Anonymous wrote:"Issues" aside, no one likes to be presented with a list of grievances all at once. Deal with things in the moment/during or shortly after the visit.

Ha. Exactly. That comes across as "I've been gritting my teeth and putting up with your sh*t for too damn long. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways - #1..."

I posted up thread but just wanted to add: don't waste your precious time and mental energy trying to change the way your inlaws think or feel, even if it's about you. You can't change how they feel, but what you can change how they treat you. You teach them by letting them know what behaviors and comments are not ok with you, as often as necessary. Even the most stubborn will learn eventually. A side effect of this is may be that they will probably come to gain more respect for you.

"Issues" aside, no one likes to be presented with a list of grievances all at once. Deal with things in the moment/during or shortly after the visit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
good luck with that.

Maniacal laughter is a clear indicator of insanity.

Have your ILs finally driven you over the edge?

Maniacal laughter can also be a clear indicate of not giving a shit. Ever thought of that.

Different poster here.

Heehee. I was the maniac poster. And I realize that my response was unhelpful and added nothing to the thread. And I'm very sorry for that! My issues are too lengthy for here. Luckily, my husband is on my side and does what he can, but still, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA about in-laws changing. I just try to see the silver lining in the whole experience, and all my other personalities keep me company!

Agree with the posters saying to just air your grievances in the moment, when you have a specific issue. If you come at them with a laundry list of grievances, they'll only get defensive. Anyone would. And that won't be productive.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's not emotionally healthy enough to handle an airing of grievances. I would skip it!

+1

This is my MIL. "Not healthy enough" is being nice.

Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to the wise advice you're getting here. Do not have a confrontation with your MIL; you will just highlight for her the things she should keep doing to needle you. Just start calling her out in stuff, in a mild tone, as things come up. Talk with your DH and make sure he knows HE is in charge of making plans with his family and scheduling time with them. Put energy into your other in-laws, like your DH's siblings snd nieces/nephews. Lower your expectations and reduce how much you engage and care. You will be happier! Skip the Big Talk with them, seriously.

ITA> If your MIL is as spiteful as some people in her position, talking to her will do no good, but only exacerbate her illness - er, nastiness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
good luck with that.

Maniacal laughter is a clear indicator of insanity.

Have your ILs finally driven you over the edge?

Maniacal laughter can also be a clear indicate of not giving a shit. Ever thought of that.

Different poster here.

Anonymous wrote:My husbands side of the family does not communicate well. They don't address problems and either sulk, ignore, make passive comments or a combination of the above. Several things have happened that have hurt me over the years and one major thing recently. My husband has brought it up in the past at my urging, but the situation did not change. I feel like we should both discuss my concerns and the problems of the past in person and DH has agreed. MIL said she was "perplexed about what we would want to discuss" but agreed. We'll see them in 2 weeks. Is this a bad idea? Should I let it all out (in as polite a way as I can) or will that overwhelm them. Did things improve for you after you conveyed what has been bothering you, hurtful or offensive? I figure at a minimum I'll be able to get things off my chest and if they reject my concerns, I'll definitely know where we stand. Or is it better to continue ignoring and just show up for the dog and pony show at Christmas and not see them again for another 6 months and accept this will be our relationship? I'm sad for my kids.

OP, let us know how this turns out. When my ILs are rude, we call them on their rude behavior. Of course, they don't like it, but too bad. I could not imagine staying quiet and having pent up anger about half the crap my ILs pull, frankly.

Here's my fantasy: ILs and sibs act like mature adults to set good examples for my kids.

Reality? My ILs had tantrums and petty spats with each other and DH in front of our kids when I used to show up. They used to gossip/complain about me to DH behind my back (even about parenting? even the childless ones?) when I didn't show up.

I even put up with SIL's hysterical antics when involved in a "LTR" with what turned out to be a man with a wife and kids in his home country. She put herself, family and friends through this self-caused drama for years!

After all this, I even let BIL live with us rent-free after he lost yet another job when I had a SN toddler in the house and then complained about me to DH! He had to go and I will never EVER see him again. Apologies? No way! Thank You? Not in his vocabulary.

Factor in this? None of our sibs are married and they're facing their 50s with extreme bitterness, so the people who didn't marry them probably made good choices.

We tried talking. We tried forgiving. We tried understanding. We tried "cautionary tale" (i.e., yes Auntie said/did that, but we don't say/do that in our house).

We've been married 20+ years. Our ILs/sibs will never EVER grow up. Their personalities solidified decades ago.

We're done.

Anonymous wrote:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
good luck with that.

Maniacal laughter is a clear indicator of insanity.

Have your ILs finally driven you over the edge?

It's amazing how common this issues are! If only I'd seen this thread when I got married 6 years ago.

My MIL pouts about us spending any time with my nuclear family. It makes me lose respect for her each time it happens. She loves to keep score about what we do with them that we don't do with her. But honestly, the thing that has helped the most is to stop caring. I know we are treating everyone fairly, I'm not keeping her from my kids, she is welcome anytime. She just HAS to see herself as the victim in her weird little drama. Whatever. We are fabulous and fun and have kick ass kids. She's the only one missing out because she spends more time manufacturing things to be upset about than actually spending quality time with her grandkids. Her loss.

I ripped my MIL a new one. It felt fo good. I have not seen that bitch in years.

OP, listen to the wise advice you're getting here. Do not have a confrontation with your MIL; you will just highlight for her the things she should keep doing to needle you. Just start calling her out in stuff, in a mild tone, as things come up. Talk with your DH and make sure he knows HE is in charge of making plans with his family and scheduling time with them. Put energy into your other in-laws, like your DH's siblings snd nieces/nephews. Lower your expectations and reduce how much you engage and care. You will be happier! Skip the Big Talk with them, seriously.

I have experience in this area, my inlaws have dysfunctional communication. It took me many years to figure out what works. I spent many stressed out years thinking that if we just talked it out, all would be better. That was never the case with my mil, talking to her was like navigating a minefield and always ended very very badly- usually with her in tears, and pages of emails.

What worked for me was this: engage only superficially. If they start saying crazy stuff, just ignore. If there are specific things that cross the line for you, bring it up in the moment, but very simply, as a request. It's important not to over explain or explain at all, and instead make very clear simple requests. Stay out of family drama. As hard as it may be, just let most bothersome comments roll off your back. Feel free to address them in the moment with a simple response that tells her she crossed a line for you.

Our relationship is virtually conflict free now, a complete 180 from a few years ago.