I wouldn't explain myself. Just try to do better next year.

Your father is an ass OP. I'm sorry. And I'm glad your biopsy was negative!

I love the snarky, full-on, how dare you kind of response, but it probably isn't the best for long-term calm. (I have a lot of these dynamics in my family.) I have learned not to fuel any drama in any way. But I've also learned (and am still trying) to be my own best ally in setting boundaries.

How about one or more of these:

- I'm sorry if you are upset Dad. I called Mom on her birthday and sent her a present. I will follow up with her and make sure she doesn't feel slighted.

- If Mom is upset please have her talk with me.

- The guilt trip is inappropriate Dad. I didn't forget MOm's birthday and if she is upset she can talk to me directly.

I think if you bring up the biopsy then you are adding another level of drama. Not that you are intending that, but it is still likely to be used as fuel for something, which probably isn't helpful in the long run. However, IMO you are also fully entitled to play that card if you want to, as your father is COMPLETELY out of line and what you were going through was probably quite scary.

Imagine having a biopsy on your mother's birthday, calling her, sending a gift, and while on your recovery bed, getting this text from the man who's supposed to love you unconditionally.

Agree that you should not mention the biopsy at any point. It really just muddies the waters. If you say "oh this year it was late because I was getting a biopsy and had a good excuse for being distracted." Then it just feeds into the idea that this is his right to dress you down over something like this. Basically, you are asking his forgiveness for not celebrating your mom's birthday the way he wants you to celebrate it. You don't want to ask forgiveness, because you haven't done anything wrong. You celebrated your mom's birthday in a way that you and she are both fine with. He needs to step off.

Acknowledge, not "ichnology"

I would leave out the biopsy altogether, because the issue is not whether or not you had a "good enough" excuse as to why you did not acknowledge your mothers birthday in a way that your father is comfortable with. The issue is that you do not need to make excuses to your father about the way in which you do or do not ichnology her mothers birthday. It has zero to do with him.

I would ignore the text for now, but if he brings it up on the phone call, I would draw the clear boundary. Do not mention the biopsy, but say something along the lines of "dad I had knowledged moms birthday in a way that worked for me. If that did not work for mom, she will tell me about her hurt feelings. She and I are both grownups who do not need our relationship managed by you." My guess is that he is a controlling jerk who will proceed to lose his mind at the audacity of your telling him that something that is not his business is not his business, if that happens, I would say clearly and one my guess is that he is a controlling jerk who will proceed to lose his mind at the audacity of your telling him that something that is not his business is not his business, if that happens, I would say clearly and onCe, "I don't like the way that you're speaking to me. You need to calm down or we can have this discussion at another time." If he proceeds with dressing you down, then say "we can discuss this at another time when you are more calm." Then hang up.

OP here - thanks for the opinions. In an effort to avoid further drama, I've ignored it thus far, but I have to call them today for an unrelated reason. If the text or the birthday issue come up, I'll probably mention the biopsy. (I really like the PP's suggestion of "happy birthday mom, I don't have breast cancer!" but I'm not sure I can pull it off...)

This is not surprising behavior from my dad, though I am still working on setting boundaries with them so I'm not always sure to trust my instincts. And its definitely not my mom complaining to my dad that prompted this, its 100% his issue.

I'm lucky in that I was only guilt tripped by text, both of my brothers got phone calls...

Seriously? Your Dad would die in my family. We text each other, sometimes call, that's about it. Why? Because we're grown ups who realize our birthdays really aren't that big of a deal to ANY ONE else.

I'd straight up ignore it. Don't feed the drama.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say something like "Imagine being all stressed out about a biopsy, but nonetheless remembering your mom's birthday, calling her, sending something (which will arrive a little late, but still) and then despite that getting a guilt-trip text from your dad. I imagine when you were my age you had stressful things going on in your life that you did not necessarily share with your parents because you did not want to worry them. I also imagine you would have appreciated being cut the slack that I would appreciate your giving to me in the future because, being all grown up, we should by now realize that birthdays are not some kind of test of love. PS, the biopsy was negative."

This is what I would do.

I'd lose the sarcastic presentation and say "I am sorry, and Mom's present should arrive tomorrow. I had a biopsy done and was very worried and preoccupied waiting for results, and didn't want to worry you by mentioning it earlier. I hope Mom had a great birthday."

This. All he knows is that you forgot to send anything for your mom's birthday. It's sweet that he cares enough about her to chide you for not doing more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your father is right

No, he is a dick. I hate adults who make a big deal out of birthdays, as if they are 7 years old...

He may have been reacting to a histrionic wife.

How old are you, OP? This is kind of ridiculous on your dad's part, but you should be able to see that.

Well, I don't do cards. I think they are a waste of money and if your father can't see that it more personal for you to call vs. sending a card, I don't think you will ever win this situation.

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is right. The biopsy is another thing you have going on, but it's not all encompassing that it's a good enough reason to miss your mom's birthday. That's pretty self-centered, OP.

Either you are serious or you are trolling, but either way you are a terrible person.

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is right. The biopsy is another thing you have going on, but it's not all encompassing that it's a good enough reason to miss your mom's birthday. That's pretty self-centered, OP.

Idiotic response here. She didn't miss it. Read the post. The only people who would say she "missed it" are people who prioritize presents over people.