Anonymous wrote:I do this. I set very strict boundaries. It happens only when I'm on business trips (I go to the same cities every year) and don't keep in touch with any of those people when I'm not there, other than a happy birthday text or the like.

Meanwhile I adjusted my work hours so I'm with the kids every afternoon, and we have lots of great time together on the weekends as well.

So who knows.. maybe I'm an awful person but I don't see it that way. We have great family time together, and my dalliances are within very strict boundaries.

NP here: I'm confused. So if you make time for your kids, but you also make time for "dalliances" only when away on business trips, do you think that's less of an infidelity? How would you rate your spouse as a parent if s/he did the same thing?

Is this a new pattern since you married or had kids? How can you assure that this will not become an "at home" habit too? How do you avoid attachment to a person you're cheating with, especially if you travel to the same cities? Do you have a "no repeat" rule?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a good parent is about time, attention, stability, love, availability, etc. It has nothing to do with who you are putting your penis in. Your sex life has nothing to do with kids. So long as the parent is taking finances or attention from the kids, it isn't relevant.

It's like asking whether a woman is a good mom if she isn't having regular sex with her husband. Men would be tempted to say yes, but the truth is they aren't related unless either the lack of marital sex or the affair rips up the family home.

It does have to do with the kids. The cheater is not being a good role model to his/her children. If the cheater is unhappy in the marriage, then the cheater should get divorced.

Children thrive on stability. On average, a child from a broken home does worse than a child from an intact home (not saying all children from broken homes are bad, or all children from intact homes are great, but the literature on the averages is indisputable).

Therefore, a man who divorces his wife and breaks up his family to get his sexual needs met is a worse father than one who stays in the marriage and cheats. A cheater may be a worse husband but better father.

Keep drinking the kool aid, affair partner. If that is case, why not tell the wife and put the affair out in the open under the guise of great parenting. Then it is no longer an affair and an open marriage. If two married people agree to that then by all means you have a completely different situation. Betrayal is betrayal.

Because most wives aren't going to grant an open relationship.

But I agree with you, that parents who are mature need to find ways to meet each other's emotional and sexual needs for the sake of keeping an intact home for the children. If one spouse refuses to do so, that spouse is not being a good parent to their children because they jeopardize the marriage which is essential to a well-adjusted child. Being a good parent means staying in the marriage and doing what you need to do to stay sane. Divorcing is the easy way out, and divides the time, money and resources that the children are entitled to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a good parent is about time, attention, stability, love, availability, etc. It has nothing to do with who you are putting your penis in. Your sex life has nothing to do with kids. So long as the parent is taking finances or attention from the kids, it isn't relevant.

It's like asking whether a woman is a good mom if she isn't having regular sex with her husband. Men would be tempted to say yes, but the truth is they aren't related unless either the lack of marital sex or the affair rips up the family home.

It does have to do with the kids. The cheater is not being a good role model to his/her children. If the cheater is unhappy in the marriage, then the cheater should get divorced.

Children thrive on stability. On average, a child from a broken home does worse than a child from an intact home (not saying all children from broken homes are bad, or all children from intact homes are great, but the literature on the averages is indisputable).

Therefore, a man who divorces his wife and breaks up his family to get his sexual needs met is a worse father than one who stays in the marriage and cheats. A cheater may be a worse husband but better father.

Keep drinking the kool aid, affair partner. If that is case, why not tell the wife and put the affair out in the open under the guise of great parenting. Then it is no longer an affair and an open marriage. If two married people agree to that then by all means you have a completely different situation. Betrayal is betrayal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a good parent is about time, attention, stability, love, availability, etc. It has nothing to do with who you are putting your penis in. Your sex life has nothing to do with kids. So long as the parent is taking finances or attention from the kids, it isn't relevant.

It's like asking whether a woman is a good mom if she isn't having regular sex with her husband. Men would be tempted to say yes, but the truth is they aren't related unless either the lack of marital sex or the affair rips up the family home.

Just stay in that affair bubble and keep lying to yourself.

It had everything to do with me the day I walked in on them. I saw things a 14-year-old should never, ever see.

I said that the only way the affair matters is if dad isn't paying attention or if he gets caught. I am not disagreeing with you, see bold above. The problem wasn't where his penis was, it was that he was dumb enough to stick his penis somewhere that could be seen by his 14 year old.

If you're having an affair with a sentient being, there is no way to ensure the affair happens within a closed system. My spouse left no clues, but her affair partner's wife guess with very, very scant evidence. AP cracked and shared all. My ex was very careful, but now everybody knows.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a good parent is about time, attention, stability, love, availability, etc. It has nothing to do with who you are putting your penis in. Your sex life has nothing to do with kids. So long as the parent is taking finances or attention from the kids, it isn't relevant.

It's like asking whether a woman is a good mom if she isn't having regular sex with her husband. Men would be tempted to say yes, but the truth is they aren't related unless either the lack of marital sex or the affair rips up the family home.

It does have to do with the kids. The cheater is not being a good role model to his/her children. If the cheater is unhappy in the marriage, then the cheater should get divorced.

Not necessarily! Especially when there are children involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a good parent is about time, attention, stability, love, availability, etc. It has nothing to do with who you are putting your penis in. Your sex life has nothing to do with kids. So long as the parent is taking finances or attention from the kids, it isn't relevant.

It's like asking whether a woman is a good mom if she isn't having regular sex with her husband. Men would be tempted to say yes, but the truth is they aren't related unless either the lack of marital sex or the affair rips up the family home.

It does have to do with the kids. The cheater is not being a good role model to his/her children. If the cheater is unhappy in the marriage, then the cheater should get divorced.

Children thrive on stability. On average, a child from a broken home does worse than a child from an intact home (not saying all children from broken homes are bad, or all children from intact homes are great, but the literature on the averages is indisputable).

Therefore, a man who divorces his wife and breaks up his family to get his sexual needs met is a worse father than one who stays in the marriage and cheats. A cheater may be a worse husband but better father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a good parent is about time, attention, stability, love, availability, etc. It has nothing to do with who you are putting your penis in. Your sex life has nothing to do with kids. So long as the parent is taking finances or attention from the kids, it isn't relevant.

It's like asking whether a woman is a good mom if she isn't having regular sex with her husband. Men would be tempted to say yes, but the truth is they aren't related unless either the lack of marital sex or the affair rips up the family home.

Just stay in that affair bubble and keep lying to yourself.

It had everything to do with me the day I walked in on them. I saw things a 14-year-old should never, ever see.

I said that the only way the affair matters is if dad isn't paying attention or if he gets caught. I am not disagreeing with you, see bold above. The problem wasn't where his penis was, it was that he was dumb enough to stick his penis somewhere that could be seen by his 14 year old.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do this. I set very strict boundaries. It happens only when I'm on business trips (I go to the same cities every year) and don't keep in touch with any of those people when I'm not there, other than a happy birthday text or the like.

Meanwhile I adjusted my work hours so I'm with the kids every afternoon, and we have lots of great time together on the weekends as well.

So who knows.. maybe I'm an awful person but I don't see it that way. We have great family time together, and my dalliances are within very strict boundaries.

I'm torn, and this is why. I see how this person is being a good parent on a day to day to basis. And I don't think a person who lies to his spouse, even repeatedly, will necessarily not be trustworthy with their kids. And I don't think you have to have role model behavior every moment, even when they are not around, to be a good parent. However, if my husband cheated on me, he is risking blowing up our kids' lives all around because if I find out there will be big big trouble that will definitely impact the children. How can taking that risk be good parenting?

There is your answer. Inherently, it is not.

Anonymous wrote:I do this. I set very strict boundaries. It happens only when I'm on business trips (I go to the same cities every year) and don't keep in touch with any of those people when I'm not there, other than a happy birthday text or the like.

Meanwhile I adjusted my work hours so I'm with the kids every afternoon, and we have lots of great time together on the weekends as well.

So who knows.. maybe I'm an awful person but I don't see it that way. We have great family time together, and my dalliances are within very strict boundaries.

I'm torn, and this is why. I see how this person is being a good parent on a day to day to basis. And I don't think a person who lies to his spouse, even repeatedly, will necessarily not be trustworthy with their kids. And I don't think you have to have role model behavior every moment, even when they are not around, to be a good parent. However, if my husband cheated on me, he is risking blowing up our kids' lives all around because if I find out there will be big big trouble that will definitely impact the children. How can taking that risk be good parenting?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're supposed to set a good example for your children. I hardly think lying and breaking vows qualifies.

Yes. It is that simple.

+1. I would like it if my mom hadn't been lying to my dad for years at a time. It means I can't fully count on her to tell the truth, ever. It was very hard on me to find that out as a young teenager.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a good parent is about time, attention, stability, love, availability, etc. It has nothing to do with who you are putting your penis in. Your sex life has nothing to do with kids. So long as the parent is taking finances or attention from the kids, it isn't relevant.

It's like asking whether a woman is a good mom if she isn't having regular sex with her husband. Men would be tempted to say yes, but the truth is they aren't related unless either the lack of marital sex or the affair rips up the family home.

It does have to do with the kids. The cheater is not being a good role model to his/her children. If the cheater is unhappy in the marriage, then the cheater should get divorced.

+100

I do this. I set very strict boundaries. It happens only when I'm on business trips (I go to the same cities every year) and don't keep in touch with any of those people when I'm not there, other than a happy birthday text or the like.

Meanwhile I adjusted my work hours so I'm with the kids every afternoon, and we have lots of great time together on the weekends as well.

So who knows.. maybe I'm an awful person but I don't see it that way. We have great family time together, and my dalliances are within very strict boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:Being a good parent is about time, attention, stability, love, availability, etc. It has nothing to do with who you are putting your penis in. Your sex life has nothing to do with kids. So long as the parent is taking finances or attention from the kids, it isn't relevant.

It's like asking whether a woman is a good mom if she isn't having regular sex with her husband. Men would be tempted to say yes, but the truth is they aren't related unless either the lack of marital sex or the affair rips up the family home.

It does have to do with the kids. The cheater is not being a good role model to his/her children. If the cheater is unhappy in the marriage, then the cheater should get divorced.

Anonymous wrote:You're supposed to set a good example for your children. I hardly think lying and breaking vows qualifies.

Yes. It is that simple.

You're supposed to set a good example for your children. I hardly think lying and breaking vows qualifies.