Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:54
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A few observations:
1) The ex-friend has a major drinking/rage problem. She sounds like she could be dangerous if she escalates. Women do that too.
2)Lying is never a good policy because the truth will always come out.
3)The questions are:
-- why didn't you tell him earlier? Are you ashamed? embarrassed? not completely trusting of fiance's reaction?
-- why didn't you want to do those things with him? Did you secretly not want to do them with the other guy? Do you think that you don't want to do them with fiance but might meet someone else like that later in life? What dynamic screened fiance out but let ex-BF do those things?
Note that I'm not trying to judge you, but these are questions to ask yourself before you have a big confrontation with your fiance that may be potentially painful to you both.
She has more than a drinking problem! She's nasty and wants to ruin it for me and my man.
For sure if I told my fiance about the threesomes I don't think he would have reacted well at all. I know he was looking for a certain woman and I did my best to be that woman.
With the ex it really was just physical. It's not so much that I was embarrassed to be in them it's sort of that after a while I felt like I was being used physically and that was it. Maybe the first one was awkward but the times after I thought I was having fun until it came to me that I was sort of being used and I didn't want to do it any more. Does that make sense?
Alos about being shy in bed. Again I didn't want my fiance to get the idea that I've done that stuff before him especially since he hasn't done any of that.
Dude, you are really immature. So you lied and presented yourself as someone you aren't. Your fiance is right to be upset. He fell in love with a woman that doesn't exist. You guys have issues.
I agree with this. You can't try to be a woman you aren't just to be with him. It is a two way street and it's obvious you both have different standards. I don't see this turning into a long term relationship.
Also, OP, you should want to be with someone who loves you for who you are, "good" and "bad." If you feel that you need to change yourself to become acceptable to someone, that is not a person you should spend your life with.
There is a guy for you. There is a girl for him. Based on what you've said here, it doesn't sound like you are those people for each other.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:51
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A few observations:
1) The ex-friend has a major drinking/rage problem. She sounds like she could be dangerous if she escalates. Women do that too.
2)Lying is never a good policy because the truth will always come out.
3)The questions are:
-- why didn't you tell him earlier? Are you ashamed? embarrassed? not completely trusting of fiance's reaction?
-- why didn't you want to do those things with him? Did you secretly not want to do them with the other guy? Do you think that you don't want to do them with fiance but might meet someone else like that later in life? What dynamic screened fiance out but let ex-BF do those things?
Note that I'm not trying to judge you, but these are questions to ask yourself before you have a big confrontation with your fiance that may be potentially painful to you both.
She has more than a drinking problem! She's nasty and wants to ruin it for me and my man.
For sure if I told my fiance about the threesomes I don't think he would have reacted well at all. I know he was looking for a certain woman and I did my best to be that woman.
With the ex it really was just physical. It's not so much that I was embarrassed to be in them it's sort of that after a while I felt like I was being used physically and that was it. Maybe the first one was awkward but the times after I thought I was having fun until it came to me that I was sort of being used and I didn't want to do it any more. Does that make sense?
Alos about being shy in bed. Again I didn't want my fiance to get the idea that I've done that stuff before him especially since he hasn't done any of that.
Dude, you are really immature. So you lied and presented yourself as someone you aren't. Your fiance is right to be upset. He fell in love with a woman that doesn't exist. You guys have issues.
I agree with this. You can't try to be a woman you aren't just to be with him. It is a two way street and it's obvious you both have different standards. I don't see this turning into a long term relationship.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:45
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
This comes up on this forum every few months, and every time, it devolves into "Why aren't you willing to experiment with him? You're playing it safe, you former hussy!"
OP, your past is your business. You can choose to tell him, but you absolutely do not have to answer his demands for full disclosure. You can tell him, "I'm sorry that I was not forthcoming with you about the details of my sex life with _____. That's a time in my life that I was glad to leave behind, in favor of the future I see with you." His need for numbers and details is kind of disturbing to me, because I cannot see what use that information would be.
My husband and I both have fairly checkered sexual pasts. We've both had threesomes. We've both had one night stands. We've both had a lot of partners (20+). Our sex life is sometimes experimental, sometimes quite vanilla. It is not about what we did with other people, though. Neither of us feels like we must go out and have threesomes or do crazy sexual gymnastics simply because we have, in the past, done those things. We relate to each other based on the here and now. Occasionally, one of us will mention something from our pasts that turns the other's head, but when that happens, we talk about it like adults. It doesn't turn into an interrogation about what we did, and where, and with who, and whether we want to do it again.
I'm glad that you have figured out what kind of romantic and sexual relationship you want in the future. If you had entered this relationship and been slightly more upfront about your past ("I had some wild times with ____, but that's something I have chosen to leave behind.), it's likely that things would be different now. Unfortunately, he may not be okay with your refusal to tell him everything. It might be the thing that kills your relationship.
Which is not entirely a bad thing. Realistically, even if you tell him every gory detail now, that information won't make him feel any better about you now. It might actually make him feel worse, and for years to come, any time you're not interested in doing exactly what he wants sexually, he may think of this issue and blame it for (otherwise normal) sexual ups and downs.
OP, your past is your business. You can choose to tell him, but you absolutely do not have to answer his demands for full disclosure. You can tell him, "I'm sorry that I was not forthcoming with you about the details of my sex life with _____. That's a time in my life that I was glad to leave behind, in favor of the future I see with you." His need for numbers and details is kind of disturbing to me, because I cannot see what use that information would be.
My husband and I both have fairly checkered sexual pasts. We've both had threesomes. We've both had one night stands. We've both had a lot of partners (20+). Our sex life is sometimes experimental, sometimes quite vanilla. It is not about what we did with other people, though. Neither of us feels like we must go out and have threesomes or do crazy sexual gymnastics simply because we have, in the past, done those things. We relate to each other based on the here and now. Occasionally, one of us will mention something from our pasts that turns the other's head, but when that happens, we talk about it like adults. It doesn't turn into an interrogation about what we did, and where, and with who, and whether we want to do it again.
I'm glad that you have figured out what kind of romantic and sexual relationship you want in the future. If you had entered this relationship and been slightly more upfront about your past ("I had some wild times with ____, but that's something I have chosen to leave behind.), it's likely that things would be different now. Unfortunately, he may not be okay with your refusal to tell him everything. It might be the thing that kills your relationship.
Which is not entirely a bad thing. Realistically, even if you tell him every gory detail now, that information won't make him feel any better about you now. It might actually make him feel worse, and for years to come, any time you're not interested in doing exactly what he wants sexually, he may think of this issue and blame it for (otherwise normal) sexual ups and downs.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:43
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Did she lie? I think it's normal to not get into every gory detail about your prior sex life.
"I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future."
It sounds like you're marrying a guy from a pretty snooty background. This isn't a question that regular guys ask.
I am a guy, and I don't think this really needs to be a big deal, but if you want to marry into some high-society family, where keeping up appearances means everything, get used to being judged and critiqued.
A lie of omission is a lie. And yes, if you introduce your ex-boyfriend, with whom you had threesomes, to your current boyfriend as your "good friend" - that does count as a lie. That's not a gory detail.
And asking if there were anything potentially embarrassing, and having her not tell him about the ex and the threesomes, thus allowing some drunk ex-friend of hers to blurt it out in public? That would embarrass anyone, not just people from snooty backgrounds. Forewarned is forearmed. He gave her the chance to be open and honest. Had she been, the drunken episode in the bar wouldn't have embarrassed either of them.
And if you think that having some loud drunkard talking about your sexual past in public isn't embarrassing to almost everyone? You must have a very thick skin indeed.
It wasn't a lie of omission. It was a lie. He asked her if there was anything she had done she was embarassed about and she flat out said no.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:41
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hi everybody, I am really in a bind here and not sure what to do.
Almost a year and a half ago I met my now fiance. When we met we clicked instantly and became an item right away. He is charming, intelligent, attractive, educated and an all around great guy. About four months ago, we moved in together and it's been great - we have similar interests and just really enjoy the time we spend together. I knew he was serious about me when he started talking about the future as "our future together." I can honestly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
A couple of months into our relationship, we had a talk about our past boyfriends / girlfriends. He's 31 (I'm 28) and has had a few girlfriends; some serious, some not so serious but never just casual. I had absolutely no problem with any of that. I realized, however, that his "number" was lower than mine and that he has never tried any crazy stuff. Sooo... I didn't go into full details about my own past. In particular, I did not mention anything about my boyfriend before him. That boyfriend and I did not last long but right from the beginning, it was "anything goes." When we broke up romantically we remained friends and I've since introduced him to my fiancé as my "good friend." My fiancé was accepting of what information I did divulge. I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future. I answered "no." Life together continued great and we got engaged in June!!
When we first started dating, it was different with my fiancé because it took a while for us to become lovers. When we did, I discovered that he is great between the sheets! Even so, I have been a bit hesitant to let loose completely in the bedroom. He has suggested on numerous occasions that since he has found in me his true love, he would like for us to be more adventurous in bed. He wants to try stuff he has never tried with another woman. I have so far resisted even though what my fiancé wants is not really new to me - I had those experiences with my ex.
Fast forward to last week. We were at a pub with a bunchy of our friends. Everyone had plenty to drink and loud conversations were everywhere. At some point I noticed that this total b*tch who used to be my friend (or so I thought!!) was also in the pub. She saw me and came over. She used to be my friend but we had a really terrible falling out and haven't spoken since. Anyway, she was beyond drunk and started blabbering away. I tried to ignore her so she'd leave but she did not take the hint so I politely asked her to leave. She got angry and started mouthing off. At some point she looked at my fiance and asked him if he knew that I had threesomes with my ex (she had the nerve to mention him by name!!!) and some other guy!! My fiance told her to get lost and stood up and she backed off and slithered away.
Pretty soon after that my fiancé just looked at me and said let's go. In the car and at home there was no conversation. The next day he asked me if what the b*tch said was true. I stammered and didn't really say anything coherent. In fact, it was true. With my ex I had a (small!) number of threesomes (and I had confided all that to the b*tch way back when) . My guy took my non answer as a yes and I finally did admit it. He says that I have deceived him and humiliated him. He feels terrible and he says it's worse since he figures all our friends now know as well. He has said that he is now reconsidering things between us. Even though I told him all that was in the past and that I love him with all my heart, he still feels like he's been duped. He's also extremely angry that I hadn't wanted to experiment with him while I had "no problem" experimenting with the other guy. When I asked him what I could do, he said he wants to "revisit" our past relationships talk and how many guys I've been intimate with. He also wants to know more about my ex and who the second guy in the threesomes was.
What do I do? He really is the real deal. I have dated enough losers and jerks in the past to recognize this. I don't want to lose him. He is the only man I have ever wanted to marry. I'm incredibly sorry that he was humiliated. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be so appreciated.
I think your fiance is immature. And so are you. If you were embarassed about the threesome and he asked you if you had done anything you were embarassed about, you should have said so (who hasn't done anything they regret?!) but then just not have given him any details. Instead, you lied, which is worse.
So come clean if you want, or tell him your past is none of his business. If you're a good person and he's the real deal, then he'll stick around.
Listen, asking about that is not immature. In fact it shows foresight especially if he works or plans to work where background checks and security clearances are required. He sounds like he is one of those "goal oriented" types the girls like to say they want. He spent his 20s focused on
the future... not out experimenting sexually. He probably has concerns about career and social mobility.
Only the CIA cares about your sexual history, and that's only if you care about it enough that you're blackmailable.
But yeah, now that OP came back with additional details I completely agree that her fiance has a right to be pissed off.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:39
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Anonymous wrote:Did she lie? I think it's normal to not get into every gory detail about your prior sex life.
"I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future."
It sounds like you're marrying a guy from a pretty snooty background. This isn't a question that regular guys ask.
I am a guy, and I don't think this really needs to be a big deal, but if you want to marry into some high-society family, where keeping up appearances means everything, get used to being judged and critiqued.
A lie of omission is a lie. And yes, if you introduce your ex-boyfriend, with whom you had threesomes, to your current boyfriend as your "good friend" - that does count as a lie. That's not a gory detail.
And asking if there were anything potentially embarrassing, and having her not tell him about the ex and the threesomes, thus allowing some drunk ex-friend of hers to blurt it out in public? That would embarrass anyone, not just people from snooty backgrounds. Forewarned is forearmed. He gave her the chance to be open and honest. Had she been, the drunken episode in the bar wouldn't have embarrassed either of them.
And if you think that having some loud drunkard talking about your sexual past in public isn't embarrassing to almost everyone? You must have a very thick skin indeed.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:35
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Subject: Fiancé asked about my sexual past; I lied, then took him to my social group where all my secrets lie
Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:29
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Did she lie? I think it's normal to not get into every gory detail about your prior sex life.
"I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future."
It sounds like you're marrying a guy from a pretty snooty background. This isn't a question that regular guys ask.
I am a guy, and I don't think this really needs to be a big deal, but if you want to marry into some high-society family, where keeping up appearances means everything, get used to being judged and critiqued.
"I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future."
It sounds like you're marrying a guy from a pretty snooty background. This isn't a question that regular guys ask.
I am a guy, and I don't think this really needs to be a big deal, but if you want to marry into some high-society family, where keeping up appearances means everything, get used to being judged and critiqued.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:24
Subject: Re:My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Maybe he's ready to sow his wild oats and you're all done and want to settle down ...
What's wrong with the guy wanting the same treatment as previous boyfriends with whom OP engaged in consensual sexual adventurous activities?
Anonymous
11/06/2015 09:12
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Anonymous wrote:Hi everybody, I am really in a bind here and not sure what to do.
I think you should break up. You betrayed him by lying about your past, and he caught you in that lie. Moreover, he is right to be embarrassed that he didn't know that you had lied about your ex-boyfriend and the nature of your "friendship."
Look, your current relationship is based on a huge lie about who you are as a person. You lied about your sexual past in order to mold yourself into something you thought would be more palatable to him. How is this a healthy relationship at all? You have never been your true self in it.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 08:53
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hi everybody, I am really in a bind here and not sure what to do.
Almost a year and a half ago I met my now fiance. When we met we clicked instantly and became an item right away. He is charming, intelligent, attractive, educated and an all around great guy. About four months ago, we moved in together and it's been great - we have similar interests and just really enjoy the time we spend together. I knew he was serious about me when he started talking about the future as "our future together." I can honestly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
A couple of months into our relationship, we had a talk about our past boyfriends / girlfriends. He's 31 (I'm 28) and has had a few girlfriends; some serious, some not so serious but never just casual. I had absolutely no problem with any of that. I realized, however, that his "number" was lower than mine and that he has never tried any crazy stuff. Sooo... I didn't go into full details about my own past. In particular, I did not mention anything about my boyfriend before him. That boyfriend and I did not last long but right from the beginning, it was "anything goes." When we broke up romantically we remained friends and I've since introduced him to my fiancé as my "good friend." My fiancé was accepting of what information I did divulge. I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future. I answered "no." Life together continued great and we got engaged in June!!
When we first started dating, it was different with my fiancé because it took a while for us to become lovers. When we did, I discovered that he is great between the sheets! Even so, I have been a bit hesitant to let loose completely in the bedroom. He has suggested on numerous occasions that since he has found in me his true love, he would like for us to be more adventurous in bed. He wants to try stuff he has never tried with another woman. I have so far resisted even though what my fiancé wants is not really new to me - I had those experiences with my ex.
Fast forward to last week. We were at a pub with a bunchy of our friends. Everyone had plenty to drink and loud conversations were everywhere. At some point I noticed that this total b*tch who used to be my friend (or so I thought!!) was also in the pub. She saw me and came over. She used to be my friend but we had a really terrible falling out and haven't spoken since. Anyway, she was beyond drunk and started blabbering away. I tried to ignore her so she'd leave but she did not take the hint so I politely asked her to leave. She got angry and started mouthing off. At some point she looked at my fiance and asked him if he knew that I had threesomes with my ex (she had the nerve to mention him by name!!!) and some other guy!! My fiance told her to get lost and stood up and she backed off and slithered away.
Pretty soon after that my fiancé just looked at me and said let's go. In the car and at home there was no conversation. The next day he asked me if what the b*tch said was true. I stammered and didn't really say anything coherent. In fact, it was true. With my ex I had a (small!) number of threesomes (and I had confided all that to the b*tch way back when) . My guy took my non answer as a yes and I finally did admit it. He says that I have deceived him and humiliated him. He feels terrible and he says it's worse since he figures all our friends now know as well. He has said that he is now reconsidering things between us. Even though I told him all that was in the past and that I love him with all my heart, he still feels like he's been duped. He's also extremely angry that I hadn't wanted to experiment with him while I had "no problem" experimenting with the other guy. When I asked him what I could do, he said he wants to "revisit" our past relationships talk and how many guys I've been intimate with. He also wants to know more about my ex and who the second guy in the threesomes was.
What do I do? He really is the real deal. I have dated enough losers and jerks in the past to recognize this. I don't want to lose him. He is the only man I have ever wanted to marry. I'm incredibly sorry that he was humiliated. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be so appreciated.
I think your fiance is immature. And so are you. If you were embarassed about the threesome and he asked you if you had done anything you were embarassed about, you should have said so (who hasn't done anything they regret?!) but then just not have given him any details. Instead, you lied, which is worse.
So come clean if you want, or tell him your past is none of his business. If you're a good person and he's the real deal, then he'll stick around.
Listen, asking about that is not immature. In fact it shows foresight especially if he works or plans to work where background checks and security clearances are required. He sounds like he is one of those "goal oriented" types the girls like to say they want. He spent his 20s focused on the future... not out experimenting sexually. He probably has concerns about career and social mobility.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 08:51
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
OP, pay attention to this, it's important. You want to be with a guy who accepts you for who you are, warts and all. Not the guy who only likes the "perfect" side of you. Talk to your fiance, sincerely, and then give him time and space to process things. IF he comes back, listen to what he has to say, you may discover from the way he handles this issue that he's not the guy for you afterall but please, for the love of God, pay attention. Life is long, marriage is even longer, choose wisely.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 08:31
Subject: Re:My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
OP, just tell him what you wrote above. It's honest. You are human, you like the guy and was afraid of being judged. It happens. If your fiance can't see through a basic human flaw and love you enough to allow you to be human, then let his perfect self take a hike. He's not the one for you afterall. This is a test of how you two will handle indiscretions down the road. You don't want to be with someone who expectsaid you to be flawless, it's exhausting.Anonymous wrote:My fiance absolutely IS 100% the real deal. It's just I guess that we have pasts that are different. I know it's a touchy topic so I didn't go all out there when we talked. I guess I wanted him to see me having a past sort of like his if that makes sense.
He's super pissed that we've hung out with the guy I did what I did and that i told him he was just a friend when he wasn't. He feels like that guy is laughing at him and that everybody now knows. How do I calm all this down?! He's such a great man I feel awful about all this
Anonymous
11/06/2015 08:09
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Anonymous wrote:Hi everybody, I am really in a bind here and not sure what to do.
You end it now. I know it sucks and involves heartbreak, but you are much better off knowing this now. You knew he was going to be uncomfortable with your sexual history, and shame|dump you over it, that's why you didn't tell him. You don't want to be with a guy who shames you and puts you down. Trust me on this, having been married to someone who was constantly insecure and shaming about sex, it was a complete drag and our sex life sucked. You don't want to be with someone who thinks you are "a slut" and considers "slut" to be negative...there are plenty of guys out there (raises hand!) who consider "slut" to be a positive and would be thrilled to be with someone like you.
Anonymous
11/06/2015 07:52
Subject: My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sorry Op, but you were a total jerk for introducing this ex boyfriend as "your good friend" and not mentioning a thing about your past romantic/sexual relationship with this guy.
It isn't your "bitch" friend's fault that you have been less than forthcoming with your fiance - that is 110% all on YOU. Not sure what advice you want to hear. Honestly you really do not sound ready for marriage. You might want to rethink that.
Reading comprehension.
Nope. Some things don't require great analysis. It isn't so much that Op had threesomes, it is the fact that Op is bringing her fiance around a group that not only includes the ex boyfriend but this entire group knows about Op's past exploits. Op has left her fiance completely out of this loop of info - the only one who didn't know. And, yeah, now he wants to know about what else Op hasn't told him - who the other threesome guys were, etc - because it is pretty damned obvious that Op has no discretion and these details are out there and widely known. It is his business. Op appears to be trying to paint her fiance as the jealous type. But the fact is, Op willingly put her fiance in a crappy situation where he had to hear about these details from some blabby "bitch" friend. Yeah, he feels duped, embarrassed, a fool. That is not the way you treat a guy that you supposedly love.