Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 13:32     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
This is an ideology for people. Your mom simply does not believe in ADHD just like other people believe, or don't believe, in astrology and that the alignment of the stars determine their personality. Don't engage with it.

If this were me, I'd call my mom and say something like - hey, I know we are of different minds on son's behavior, but we're on a really good track right now and we want to keep that going. Do you think we could keep that up with XYZ approaches at your house for Christmas? and if I don't get a solid "yes, of course!" then I'm not coming - but then again, my mom's not a jerk, so I could just be straight with her like that. If this woman isn't going to give you a straight answer, then I wouldn't even bother.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 13:23     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?


I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.


OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.


OP, you do need to have a real talk with your mom. That could prevent another spanking incident, assuming you plan ever to see her again after that. It sounds like you are, since you're pondering the holidays. I think that's your choice and I like you would not necessarily cut her off THIS time.

But you really, really need to have a talk with her. Or rather, AT her, if she will stay quiet long enough for you to talk. Even if a talk doesn't work on any level, you will at least know you tried -- you'll know you made an effort to offer her information and enough detail to act like an adult and walk away when your son's behavior is a problem for her.

The talk doesn't have to be "extensive" and you don't have to go into great detail. But you need to look her in the eyes, at a time and place when the kids are nowhere nearby and are not going to interrupt, and tell her that the reason you "are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him" is that he has a medical condition that has been diagnosed by doctors, and he is under doctors' care for the exact behaviors that prompted her to spank him. She would be worried and want to help him if he had a broken arm or leg, but he has an issue she can't see, and she is angry rather than concerned. I would tell her that you will take her to see his doctor and she can hear this directly from the mouth of an MD if she just cannot believe you. Explain that while you recognize that she sees his behaviors as "bad child behavior" and "lack of discipline," he actually has a brain problem that all the spanking and discipline in the world will not fix, ever. His condition means that what she sees as willful, intentional "badness" from him is something out of his ability to control. And I'd end with, "I know this is not something you experienced or heard about when you were parenting us years ago, but it does exist whether you believe it or not. He's our child, not yours, and we, not you, have sat through the doctor appointments and the school appointments and (etc.), and WE recognize that this is a medical condition, not Billy being bad or naughty, and not us being indulgent or ignorant. If you can't accept that -- you do not have to like it or even believe it but you do have to accept it -- we can see you. If you cannot accept it, I can visit you but not with the kids."

Do say that you will take responsibility for removing your son from her presence the instant things start to go south, so that she does not overreact. And then do just that, consistently. But if she lays a hand on him again, or expresses in words that he is bad or naughty, you will remove him and she won't see him again for a very, very long time.

In the example you mention, where she spanked him -- in the future, I'd let her be the one helping your daughter get ready etc., and you are the one with your son, for instance. And I'd be sure to visit her with another adult around, your husband or a more understanding sibling of yours or someone who can take either kid for a moment at times.

For this holiday, as others note, either don't visit (maybe go for a visit at a less fraught time than the holidays), or stay in a hotel. If she would be offended by your staying somewhere else, I'd tell her briefly and frankly, "I know that Billy's behaviors can be an issue for you so we're going to stay at a hotel to give you a break from him at times" and move on to another topic.


OP here. Thank you. THANK YOU! I don't want to presume that you have a child like mine, but you speak as if you do. I appreciate what you offered. As my mom as gotten older, she doesn't seem to have the same emotional bandwidth I remember. She goes all the rails at the slightest things.

I was only spanked once as a child, and she told me she deeply regretted it. So it shocked and saddened me when she decided this was the way to treat my child. Way up thread, a poster took issue that I mentioned Fox. It has direct baring on this situation. She saw a story where Gen X coddles children, ADHD is a myth, and what our nation needs is to stop inventing "brain disorders" and instead deal with unruly children. She quotes this story all the time.

As with all familial situations, this one is difficult. I will say that we don't allow our child to disrupt a classroom, party, or gathering. We leave when he is disruptive, and explain to him why it happened. We are aware, and so is he.

Again, thanks to all the posters that offered advice.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 12:32     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?


I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.


OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.


OP, you do need to have a real talk with your mom. That could prevent another spanking incident, assuming you plan ever to see her again after that. It sounds like you are, since you're pondering the holidays. I think that's your choice and I like you would not necessarily cut her off THIS time.

But you really, really need to have a talk with her. Or rather, AT her, if she will stay quiet long enough for you to talk. Even if a talk doesn't work on any level, you will at least know you tried -- you'll know you made an effort to offer her information and enough detail to act like an adult and walk away when your son's behavior is a problem for her.

The talk doesn't have to be "extensive" and you don't have to go into great detail. But you need to look her in the eyes, at a time and place when the kids are nowhere nearby and are not going to interrupt, and tell her that the reason you "are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him" is that he has a medical condition that has been diagnosed by doctors, and he is under doctors' care for the exact behaviors that prompted her to spank him. She would be worried and want to help him if he had a broken arm or leg, but he has an issue she can't see, and she is angry rather than concerned. I would tell her that you will take her to see his doctor and she can hear this directly from the mouth of an MD if she just cannot believe you. Explain that while you recognize that she sees his behaviors as "bad child behavior" and "lack of discipline," he actually has a brain problem that all the spanking and discipline in the world will not fix, ever. His condition means that what she sees as willful, intentional "badness" from him is something out of his ability to control. And I'd end with, "I know this is not something you experienced or heard about when you were parenting us years ago, but it does exist whether you believe it or not. He's our child, not yours, and we, not you, have sat through the doctor appointments and the school appointments and (etc.), and WE recognize that this is a medical condition, not Billy being bad or naughty, and not us being indulgent or ignorant. If you can't accept that -- you do not have to like it or even believe it but you do have to accept it -- we can see you. If you cannot accept it, I can visit you but not with the kids."

Do say that you will take responsibility for removing your son from her presence the instant things start to go south, so that she does not overreact. And then do just that, consistently. But if she lays a hand on him again, or expresses in words that he is bad or naughty, you will remove him and she won't see him again for a very, very long time.

In the example you mention, where she spanked him -- in the future, I'd let her be the one helping your daughter get ready etc., and you are the one with your son, for instance. And I'd be sure to visit her with another adult around, your husband or a more understanding sibling of yours or someone who can take either kid for a moment at times.

For this holiday, as others note, either don't visit (maybe go for a visit at a less fraught time than the holidays), or stay in a hotel. If she would be offended by your staying somewhere else, I'd tell her briefly and frankly, "I know that Billy's behaviors can be an issue for you so we're going to stay at a hotel to give you a break from him at times" and move on to another topic.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 11:56     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom. You should be glad that she cares enough to say her opinion. They are over diagnosing, and a lot of boys grow out of it. Ask the elderly who used to be teachers, they will tell you that boys out grow it. Find him a different school if that would help.


OP again. I love and trust my mom, but can't agree with her on this one. We have seen multiple specialists, all of whom tell us that he has special needs. And they are helpful, in that their guidance and therapy is making a difference. My oldest doesn't struggle with these issues, excels at everything, is well-mannered, and my mother points to her as an example of "how we did it right." Makes me crazy. We simply can't parent both kids the same.

And I will never believe in spanking, my mother's solution. It breaks my heart.

How do you say that you trust your mom when she spanked your son without permission? I can't even...!
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 11:56     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?


I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.


OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.


My God OP, I am saying this with all of the empathy for you that I can muster. I would never, EVER talk to my mother again if she did something like that. Forget trying to make her "understand" or "accept", she would never come near my children again.


9:07 here. Wow, she spanked your son? And I'm assuming you don't spank. Why would she do that? That is so wrong of her.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 11:56     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?


I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.


OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.


This is abuse and non-negociable. You need to distance yourself from her now. She should never ever be allowed to be with your child without you or your DH present. Skip getting together for at least one year.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 11:54     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
OP, I am also a mother of an ADHD child and I totally feel for you. Although our parents are mostly supportive, we did lose a few relatives and friends over our decision not to medicate. For those posters who think ADHD kids are disruptive - oh please. Wait until you meet kids with ED

OP, in your case, I'd not waste my time and money and just stay home. I am sure you can find plenty of activities for your ADHD boy to do.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 11:50     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?


I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.


OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.


My God OP, I am saying this with all of the empathy for you that I can muster. I would never, EVER talk to my mother again if she did something like that. Forget trying to make her "understand" or "accept", she would never come near my children again.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 09:25     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom. You should be glad that she cares enough to say her opinion. They are over diagnosing, and a lot of boys grow out of it. Ask the elderly who used to be teachers, they will tell you that boys out grow it. Find him a different school if that would help.


OP again. I love and trust my mom, but can't agree with her on this one. We have seen multiple specialists, all of whom tell us that he has special needs. And they are helpful, in that their guidance and therapy is making a difference. My oldest doesn't struggle with these issues, excels at everything, is well-mannered, and my mother points to her as an example of "how we did it right." Makes me crazy. We simply can't parent both kids the same.

And I will never believe in spanking, my mother's solution. It breaks my heart.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 09:07     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?


I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.


OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 09:07     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
I agree with your mom. You should be glad that she cares enough to say her opinion. They are over diagnosing, and a lot of boys grow out of it. Ask the elderly who used to be teachers, they will tell you that boys out grow it. Find him a different school if that would help.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 09:05     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well she is right.

Your poor parenting choices are preventing him from getting help. He needs medication. Get it for him. That's what a good parenting decision looks like.


How do you know the kid needs meds when you haven't met the kid or are probably a doctor with this expertise. OP, ignore.


pp here. Because a lot of people are reflexively anti-drugs and are shortsighted that way. Read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Weve-Got-Issues-Children-Medication/dp/1594487545


Every diagnosis is different. My child has ADHD and Asperger and we did not tell my mother for the same reasons OP is dealing with.

She is not on medication. The doctor who diagnosed her said we could consider it if and when her school performance showed she needed it. Then she got all 4s in DCPS elementary school, and now has 5 As and one B at Deal. She has never caused a disruption. We have to remind teachers to follow her 504 because spacing out and withdrawing feels like the opposite of a problem when you've got 23 kids to manage.

Medication has helped many friends (and my ADHD husband occasionally takes it as needed per his own doctor) but it is not a first resort and it's not always necessary.

We don't yet know what long-term damage a decade or more of medication will do to adults; the data simply isn't there yet. It can absolutely be a gift but any good clinician will tell you to take it on a case by case basis.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 08:28     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well she is right.

Your poor parenting choices are preventing him from getting help. He needs medication. Get it for him. That's what a good parenting decision looks like.


How do you know the kid needs meds when you haven't met the kid or are probably a doctor with this expertise. OP, ignore.


pp here. Because a lot of people are reflexively anti-drugs and are shortsighted that way. Read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Weve-Got-Issues-Children-Medication/dp/1594487545
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 08:28     Subject: Re:My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Back to the topic at hand...

OP, your mom's information about parenting is 20-30 years out of date. We know more about parenting and what works and what doesn't than when she was doing it. There's been a ton of research on what works and what doesn't for all kinds of kids, both NT and SN. She's just old and sounds conservative and change probably threatens her a lot.

Just let it go. Say "I'll keep that in mind, Mom," and change the subjet. Make a bet with yourself about how crazy she can get with her comments. If you win, (and you will!) buy yourself an ice cream.

Anonymous
Post 11/16/2015 08:26     Subject: My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs
Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?


I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.