Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:22     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a first wife who has a decent relationship with my ex-in-laws after divorce. They are my daughter's family. They will always be her family, the same way that I will always be her family and my family will always be her family.

Your husband's parents are not slighting you. They are continuing to have a relationship with their granddaughter, regardless of whether she's with her mom or her dad. That's a good thing for her. If this was a situation where they were inviting your stepdaughter and her mom INSTEAD of you and your kids, that would be another story, but that's not what's going on.

The only issue right now is that this is happening behind your backs. I don't think it's fair for your husband to prohibit his parents from inviting his daughter to family holidays, but given that he did this and your MIL presumably agreed to it, I think it's fairly shabby of her to turn around and invite them anyway. I think your stance should be that they are welcome to spend time with your stepdaughter when you're not around, but you would like a head's up that she will be there for TG/Xmas/whatever, and leave it at that.


If it's on Facebook, it's not really happening behind their backs, is it?
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:20     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
You're not being slighted. It's not about you.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:16     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
OP, I'm a first wife who has a decent relationship with my ex-in-laws after divorce. They are my daughter's family. They will always be her family, the same way that I will always be her family and my family will always be her family.

Your husband's parents are not slighting you. They are continuing to have a relationship with their granddaughter, regardless of whether she's with her mom or her dad. That's a good thing for her. If this was a situation where they were inviting your stepdaughter and her mom INSTEAD of you and your kids, that would be another story, but that's not what's going on.

The only issue right now is that this is happening behind your backs. I don't think it's fair for your husband to prohibit his parents from inviting his daughter to family holidays, but given that he did this and your MIL presumably agreed to it, I think it's fairly shabby of her to turn around and invite them anyway. I think your stance should be that they are welcome to spend time with your stepdaughter when you're not around, but you would like a head's up that she will be there for TG/Xmas/whatever, and leave it at that.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:15     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.


Well then maybe the MIL is showing a little extra attention/love to a kid whose parents have been divorced her whole life and doesn't have such a great Mom. Perhaps your MIL doesn't have the same concerns for your kids?


This. I would guess that this is all about the grandkids and it would be best for all involved to bite your tongues, even if it chafes (and I can see how it would). It's for the kids. Repeat this to yourself as necessary. If the ex is limiting access, all the more reason that the grandparents are probably thrilled that they get this chance to see the little ones.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:14     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Your MIL and FIL sound like wonderful people, and most importantly, wonderful grandparents. Please let them be that way and don't interfere.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:08     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.


OP, it sounds like your inlaws are doing what they can to make sure they get to see your stepdaughter at the holidays. It is a very kind thing for them to do for your stepdaughter. Perhaps try to see it as your MIL doing for her granddaughter and not for her mother?
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:06     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.


Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting


OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.


Excellent post. Read and heed, OP.


+1
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:05     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.


Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting


OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.


Excellent post. Read and heed, OP.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:03     Subject: Re:In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
OP, you have received good advice. If it is true that DH is "furious" and feels that his mother has been "disrespectful" to him, then you have my sympathies. For, you have chosen to marry and produce children with the biggest weenie in the DMV area. No arguements about how awful the ex wife is justify his behavior. It is about his daughter, not him and not you.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:03     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Anonymous wrote:DH is furious because he has asked his mom in the past not to do this and he thinks it is disrespectful to the two of us. On the holidays when we do have his dd , they don't invite the ex, or at least haven't up to now, but I can't help but feel slighted in this situation. MIL doesn't seem to respect DH's wishes. I know children should come first, but this dynamic is very uncomfortable.


I agree that you and your husband need to grow up. You do not get to control who other people invite when you aren't there. Your in-laws are being VERY respectful. The do not invite the ex-wife when you will be there. But they do invite their granddaughter to their house when you aren't there. That's about as respectful as it can be. What you are asking is that they exclude their granddaughter for holidays when you aren't even going to be there. What would you do it every other year, if someone else besides you got to decide when your children got to see their grandparents and had veto rights for when your grandchildren could spend holidays with their grandparents. Would you think that was okay?

Frankly, you and your husband are acting like teenagers. Learn some manners and be more polite. You have absolutely no say in what the family does when you are not there. You don't even get to make such demands when you are there, but you can make requests. Their house, their family, they don't have to accede to those requests, but they can consider them. The fact that your in-laws are respectful enough to only do this when you aren't scheduled to be there is pretty laudable. I'm also sorry for your children that you are so sophmoric that they probably don't get to celebrate many holidays with their sister.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 10:01     Subject: Re:In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Like everyone said , you guys have to learn to make peace with this situation. His parents are older, wiser and are trying to handle it the best way they know possible. You can't dictate things to them. Above everything , this is for your step daughters well being. That overrides everything else.
I like your in laws who are making the effort to keep her connected.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 09:40     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
If they were just inviting the ex over with no grandchild in the picture, it would be very different. They just want to see their grandchild.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 09:38     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.


Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting


OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 09:37     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
Anonymous wrote:DH gets alternating holidays with his daughter. The other holidays we spend with my family. For the past few years, in laws have invited DH's ex wife, who he does not have a good relationship with, and daughter to the holidays that we are with my family. They don't mention they are doing it in advance, don't discuss with DH, we just end up seeing photos of everyone all together on facebook. I understand that they want to spend time with their grandchild, but shouldn't the ex be spending time with her side of the family on those holidays (they are local too)? A quick visit is ok, but to family thanksgiving? And without us? DH is furious because he has asked his mom in the past not to do this and he thinks it is disrespectful to the two of us. On the holidays when we do have his dd , they don't invite the ex, or at least haven't up to now, but I can't help but feel slighted in this situation. MIL doesn't seem to respect DH's wishes. I know children should come first, but this dynamic is very uncomfortable.



Doing the math from your other post it seems the child from your husband's first marriage is in elementary school and primarily lives with her mother. This child is young [therefore mom goes to dinner too] and is family. You said they were married for 1 year after the birth but for how long was she part of their lives? Your OP had this child at your husband's parents for all Thanksgivings - either with the father [your DH] or the mother.

The ex's parents may be local but that doesn't mean they are local for Thanksgiving [ie have other kids and go there] or that the ex and/or the child don't do 2 dinners/visits as is common for families that divorce. ie one of my DC's almost went to 3 dinners [ours plus a partner/SO has divorced parents]. The ex wife doesn't live in CA and isn't dead or disabled living in a nursing home so deal with her being alive.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 09:32     Subject: In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child
The crowd is right. You're being petty, and need to butt out of this situation. The child's grandparents want to see her on Christmas, or around Christmastime, and your husband's ex-wife is kind enough to allow it.

I can't even imagine why this would bother you.