Anytime you make life choices that are different from others, but you talk about your choices excessively, you run the risk that you will be considered elitist by others who did not make the same choice you did (this is whether or not you speak judgmentally about the choice or not). Anytime you spent more money on something than someone else would or could spend on the same category, you could be perceived to be elitist if you speak about it.

- you picked a house based on school district (and spent more money to get into that neighborhood)
- you picked a more expensive car (for any reason)
- you choose more expensive food options (organic, WF, special cuts of meat, buy BLSL, hormone-free, chemical-free, etc)
- you take more expensive vacations than they do
- you have more expensive hobbies than they do
- you like to buy "quality"
- you avoid certain countries, vendors, brands, materials, etc
- you pay for regular activities for your children (teams, sports, even daycare)
- you pick a political position based on values that others can't afford. For example, pushing for clean air standards when they are driving the least expensive car/truck that they can afford to do what they need to do). Or fighting against the Keystone pipeline when they see it as a way to keep gas prices down. Or pushing for gun regulation/registration when they are gun owners. All things that could end up taking money out of their pockets.

and so on.

How do you be more aware of these issues? Look at your life and compare with theirs. If you have options that you chose that are more expensive or harder to come by for any reason, stop and consider how you represent that choice when you speak with your family. Usually a bit if introspection and observation of your extended family can expose where your values differ from theirs and often where you've made choices that they would consider elitist. After you've flagged a few topics, then just avoid those topics in conversation or avoid stating your position on those topics. If you can't figure it out, work on spending more time talking about them and their choices in conversation. Ask questions. Avoid giving details about your choices. If you need to give answers, give short pleasant answers.

Anonymous wrote:Food allergies are definitely a thing. I have a shellfish allergy, which you wouldn't think would be a big issue in the Midwest but oyster stew is part of my in-laws' traditional Christmas dinner. My MIL didn't believe me the first time and slipped an oyster in my pasta. She was sorry when I projectile vomited all over her bathroom.

I would never eat in her house or trust her again. She's awful.

Food allergies are definitely a thing. I have a shellfish allergy, which you wouldn't think would be a big issue in the Midwest but oyster stew is part of my in-laws' traditional Christmas dinner. My MIL didn't believe me the first time and slipped an oyster in my pasta. She was sorry when I projectile vomited all over her bathroom.

There are some great examples here.

Honestly, it's mostly about them and not you. you're growing away from them in ways they can't understand. Even if you're living a fairly low key life here in DC, it's still different than their life. Even if your house is simple by DMV standards, it's probably worth twice as much as theirs. Kids classes, or a nanny, or anything to do with kids probably costs at least twice as much. You probably have a stronger feeling of security than they do, too.

So I'd flip it around - watch what they do, what they all about, and talk about those things. For example, in my family, it's couponing and what's on sale and various places. Always a sure fire hit in my extended family. They'll forgive you some "airs" if you will, if you just demonstrate you haven't forgotten where you came from.

Anonymous wrote:People can be funny with what they think is elitist.

My DH and I are a lot less into conspicuous consumption than my in-laws (who live in a less expensive part of the country) and they think it is elitist that we don't buy a lot of stuff: plastic toys and gee gaws for the kids, and this type of thing.

It is being elitist to have an attitude about "plastic toys". If you didn't want your kids to have toys that's one thing, but just the plastic ones is snobby.

My brother and his wife complain (mostly my brother) about rich-people problems regularly. Like how difficult it's going to be to navigate through the airport on their vacation to Mexico with a two month old. I haven't been on a vacation since I became a mother, and when I did have to travel with my infant for a funeral, I navigated the trip without a spouse.

Talking about how much of a pain it is to get Global Entry.

Talking about how their cleaning lady doesn't do a good job cleaning. When I asked why they don't hire someone else, they have no good reason. But keep complaining about her.

Complaining about how long they have to wait for their reservation at some super expensive fancy restaurant they want to try.

I think things like "gluten sensitivity" [not Celiac] or being a vegan or eating paleo make some people suspect you are an elitist.

--complaining about wal-mart, target, etc. -- especially if you get packages from Amazon like twice a week.

--excessive anxiety when your ILs serve an item containing more butter, mayo or salt than you would normally add.

--visiting family and whining, "where's the restaurant? What do you MEAN we have to DRIVE there? Ugh, I really just want to take a walk, you know? No sidewalks, I mean, I just can't. Does this restaurant make its own condiments? Milo can't have HFCS."

It must be a southern thing. My DH has a similar narrative to yours - grew up small-town working class in the south, went to college, and has a successful career now (and all the trappings of success). Granted, he's more materialistic than I am, but I grew up UMC in DC, send thank you cards, do yoga and am a vegetarian and I can just HEAR his family rolling their eyes when he talks with them about me.

Anything that smacks of urbanism or is in any way rarefied to some is elitist.

You never know.
My ILs think I am snobby because I keep my house clean. They think it's "all just for show" and indicates my priorities are messed up - I should be spending "all that cleaning time" with my family instead of worrying about my house. Meanwhile there are tumbleweeds of dog hair all over so I am not sure what they're talking about.

They mean he's a dick.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your hobbies? Do they require money? Do you watch TV? Read books? How do you dress? Do you read the NYT and listen to NPR? Is there a local dialect where you are from that you don't speak when you are home (even though you grew up with it)? What kind of food do you eat--arugula or iceberg?

There are so many little markers of class. Try to be more observant. Don't be oblivious.

Really our only hobby is travel (and our kids are young so its not exotic, just frequent). We watch lots of TV and read lots of books. We do not eat arugula and do eat out in lots of chain restaurants and do not buy organic anything. My husband does read the NYT and listen to NPR. We do not watch Fox News, which I do think is bizarre to them. We do not have luxury brand cars or clothes.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband did not grow up wealthy, but his family had more money than we did and his parents are retired quite comfortably.

We have a nice house by DC standards, but its a pretty regular house by normal standards. Other than the fact that we like to travel and we rented out our previous house instead of selling it, I feel like we are pretty normal.

My mom said that my husband places too much value on financial security. What does THAT mean?

Your mom thinks he is saving too much money and not spending enough on you and the kids. She might also think he works too many hours.

Maybe that he is not spending money on things she thinks are normal, like getting the biggest cable package or having a zillion toys. I make DD's birthday cakes and my in-laws think I'm cheap for not buying a Harris Teeter cake. But it's just a cultural difference-- my mom always made homemade cakes for me and I think it's a nice tradition.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband did not grow up wealthy, but his family had more money than we did and his parents are retired quite comfortably.

We have a nice house by DC standards, but its a pretty regular house by normal standards. Other than the fact that we like to travel and we rented out our previous house instead of selling it, I feel like we are pretty normal.

My mom said that my husband places too much value on financial security. What does THAT mean?

Your mom thinks he is saving too much money and not spending enough on you and the kids. She might also think he works too many hours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:- always being busy, or "too busy" to get together, call, etc
- having special food restrictions that haven't been medically confirmed
- paying attention to current events, world affairs, etc can be considered "elitist" to a lot of people
- the kinds of television shows you guys watch (or don't watch)
- ditto for movies

OMGoodness! I'm the poster with the friend that won't eat chain foods, and this is everything else about her. Ugh! Why am I even friends with this person? She's quick to call someone "uneducated", if they eat canned foods or doesn't read the NYT or WaPo.

And you are quick to call her elitist because she won't eat chain foods.