Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:56
Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things that is widely outside the accepted social norms. Yet, if both parties are OK with it (and I mean truly and really OK with it), it's something a couple can decide. But too many such things widely outside accepted social norms -- and the marriage itself might be problematic.
To further my point, I'd add things like "is a marathon runner than needs to run 20k a day lest he/she shrivel up and die (and other high-intensity hobbies)", "'requires 10 hours of sleep every night all the time", and the like to my list of things "widely outside the accepted social norms." A lot of these things are OK or unobservable in a single person, tolerable without kids, but much less tolerable with kids.
Anonymous
12/01/2015 21:51
Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Spent TG with DH and my family. I don't enjoy the holidays when he comes to my family. I don't think he does either. He seems so uncomfortable/bored/annoyed/whatever and I find it exhausting to try to figure out what is going on with him/appease him/try to make him comfortable. Doing all this makes my holiday time at home somewhere close to miserable. On the flip side, I can't say that I particularly enjoy the holidays we spend with his family either. The difference is, I think I do a MUCH better job of having a poker face about the whole thing. I was thinking over the last couple days that I would much much much rather have spent TG with my family, he spend it with his, and we reunite after a few days with our respective families. There was nothing about TG dinner that made me think MAN I am so happy to be sitting next to DH right now...or....It would't feel like TG if DH weren't here. Nope, didn't think any of that.
Am i alone on this?
Ask yourself why are you trying to figure this out/trying to "appease him?"
He's not a toddler; he can use his words. Otherwise, ignore him. If he pouts, that's his problem.
I try to figure it out bc it becomes my problem. He gets totally withdrawn and ignores me. My fam wonders what's wrong with him and if they aren't being hospitable enough. Sometimes I say f it and ignore him. Then I feel alone and still feel like either way the holiday has been shitty.
Wow OP, you have described my husband. We have the same dynamic. My family tries, but dh is what they call "hard to entertain." I feel bad because they really are trying to make him happy. Like you, if I don't try, then I lose all connection with him.
Over the years, my dh has mellowed out somewhat. Or maybe he has just figured out that if he holes up in the guest bedroom in the basement watching tv and playing on his computer/ipad, we are all fine with that. He comes up for meals and we invite him on all walks and other outings (which he declines).
Before kids, we had a lot of separate holidays. The funny thing is that he has no better time with his own family than he has with mine.
PP, there is something wrong with this picture. Your DH is on the spectrum, has anxiety, or is just an ass.
Anonymous
12/01/2015 20:06
Subject: Re:Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
PP, we aren't married anymore-- but for totally different reason.
Anonymous
12/01/2015 20:05
Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:You have to do what works for you and your marriage. If spending Thanksgiving away from him will make you both happier, do it.
+1
I also hated to have DH at my family's house for the same reason. I didn't mind his so much because I was better at detaching from all the bullshit. His sister was a piece of work too. Lord help me. I think you should totally do it instead of being miserable, BUT (and this is important) I also don't think that his attitude should ruin YOUR time with your family. That is not his problem-- it's yours.
Anonymous
12/01/2015 16:55
Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We have an amazing marriage, but I too would like to spend holidays separate. It's irrational and unreasonable, but I just want to spend every single holiday with my parents. I only get to see my parents every other Christmas and it sucks. I see how much DH loves seeing his parents and family at holidays and know he'd prefer every holiday with his too.
Let go over the date - see your parents each holiday but some years Chrisas with them may be the 28th or the 22nd depending on how far apart the in laws live. Budget and plan for it if it is important to you both.
I have let go the date. But it doesn't change the fact that everyone gets together on December 25th. And if I'm not there, I won't see them (we all travel).
Anonymous
12/01/2015 16:52
Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:If my DH acted like that around my family, he would not be my DH anymore.
+1. Oh wait, he won't be much longer.