OP and others, I found this workbook to be really useful for me and my husband in terms of trying to figure out what was most important to us about Christmas:

http://www.amazon.com/Get-Christmased-Create-Christmas-season/dp/0692562567/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1446825173&sr=1-1&keywords=get+christmased+2015

Magda ran the awesome parenting blog Ask Moxie for years (that's how I found DCUM! and learned about sleep regressions!) and her book is really helpful in terms of teasing out those hidden expectations that we have but can't articulate well. It might be helpful for you and your DH!

When couples marry they need to start their own holiday traditions that do not involve going to parents/in laws houses. You have your own house now and three children and the time has come to spend holidays at your house and start your own traditions. Also, remember this when your children have their own families and do not guilt the,m into spending holidays with you.

My brother has always lived in another state. He and his wife traveled for every single holiday for 10 years. WHen they had kids he said NO MORE. If you want to see us, come to us. If not, we'll see you another time.

We all did just that, until more kids started coming. Now we spend holidays apart and see each other at different times of year.

He totally has a right to have Christmas at his house with his kids. I want the same, and now that I have kids, it means we won't see each other on Christmas. That's OKAY!

You in laws don't get to decide this. You and your DH need to figure it out. Things change and you will soon have three kids. It's ok to want to stay home every year.

I agree that this isn't a problem to solve now. But there are two ways to get back on the schedule you want. You can do this year and next with your family or this year with yours and the next two with DH's family. since this will be the second in a row with your family I can see your DH's point. Like others we solved the family holiday issue by staying home and picking other times to visit family during the season.

Anonymous wrote:Op, take one holiday at a time. You are going to drive everyone insane otherwise.

This, please. This year doesn't have to be part of a big plan, no need to schedule out so far. It makes for a brittle agreement all around, with everyone clinging to their piece of promise rather than focusing on the holiday at hand.

Focus on Xmas 2015, with all of the fun memory-making you have planned. It may help keep things smooth (and help DH understand your vision) once people see what it is that you mean by building tradition at home.

That said, you can do some thinking as to the future. For example, you could start thinking about another tradition that you can specifically draw your ILs into. Nutcracker in early December? What about tooth fairy down the road? I can see the pressure to maintain peace throughout the family as you bring your vision of Xmas at home for a few years into being. But, you don't need to bring others into it right now. Pace yourself. Situations naturally evolve. Nothing wrong with keeping things flexible. Your struggle is with fairness. I see that.

Honestly, as someone with no family, it's an awesome problem to have. So, try to remember that.

----Single mom, parents deceased (and they were never big on Xmas anyway), only sibling overseas.

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you say you will be out of sync with your siblings etc., does that mean that your siblings travel from elsewhere to be at your parents for Christmases when you spend Christmas with your parents? What are the reasons exactly why your husband's parents and brother don't want to spend Christmas with you at your house?

I'm curious about this, too.

I'm also surprised by how many people are taking her side. I don't think it makes any sense to commit to anything more than a year in advance, but OP's argument seems to be that she wants to be in her house and her husband's is that he'd like to be with his family. My immediate reaction is that what he wants makes more sense and is kinder to the whole family (but that may not hold if OP only gets to see the rest of her siblings every other year at Christmas).

We have always traveled at Christmas -- three kids, eight hours on the road. I say that to point out that it's not an epic feat, but I realize that it may be more than some families can handle if they want to maintain any sort of Christmas cheer. (I do not miss nursing at rest stops.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, take one holiday at a time. You are going to drive everyone insane otherwise.

Her in-laws pushed the issue when she said they weren't coming this year. Not her call, unfortunately.

I disagree. She can just say "we are taking it one holiday at a time, since who knows what our family situation will be next year with 3 children. We are so sorry you didn't want to come this year and will let you know about next year, well, next year."

I was reading along pleasantly until you said your inlaws put a "stipulation" on your plans essentially agreeing to it but wanting you to promise something in return.

No.

That is obnoxious. I know you say they are great, and I'm sure they are, but that is really too much scheming and dealing for something as personal and emotional as Christmas.
You have 2 children and another on the way. As a PP said, you made and offer and it was refused, so that's that.

This shuttling back and forth for Christmas may not make the best memories for them as you try to force repeating your memories. It's kind of bizarre to try to recreate your childhood when your childhood was NOT driving and switching holidays with stipulations and demands. Why do you want to make that your children's experience? For the adults? It's actually closer to recreating to stay home. Maybe your husband needs to look at it from that perspective.

Anonymous wrote:Op, take one holiday at a time. You are going to drive everyone insane otherwise.

Her in-laws pushed the issue when she said they weren't coming this year. Not her call, unfortunately.

When our third child was born we changed our holiday routine. I hated being on the road for Christmas - traveling with small children and packing was just too much on top of the holiday preparations. Now we do Thanksgiving every year with my family (out of town) and Christmas every year with the in-laws.

For some reason OP keeps ignoring the question about how exactly her family is "synced up" with this particular schedule. That is very telling to me. "Synced up" doesn't mean anything in and of itself, OP. The question is exactly what would be lost if you went to your ILs next year? Would there be specific relatives you would never see bc of the new rotation? Or are you just saying your family is used to how things are? Bc that to me is B.S. Remember your DH's feelings should not be less important than yours in this situation.

I HATED travel at Christmas growing up! I wanted Santa to come to my house. I swore I would not do that to my kids. We have local grandparents and another set about 8 hrs away. We have always done Christmas at home with anyone who wants to come to us. We travel to see the other grandparents for another holiday and for time in the summer.

OP, when you say you will be out of sync with your siblings etc., does that mean that your siblings travel from elsewhere to be at your parents for Christmases when you spend Christmas with your parents? What are the reasons exactly why your husband's parents and brother don't want to spend Christmas with you at your house?

OP here and I really appreciate the responses. The pps who said focus on this Christmas have it right-I think that we'll just table next Christmas until then . And yes, my DH and family are nuts...but...that's marriage. Maybe I'll fly the next time he wants to go down there and let him drive!

Anonymous wrote:Op, take one holiday at a time. You are going to drive everyone insane otherwise.

I agree. Take one year at a time and promise nothing.