Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 14:30     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
I'm going to try to say this as nicely as I can. OP, you need to ease up on things and take some responsibility for this. You are likely doing more than your spouse, but marriage is not just an equal work share arrangement.

I am married to someone similar, and we went to counseling over these things. I was frequently angry, feeling like DH didn't pull his weight. When we discussed specific things, I realized most things were things I wanted, not things we both wanted.

In your example above, why are you waking up so late that you don't have time to brush your hair. Your lateness is also rushing your kids. You shouldn't be so far behind that kids are eating granola in the car. Your DH likely felt the same way and he made them breakfast. You wanted to rush and be on time. He wanted them feed. Both are valid objectives.

You also seem to think he should intuitively know what you want done and when. These are things you want. Another example is the kids in bed by 8. Plenty of families have their children go to be later. This is your want. Not his..

Same thing with computer time. Why can't he be on the laptop while the kids are playing in the same room? I do this all the time. It is your want dor him to be one the floor playing. If crayons are left out where the kids can make a mess, then that is a collective fault. Why are the crayons where the kids can reach them?

If you want your marriage to work and to stop being angry all the time, you need to take some responsibility for your actions. If you're running low on money to outsource, you need to find a job that makes more. Your DH is just as sick of you judging, complaining, and looking down on im as you are sick of him.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 14:23     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.


I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?


+1. How is he even holding down a job?


poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.


I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom![/quote]

How in the world is this your mother's fault? You don't have to fix everything for your Dad.


If I didn't, he would be homeless, in tax trouble, and possibly dead for failure to manage his health. I think my mother was justified in divorcing him, but let's be real: it only solved the problem for her, not for me. My father truly loves me and I'm not willing to walk away from him like she did. I'm not telling OP not to divorce, but she should be real about what this means for her children in the long term.

Long term, it means her children have to decide what they are willing and not willing to do for another grown ass person who will not do for themselves.
Your mom did the best thing for you, she freed herself from a destructive relationship with a user. You need to set some boundaries or stop complaining because your mom did just that. Enabling those you love is not loving them, it's an excuse to keep them close and mired in their own dysfunction.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 14:21     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.


I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?


+1. How is he even holding down a job?


poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.


I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom![/quote]

How in the world is this your mother's fault? You don't have to fix everything for your Dad.

+100000
My father was like that, and there were things I would do and things I would not. I am a grown up and I can decide what I will and won't do for another person.
My father's irresponsibility was not a free pass to require me to do the things he would not.
Don't be mad because your mom did what you are not, saying NO!
dancingsunflowers06
Post 11/11/2015 13:33     Subject: Re:Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Sorry that you are doing through this. Have you talked to him about this specifically? Sometimes men don't even know that we feel this way because we don't vocalize it. I have told my husband, and he apologized and said to get outside help if I needed it since he was busy with his job. Hang in there mama, hope you can work it out.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 15:36     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.


I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?


+1. How is he even holding down a job?


poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.


I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom![/quote]

How in the world is this your mother's fault? You don't have to fix everything for your Dad.


If I didn't, he would be homeless, in tax trouble, and possibly dead for failure to manage his health. I think my mother was justified in divorcing him, but let's be real: it only solved the problem for her, not for me. My father truly loves me and I'm not willing to walk away from him like she did. I'm not telling OP not to divorce, but she should be real about what this means for her children in the long term.


Have to respond to the last PP with the incapable father. I'm in the same situation as you with my Dad, an no way in hell would I blame my mother for his issues. I completely understand why she divorced him, and anything I do for him is my choice. My dad would also be homeless at times were it not for me; however, there are government programs that can help both our fathers if they are so unable to mange themselves. Your anger with your mother is grossly misplaced. She is not obligated, nor should she be expected to stay with your dad simply because he's a PIA. Often these guys disguise these personality traits until the're past the honeymoon stage...so your mom probably didn't even know what she was getting into.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 15:23     Subject: Re:Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have recommendations for marriage counselors who have dealt with ADHD in the downtown area? I found the Adult ADD center at Dupont. I don't think he would ever walk through that door though. I will do research myself but would love to have any recommendations.


I suggest you post this direct question in a separate thread.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 15:19     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Anonymous wrote:A few things, OP. One is that people are different, and not everyone is a multitasker. You say above that if he stays with the children he makes literally no contribution to the household, like a meal cooked or a house project finished. Well, I am like that. If I am watching kids, I am probably not going to get anything else done - my brain just can't manage all that happening at once. That just may be the way your DH's brain works.

Second, when you describe your morning that was so frustrating, while your DH was feeding the kids eggs and toast, you were upstairs cleaning?!? Cleaning is what needs to be done when you all are in a rush? That sounds crazy to me. As you say, you get depressed when your standards are not met, so maybe it's depressing to you to leave a house when bedrooms aren't tidy or whatever. But that doesn't mean that your DH's approach is WRONG. I'd certainly prioritize a breakfast of eggs and a messy house over a breakfast of granola bars and a tidy house. You make it seem like there's one right way of doing things, and his is wrong.

I'd suggest the book, "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?" and maybe working with a couple's counselor who is very familiar with ADD and can actually coach you guys.


This isn't an issue of multi-tasking. Children need the undivided attention of their parents for some part of the day. How long they need this depends on their personality and the level of engagement and empathy of the parent. A person who praises themselves for being able to "watch the children", is doing just that - watching not engaging.

I think you are doing the right thing. Children can demand an awful lot and even though some children do not appear to be very demanding, the level of engagement of the parent still matters a lot in their development. Keep it up.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 14:35     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Why don't you just get over wanting shit? You'll both be happier.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 14:15     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
DH and I made a pact: no screen time for anyone until bedtime is over.

I think you should have one final talk with him, and then take the router cord and keep it in your pocket.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 14:12     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Router goes off when dinner starts. You keep the password. Or, throw his laptop out.

He doesn't have ADD. He is a lazy piece of shit, with a healthy dose of male entitlement.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 11:57     Subject: Re:Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Does anyone have recommendations for marriage counselors who have dealt with ADHD in the downtown area? I found the Adult ADD center at Dupont. I don't think he would ever walk through that door though. I will do research myself but would love to have any recommendations.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 11:53     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am no ADHD expert, but if your DH starts out cleaning the kitchen and within five minutes is instead goofing off on his laptop, that does not sound like it is ADHD-related to me. It sounds like passive aggressive behavior.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. My ex used to do stuff just like this and did not have ADHD, or at least no diagnosis. He would also end up on his computer when he was "watching" the kids.


I have spent five years getting really angry at him and now I just feel like there is not much left for me. I hate my life. I wake up every night with a sense of dread in the middle of the night, dart awake and feel it in my heart. I even hear the words, I hate my life.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 11:49     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
OP, I am no ADHD expert, but if your DH starts out cleaning the kitchen and within five minutes is instead goofing off on his laptop, that does not sound like it is ADHD-related to me. It sounds like passive aggressive behavior.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. My ex used to do stuff just like this and did not have ADHD, or at least no diagnosis. He would also end up on his computer when he was "watching" the kids.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 11:46     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, it seems you married a man who was never ever meant to be a father. In our society, there is too much pressure on people to have children and many who should not do. I think you need either to accept him as he is or divorce.

What attracted you to him in the first place? Are there things you love about him? Either focus on that or get out. He will not change if he doesn't want to, and it doesn't seem that he wants to.


This is exactly where I am, as a wife and mother and woman. There isn't enough in the relationship to sustain me, it doesn't even feel like there is actually a relationship. He says, "we will get through this" but the truth is I feel so sad, so lonely and so forgotten as a person myself. I feel like a task master / or ox or something.

This morning I was only trying to get dressed in a centered way, just to comb my hair and brush my teeth, and put on moisturizer, since I literally usually get to dash off one of those but not the others, while juggling twelve other things simultaneously. I drink my coffee cold in the car. I told him, "I don't think a few minutes for self care for myself should be an exceptional thing, a special event, i need to be able to get dressed for ten minutes and have you keep a basic routine on track." He disagreed.

We are talking past eachother. We've probably waited too long.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2015 11:46     Subject: Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.


I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?


+1. How is he even holding down a job?


poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.


I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom![/quote]

How in the world is this your mother's fault? You don't have to fix everything for your Dad.


If I didn't, he would be homeless, in tax trouble, and possibly dead for failure to manage his health. I think my mother was justified in divorcing him, but let's be real: it only solved the problem for her, not for me. My father truly loves me and I'm not willing to walk away from him like she did. I'm not telling OP not to divorce, but she should be real about what this means for her children in the long term.