachments. It's how I focus my (past) pain and (current) disappointment in my childhood relationships.

Anonymous wrote:OP, let's be friends. I completely understand.

Yes, I grew up with a drug-addicted, abusive mother. I don't love her. I feel sorry for her, but love, no. She is difficult to even like.

Recently, and within the confines of a church support group, I shared very briefly about my sad childhood. It was pertinent to the topic and helpful to another member who had a similar experience. I felt relieved to have talked about something that is typically so difficult for me to mention, but after the next gathering, the leader told me that I should specifically pray to ease these memories away. I thought this was dismissive and took it to mean th at I shouldn't mention such things again. Perhaps I was wrong to assume this but I felt ashamed that I'd once again tried to be open and honest and...I misjudged my audience.

I quit immediately. People just don't understand the depths of abuse, of sorrow, of neglect.

I'm sorry this happened to you. God hears your pain and loves you. Church is just sinners trying to be saints, failing and trying again, failing and trying again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is socially unacceptable to broadcast that you hate your parents OP. Save it for your therapist. Most people can't understand this because their thinking is not black-and-whtie. You parents were not bad 100%. You are still alive today to write this message. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't fed and given you what you needed to thrive. Your parents had their problems, but maybe you can try respecting them for the things they did right by you. You might find a tiny bit of love in your heart for them. Not so black-and-white.

Oh, just STFU.

No I won't. It's the truth. You can go on and hate until you are as sick as the people you hate. Your parents won't care or lose sleep over it. You can always choose what to focus on. Be miserable or be happy. Be loving or be hateful. Your choice. I feel sorry for you.

Now you are the one being black and white. Who said anything about hate? Who said anything about being miserable? The absence of love does not equal hate.

In fact OP specifically said they weren't worth hating.

Yes, that's what she said. In fact, she sounded totally indifferent.

I don't love my parents either and I don't say it because of exactly some of the reactions you're getting. People think it's something about me (ie: if I were healed or enlightened enough or something I would). I have done many years of therapy, I have healthy positive relationships with people and I generally see people, including my family, in a balanced light. I understand they did the best they could with the emotional and physical resources they had, but they were severely limited in their capacity to be parents and even decades later still are. They're abusive behaviors continue with me and I've seen them relating to my spouse and children that way so the best I can do is try to be in very limited contact and protect all of us. My parents aren't interested in changing because they don't see anything wrong with how they are, despite the fact they have literally no friends, very little family contact interaction and are generally unhappy people. I do feel sympathy for them but no, I don't love them. They've never shown love to me (or anyone really) over the years so I don't have that type of relationship with them. I wish I did and it's sad but it is what it is. Don't feel badly OP, just chose carefully who you talk with about it since many people can't relate and will look for something wrong with you simply because it's outside of their experience.

Anonymous wrote:
Is it a question of reciprocity?
I love my highly irritating mother, because she loves me despite being abusive.

My mother had no love for her own mother, because her mother had made plain over the years that she did not love her - and had actually said so.

That's probably the worst thing a parent could say to their child. I feel bad for your mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is socially unacceptable to broadcast that you hate your parents OP. Save it for your therapist. Most people can't understand this because their thinking is not black-and-whtie. You parents were not bad 100%. You are still alive today to write this message. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't fed and given you what you needed to thrive. Your parents had their problems, but maybe you can try respecting them for the things they did right by you. You might find a tiny bit of love in your heart for them. Not so black-and-white.

Oh, just STFU.

No I won't. It's the truth. You can go on and hate until you are as sick as the people you hate. Your parents won't care or lose sleep over it. You can always choose what to focus on. Be miserable or be happy. Be loving or be hateful. Your choice. I feel sorry for you.

Now you are the one being black and white. Who said anything about hate? Who said anything about being miserable? The absence of love does not equal hate.

Okay replace hate with resentment. Still got problems.

Is it a question of reciprocity?
I love my highly irritating mother, because she loves me despite being abusive.

My mother had no love for her own mother, because her mother had made plain over the years that she did not love her - and had actually said so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is socially unacceptable to broadcast that you hate your parents OP. Save it for your therapist. Most people can't understand this because their thinking is not black-and-whtie. You parents were not bad 100%. You are still alive today to write this message. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't fed and given you what you needed to thrive. Your parents had their problems, but maybe you can try respecting them for the things they did right by you. You might find a tiny bit of love in your heart for them. Not so black-and-white.

Oh, just STFU.

No I won't. It's the truth. You can go on and hate until you are as sick as the people you hate. Your parents won't care or lose sleep over it. You can always choose what to focus on. Be miserable or be happy. Be loving or be hateful. Your choice. I feel sorry for you.

Now you are the one being black and white. Who said anything about hate? Who said anything about being miserable? The absence of love does not equal hate.

In fact OP specifically said they weren't worth hating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is socially unacceptable to broadcast that you hate your parents OP. Save it for your therapist. Most people can't understand this because their thinking is not black-and-whtie. You parents were not bad 100%. You are still alive today to write this message. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't fed and given you what you needed to thrive. Your parents had their problems, but maybe you can try respecting them for the things they did right by you. You might find a tiny bit of love in your heart for them. Not so black-and-white.

Oh, just STFU.

No I won't. It's the truth. You can go on and hate until you are as sick as the people you hate. Your parents won't care or lose sleep over it. You can always choose what to focus on. Be miserable or be happy. Be loving or be hateful. Your choice. I feel sorry for you.

Now you are the one being black and white. Who said anything about hate? Who said anything about being miserable? The absence of love does not equal hate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is socially unacceptable to broadcast that you hate your parents OP. Save it for your therapist. Most people can't understand this because their thinking is not black-and-whtie. You parents were not bad 100%. You are still alive today to write this message. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't fed and given you what you needed to thrive. Your parents had their problems, but maybe you can try respecting them for the things they did right by you. You might find a tiny bit of love in your heart for them. Not so black-and-white.

Oh, just STFU.

No I won't. It's the truth. You can go on and hate until you are as sick as the people you hate. Your parents won't care or lose sleep over it. You can always choose what to focus on. Be miserable or be happy. Be loving or be hateful. Your choice. I feel sorry for you.

Congratulations on your good fortune. It is clear you were not a victim of persistent childhood abuse. I truly hope that if anyone harms your child as we were harmed you will not give him that same speech.

I guess I wonder why you feel the need to tell people you don't love your parents. If you "need" to do that then I'm guessing what you really need it therapy. I think you obviously know that culturally speaking not loving your parents is the exception and not the rule. So for most people that would seem strange or perverse or heartbreakingly sad. But most people likely cannot understand the depths of what you've dealt with. I know I can't. I didn't have a perfect childhood but in looking back now it was pretty close to it. And now that I'm a mother myself my primary goal is providing my children with a happy childhood where they feel safe and loved. I feel like if I can be successful in doing that and I've done my job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is socially unacceptable to broadcast that you hate your parents OP. Save it for your therapist. Most people can't understand this because their thinking is not black-and-whtie. You parents were not bad 100%. You are still alive today to write this message. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't fed and given you what you needed to thrive. Your parents had their problems, but maybe you can try respecting them for the things they did right by you. You might find a tiny bit of love in your heart for them. Not so black-and-white.

Oh, just STFU.

No I won't. It's the truth. You can go on and hate until you are as sick as the people you hate. Your parents won't care or lose sleep over it. You can always choose what to focus on. Be miserable or be happy. Be loving or be hateful. Your choice. I feel sorry for you.