Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 10:25     Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:
Well, even granting the incredibly dubious assumption that "marrying up" is necessary for marital stability, it's an extraordinarily small problem for "society". It's a somewhat larger problem for "professionally successful women in their 30s with rigid and archaic expectations about gender roles".


Yeah, single ambitious women in their 30's and their archaic ideas about gender roles. Lol!


You're missing the point.

Many professional women believe that they have transcended gender roles, but then they still want those confident and successful alpha males.

If professional women had truly transcended gender roles, then they would have no problem being with men who have lower status, earnings, have passive personalities etc. But you still want to have your cake and eat it too.



Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 10:19     Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.


I know this is meant to by snippy, but there is a lot of truth to this. I work in biglaw and I have yet to see a successful relationship between a high earning, financially successful woman and a lower earning lower ambition man. (I know of a few couples who have this dynamic outside the firm, no idea of their marriage). Yet, there are many marriages in the firm where high status men marry lower career oriented women and it turns out fine.

I think the added dymamic that fails these relationships is that these successful professional women are working with the high earning alphas (who generally are in shape as well) and realize how much greener the grass is.

It's a huge problem for society because there is a lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, as women start and continue to catch up to and outpace men.


Did you really just type that with a straight face?

Huge problems for society: racism, climate change, antibiotic resistance.


It's a problem because society depends on families to raise well-adjusted children, and children do better in two parent homes.


Well, even granting the incredibly dubious assumption that "marrying up" is necessary for marital stability, it's an extraordinarily small problem for "society". It's a somewhat larger problem for "professionally successful women in their 30s with rigid and archaic expectations about gender roles".

I think society, on the whole, has bigger things to worry about.


+1

What no one explains to the high-achieving young women is that options are actually more limited at the top, especially after 30-35. It's really the opposite of what happens for the successful men, who have no trouble finding attractive women.

Ambitious men aren't typically looking for equally ambitious women. On the other hand, ambitious women are almost always looking for equally ambitious men. It may sound sexist, but I think men have the more realistic plans: Be successful and find an attractive women to take the lead on the domestic stuff. Women just don't seem to be as satisfied when the positions are reversed. They still need him to be an ambitious go-getter to feel attraction.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 10:12     Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
OP this sounds like my marriage before DH got help and treatment. He has ADHD, anxiety, and Depression. I gave him an ultimatum that I would not stay married to him if he did not get help and he finally did. Medication and therapy has made a huge difference. It's far from perfect and I still take on most of the responsibility but he has taken on more and has a better attitude in general.

Your problems cannot be solved without the help of a professional. If he won't seek treatment then the situation will not improve.

For those talking about gold-digging and such you really don't get it. Money is far from the root of the problem.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 10:12     Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
My college boyfriend was like this,which is why I dumped him.

I instead married an ambitious, hardworking man who can be a bit of an ass. He also cheated on me. However, he is confident and driven.

No relationship is perfect. No man is perfect. I think you need to accept and love your husband for who he is. There have to be great things about your relationship.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 10:08     Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
I get that he gripes and criticizes you and that's unpleasant. But no way would some griping keep my 3 kids in one bedroom. Call a fucking realtor.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 10:07     Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Well, even granting the incredibly dubious assumption that "marrying up" is necessary for marital stability, it's an extraordinarily small problem for "society". It's a somewhat larger problem for "professionally successful women in their 30s with rigid and archaic expectations about gender roles".


Yeah, single ambitious women in their 30's and their archaic ideas about gender roles. Lol!
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 10:06     Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:I hate the people on DCUM. You have valid complaints. You have FOUR kids instead of three and you didn't bargain for that when you got married.

I can't tell a stranger to get divorced, especially since this is just one side of the story, but you do need to check him when he starts to complain and yell about the decisions you make. Don't even entertain that nonsense. He can make a decision and stand by it or he can shut the fuck up. Stay firm on that.

I don't see this working out in the long run and am not one of the "stay together for the kids!!!" because two dysfunctional parents who resent and dislike each other in the same house is not always a better situation that two divorced parents and some stability because the turmoil is over. And I say this the child of divorce. The best thing my parents ever did was divorce. Our lives didn't go to shit because my parents split. Don't let people tell you that. It improved because it stopped being tense. Do you people really think children can't sense and see these things?


THIS!!!

Sounds like you wanted a partner and got a four kid. That is a HUGE turn off.

My friend was in your situation. Almost exact. She told him she wanted a trail separation. Since the house was in her name he moved into a nearby apartment. He did not want to separate or the divorce. But she is a person to not follow through with her threats. This time she did. They were in therapy together for a while then he just went for himself. Things change big time for them and they are back together. This is not the case for every marriage, but being separated they were able to work on themselves and see what life was like apart. Life is short. He will still be a father to the kids if you are in the same house or not. You two are giving the example of what a married couple looks like.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 10:00     Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Sounds like he has ADHD and low self esteem.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 09:55     Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.


I know this is meant to by snippy, but there is a lot of truth to this. I work in biglaw and I have yet to see a successful relationship between a high earning, financially successful woman and a lower earning lower ambition man. (I know of a few couples who have this dynamic outside the firm, no idea of their marriage). Yet, there are many marriages in the firm where high status men marry lower career oriented women and it turns out fine.

I think the added dymamic that fails these relationships is that these successful professional women are working with the high earning alphas (who generally are in shape as well) and realize how much greener the grass is.

It's a huge problem for society because there is a lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, as women start and continue to catch up to and outpace men.


Did you really just type that with a straight face?

Huge problems for society: racism, climate change, antibiotic resistance.


It's a problem because society depends on families to raise well-adjusted children, and children do better in two parent homes.


Well, even granting the incredibly dubious assumption that "marrying up" is necessary for marital stability, it's an extraordinarily small problem for "society". It's a somewhat larger problem for "professionally successful women in their 30s with rigid and archaic expectations about gender roles".

I think society, on the whole, has bigger things to worry about.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 09:55     Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
I hate the people on DCUM. You have valid complaints. You have FOUR kids instead of three and you didn't bargain for that when you got married.

I can't tell a stranger to get divorced, especially since this is just one side of the story, but you do need to check him when he starts to complain and yell about the decisions you make. Don't even entertain that nonsense. He can make a decision and stand by it or he can shut the fuck up. Stay firm on that.

I don't see this working out in the long run and am not one of the "stay together for the kids!!!" because two dysfunctional parents who resent and dislike each other in the same house is not always a better situation that two divorced parents and some stability because the turmoil is over. And I say this the child of divorce. The best thing my parents ever did was divorce. Our lives didn't go to shit because my parents split. Don't let people tell you that. It improved because it stopped being tense. Do you people really think children can't sense and see these things?
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 09:46     Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:OP you need to go. You married a loser. He's not pulling his weight in the relationship. Don't raise kids with this "man" and teach them this is the way they should be treated in their future relationships. Don't be afraid - worst case scenario is that you'll have the same amount of work but without the sadness and verbal abuse.


Yeah, dump your mostly good husband for his lack of ambition and decisiveness, and then sit back and watch as the hordes of successful, alpha unicorns swarm around you. You deserve it.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 09:46     Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
I'd make an all out effort for six months to try appreciating him for who he is. See if that improves anything. Divorce casts a long shadow - don't blow up your kids' childhood because of a pipe (ultimately, who cares? It's small potatoes). If he feels more appreciated and even loved, maybe some of the criticism of you will improve. You come across as relentlessly negative, and maybe it is totally annoying, but this is the father of your three (three!) kids. Divorce and you'll end up supporting him, seeing your kids less and still having to call the plumber. You need to devote yourself 110% to making this work. Marriage counseling was too difficult because of "scheduling conflicts"? Trust me, splitting will not be easier.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 09:43     Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.


I know this is meant to by snippy, but there is a lot of truth to this. I work in biglaw and I have yet to see a successful relationship between a high earning, financially successful woman and a lower earning lower ambition man. (I know of a few couples who have this dynamic outside the firm, no idea of their marriage). Yet, there are many marriages in the firm where high status men marry lower career oriented women and it turns out fine.

I think the added dymamic that fails these relationships is that these successful professional women are working with the high earning alphas (who generally are in shape as well) and realize how much greener the grass is.

It's a huge problem for society because there is a lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, as women start and continue to catch up to and outpace men.


This


It's only a problem for women. And a self-made problem at that.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 09:30     Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
OP you need to go. You married a loser. He's not pulling his weight in the relationship. Don't raise kids with this "man" and teach them this is the way they should be treated in their future relationships. Don't be afraid - worst case scenario is that you'll have the same amount of work but without the sadness and verbal abuse.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2015 09:20     Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.


I know this is meant to by snippy, but there is a lot of truth to this. I work in biglaw and I have yet to see a successful relationship between a high earning, financially successful woman and a lower earning lower ambition man. (I know of a few couples who have this dynamic outside the firm, no idea of their marriage). Yet, there are many marriages in the firm where high status men marry lower career oriented women and it turns out fine.

I think the added dymamic that fails these relationships is that these successful professional women are working with the high earning alphas (who generally are in shape as well) and realize how much greener the grass is.

It's a huge problem for society because there is a lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, as women start and continue to catch up to and outpace men.


This